The rare naps that Katherine takes in places other than my arms always leave me feeling a little bit lost. First I’m all, I can do stuff! I have two hands! And can walk around freely! I can even go pee! but then soon enough I start thinking that I should do something with this golden opportunity, but what?! Maybe I run around putting her clean laundry away, maybe I grab myself some food. Or maybe I just sit here with my knees pulled up to my chest, typing with both hands. It’s quite the treat.

Kate is 4 weeks old and I really have no idea how people manage their lives with a toddler, a newborn, and a husband back at work. But then maybe they have a baby who will nap when you put them down. Once Kate figures that one out I’ll be golden. Until then I’ll continue spending a lot of time in the rocking recliner. I think I could have done more to encourage her to sleep elsewhere, but then I really needed her in my arms those first few weeks – for me, not her. I do just fine… as long as I don’t have to actually accomplish anything or go anywhere. Then it gets tricky.

I’ve noticed that despite me not having any schedule at all Kate is slowly settling into a pattern. She wakes and sleeps randomly through the day, but the past few days she slept for 3-4 hours when she fell asleep at 9 or 10pm. Unfortunately I did not go to bed so I did not get that much sleep. And she has been waking up at 5:30am wide awake. Tonight I’m going to try that schedule myself and see how it goes. I don’t think she will sleep that long in her cosleeper, however – she has been sleeping in there, but it’s not as soundly as when she’s in my arms, she tends to wake up after an hour or two. (And yes, I have tried swaddling her multiple times. She woke up after 10 minutes and screamed. I now swaddle her lower half and leave her arms out, that seems to work okay.)

I’m very happy we’ve made it a month breastfeeding. It’s hard, but getting easier. No more nipple pain! Right now we are dealing with Kate popping on and off the boob while nursing and getting wicked cranky about it. It could be several different things: reflux, gas, milk flow too fast or too slow. I’m trying to figure out which one it is. Tomorrow is her ped appointment so I’ll be asking him about reflux. We know she is gassy. But when on the boob she mainly just seems to get frustrated and angry, my gut feeling is that the boob is not behaving the way she wants it to. So I’m just trying to pay attention to her and make mental note of her behavior. I’ve heard from others that their babies are doing similar things right around the same age so hopefully it’s just a phase she’ll grow out of. This too shall pass.

She has changed so much in the past month – she looks so different and yet the same too. I try hard not to wish time away, even when she’s fussy and crying. These days seem so very brief.

Things can get a little rough at times when Kate is being fussy. It is heartbreaking to have her cry and cry and not be able to figure out why – or to think it’s probably gas and nothing we do helps. Thankfully her fussy periods are generally short, it’s not as if she spends hours screaming, just evenings where she spends an hour falling asleep then waking up whimpering and crying.

There is no predictability yet, but on happy days she does like to eat, get changed, spend time on her playmat, then nurse a little bit until she’s drowsy and then she’ll sleep for 2 hours during the day. Yesterday was a good day, so she pretty much followed that pattern all day until it was time to fall asleep and us all to go to bed, then for some reason she was fighting it. Maybe it was the bath. Very traumatic, in her eyes.

Sleep, other than those frustrating times, is pretty decent. We just discovered that if she’s milk-drunk we can put her in her swing, turn it on, and she might actually fall asleep on her own. That is huge!! In the past we’ve had to make sure she was solidly asleep before putting her down somewhere, and then you just hope she doesn’t wake back up. I do certainly love that swing. Last night I decided to try her in her cosleeper again, I took out the infant seat and inclined the mattress slightly. She was sound asleep when we put her down, snug between two rolled towels as a sleep positioner type thing (she needs to feel snug or she just wakes up flailing). She did rouse slightly, but not all the way, so I layed there for some time with my hand on her chest, gently rubbing… and she fell back asleep! And stayed asleep for an hour or two. When she woke up I fed her in bed, then moved her back to the cosleeper just to see… and wouldn’t you know it, she slept there again! When she woke up with the sun she was wide-eyed and staring around, quite a change from her waking up kicking and crying in the infant seat. So I layed there and talked with her for a little while, she even gave me a couple of smiles before she decided she was done and hungry.

Speaking of smiles, she smiled at me yesterday for the first time! She’d been smiling at daddy, and even a couple of times at a toy, but not mommy. I figure she is always too distracted going “EH EH” for boobies every time she sees mommy. It sure was nice to see a happy smile. I am so looking forward to more smiles and hearing laughs.

Breastfeeding is going so much better, this week has definitely seen a huge change. I don’t yelp when she latches anymore, and my nipples don’t burn. They’re still sensitive and I’m not a fan of when she pokes them with her fingers while groping me, but the worst I get while breastfeeding is a weird itchy feeling when she’s at the end of a feed and my breast is pretty empty. Oh, and of course that pins and needles tingly feeling during let-down – which is actually very useful, because sometimes I’ll get that when she’s not on the breast and it’s my reminder to make sure I have breast pads in! She does tend to be a messy eater now, she has drool and milk on her chin when she’s done, lol. She’s also been spitting up a little bit here and there – not a lot, and not every time. But enough that I have a washcloth ready to wipe her and me off. Have to love being spit up on, right? The only frustration with nursing is that some days she’s a huge wiggle-worm, arms and legs going. She tends to push and kick herself off the nipple, then she gets mad. Not so great with the coordination there. Yesterday when she was doing that I put her on her playmat for a little while to try to get out some of her energy so she’d settle down and eat. It only partially worked.

Today for father’s day Kate and I are going to go watch Den play baseball. I’m still a little nervous taking her out, mostly because she likes to blow through diapers unexpectedly so I feel like I need to bring ten million of them (just a slight exaggeration). Hopefully she’s a happy baby today!

Den: “Somehow I always pictured breatfeeding as a quiet activity.” (As Kate grunts, squeaks, smacks her lips, and otherwise makes a full range of animated noises while eating.)

Sometimes breastfeeding feels like an extended game of “pin the tail on the donkey.” And the donkey won’t lay still.

Hiccups that wake my baby up after we’ve finally gotten her to sleep are effing annoying. Kate agrees.

Kate now has much more awake time, which is good. However she has a short attention span and doesn’t know what to do with her awake time, this is bad.

We have a fussy girl who doesn’t want to sleep. Sigh.

People keep asking us, “How is she sleeping?” I don’t know how to answer them. I guess if I were a “traditional” parent who was insisting that baby sleep in their own bed the answer would be, “Terrible!” She will sleep for a little bit in her swing or infant seat, if she’s already mostly asleep when you set her down, but it’s not for as long or as deep as she sleeps in our arms. This makes for very long nights if you’re trying to get her to sleep in her seat, because after feeding her we have to burp her, sometimes change her, nurse her back to sleep, then hold and rock her for 10+ minutes until she’s asleep deeply enough to be put back down and stay asleep. And since she’s nursing every 3-4 hours even at night that doesn’t leave a whole lot left over for us to sleep.

So we’ve ended up cosleeping, Kate sleeping in my arms. We didn’t intend to do that, and it was scary for us at first so I did a lot of reading online for how others do it safely. But it works. She sleeps like a dream, content and peaceful, for 3-4 hour stretches. When she wakes up hungry I feed her side-lying. I tend to stay half-awake while she’s eating, because it’s still a little uncomfortable on the nipples, but sometimes I drift off. When she’s done she simply falls asleep and pops off the boob, then uses my boob as a pillow. I adjust her so she’s on her back nestled up against my chest and belly, me on my side with my knees bent and my lower arm extended, sometimes under her head. The only complaint i could make is that I sleep lighter when she’s next to me, because I’m hyper-aware of her, and I by necessity have to sleep in that one position for many hours at a time. But being able to sleep for 3 hour stretches kind of makes up for that. In my arms she isn’t fussy, she doesn’t stay awake, she just feeds and falls back asleep again. Whenever I decide to get up (usually after three of her sleep stretches) I feel well-rested and ready to face the day. I may have a short nap during the day once in a while, but for the most part I don’t need to.

We’re still encouraging her to sleep in her cosleeper (which is right beside me, attached to the bed); we start her in her bed to let her sleep as long as she will, then I take her into my arms when she wakes up crying. Last night she didn’t even want to feed that first time (after 2 hours of sleep), she just wanted cuddles and she fell right back asleep for another 2 hours. I think as she gets older and more secure she’ll sleep longer periods in her own bed. We’re not concerned. She’s so small, so new to this world, it’s no wonder that being alone is scary and upsetting.

I’m already noticing that she is getting used to the world. A week or two ago she hated being put down at all, unless she was deeply asleep and didn’t notice. Even a week ago when I tried putting her on her blanket for some activity time she didn’t want any of it for more than a minute. But this week she actually seems to be enjoying laying on her blanket for 10-15 minutes, staring around and kicking her legs – and those times will lengthen as she gets older. I can even leave the room to go to the bathroom or throw the laundry in the dryer and she’s fine and happy. She has a little mirror that has bright colored fabric around the edge with patterns and shapes. She loves to lay there and just stare at it. It’s so funny to watch her so involved in the art of staring!

Kate really truly hates swaddling. Friends kept saying how much their babies love swaddling and how much better they sleep, even if they struggle at first. So every few days I’d try swaddling her at night, she’d just cry, her arms would bust out and I’d unswaddle her. Last night she had already fallen asleep, so I used one of the velcro swaddle blankets to wrap her up tight. She stayed asleep! I thought, success! But not 10 minutes later I hear her starting to rouse. Uh, she said. Uh….. uh….. UH…. UHHH! UHHHHH!!! I look over and she is only half-awake but struggling like hell against the confines of the swaddle holding her arms down. She then woke up and really started screaming in frustration. I had to unwrap her and it took a while to calm her down and get her back to sleep. The next time I just lightly wrapped her lower half in a receiving blanket and put her back down, where she slept for 2 hours. So obviously the swaddle isn’t working if it actually wakes her up! She just has to have her hands up by her face.

People say that babies don’t come with a manual. I disagree. The problem is that there are too many “manuals” out there – there’s all kinds of books and theories and advice out there – everyone has some kind of opinion on what the best way to do something is. It’s confusing as hell, especially when you didn’t really do much reading about babies before you had one. (I read a ton about pregnancy and labor… very little about newborns.) There are so many decisions you make, whether you know you’re making a decision or not. It’s a little nervewracking. There were so many times in the first week that Den and I would both just stared at the baby, completely unsure what to do, afraid we were going to do something wrong.

We don’t follow any particular parenting “method.” We don’t have a schedule. We just take one thing, one day at a time. If needed I look something up, ask friends. Mostly we just listen to Kate. I’ve learned not to worry too much about how a decision made on today’s info will affect next week, next month… because it probably will change completely by then.

It’s all a learning process, and it’s interesting figuring it all out. We just try to keep Ms. Kate happy.

Kate is a major boobie baby. Thankfully my nipples are far FAR better than they were a week ago – still red and sensitive, but I’m no longer squirming and curling my toes when she latches. Which is a really good thing, considering that she’s become much less enchanted with the pacifier – she’ll basically only take it if she’s half asleep, needs to suck, and isn’t aware enough of the difference. But when she’s just cranky? That pacifier just causes more screaming. She wants BOOB. Even though all she does is half-suck and fall asleep… doesn’t matter, she wants the boob. She currently is on the boppy, half-asleep, mouth open, an inch away from my nipple. I can’t move it or she’ll wake up and demand it back.

She seems so much bigger already! Though she’s still a peanut. I haven’t weighed her recently; I know she’s bigger, for sure, but she’s not huge by any means. But she’s changed. She seems so much longer – she’s uncurled. I saw some younger babies today and it was really weird to realize how Kate isn’t freshly-born anymore, and it’s only been 3 weeks! Her face has changed, too… it seems longer, less round and squished.

She’s having more awake time in a day, which is awesome. Only bad part is, she has no idea what to do with that awake time. She feeds, we change her, and then she spends the rest of the time fussing. And by “fussing” I mean the half-cry. She looks around the room then will turn her mouth down into a pout, furrow her brow, and say, “Wah!” And then she blinks and looks around the room again as if nothing happened. Then another, “Waaahhh!” I sit her up, lay her down, cuddle her close, put her on my chest, put her on my shoulder… and all I get is that sad face and a “Waaahhh!” The only thing that makes her happy for any length of time is – you guessed it – boobie. Doesn’t want the swing. Doesn’t want to be in the wrap. Doesn’t really look very tired, isn’t yawning. She’s… bored? Can a newborn be bored? Or just indecisive. Unimpressed. Though she did enjoy her playmat for a good 15-20 minutes this evening, that’s a new record. It was awful nice to be able to put her down somewhere she was happy so I could put some laundry away. Any other ideas? What the heck do babies want at this stage? Or is she just being a fusspot?

Sunday was my first day taking her somewhere by myself. The drive there and the time at the baby shower went perfectly – she slept the drive there, then I put her in the moby wrap and she slept the entire time. People kept commenting on what a good baby she is. And then we went to go home. She woke up and was Unhappy with a capital U. I fed her, changed her diaper, tried to calm her down. Put her in the carseat in the car and she screamed – I mean screamed – the entire way home. I stopped a couple of times to try to calm her down and to check if her diaper was dirty again or something. Oh it was awful, I wanted to cry! I felt like I was torturing her. When we got home I rushed to get her out of the carseat and cuddle her. She shuddered a little, tears in her eyes, whimpered, sighed, and fell asleep exhausted. I had all these horrible images of her doing this every time I take her out and suddenly my future was looking very home-bound. But then tonight I took her out again to a breastfeeding class. She was awake and fussy when I put her in the carseat to drive home, she started crying immediately. But then when the vehicle started moving she got quieter. Within 2 minutes she was asleep! Joy!! She sleeps in the car when I ride in the back seat – she definitely likes the motion – but I wasn’t sure she was going to sleep when I wasn’t right beside her, soothing her. I am thrilled to see that she can and will! Maybe I will sign up for some mom-and-baby classes, after all.

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Know what we got today? SMILES! Daddy got a whole bunch of them this morning, it was totally awesome.

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I am loving being a mom. LOVING it. Which gives me some conflicting feelings. I feel bad posting about how good this feels because I know how it feels to not have this. But then what always upset me most were people who didn’t appreciate what they had – those who had gone through hell and finally got there, they gave me hope. Maybe I’ll give other people some hope.

No my son isn’t here – and that pain will never go away. But at the same time I have my beautiful daughter. I don’t really think about what “should” be with Devin running around as a toddler. I simply have no concept of that. Kate is a little sister in a way – she has a brother that came before – but she’s still the “oldest”, if that makes any sense. He’ll always be a baby, he’ll always be gone. There never was a “Devin and Kate” together. It’s like we have two children in two totally different worlds.

I’m very careful about labels. I completely avoid any form of “now I’m a mother” referring to Kate’s birth. I will never again say that someone becomes a mother when their child is born, because in my opinion I was a mother when I was pregnant, I was and am a mother to Devin even though he was not born alive. But I am a different kind of mother now that Kate is home. As much as I am a mother to Devin, it’s not the same. This kind of mothering is… far more normal, and far easier. Now I’m the kind of mom that struggles running errands because the baby is crying; the kind that belongs to mom’s group; the kind that sways and hums. It’s this whole new world of motherhood – the kind that most people mean. Because of how confusing it all is, and how much explanation is required, I just avoid the whole subject. Yes I’m a mom – in many different ways.

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Kate is making typing up long posts quite difficult – not because I don’t have time, but because she is developing a strong preference for sleeping on me on the rocking recliner. I frequently nurse her ar my desk and can do plenty of web surfing, but only one-handed. I hate typing one-handed. I may have to get used to writing up posts from my blackberry (as I am now). My blackberry has been so wonderful to have while stuck here in the recliner half the day, it keeps me connected to the world.

I am starting to get the hang of things and am feeling much less intimidated by the thought of Den going back to work. Kate has settled into more of a predictable pattern plus I’m able to read her better, making it easier for me to know what to do. It’s rewarding to be the person who understands her best – I know how she likes to be held, what soothes her, when she wants what.

Unfortunately just as I’m figuring her out she has hit what I suspect is a growth spurt. She’s constantly fussy and fighting sleep, which makes it worse. She’ll finally fall asleep only to wake up 5 minutes later fussing and crying. Sometimes I think it’s gas, but last night there was definitely a period of those pathetic half-hearted cries that clearly say “I have no idea why I’m upset, but I’m really tired.” It was kind of funny, actually; she had a sad pout on her lips that was utterly pathetic. She fell asleep quickly, after I rocked and soothed her.

Breastfeeding is going well. Today I realized my nipples aren’t burning like they were, though they’re still sensitive. Kate eats well and certainly seems healthy – plenty of dirty diapers, for sure. She loves the boobie, though thankfully has been taking the pacifier when she just needs to suck (she spits it out and screams if she actually wants to eat). I never intended to give a pacifier but it works for her, it gives my poor boobs a much-needed break, and it hasn’t caused any problems with breastfeeding, so it seems to be working well for us. (We’re using the Soothie brand, in case you’re wondering. More like the boob than the other types.)

She’s continuing to get more clingy (and I don’t mean that in a bad way). The first week she would sleep anywhere, anytime. The second week she preferred to be held but loved the swing and did great in the carseat. This week even those are iffy – she wants to be held and cuddled or she just won’t sleep. Thankfully I have a ringsling and moby wrap, both of which she is really appreciating. I wore her in the moby when we went grocery shopping, she was tired and slept the whole time. I really really prefer wearing her so that if she does wake up I can easily sway and comfort her – unlike the carseat/stroller, when I have to lean over to talk to her… It doesn’t work nearly as well (and no wonder).

This is going to be a busy couple of days coming up, with some social commitments and appointments. I have no idea how it’s going to go with her fussing as she is lately. Hopefully she’ll chill out in the moby and all will be well.

I just watched a show on TV about IVF and a surrogate pregnancy. It made me tear up for all the right reasons. It’s been quite a long time since the beginning of this journey and sometimes I forget – or at least gloss over in my head – all that we went through to get to this point. Watching the TV show talk about in vitro and how embryos are created in a petri dish… well, it’s pretty amazing. It was amazing when I was pregnant, and it’s even more amazing now that I have a child sleeping in my arms. How did we get from there to here? I am so thankful for technology, and so appreciative of my persistence in going through all of that so many times. But here we are, a tiny baby squeaking and smiling in her sleep.

It’s been nearly 3 weeks now and we’re settling into our roles. It feels far more normal now, much less crazy and surreal. Kate has moved in and become part of our lives. I am just so incredibly happy being the mama. In so many ways I haven’t changed, I was always the mama at heart… but now I have someone who needs me to take care of them. She’s happiest asleep in my arms, and I’m totally okay with that. I’m happiest when she’s asleep in my arms. I feel warmer, more solid. She anchors me.

I love that she is our child. I love that she looks so very much like her brother. We look at her and think, wow, we did that. We have no idea how our genes managed to create such a beautiful child. I waste a lot of time every day just staring at her. Which is totally not a waste, since she’s either nursing or sleeping, and what better way to spend my time but soaking her in? She’s not going to be this little for long.

I still haven’t gone anywhere with Kate without Den to help, but Sunday I have a baby shower to go to and it will be just us. I think it’ll go fine. Den is home from work still but some days he spends outside doing yardwork, and some evenings he plays baseball. It’s good for me to get used to taking care of her by myself, since in a few weeks it will be just me all day. It’s a less scary prospect than it was a week ago. I think I’m figuring her out – whar she likes and doesn’t like, what her patterns are, what her cries mean. It’s very rewarding to say things like, “Oh, she’s crying because she’s tired, she’ll be asleep in 2 minutes,” and then she falls right to sleep.

I am glad that Den is able to stay home until we get her sleeping figured out… I’d hate to be the only caretaker all day after getting no sleep all night. At least right now I can hand her over after a feeding and take a nap (at least until she gets hungry). But we’re getting there. She still won’t sleep laying flat, but will sleep in the papasan chair – however it’s not a good, solid sleep, she rouses a lot and wakes up sooner than she should/would. So after the first night feed she’s been spending most of the night cuddled up to me because I really don’t want to waste half my sleep time trying to coax her to fall back asleep in her chair. We all need the sleep and are much happier for it. Den’s been doing the night diaper changes, though… I’ll definitely miss that when he goes back to work!

A little over 2 weeks since she’s been born and this is starting to feel like the new normal – and that is such a great feeling. This is our life now, we’re settling in to a routine (well, sort of – it’s not much of a routine, lol), we’re getting used to this living with a baby. Our baby.

We get up whenever we get up – sometimes it’s at 8am, sometimes it’s not until 11am, depends how well she slept that night. She’s waking every 3 hours or so, I have to feed her and sometimes we have to change her – I’ve been letting Den deal with the dipes so I can catch another few minutes of sleep, considering he can sleep while I feed. Den is spending a good deal of time doing work around the house and yard, all the things that he’s been meaning to do but hasn’t gotten around to. It’s nice because he’s right there if I need an extra hand. He gets things done, then spends the rest of the day with Kate and I.

The breastfeeding is still hurting like a bitch. I knew it might be hard, but holy hell I did not expect it to be this rough on my nipples. Friends tell me that they’ll get used to it very soon and it’ll stop hurting – I’m really looking forward to that day. Thankfully the blisters are gone, they’re just really raw and sensitive. Usually it’s not bad during the day, but when she starts cluster-feeding and nursing to soothe for 2 solid hours in the evening, well, then I just want to rip my boobs off my body for a little while. But I know Kate is eating well, getting lots of milk, she’s happy… that’s the important part.

We’re slowly figuring out that her fussiness in the evening is gas – and when she’s fussy she wants the boob. I’m trying to make sure to burp her really well during and after she eats, and that seems to be helping. She sure gives some good burps. I’m also trying to keep her upright when I can, like letting her sleep on my chest or in a tummy-to-tummy hold in the ringsling. Kate does love her swing but she prefers to be snuggled up to one of us, which honestly is just fine with us, we just love cuddling with her while she sleeps so peacefully. I love to nuzzle and kiss her sweet little head as I rock in the rocking chair.

I watch a lot of HGTV while laying back in the rocking chair with Kate nestled against me. I don’t get a whole lot done in the day, but you know I really don’t care. This is the best way to spend my days.

I hope my last few posts didn’t come across as despondent, because honestly, it’s not that bad. Is it hard? Yes. But I have an amazing husband (who has not gone back to work yet, so he’s here full-time to do this parenting thing with me), I have a lovely daughter, and I’m just trying to figure the rest out. I do want to make sure I write it all down, though… I want to remember all of this, even the hard bits. I promise to post lots of gushy bits, too… they come pretty much in equal measure.

Yesterday I made my first purchase off of craig’s list. I figured that since Katherine loves (LOVES!) her baby papasan swing so much that it would be good to try the baby papasan infant seat in the bedroom. Much to my delight there was one available on craig’s list and yesterday we drove out to pick it up. It was a good price, it was in good shape, and I was very happy to try it out.

We’ve tried different things at night: we put the cosleeper mattress on an incline, we used a sleep positioner so she’d feel snug, I’ve swaddled her (she woke up pissed that she couldn’t move her arms), not swaddled her, used the bouncy seat… no dice. Now keep in mind that she sleeps great during the day, either when one of us are holding her or in her swing. But at night when I just really wanted to lay down and sleep, too, I’d nurse her to sleep then tenderly put her down… and she’d wake up 5 minutes later, flail around a little bit, and start crying. When sleeping she cycles frequently between a deep sleep (when she’s out cold and nothing can wake her) and a lighter, active sleep (when she’s squeaking, smiling, wiggling). What I have noticed is that if she’s asleep on one of us she’ll frequently open her eyes and glance around during her lighter sleep, then sigh and fall back asleep. But when she’s in her cosleeper or bouncer or wherever she just isn’t happy and can’t – or won’t – resettle once she hits one of those lighter sleep periods. Except in her swing; for whatever reason she’s happily slept for 3-hour stretches in her swing since day one…. it’s the one place we can put her down to sleep and go eat, shower, or just stop sweating. (It is horribly humid, when she’s laying on me I sweat like crazy, yuck!)

Thus the reason for buying the infant seat. We got it set up, I nursed her to sleep, I carefully put her down in the seat. She sighed, settled, and continued sleeping. I was excited! And then….. THHHBBTTTTTTT. She filled her diaper. I sighed and counted down… 3, 2, 1… Wah!. She woke up crying. So unfortunately I had to do it all over again: change, nurse, carefully put her down. There was some squirming in her sleep, some peeking around, so I flipped on the vibration feature. And she fell back asleep! Three times overnight she went down for sleep in her little chair, and three times she stayed asleep for a couple of hours before waking up to feed. I got actual sleep in bed! Ahhh! It was such a relief that she slept. Of course each time she’d start crying and I’d wake up I’d have this moment of panic wondering where the hell she was. I could hear her but she wasn’t nestled up against my belly, causing me to sit up and look around in a momentary panic. Of course she was in the infant seat right next to me (we put it in her cosleeper so she was literally right there).

She’s asleep on my lap right now, something that I really adore. She makes all kinds of squeaks and sighs as she sleeps – a little distracting at night (as I keep checking to make sure she’s still asleep), but during the day we frequently find ourselves just staring at her happily. I am trying to get pictures of her cute little faces.

We’re not getting a whole lot done, but we’re pretty happy with this life we have right now. We both wish Den could stay home from work permanently – it is so nice having him around. We watch a lot of movies and HGTV. I’m able to read a lot of stuff online, but writing is harder because I really hate typing with just one hand. My base of operations is my desk chair – it has arms on it, I put a pillow and then my boppy on my lap. Kate nestles on top against my chest, it’s just the right height for nursing. And the chair has wheels, so if needed I can slowly wheel myself across the room without disturbing her. My desk is in the living room so I’m able to watch TV, use my laptop, and eat (as long as someone brings me the food, lol) while my lap is occupied. It’s convenient, but my butt hurts sometimes, lol. Den has taken over the rocking recliner. He seems pretty comfy. He’s very good at soothing Kate and getting her to settle in his arms… he’s very handy to have around. ;)

Hooboy, I’m starting to lose it. Last night went like the previous nights: I’d nurse her to sleep, I’d carefully and gently put her in her cosleeper (which we had modified: mattress on a slight incline, sleep positioner to make her feel snug), I’d lay down and close my eyes… and she’d wake up and start fussing, then swinging arms, then crying. Rinse, repeat. I slept for about 2 hours with her nestled against my belly after nursing, and then after the next nursing session and attempt at putting her to sleep I ended up putting her in her swing in the living room, pulling over the futon, and falling asleep there. I think I got about 3 hours of sleep on the futon before she woke up again.

So I’m running short of sleep today again as we headed into another evening of crying and cluster-feeding for well over 3 hours. It’s not even just that I was exhausted, because while I’m tired I’m not falling-over exhausted. But the combination of tired plus constant nursing on sore nipples plus crying baby all ended with me sobbing gently and Den trying to save me. I told him there was nothing he could do, the only thing she wanted was boob, but he insisted I go take a nap and leave her. I have no idea what he did or how well she was, but I napped for about an hour before he woke me up to feed her again. Even just that felt great.

Like I said, it’s not like I’m falling over with exhaustion – though that day will soon come if she continues not sleeping at night. It’s just so damn hard having an upset baby for that length of time. I almost couldn’t leave her with Den, because she was crying and it kills me when she cries. She not only looks sad, she sounds absolutely pitiful. It makes me feel like a horrible mommy and I just want to cry with her. The feeding non-stop doesn’t help, either; even though logically I know it’s normal to cluster-feed like this it still makes me worry that she’s getting enough. But she only cluster-feeds in the evening, she poops and pees plenty… but you know how it is. Mommy anxiety.

This mommy anxiety is rough – and I mean, the “normal” stuff besides the weird panic attacks I was having. This is the stuff everyone warned me about: now that she’s here and safe, I still don’t feel “safe.” I worry about her suffocating. I worry about dropping her. I worry about her eating enough. Just like I used to check to make sure she was still kicking, now I check to make sure she’s still breathing. It’s not an obsession or anything, it’s not overwhelming… but I just have those flashes of worry. I’d love to believe they’ll go away, but from what everyone has told me this is kind of a parent thing and I’ll worry about her the rest of her life. One day she’ll be saying, “Mo-ooommm!” when I ask her to call me when she gets there, just like I used to do to my mom.

Den said to me tonight, “So remember when you said you wanted her to stay this age forever?” Yeah, yeah, okay…. maybe it’s a good thing that this is just temporary.