Katherine’s favorite place to nap during the day is on Den’s or my chest. As she falls asleep her little finger knead my chest, her eyes drift shut, her head lolls to the side and back as she tries to find the most comfortable position. Most of the time she needs her pacifier to suck on – she has stopped comfort nursing on me, for the most part. And then as she sleeps her little face looks so peaceful, her little lips pursed in a soft little “o”. I often get a sore neck tilting my head down to stare at her. She’s beautiful. We are so freaking lucky. I don’t just want to capture how she looks or how she sounds, I want to capture how I feel when I look at her, her weight in my hands as I pick her up, the feel of her skin and downy hair under my fingertips.

It’s hard, oh yes it is. There are times when she starts really screaming at the top of her lungs that I want to just put her down, throw up my hands and walk away. It’s near impossible to get anything done around the house. Going out takes a lot of preparation, timing, and a hefty dose of luck. But we knew it was going to be hard and we wouldn’t trade a single moment. This is a gift – all of it, even the poopy diapers and screaming fits.

It’s sad to know that Katherine will never truly understand how much we love her. There will come a day when she doesn’t want cuddles and kisses, when she thinks I am terrible and mean, when she goes off on her own.
Maybe when she has a child of her own she’ll realize – but even then she won’t really be able to picture this, her mom rocking her to sleep, overflowing with love.

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When I attended the breastfeeding class with Katherine a few weeks ago I was caught off-guard by how yound the other moms were. Same when I picked up the used infant seat that I had found on craig’s list – it really gave me a shock how young the mom was. I don’t know why, but I still think of moms as, well you know… my mom and her friends. Now suddenly the moms around me are in their 20’s and 30’s – they’re my age. Many are younger than me – I’m nearly 5 years older than I was when we started down this path. And more than that, I’m one of them – I’m one of the moms.

One of the first times Den took Katherine for a walk around the neighborhood in the stroller he said to me, “It’s really nice to push this around with a baby in it.” (One of the most heartbreaking sights of my life was in the days after Devin died, watching Den push the empty stroller around the basement. I still cry every time I picture it.)

There are so many little things that we appreciate now that we wouldn’t have a few years ago… Not in the same way. It’s such a huge gift that she is here at all.

::

Since we’ve had two good days of nursing – I think I’ve figured out her issue – we went ahead with our plan to introduce the bottle (of pumped breastmilk, of course). I will be working 8 hours a week at the non-profit that I work and volunteer for, so getting her to take the occasional bottle is key – also Den really wants to be able to feed her once a day. I warmed up the milk and then handed the bottle to Den and made myself scarce. We had tried a few days ago and she wanted nothing to do with the concept, so we didn’t know what to expect. But this time Kate, hungry and still slightly sleepy from a nap, took the bottle without pause and ate it all. She was still hungry so I offered her the breast and she finished up her meal there. Huh. That was easier than I expected.

The breastfeeding issue: I’m almost positive that Jaci hit the nail on the head with her suggestion of oversupply. When let down kicks in I dribble all over the place, Kate has been gulping and coughing, and for the first few minutes of a feed she makes a popping noise with every suck, as she breaks the suction and takes in air. It seems babies do that in order to cope with a fast flow. Unfortunately that air leads to gas and spitting up.

And also, for the first few weeks Kate was constantly comfort nursing. She doesn’t do that anymore – when she’s done she wants off. BUT she still really needs to suck. This explains her rooting, re-latching, then pulling off and crying. She wanted to suck, but kept getting unwanted mouthfuls of milk. Once I realized that and offered her the pacifier when she was done eating we no longer have an angry, crying baby.

To address the oversupply I’m going to be block nursing for a while. This will hopefully help regulate my supply, prevent any clogged ducts by fully emptying the breast, and hopefully let her comfort nurse a little if she wants to. I know that’s not necessary, but I kind of liked being the thing that calmed her. It’s stupid, but I feel a little jealous of the pacifier… Even though it saved me when my nipples hurt so damn bad.)