My relationship with food
When I think of cravings and aversions in pregnancy I usually think first about those cravings that have you driving around town after midnight, or when the sight of something makes you feel sick to your stomach.
I have neither of those.
What I do have is hunger and the vague feeling of what I don’t want. Basically I walk around the kitchen, poking and prodding, and nothing I see or think of sounds appetizing. Or it does sound good, so I heat it up, take one bite, and then say, “Bleh.” This is driving me a little crazy.
One of the recent things I like a lot is cucumber. This is “recent” as in the last several months (so not a pregnancy thing), but I think they’re tasting even better. I want them in my sandwiches. There was some cucumber in my salad the other day and I carefully cut it up and rationed it out so that every bite would have cucumber goodness in it. What else can you eat cucumber with? I need ideas here.
A very recent discovery, so probably pregnancy-related, is that I apparently now like clam chowder. Den had some at dinner the other night (the same dinner I had that salad), and I tried some just because it looked good. And suddenly I wanted some. Then yesterday I stopped somewhere for lunch and they had clam chowder available! I got some and it was really good. This may not sound surprizing to you, however, I do not like clam chowder. Or much seafood at all, for that matter. When I told Den what I had for lunch he stared at me wide-eyed.
For that matter, I still could eat more chowder. Maybe sometime this week we’ll have to go out for soup and salad. (But I still will not be throwing on slippers and going out at midnight for any.)
I just wish I could find some good snack food to keep around the house… you know, something I actually want to eat. This “bleh” thing is irritating.
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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about Devin, but not in the way you might expect. I always kind of figured that when I got pregnant again it would bring with it a lot of flashbacks, a lot of guilt, a lot of sadness. I’ve heard it enough from other girls, so I just prepared myself for it.
But I don’t feel it. Not yet, at least. This pregnancy, while it has many things in common with Devin’s, feels very different. It started very different. It had a very different journey to get here. I do not wake up thinking I am still pregnant with Devin.
And I think a lot of it is because it’s been over a year since I gave birth to Devin. 13 months of griefwork, 13 months of struggling towards acceptance. It took me a large chunk of that to get there, but at some point I settled into my new normal. It’s almost strange for me to think that soon I will be growing a belly. I am sure it will feel familiar when it happens, but it’s been so long it’s faded into an almost-dream… I remember it, but don’t really remember how it feels. In many ways it feels like I’m experiencing pregnancy for the first time all over again.
But, like I said, I think about him often. Being pregnant reminds me of all the things that I loved (and didn’t love quite as much) about pregnancy. Mostly it reminds me of the joy. When I think about being pregnant what I really remember is that feeling overwhelming joy.
I am so happy that not only am I getting a second chance to experience this, but that my grief has faded enough that this time it is not all about fear. Oh there is a shadow, no doubt – there will always be a lot of fear. But it is not all fear. It is not all memories and reminders and grief. I am able to truly experience this as it is. And the memories that I do have are happy ones.
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I am very nervous about Wednesday, but I am trying to just stay positive. I am starting to allow myself to get excited about these next 9 months, starting to believe that maybe this will work… that everything is okay in there. That’s the hard part for me. I accept that I am pregnant, the tests say so, as do all the symptoms. But I don’t know what’s going on inside, and it is extremely difficult to just take it on optimism’s sake that everything is doing well in there, that there’s a healthy baby. This damn bleeding is just like this constant daily reminder that, you know, it’s not a given, there could be something very wrong. Without the bleeding it would be much easier to just relax and believe the symptoms.
So I’m waiting for Wednesday. Two and a half more days to go.
Bleeding- GO AWAY- Back off and allow fear to disappear and joy to take over.
Nom nom, clam chowder! Now I totally have a hankering, and I have NO idea if I can get anything passable here. :x
For cucumbers here are some ideas…you can use them like crackers. I like to top them with some cream cheese that I mix with fresh herbs (whatever you like) and munch on the as a snack. In the summer I also make a cold cucumber soup…basically plain yogurt, cucumbers, dill, salt and pepper that you blend in a blender. There are plenty of recipes online. I highly recommend trying the English cucumbers if you haven’t already. They are more expensive, but I love them…especially for just cutting up and eating because you don’t have to peel them and there aren’t as many seeds which help with gas/bloating. The last thing us pregnant women need is anything else that causes bloating! Good luck!
Ick cucumbers. But since you are looking for snacks why not make some cucumber sticks and find a dip that you like and snack on that. That cold cucumber soup has some good ingredients that might help with your cucumber desire as a dipping sauce for crackers or chips or something else. But not sure how the yogurt will go with your dairy allergy.
I’d say try to make your own clam chowder but not sure how available clams are in Mass. Then you could eat it whenever you wanted even at midnight lol.
I wanted to suggest eating cucumbers with a good, tasty dip as Ali suggested. I do this often. Actually, I eat celery and cucumbers with Ranch Dressing dip. YUM! It’s my latest craving.
Natalie,
I have been following your journey since you lost Devin…I came via another blog from someone dealing with infertility. I have commented a few times. I decided long ago to follow your blog until you bring home baby. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
At the time I started reading your blog I was in the process of adopting my daughter. She is our dream come true, and has been home over a year now. After she was home for 7 months we found out we were pregnant with Tadpole, who is now 3 weeks old. He was born 6 weeks early, but perfectly healthy after a very tough pregnancy. He is a miracle baby in so many ways. We tried to get pregnant for around 5 years before we “accidentally got pregnant”–including lots of IUI’s, drugs, IVF, and FETs. There were clear issues with us as to why we couldn’t get pregnant–they are still there, so Tadpole (now Callum) is really a miracle baby. I still can’t believe he’s here. However, we also have our beatiful daughter who we could not imagine our lives without, who might not be with us if we had not struggled for so many years to become parents.
I just want you to know that I am praying for you and this baby. I was so nervous the first trimester of pregnancy with Tadpole. We didn’t even tell anyone until we about 14 weeks along. I can’t imagine with the bleeding and your loss of Devin how it is for you. It sounds like you are doing really as well as you could be, though. I do hope you can enjoy this pregnancy and your miracle baby on the way. I am so excited for you. When I came back home from the hospital with Tadpole, I was so thrilled to see that you were pregnant.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! I am praying for a great ultrasound with a strong heartbeat this week. I look forward to seeing those belly pics every week!
Blessings,
Shannon *Mommy to Emeline and Callum*
Hey Natalie,
I just wanted to tell you what worked for me. I had that never ending hole in my stomach that didn’t quite feel like it wanted food, but it left this burning feeling that needed to be filled. My husband got me a bag of jolly ranchers and I would suck on one whenever, wherever and it has been wonderful for me!!! It is just enough to give me something, but not too much!
Hi Nat,
What a terrific reason to feel so awful!!
I had horrid morning sickness in every pregnancy, it seemed to go from conception to the end – either the ten week mark or delivery… (I had more trouble staying pregnant than falling pregnant). I generally weighed about 15kgs (about 33lbs) less at delivery than when I fell pregnant – seriously sick.
I think the only thing that got me through was ginger – it didn’t matter how I ate it, sipped drinks (ginger beer, ginger ale or even ginger tea) or sucked on Ginger Nut Biscuits (sorry, I don’t know if that translates well to the US).
Apparently ginger is an old herbal remedy for nausea and it wont hurt, which is always the first concern. Any way, it worked for me and we now have children aged 15, 13, 6 & 4 – it must’ve helped or we wouldn’t have kept at it.
Hopefully, it might settle your general ‘unsettledness’.
Good luck for each and every day of the next nine months!
Its just so weird, you are describing exactly how I felt with the food and bleh feeling in the beginning of my pregnancy. You might have yourself a little girl in there!