People keep asking us, “How is she sleeping?” I don’t know how to answer them. I guess if I were a “traditional” parent who was insisting that baby sleep in their own bed the answer would be, “Terrible!” She will sleep for a little bit in her swing or infant seat, if she’s already mostly asleep when you set her down, but it’s not for as long or as deep as she sleeps in our arms. This makes for very long nights if you’re trying to get her to sleep in her seat, because after feeding her we have to burp her, sometimes change her, nurse her back to sleep, then hold and rock her for 10+ minutes until she’s asleep deeply enough to be put back down and stay asleep. And since she’s nursing every 3-4 hours even at night that doesn’t leave a whole lot left over for us to sleep.

So we’ve ended up cosleeping, Kate sleeping in my arms. We didn’t intend to do that, and it was scary for us at first so I did a lot of reading online for how others do it safely. But it works. She sleeps like a dream, content and peaceful, for 3-4 hour stretches. When she wakes up hungry I feed her side-lying. I tend to stay half-awake while she’s eating, because it’s still a little uncomfortable on the nipples, but sometimes I drift off. When she’s done she simply falls asleep and pops off the boob, then uses my boob as a pillow. I adjust her so she’s on her back nestled up against my chest and belly, me on my side with my knees bent and my lower arm extended, sometimes under her head. The only complaint i could make is that I sleep lighter when she’s next to me, because I’m hyper-aware of her, and I by necessity have to sleep in that one position for many hours at a time. But being able to sleep for 3 hour stretches kind of makes up for that. In my arms she isn’t fussy, she doesn’t stay awake, she just feeds and falls back asleep again. Whenever I decide to get up (usually after three of her sleep stretches) I feel well-rested and ready to face the day. I may have a short nap during the day once in a while, but for the most part I don’t need to.

We’re still encouraging her to sleep in her cosleeper (which is right beside me, attached to the bed); we start her in her bed to let her sleep as long as she will, then I take her into my arms when she wakes up crying. Last night she didn’t even want to feed that first time (after 2 hours of sleep), she just wanted cuddles and she fell right back asleep for another 2 hours. I think as she gets older and more secure she’ll sleep longer periods in her own bed. We’re not concerned. She’s so small, so new to this world, it’s no wonder that being alone is scary and upsetting.

I’m already noticing that she is getting used to the world. A week or two ago she hated being put down at all, unless she was deeply asleep and didn’t notice. Even a week ago when I tried putting her on her blanket for some activity time she didn’t want any of it for more than a minute. But this week she actually seems to be enjoying laying on her blanket for 10-15 minutes, staring around and kicking her legs – and those times will lengthen as she gets older. I can even leave the room to go to the bathroom or throw the laundry in the dryer and she’s fine and happy. She has a little mirror that has bright colored fabric around the edge with patterns and shapes. She loves to lay there and just stare at it. It’s so funny to watch her so involved in the art of staring!

Kate really truly hates swaddling. Friends kept saying how much their babies love swaddling and how much better they sleep, even if they struggle at first. So every few days I’d try swaddling her at night, she’d just cry, her arms would bust out and I’d unswaddle her. Last night she had already fallen asleep, so I used one of the velcro swaddle blankets to wrap her up tight. She stayed asleep! I thought, success! But not 10 minutes later I hear her starting to rouse. Uh, she said. Uh….. uh….. UH…. UHHH! UHHHHH!!! I look over and she is only half-awake but struggling like hell against the confines of the swaddle holding her arms down. She then woke up and really started screaming in frustration. I had to unwrap her and it took a while to calm her down and get her back to sleep. The next time I just lightly wrapped her lower half in a receiving blanket and put her back down, where she slept for 2 hours. So obviously the swaddle isn’t working if it actually wakes her up! She just has to have her hands up by her face.

People say that babies don’t come with a manual. I disagree. The problem is that there are too many “manuals” out there – there’s all kinds of books and theories and advice out there – everyone has some kind of opinion on what the best way to do something is. It’s confusing as hell, especially when you didn’t really do much reading about babies before you had one. (I read a ton about pregnancy and labor… very little about newborns.) There are so many decisions you make, whether you know you’re making a decision or not. It’s a little nervewracking. There were so many times in the first week that Den and I would both just stared at the baby, completely unsure what to do, afraid we were going to do something wrong.

We don’t follow any particular parenting “method.” We don’t have a schedule. We just take one thing, one day at a time. If needed I look something up, ask friends. Mostly we just listen to Kate. I’ve learned not to worry too much about how a decision made on today’s info will affect next week, next month… because it probably will change completely by then.

It’s all a learning process, and it’s interesting figuring it all out. We just try to keep Ms. Kate happy.

Den: “Somehow I always pictured breatfeeding as a quiet activity.” (As Kate grunts, squeaks, smacks her lips, and otherwise makes a full range of animated noises while eating.)

Sometimes breastfeeding feels like an extended game of “pin the tail on the donkey.” And the donkey won’t lay still.

Hiccups that wake my baby up after we’ve finally gotten her to sleep are effing annoying. Kate agrees.

Kate now has much more awake time, which is good. However she has a short attention span and doesn’t know what to do with her awake time, this is bad.

We have a fussy girl who doesn’t want to sleep. Sigh.

Things can get a little rough at times when Kate is being fussy. It is heartbreaking to have her cry and cry and not be able to figure out why – or to think it’s probably gas and nothing we do helps. Thankfully her fussy periods are generally short, it’s not as if she spends hours screaming, just evenings where she spends an hour falling asleep then waking up whimpering and crying.

There is no predictability yet, but on happy days she does like to eat, get changed, spend time on her playmat, then nurse a little bit until she’s drowsy and then she’ll sleep for 2 hours during the day. Yesterday was a good day, so she pretty much followed that pattern all day until it was time to fall asleep and us all to go to bed, then for some reason she was fighting it. Maybe it was the bath. Very traumatic, in her eyes.

Sleep, other than those frustrating times, is pretty decent. We just discovered that if she’s milk-drunk we can put her in her swing, turn it on, and she might actually fall asleep on her own. That is huge!! In the past we’ve had to make sure she was solidly asleep before putting her down somewhere, and then you just hope she doesn’t wake back up. I do certainly love that swing. Last night I decided to try her in her cosleeper again, I took out the infant seat and inclined the mattress slightly. She was sound asleep when we put her down, snug between two rolled towels as a sleep positioner type thing (she needs to feel snug or she just wakes up flailing). She did rouse slightly, but not all the way, so I layed there for some time with my hand on her chest, gently rubbing… and she fell back asleep! And stayed asleep for an hour or two. When she woke up I fed her in bed, then moved her back to the cosleeper just to see… and wouldn’t you know it, she slept there again! When she woke up with the sun she was wide-eyed and staring around, quite a change from her waking up kicking and crying in the infant seat. So I layed there and talked with her for a little while, she even gave me a couple of smiles before she decided she was done and hungry.

Speaking of smiles, she smiled at me yesterday for the first time! She’d been smiling at daddy, and even a couple of times at a toy, but not mommy. I figure she is always too distracted going “EH EH” for boobies every time she sees mommy. It sure was nice to see a happy smile. I am so looking forward to more smiles and hearing laughs.

Breastfeeding is going so much better, this week has definitely seen a huge change. I don’t yelp when she latches anymore, and my nipples don’t burn. They’re still sensitive and I’m not a fan of when she pokes them with her fingers while groping me, but the worst I get while breastfeeding is a weird itchy feeling when she’s at the end of a feed and my breast is pretty empty. Oh, and of course that pins and needles tingly feeling during let-down – which is actually very useful, because sometimes I’ll get that when she’s not on the breast and it’s my reminder to make sure I have breast pads in! She does tend to be a messy eater now, she has drool and milk on her chin when she’s done, lol. She’s also been spitting up a little bit here and there – not a lot, and not every time. But enough that I have a washcloth ready to wipe her and me off. Have to love being spit up on, right? The only frustration with nursing is that some days she’s a huge wiggle-worm, arms and legs going. She tends to push and kick herself off the nipple, then she gets mad. Not so great with the coordination there. Yesterday when she was doing that I put her on her playmat for a little while to try to get out some of her energy so she’d settle down and eat. It only partially worked.

Today for father’s day Kate and I are going to go watch Den play baseball. I’m still a little nervous taking her out, mostly because she likes to blow through diapers unexpectedly so I feel like I need to bring ten million of them (just a slight exaggeration). Hopefully she’s a happy baby today!

The rare naps that Katherine takes in places other than my arms always leave me feeling a little bit lost. First I’m all, I can do stuff! I have two hands! And can walk around freely! I can even go pee! but then soon enough I start thinking that I should do something with this golden opportunity, but what?! Maybe I run around putting her clean laundry away, maybe I grab myself some food. Or maybe I just sit here with my knees pulled up to my chest, typing with both hands. It’s quite the treat.

Kate is 4 weeks old and I really have no idea how people manage their lives with a toddler, a newborn, and a husband back at work. But then maybe they have a baby who will nap when you put them down. Once Kate figures that one out I’ll be golden. Until then I’ll continue spending a lot of time in the rocking recliner. I think I could have done more to encourage her to sleep elsewhere, but then I really needed her in my arms those first few weeks – for me, not her. I do just fine… as long as I don’t have to actually accomplish anything or go anywhere. Then it gets tricky.

I’ve noticed that despite me not having any schedule at all Kate is slowly settling into a pattern. She wakes and sleeps randomly through the day, but the past few days she slept for 3-4 hours when she fell asleep at 9 or 10pm. Unfortunately I did not go to bed so I did not get that much sleep. And she has been waking up at 5:30am wide awake. Tonight I’m going to try that schedule myself and see how it goes. I don’t think she will sleep that long in her cosleeper, however – she has been sleeping in there, but it’s not as soundly as when she’s in my arms, she tends to wake up after an hour or two. (And yes, I have tried swaddling her multiple times. She woke up after 10 minutes and screamed. I now swaddle her lower half and leave her arms out, that seems to work okay.)

I’m very happy we’ve made it a month breastfeeding. It’s hard, but getting easier. No more nipple pain! Right now we are dealing with Kate popping on and off the boob while nursing and getting wicked cranky about it. It could be several different things: reflux, gas, milk flow too fast or too slow. I’m trying to figure out which one it is. Tomorrow is her ped appointment so I’ll be asking him about reflux. We know she is gassy. But when on the boob she mainly just seems to get frustrated and angry, my gut feeling is that the boob is not behaving the way she wants it to. So I’m just trying to pay attention to her and make mental note of her behavior. I’ve heard from others that their babies are doing similar things right around the same age so hopefully it’s just a phase she’ll grow out of. This too shall pass.

She has changed so much in the past month – she looks so different and yet the same too. I try hard not to wish time away, even when she’s fussy and crying. These days seem so very brief.

We have a healthy, growing girl. She’s now 8lb 8oz and 19.75 inches long. The length thing is kind of weird because in the hospital at birth she was measured at 20 inches, but at the pediatrician appointment 3 days later she was measured at 19 inches. So by their measurement she’s grown.

Last two times we had an appointment with the pediatrician Kate screamed pretty much from getting stripped for the weight check until the end when I could nurse her. This time we expected a repeat and instead she was wide awake and staring around, staring at the doctor. He turned her onto her tummy and she lifted her head a little and mouthed the paper sheet completely calmly – and that was right after we told him she utterly hates tummy time.

The pediatrician listened to our descriptions of Kate’s behavior and crying and said it’s not colic and doesn’t sound like reflux. I agree, but I wanted to check just in case. Personally we think it’s a combination of some episodes of gas, her personality, and some fleeting dissatisfaction with my boobs. The gas cries happen after she eats, but not all the time – the mylicon seems to help.

The awake time fussiness seems to just be her wanting something that we can’t always figure out. It’s kind of funny really. It’s not crying or screaming, just her scrunching up her face, looking around, and saying “Wah!” I won’t lie – we laugh. Now if we don’t do anything she’ll escalate into crying, and sometimes it’s frustrating trying to figure out where she wants to be – it can take a few position changes and moves. Or, failing that, the boob or pacifier can fix it.

The fussiness at the boob is new and I’m trying to figure it out… Though today she’s been pretty good with eating. I get the distinct impression that she’s not getting what she wants. It happens a few minutes into feeding, and it was worst yesterday and the day before when she was feeding frequently. I know I have plenty of milk, I am leaking everywhere. She also tends to gulp and cough when eating, which are signs of a strong let-down. I thought maybe she was used getting mad when the milk flow slowed down a few minutes into feeding. But today the one time she started fussing during a feeding she popped herself off the boob and then started rooting, same as she has been doing. I though the rooting meant she was still hungry. When she pulled off milk leaked all down my front – yikes! So today at least the problem is not a lack of flow! On a hunch I offered her a pacifier and bingo, she was happy. It appears she was done eating and just wanted to comfort nurse. I’ll see how this goes over the next few days.

I’m starting to think about doing baby signs with her. I’ve always considered it, but trying to figure out what she wants is reminding me what a good idea it is. Obviously it wouldn’t help now or for a while, but giving her a way to communicate before she can talk sounds like a great idea to me.

Katherine’s favorite place to nap during the day is on Den’s or my chest. As she falls asleep her little finger knead my chest, her eyes drift shut, her head lolls to the side and back as she tries to find the most comfortable position. Most of the time she needs her pacifier to suck on – she has stopped comfort nursing on me, for the most part. And then as she sleeps her little face looks so peaceful, her little lips pursed in a soft little “o”. I often get a sore neck tilting my head down to stare at her. She’s beautiful. We are so freaking lucky. I don’t just want to capture how she looks or how she sounds, I want to capture how I feel when I look at her, her weight in my hands as I pick her up, the feel of her skin and downy hair under my fingertips.

It’s hard, oh yes it is. There are times when she starts really screaming at the top of her lungs that I want to just put her down, throw up my hands and walk away. It’s near impossible to get anything done around the house. Going out takes a lot of preparation, timing, and a hefty dose of luck. But we knew it was going to be hard and we wouldn’t trade a single moment. This is a gift – all of it, even the poopy diapers and screaming fits.

It’s sad to know that Katherine will never truly understand how much we love her. There will come a day when she doesn’t want cuddles and kisses, when she thinks I am terrible and mean, when she goes off on her own.
Maybe when she has a child of her own she’ll realize – but even then she won’t really be able to picture this, her mom rocking her to sleep, overflowing with love.

::

When I attended the breastfeeding class with Katherine a few weeks ago I was caught off-guard by how yound the other moms were. Same when I picked up the used infant seat that I had found on craig’s list – it really gave me a shock how young the mom was. I don’t know why, but I still think of moms as, well you know… my mom and her friends. Now suddenly the moms around me are in their 20’s and 30’s – they’re my age. Many are younger than me – I’m nearly 5 years older than I was when we started down this path. And more than that, I’m one of them – I’m one of the moms.

One of the first times Den took Katherine for a walk around the neighborhood in the stroller he said to me, “It’s really nice to push this around with a baby in it.” (One of the most heartbreaking sights of my life was in the days after Devin died, watching Den push the empty stroller around the basement. I still cry every time I picture it.)

There are so many little things that we appreciate now that we wouldn’t have a few years ago… Not in the same way. It’s such a huge gift that she is here at all.

::

Since we’ve had two good days of nursing – I think I’ve figured out her issue – we went ahead with our plan to introduce the bottle (of pumped breastmilk, of course). I will be working 8 hours a week at the non-profit that I work and volunteer for, so getting her to take the occasional bottle is key – also Den really wants to be able to feed her once a day. I warmed up the milk and then handed the bottle to Den and made myself scarce. We had tried a few days ago and she wanted nothing to do with the concept, so we didn’t know what to expect. But this time Kate, hungry and still slightly sleepy from a nap, took the bottle without pause and ate it all. She was still hungry so I offered her the breast and she finished up her meal there. Huh. That was easier than I expected.

The breastfeeding issue: I’m almost positive that Jaci hit the nail on the head with her suggestion of oversupply. When let down kicks in I dribble all over the place, Kate has been gulping and coughing, and for the first few minutes of a feed she makes a popping noise with every suck, as she breaks the suction and takes in air. It seems babies do that in order to cope with a fast flow. Unfortunately that air leads to gas and spitting up.

And also, for the first few weeks Kate was constantly comfort nursing. She doesn’t do that anymore – when she’s done she wants off. BUT she still really needs to suck. This explains her rooting, re-latching, then pulling off and crying. She wanted to suck, but kept getting unwanted mouthfuls of milk. Once I realized that and offered her the pacifier when she was done eating we no longer have an angry, crying baby.

To address the oversupply I’m going to be block nursing for a while. This will hopefully help regulate my supply, prevent any clogged ducts by fully emptying the breast, and hopefully let her comfort nurse a little if she wants to. I know that’s not necessary, but I kind of liked being the thing that calmed her. It’s stupid, but I feel a little jealous of the pacifier… Even though it saved me when my nipples hurt so damn bad.)

Kate is a fussy pants. She’s not a colicky baby, she doesn’t scream non-stop for hours. She fusses. Constantly. This morning was incredibly frustrating because, first of all, she kept waking up in the middle of naps. I tried like 3 different times in 3 different ways and each time she would fall asleep great, like usual, and about an hour into it she’d wake up crying for one reason or another. An hour may be good for some babies, but not mine – mine likes her long naps. Mine needs her long naps.

So then she’d be crying to start and I’d go through the usual: feed her, burp her, change her. And that would good for all of 2 minutes. Playmat? Wah. Swing? Waahhh. Pack’n’play? Waahh! Walking around? Walking outside? Sitting on my lap? Waaaaahhhhh!! Oh. My. God. Child, what do you WANT? And of course she escalates, so the little fussing turns into crying and once she gets into being pissed off I honestly think she forgets why she’s upset in the first place. And still, I don’t know what the problem is.

As far as I can figure her awake time can withstand only nursing and then maybe 10 minutes of happy time. Once those 10 minutes are up I have no idea what to do other than get her to sleep more (which is usually pretty easy to do, just not today). I can think of many different things I could do with her – if she would even entertain the thought. Some days I feel like I must be doing something wrong, especially when others talk about how their babies enjoy spending time doing things, how awake and interested in the world they are. Other days I’m convinced that she’s just extremely picky and this is just how she is.

So most of the time she just sleeps. Except today when she kept waking up. She had a long screaming fit mid-day simply due to lack of sleep. But I tell you what, once we got her to sleep after that, man, she was OUT. On Den’s chest she wiggled and nuzzled and then lights out. She slept for over 3 hours, ate, was changed, then slept for another 3 hours. And she’s still asleep. Errr, I hope she sleeps tonight, too.

So lesson of the day: only attempt one nap somewhere not in our arms. She just doesn’t sleep well enough unless she’s snuggled up to her daddy or me.

I feel like I’ve moved to a completely different mental space. People always warn that having a new baby doesn’t erase the grief of having lost a child, it doesn’t “fix” it. And yet it kind of did for us. Yes of course the grief is still there, Devin is still very very much a part of our lives. But before I got pregnant my whole life revolved around my pain – not just the pain of losing Devin, but the pain of not having a child at all. It WAS my life. Every outing, every social gathering, every day reminded us of what we did not have.

Now everything is different. Now we are the ones with baby gear all over the house. We are the ones lugging the kitchen sink to a picnic. We are the ones who talk endlessly about poop and spit-up and how adorable the little smiles are. I find myself gravitating towards other parents, instead of away. I feel like I finally joined the other side.

My life is no longer only grief – I guess that’s the main difference. It used to be a swirling ball of grief with some fun and interests around the outside edge; now it’s joy in taking care of Katherine that makes up the bulk of it, with grief sitting on the side. And I’m happy to leave it on the side – I grieved enough. I’ll take it out now and again when I need to release it for a little while, but I’ll put it back on the shelf when I’m done.

I do have more fears, however. I know most new parents have normal fears of things like dropping the baby or getting in a car accident. But it’s a lot more real, I think, when you’ve already had to suffer the tragic death of a child resulting from something very rare and unexpected. Just like in pregnancy when I couldn’t fully shake the thought of the baby dying unexpectedly, it never really went away after she was born. I still worry because it could happen. Bad things happen. Now I don’t obsess over it, I don’t overreact… but the thoughts are still there. Both Den and I frequently check her to make sure she’s breathing. Habit, just like I used to poke her to get a kick when she was in the womb (at least now when she’s sleeping I don’t have to wake her up to check!).

::

People are definitely right: it just keeps getting better. I absolutely adored her as a squeaky little newborn wrapped in my arms. But now she is smiling at us on a daily basis. It’s crazy how excited two adults become at such a simple little thing, but we crowd over her laughing in delight and trying our damndest to get her to smile again. She has us wrapped around her little fingers!

The last two days have been fantastic. Yesterday we went out to a pool party. We did bring everything but the kitchen sink, yes… though a lot of it was our stuff, not hers. But I definitely find that going somewhere and setting up “camp” with all her and our stuff makes for a much MUCH more enjoyable day than those days when we go out driving here and there. I had a comfortable chair, her diapers and changes of clothes (which came in handy), burp cloths, pacifiers, nursing cover… everything we needed right at hand. We didn’t have to interrupt any naps, I could feed her when she was hungry. It made for a very pleasant day with her. And on top of that she was happy when she was awake! She smiled at her uncle and sat on my lap staring around at the trees, the kids, the people. I really think she enjoyed herself.

Today she had more happy awake time, which was just so nice to see! I held her upright sitting on my lap and she stared at me (that wide-eyed crazy kind of look), gave me some huge smiles as I chatted to her and nom-nommed on her little fingers, then stared out the window for a while. On her playmat Den was playing with her favorite toy (some “keys” that make noise) and she gave some big smiles for him too. Ahhhhh, so neat! I’m starting to get excited about when she interacts even more.