I feel like I’ve moved to a completely different mental space. People always warn that having a new baby doesn’t erase the grief of having lost a child, it doesn’t “fix” it. And yet it kind of did for us. Yes of course the grief is still there, Devin is still very very much a part of our lives. But before I got pregnant my whole life revolved around my pain – not just the pain of losing Devin, but the pain of not having a child at all. It WAS my life. Every outing, every social gathering, every day reminded us of what we did not have.

Now everything is different. Now we are the ones with baby gear all over the house. We are the ones lugging the kitchen sink to a picnic. We are the ones who talk endlessly about poop and spit-up and how adorable the little smiles are. I find myself gravitating towards other parents, instead of away. I feel like I finally joined the other side.

My life is no longer only grief – I guess that’s the main difference. It used to be a swirling ball of grief with some fun and interests around the outside edge; now it’s joy in taking care of Katherine that makes up the bulk of it, with grief sitting on the side. And I’m happy to leave it on the side – I grieved enough. I’ll take it out now and again when I need to release it for a little while, but I’ll put it back on the shelf when I’m done.

I do have more fears, however. I know most new parents have normal fears of things like dropping the baby or getting in a car accident. But it’s a lot more real, I think, when you’ve already had to suffer the tragic death of a child resulting from something very rare and unexpected. Just like in pregnancy when I couldn’t fully shake the thought of the baby dying unexpectedly, it never really went away after she was born. I still worry because it could happen. Bad things happen. Now I don’t obsess over it, I don’t overreact… but the thoughts are still there. Both Den and I frequently check her to make sure she’s breathing. Habit, just like I used to poke her to get a kick when she was in the womb (at least now when she’s sleeping I don’t have to wake her up to check!).

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People are definitely right: it just keeps getting better. I absolutely adored her as a squeaky little newborn wrapped in my arms. But now she is smiling at us on a daily basis. It’s crazy how excited two adults become at such a simple little thing, but we crowd over her laughing in delight and trying our damndest to get her to smile again. She has us wrapped around her little fingers!

The last two days have been fantastic. Yesterday we went out to a pool party. We did bring everything but the kitchen sink, yes… though a lot of it was our stuff, not hers. But I definitely find that going somewhere and setting up “camp” with all her and our stuff makes for a much MUCH more enjoyable day than those days when we go out driving here and there. I had a comfortable chair, her diapers and changes of clothes (which came in handy), burp cloths, pacifiers, nursing cover… everything we needed right at hand. We didn’t have to interrupt any naps, I could feed her when she was hungry. It made for a very pleasant day with her. And on top of that she was happy when she was awake! She smiled at her uncle and sat on my lap staring around at the trees, the kids, the people. I really think she enjoyed herself.

Today she had more happy awake time, which was just so nice to see! I held her upright sitting on my lap and she stared at me (that wide-eyed crazy kind of look), gave me some huge smiles as I chatted to her and nom-nommed on her little fingers, then stared out the window for a while. On her playmat Den was playing with her favorite toy (some “keys” that make noise) and she gave some big smiles for him too. Ahhhhh, so neat! I’m starting to get excited about when she interacts even more.