I took a nap after our very long flights and my blood draw, but kept my phone right next to me. I woke up and the damn phone was dead! So I had to plug it in and check my voicemail… there was a message.

Nurse says I’m definitely pregnant, beta was 1049. Which to me sounds a little on the low side for 23dpo, but obviously there is a very large range of normal and I kind of already figured that this one was a slow starter, given the light HPTs I was getting. They’ve scheduled my ultrasound for next wednesday at 10am, and I am opting to have a second blood draw in two days just to hopefully reassure me.

I feel like I ought to be more relieved by a good beta, but I’m not really. Still just so guarded.

The spotting continues. Off and on. A little here, a little there, never all that much, never staying.

Edit: Found some more HPTs stashed in my bathroom… a FRER and an Answer. Both have the test line darker than the control line now. So I think it’s safe to say that my HCG has been appropriately rising so far. It’s so nice to see dark lines!!

Today’s HPTs (FRER on the top, Answer on the bottom. The tests may look the same and be made by the same manufacturer, as people say, but the lines on them show up very differently!)

These are the last ones, because they were the only ones left in the house… I do not intend to buy any more!

::

My flight back home was something akin to torture. I cannot really tell you why I was so stressed out, but I had this horrible feeling of forboding about flying while pregnant and spotting, like somehow the flight would knock something loose and cause a miscarriage in earnest. For the last few days I’ve had a lot of dread about the actual flights.

Our first flight was a small prop plane, with a lot of noise and a lot of vibration. It was a short flight, thankfully, but I ran to the bathroom afterwards to discover more bright red blood. That seemed to send me into a full-blown panic. I spent the next two flights thinking about my beta and imagining the worst and just feeling sick to my stomach.

The next two flights revealed only leftover spotting during my many checks during our long layovers. Paranoid much?

When we got home I immediately got into my car and drove to the clinic to get my blood drawn. It wasn’t really an immediate necessity for them or the cycle, but it was for my sanity. I needed it now. And I did feel a kind of peace afterwards… like somehow now I had done everything I could and at least I’d be getting the answer soon.

Of course, as I posted, the phone call came and it was a good answer. The actual number left me a little lackluster, though. I felt like I ought to be more relieved, but I’m really not. Now I’m hoping that the next beta and the ultrasound next week are what does the trick, but I’m also fairly certain they won’t solve the problem either. Getting the spotting to stop, however, would go a LONG ways towards restoring my sanity. On the (rare) days that I don’t have any new spotting I actually start to perk up a little and start thinking that maybe I can get excited about this. But, damn, every time I see red I have to remind myself that this could end at any time. I do not want this constant reminder. I am already WELL aware of the risks. Sigh.

But just being home has soothed a frayed corner of me. I know that there is nothing that can be done at this point, no matter where I am – and yet all I could think about was getting home and going into the clinic. Not that they could fix anything, but maybe they could give me some information, maybe they could reassure me. And also I find it’s easy to fall into my old routines at work and forget about the worries, forget that I am pregnant for a little while. It is not a bad thing at this point. Perhaps vacation had too much sitting around doing nothing but fretting.

Regardless, I am home now and with my first beta behind me I am starting to feel a little of the tension ebb from my body. Maybe I will sleep well tonight.

Maybe the spotting will stop. Maybe.

::

Good news about the Cherry tree, the tree we planted for Devin: it is not entirely dead, and is budding.

The bad news about the tree is that only one of the remaining three branches is alive and budding. One fucking branch.

To be perfectly honest I don’t even know if it’s worth holding on to. We’ll trim it back and that one branch should become the new trunk, but it will never be the same. This year we will not get a new photo of the tree “growing.” It is deformed and stunted – gone backwards instead of forwards, less instead of more. The whole thing just makes me incredibly angry.

Even if it does keep growing, I’ll never think of it the same way as I did last year. I have cut myself off from it in my mind and heart. It no longer has significance to me. It’s just a damn tree that almost died. Maybe that will change. Maybe it won’t.

::

I have mentioned here before about my Oreo girl, my dad’s dog. She is, and always will be, my first baby. She’s nearing 14 years old now. I got her when I was 12. I raised her. I trained her. I loved her. I love her still, even though she lives so far away. I cannot put into words how much of my life has been spent with this dog, how much she has seen me through.

One of the things I’ve always looked forward to is getting a picture of her with my child. When Devin died I was just devastated – I hadn’t gotten a picture of her with me when I was pregnant. I had nothing of the two of them together. And she is getting older, I really don’t know if she will make it to see my next child.

So while I was there I made a point to take some pictures of Oreo with Sheepie.

They are just so perfect.

The spotting continues. It has become almost comical. (I said almost.)

The thing is, when someone says “spotting” they usually describe a tiny spot seen only on toilet paper when wiping. My spotting? Blood spot the size of a walnut on my panty liner. And bright red. You can understand the panic attacks this induced.

The last two days the spotting has gotten less and much lighter – more CM, less actual blood. They’re always very watery. And they always stop. One spot, stop. One spot, streaking, stop. At this point I kind of expect to see something and blink in surprize when my panty liner is clean. “Ah ha!” I say, “But you’re not tricking me into thinking you’re gone!”

I’ve been trying to figure out what the pattern is. The nurse thinks it’s just an irritated cervix, but I can’t help but think if that’s the case, wouldn’t the spotting happen after I put progesterone in? But it’s not. And the more I thought about it, the more it seemed to me that the spotting happened just before I put a new dose in. I take three pills a day, spaced evenly every 8-ish hours. So it seemed a little odd when I looked at my notes and saw that the big spots came at the end of those 8 hour periods, in the last hours before my next dose. So I called and asked if they could test my progesterone tomorrow along with my hcg.

Unfortunately the nurse told me that the suppositories work very locally, they absorb through the vagina into the uterus area… they don’t really have a systemic effect. So a blood test won’t really show the true situation with the progesterone. (If it were the IM progesterone, however, then it would definitely be in my entire system, and a blood test would be accurate.) This does explain why they haven’t run any progesterone checks. *sigh* So now I’m wondering… does that mean while on suppositories you’re guaranteed to have enough progesterone in your system and I shouldn’t worry about it? My idea is that maybe I could take more suppositories through the day… take 4 a day instead of 3. If the spotten lessens, then maybe that was the problem. If it doesn’t, then probably not. I’m going to mention it to the nurse tomorrow. I mean, hell, why not, right?

But the thing is, the nurses don’t seem too concerned. She actually told me today that not only is spotting in IVF pregnancies common, but she sees more with spotting than without. So they seem to be treating this as a totally normal occurrence with no bad implications, and not as something worrisome that needs to be treated. I’m not really sure if that’s better or worse. (Better, because if they’re not concerned then it’s probably all okay in there; worse because they’re not really trying to even figure out what the problem is!)

It’s all very confusing. This is exactly the same dosage I was on for my first pregnancy, which had zero spotting whatsoever, which lends itself to the thought that this is not low progesterone (which you would think would be a recurring problem), but something else. Then again, my body has changed significantly since my first pregnancy, so maybe that’s not a good way to judge it.

Easy answer: take 4/day and stop overthinking it. Maybe all those success stories you guys are giving me are working… it’s starting to feel a little less scary. (But only a little.)

::

Today was an interesting day for me. First day back at work. No one asked me for news, so I thought, well, maybe I’ll just keep it to myself until tomorrow when I have the next beta results. But finally someone asked me and I told her the news. Everyone was very excited for me, even though I myself couldn’t work up a whole lot of excitement yet.

They said that they are really relieved – and you could see tension seep out from their shoulders – because a coworker is pregnant too. Just found out while I was gone. And I guess they’ve spent the last week worrying about how on earth to tell me if I came back with bad news. Notice that I had been there half the day before I told my news, and no one said a PEEP about the coworker. They were all chittering to themselves asking if I’d said anything yet, too nervous to ask. It was really sweet. I’m not sure I’ve heard of a place of employment being so sensitive to the emotions of an infertile before! It makes me really glad that I’ve been open with them all about my journey, and that I shared my news with them today.

Regardless, I don’t know how I feel about the coworker being pregnant. One of my first thoughts was the worry, what if I lose this baby and she has hers? I think that would be the end of it there. I do not see me being able to work alongside someone getting big and pregnant after I lost mine. (And also, it’s rather sad that I spent part of my day mentally constructing plans for this contingency… that I even think that way.) I think there is the potential for this to be a good thing… but right now I’m just too worried about how it could be a Bad Thing.

And I admit… I’m a little bit sad and frustrated because it is My Turn and I don’t want to share. Not just because of the fears, but because damnit I want to be the pregnant one. I’m apparently in the middle of a huge baby boom, and that irritates me… as if that causes people to overlook how freaking special this pregnancy is. Silly? Probably. But I’m allowed to feel selfish once in a while. (I’ll get over it. … Maybe.)

::

Beta in the morning. Nervous? Hell yes. Always the worry. But, my body says pregnant.

I am gassy as all hell. Oh dear, I’m not sure how this is going to go, working with other people and all. Not good.

Today I had a lot of stomach tenderness… the ligaments pulling and stretching. It kind of made me smile, actually. Maybe I had these in my first pregnancy and just didn’t recognize them… but I sure do now. It’s a comforting, familiar feeling.

I actually felt my stomach itself be a little weird several times today… apparently an empty stomach makes me feel a little not good. Not puke-worthy or anything (yet), but definitely there is an uncomfortable hollowness that makes me feel a bit sick. I noted how different this is from Devin’s pregnancy… I guess this is why they call it morning sickness, since that’s when your stomach tends to be empty. With Devin it wasn’t this empty-triggered thing. I just felt like puking. Randomly. Without warning, with no trigger. (At least, that’s how I remember it.) I felt sick when I was hungry, sick when I was full, sick when I was eating. It was kind of a no-win situation all the way around, that one. Hopefully if this one progresses like this I can manage it by eating appropriately. That would be nice.

Then there’s the lightness in my head I get once in a while when I stand up suddenly or turn the wrong way. Again, not very pronounced, but enough that my vision blurs very slightly.

Oh… and the moods. I know part of it is the stress… maybe more than a part of it. I’m a little bit short-tempered lately… about everything. I was telling Den it’s like I have this bitchy little hen sitting in my head, bitching bitching bitching about every little thing. Pleasant words come out of my mouth and I smile politely, but that voice in my head just keeps yapping on, snarking about every. little. thing. I’m working to keep it under control and not snap at people for no reason. Cause that would be bad. (And Den even said tonight that he hadn’t noticed me being snarkier than usual with him. Yay, success! He’s usually the first to notice…. and, erhm, the first to recieve.)

So yeah, my body is pretty happily chugging along here, still pregnant.

Beta#1: 4/14/2009, 11am = 1049
Beta#2: 4/16/2009, 9am = 1811

I spent the last two days thinking, if it could just be at least 2000, then I can relax, then I can know it’s okay. My hands were shaking all day today, waiting for the phone call. Despite the fact that I was feeling a little nauseated and feeling some definite pregnancy cramps/ligament stretching, I still was nervous. What if it’s bad news? I could almost hear the nurse’s voice in my head, saying she was sorry. I was mostly fine until about 1pm, and when there was still no call my mind went into overdrive. Not pretty.

So for all of you waiting anxiously, sorry, but I didn’t get my voicemail until 3pm when I went on my break. And then I didn’t really have time to do much besides update twitter.

The nurse opened the voicemail with, “I just wanted to say, congratulations! I am just so happy for you.” So I figured it wasn’t bad news. She continued to say that my blood level was 1811. I was disappointed. Not upset, but just… disappointed. It’s not GREAT, you know? I want GREAT, like Devin’s numbers all were. I want something really really reassuring. I didn’t quite get it.

BUT. The nurse continued to say that they look for doubling times between 2 and 3 days, and I’m right on track for 3, so they are perfectly happy with it and she would see us at the ultrasound next Wednesday.

And then I thought, well duh. Did I really expect it to suddenly take off? I knew from the first beta that this pregnancy has a slower doubling time. Still within the normal range, but the lower end. So this number falls right in line with the HPTs – see, they weren’t wrong… this one definitely was rising much, much slower than my first pregnancy. This is a slow starter, apparently.

Tonight I calculated my doubling time online: 58.39 hours (according to betabase). It’s not too far off the average on the singleton betabase chart. But then look at the breakdown of the doubling time at these levels. Notice where 58 hours falls? Right smack in the median group. Wow, that makes me feel good. Normal is good. Median is good.

Even the spotting is becoming a little bit more normal in my mind. I’ve heard so many stories about people who spotted through their pregnancy, sometimes even heavier than what I’m dealing with. I expect it now. I figure if my beta is still going up, and I’ve been spotting for a week, as long as it doesn’t get worse then it’s probably just one of those things… the things that only exist to drive me insane.

So now I’m just holding my breath until the ultrasound. I just want to know that something is alive in there.

I am super tired… though mostly because I don’t get tired at night until midnight. It’s great. Tired all day and into the evening, then I lay down and bingo, I’m awake. Arrgggg. Body is still adjusting to the eastern time zone. And/or it’s just being obnoxious. Gee, that’s never happened before.

I am not yet 6 weeks, and yet I can feel the nausea creeping in. Yesterday morning at work I felt a little queasy-ish, but eating something helped quell it. Today I felt a little queasy-ish, then on my way to the bathroom to pee I realized it was more than queasy and ended up gagging over the toilet. No throwing up… yet. But something is definitely unhappy in the mornings. (And yes, I ate breakfast! But perhaps cheerios will NOT be my thing this time. I assumed that it would do well for me because it did last time.)

The spotting is, eh. I had next to nothing at all today while at work, which was great! Slightly pink CM at times. But then after my dinner dose I started spotting more red… though that time I think I did irritate my cervix. I am doing four doses a day now, so I’ll give it a few days to judge if there’s an improvement overall. Could just be coincidence.

Feeling some strange, light cramps and twinges now and then. The bloating hit hard today, oh boy. I’ve been gassy for a while, but wasn’t bloated at all. Today my pants were a bit tight when I was sitting.

Oh yeah, and the acne has started. Or something. I haven’t taken a close look at it, but I either have tiny zits or little skin tags on my neck. My neck. WTF? It’s very irritating to me. I’ll have to check that out tomorrow.

And now it’s after 11 already. *sigh* How does that happen?! Time to sleep, more work in the morning. I think I’m going to have to take a look at my schedule to cut back some hours here and there. Not sure this schedule is sustainable while I’m pregnant. But, then again, there are many times when being busy and occupied is good. I just need to find a good balance.

I think the excitement is starting to eclipse the fear – at least for the moment. Not that I wasn’t excited, but being terrified really kind of impedes just feeling happy. It’s one of the reasons I was so freaking angry. This pregnancy means so much to me, and I want to be able to enjoy it like I did with Devin’s, not just wishing it were over. As much as I will always be waiting for it to be done with, waiting to hold a baby in my arms, I hope I can also just be happy with where I am. It’s so hard to do now. The shadow can seem almost too much to get out from under it.

But the last two days I’ve felt… happy. My little tiny belly paunch is starting to stick out a little more, and even though I know it’s flab and bloating, it reminds me that I am pregnant. Every time I notice it I think, “Oh my god.” There is wonder and joy and thankfulness.

So very thankful. Just like last time. We had to struggle through so much, some really hard failures, to get to where we are now. A lot of bad news without any guarantee of ever getting good news. But we have it now. I do belong to groups online, and of course most of them are not infertiles. Do I still get a little angry at the world that most of them got pregnant in 1-3 cycles when I couldn’t? Yeah. But I think I’m okay with being set apart. When I list our journey people say, “Whoa.” It’s not normal. It’s a hell of a lot harder. But in the end I’m sitting here at 6 weeks pregnant and bawling in joy.

::

I apparently have also been blessed with a lot of understanding people. It shouldn’t surprize me, but it still does sometimes anyways. And I don’t mean my blog readers – you all know my journey – I mean the new groups online, and coworkers and such… the people who don’t really know me.

My online forums haven’t batted an eye at the fact that this is my second child, or said a word about my sig (which has Devin’s picture in it right now). It’s mostly a younger generation on these forums, and it’s quite uplifting to see how accepting and encouraging everyone is. I have had nothing but people rallying around me, supporting me, cheering me on. And one of the coolest things is seeing how my old pregnancy group – one I was a part of with Devin – are cheering me on. Those girls never for one second discounted Devin in any way. I cannot say how much that means to me.

At work I have been pleasantly surprized – I haven’t gotten one comment about relaxing on vacation. And remember how I said one coworker is pregnant too? I was talking to her a bit today, and she said she actually knew she was pregnant back in March, before I left. But she said she was really hoping I would get pregnant, and she didn’t announce her news because I “had enough shit to deal with” and she didn’t want to add to it. I also had another friend online who did the same thing, waiting to announce a pregnancy in the hopes that I would get good news and theirs wouldn’t hurt me. I just think about how very selfless these people are… how they were thinking of me at a time like that.

I am very sorry, however, that many of you have developed some very serious addictions to this blog. ;)

::

Either I didn’t notice last time, or I wasn’t feeling as much last time, but I didn’t realize how much the pregnancy things going on inside feel like impending AF. The spotting (yep, still doing that) makes me paranoid, which makes me notice every. little. thing. People are right, that “heavy,” bloated, achy feeling feels a lot like AF… and yet different. It does make me jump a little bit when I get a cramp of one sort or another. I’ve had some cervix twinges, some ligament pains, some general uterus weird-feeling-things that I assume is stretching.

There are a lot of moments in my day when I forget that I am pregnant. I’ll get busy working on something, then I’ll feel a twinge and startle for a brief second… and then realize, once again, HOLY CRAP, I’m pregnant! And then I get a big dumb smile on my face and forget what I was doing.

Did I mention my boobs hurt? Yeah, my boobs hurt. Not a LOT. Just a little. Except when I try to sleep on them. And then they’re all like, errrrrrr, move over!! Plus they are itchy. I assume from that, and the fact that Den stared at me this morning when I got up and said, “Big boobies!”, that they are growing. Not a ton – no porn star boobs yet or anything. But they’re filling out a little. Yippee! But they are just going to have to get used to being slept on, because I am enjoying every last day I have to sleep on my belly.

My face is getting oilier than normal. I’m going to have to really keep up with that or I’ll break out like crazy. I hope my hormones even out after the first tri, like they did last time!

I’m getting impatient. The first trimester really kind of sucks. You aren’t showing, you can’t feel anything, you can’t check with a doppler, and there are a thousand things to worry about and a high chance of miscarriage. I am really really looking forward to moving past this stage. I want my belly to grow, I want to feel the baby move. I am SO excited to get further into this. It’s slowly sinking in that I could have a belly showing in a few short months. I wonder if it will be the same as I remember it. I wonder if it will be just as amazing.

Somehow I have made it to 6 weeks pregnant – and I’m not even sure how. I think this pregnancy is going to go by a lost faster than the last one, because I am so busy all the time… the weeks just keep flipping by.

I think my lower belly is pudging out slightly more than it was last week. Of course I did have to take this first thing in the morning, because by evening my upper belly is nice and bloated.

So far I’m right on par with last pregnancy’s belly progression. I don’t know if I’ll show sooner or not with this one, I’ll just have to wait and see.

Oh and PS, I’ve added some pages over on the right sidebar menu for this pregnancy, including ultrasounds (nothing yet), doctors visits, and, of course, belly pics. So at any time you can go over and compare see the progression.

When I think of cravings and aversions in pregnancy I usually think first about those cravings that have you driving around town after midnight, or when the sight of something makes you feel sick to your stomach.

I have neither of those.

What I do have is hunger and the vague feeling of what I don’t want. Basically I walk around the kitchen, poking and prodding, and nothing I see or think of sounds appetizing. Or it does sound good, so I heat it up, take one bite, and then say, “Bleh.” This is driving me a little crazy.

One of the recent things I like a lot is cucumber. This is “recent” as in the last several months (so not a pregnancy thing), but I think they’re tasting even better. I want them in my sandwiches. There was some cucumber in my salad the other day and I carefully cut it up and rationed it out so that every bite would have cucumber goodness in it. What else can you eat cucumber with? I need ideas here.

A very recent discovery, so probably pregnancy-related, is that I apparently now like clam chowder. Den had some at dinner the other night (the same dinner I had that salad), and I tried some just because it looked good. And suddenly I wanted some. Then yesterday I stopped somewhere for lunch and they had clam chowder available! I got some and it was really good. This may not sound surprizing to you, however, I do not like clam chowder. Or much seafood at all, for that matter. When I told Den what I had for lunch he stared at me wide-eyed.

For that matter, I still could eat more chowder. Maybe sometime this week we’ll have to go out for soup and salad. (But I still will not be throwing on slippers and going out at midnight for any.)

I just wish I could find some good snack food to keep around the house… you know, something I actually want to eat. This “bleh” thing is irritating.

::

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about Devin, but not in the way you might expect. I always kind of figured that when I got pregnant again it would bring with it a lot of flashbacks, a lot of guilt, a lot of sadness. I’ve heard it enough from other girls, so I just prepared myself for it.

But I don’t feel it. Not yet, at least. This pregnancy, while it has many things in common with Devin’s, feels very different. It started very different. It had a very different journey to get here. I do not wake up thinking I am still pregnant with Devin.

And I think a lot of it is because it’s been over a year since I gave birth to Devin. 13 months of griefwork, 13 months of struggling towards acceptance. It took me a large chunk of that to get there, but at some point I settled into my new normal. It’s almost strange for me to think that soon I will be growing a belly. I am sure it will feel familiar when it happens, but it’s been so long it’s faded into an almost-dream… I remember it, but don’t really remember how it feels. In many ways it feels like I’m experiencing pregnancy for the first time all over again.

But, like I said, I think about him often. Being pregnant reminds me of all the things that I loved (and didn’t love quite as much) about pregnancy. Mostly it reminds me of the joy. When I think about being pregnant what I really remember is that feeling overwhelming joy.

I am so happy that not only am I getting a second chance to experience this, but that my grief has faded enough that this time it is not all about fear. Oh there is a shadow, no doubt – there will always be a lot of fear. But it is not all fear. It is not all memories and reminders and grief. I am able to truly experience this as it is. And the memories that I do have are happy ones.

::

I am very nervous about Wednesday, but I am trying to just stay positive. I am starting to allow myself to get excited about these next 9 months, starting to believe that maybe this will work… that everything is okay in there. That’s the hard part for me. I accept that I am pregnant, the tests say so, as do all the symptoms. But I don’t know what’s going on inside, and it is extremely difficult to just take it on optimism’s sake that everything is doing well in there, that there’s a healthy baby. This damn bleeding is just like this constant daily reminder that, you know, it’s not a given, there could be something very wrong. Without the bleeding it would be much easier to just relax and believe the symptoms.

So I’m waiting for Wednesday. Two and a half more days to go.

Today was not a good day. My back has been a little tight and sore the past week or two, because I was overdue fo rmy appointment with my chiropractor. But this morning I woke up with a stabbing, throbbing pain in my lower back. Pinched nerve. Thankfully my chiro appointment was already scheduled for this morning, so I just had to hang out in bed until then. That was not easy… every position hurt. Side, back, standing, sitting, laying… didn’t matter. The pain was intense. I ended up using my little microwaveable hot pack on my lower back for a short while to try to relieve some of it. At one point, getting food in the kitchen, I bent over as if to touch my toes, just trying ot stretch things out. (It didn’t work.) The appointment revealed I was definitely very very tight… upper and lower back. Her pressing on my sacrum felt so, so good, but I wanted her to keep doing it.

But unfortunately the pain relief was not instantaneous. Luckily I wasn’t at the bank today, but I was sitting at a desk nonetheless, and so spent most of the day feeling very very whiny. I spent some time just laying on the carpetted floor, cats circling and climbing on me, and that actually felt good, especially when I hugged my knees to my chest. (And then I didn’t want to move, because I was tired and a semi-feral cat curled up in my armpit, chin on my arm. I mean, really. How can you move??)

And then, also, today was a bleeding day. I seem to have on days, where I spot all day, and off days where I barely get anything. Well today was an on day, and that combined with my lower back pain – even though I knew they weren’t related – just had me very freaked out and emotional. Like I can only handle one thing at a time.

And then the nausea! I ate a subway flatbread – I love those right now. Very very good. It tasted great – one of few things that actually tastes good right now. However, apparently it was too much for the morning. It sat heavy and I just felt off all day. My stomach was gurgling, I was gassy, I felt pretty gaggy. It’s lovely.

Which reminds me… tonight I read my blog when I got pregnant with Devin… from 4 weeks to 6 weeks. Apparently what I’m dealing with right now, in terms of nausea, is much more similar than I remember. What I remember is the puking, but that didn’t come until later. Before 6-ish weeks it was just… this. Gaggy and indigestion. It’s actually quite interesting reading back… there’s a lot of things I forget, like how scared I was before my ultrasound. For some reason I was thinking I was perfectly confident and happy, but I wasn’t… it wasn’t as perfect and rosy as I think. I had fear even without the previous loss and constant bleeding.

I really wish tomorrow were Wednesday. We’re both just… waiting. I think I’m going to be crying at the ultrasound… no matter what the answer.

Belly ache of unknown location, when combined with the continued bleeding, will lead me to “OMGWTF the end is near!!” I spent the morning panicking completely.

However the “ache” has turned into a very concentrated, bubbly kind of pain just below my belly button and I’m now thinking gas pain, or at least some kind of intestinal issue. Probably pressing against my right ovary (since that is aching, too). It’s definitely not normal cramps. I mean, it could be cramps that I’m not used to… but it doesn’t feel like cramps anymore.

But still. Could my body PLEASE give me a fucking break. I’m not sure how I’m going to make it to tomorrow’s appointment. I may end up having a spectacular mental breakdown before then.