Trying to find the center of the storm
Today’s HPTs (FRER on the top, Answer on the bottom. The tests may look the same and be made by the same manufacturer, as people say, but the lines on them show up very differently!)
These are the last ones, because they were the only ones left in the house… I do not intend to buy any more!
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My flight back home was something akin to torture. I cannot really tell you why I was so stressed out, but I had this horrible feeling of forboding about flying while pregnant and spotting, like somehow the flight would knock something loose and cause a miscarriage in earnest. For the last few days I’ve had a lot of dread about the actual flights.
Our first flight was a small prop plane, with a lot of noise and a lot of vibration. It was a short flight, thankfully, but I ran to the bathroom afterwards to discover more bright red blood. That seemed to send me into a full-blown panic. I spent the next two flights thinking about my beta and imagining the worst and just feeling sick to my stomach.
The next two flights revealed only leftover spotting during my many checks during our long layovers. Paranoid much?
When we got home I immediately got into my car and drove to the clinic to get my blood drawn. It wasn’t really an immediate necessity for them or the cycle, but it was for my sanity. I needed it now. And I did feel a kind of peace afterwards… like somehow now I had done everything I could and at least I’d be getting the answer soon.
Of course, as I posted, the phone call came and it was a good answer. The actual number left me a little lackluster, though. I felt like I ought to be more relieved, but I’m really not. Now I’m hoping that the next beta and the ultrasound next week are what does the trick, but I’m also fairly certain they won’t solve the problem either. Getting the spotting to stop, however, would go a LONG ways towards restoring my sanity. On the (rare) days that I don’t have any new spotting I actually start to perk up a little and start thinking that maybe I can get excited about this. But, damn, every time I see red I have to remind myself that this could end at any time. I do not want this constant reminder. I am already WELL aware of the risks. Sigh.
But just being home has soothed a frayed corner of me. I know that there is nothing that can be done at this point, no matter where I am – and yet all I could think about was getting home and going into the clinic. Not that they could fix anything, but maybe they could give me some information, maybe they could reassure me. And also I find it’s easy to fall into my old routines at work and forget about the worries, forget that I am pregnant for a little while. It is not a bad thing at this point. Perhaps vacation had too much sitting around doing nothing but fretting.
Regardless, I am home now and with my first beta behind me I am starting to feel a little of the tension ebb from my body. Maybe I will sleep well tonight.
Maybe the spotting will stop. Maybe.
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Good news about the Cherry tree, the tree we planted for Devin: it is not entirely dead, and is budding.
The bad news about the tree is that only one of the remaining three branches is alive and budding. One fucking branch.
To be perfectly honest I don’t even know if it’s worth holding on to. We’ll trim it back and that one branch should become the new trunk, but it will never be the same. This year we will not get a new photo of the tree “growing.” It is deformed and stunted – gone backwards instead of forwards, less instead of more. The whole thing just makes me incredibly angry.
Even if it does keep growing, I’ll never think of it the same way as I did last year. I have cut myself off from it in my mind and heart. It no longer has significance to me. It’s just a damn tree that almost died. Maybe that will change. Maybe it won’t.
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I have mentioned here before about my Oreo girl, my dad’s dog. She is, and always will be, my first baby. She’s nearing 14 years old now. I got her when I was 12. I raised her. I trained her. I loved her. I love her still, even though she lives so far away. I cannot put into words how much of my life has been spent with this dog, how much she has seen me through.
One of the things I’ve always looked forward to is getting a picture of her with my child. When Devin died I was just devastated – I hadn’t gotten a picture of her with me when I was pregnant. I had nothing of the two of them together. And she is getting older, I really don’t know if she will make it to see my next child.
So while I was there I made a point to take some pictures of Oreo with Sheepie.
They are just so perfect.
those are definately darker hunni…great:D
Hi:
I’ve been following your blog for over a year. Your bleeding/spotting may be break-through bleeding from having too low progesterone. Did they test your P4 levels? If not, ask them to do so at your next beta OR simply ask them to increase your progesterone support (a compounding pharmacy should have sub-lingual lozenges) which may reduce the bleeding. I JUST discussed this with my RE yesterday.
Those pictures are just too cute of Oreo.
Those are some dark tests! I honestly think if things weren’t progressing your tests wouldn’t have kept getting darker and your beta be within the normal range.
I’ve wondered about the tree lately, but was afraid to ask in case I hit a nerve *hug*
Gorgeous!
Hi Natalie. I have read your blog from time to time but it has been a while since I visited. I am so happy to read that you are pregnant. You deserve another child so much. I hope that the spotting stops soon and I wish you an uncomplicated pregnancy with as little stress and worry as possible. Congrats!!!
aren’t they cute together???!!!
congrats on the beta!!!
They are gorgeous.
*take care*
I know you’ve heard this plenty of times, but spotting during pregnancy can be completely normal. I spotted with my 2nd and 3rd pregnancies for five weeks each time (from 6 to 11 weeks). I had bleeding behind the placenta that showed up on ultrasound, and the blood gradually lessened. My midwife assured me this happened sometimes and was okay. I did have breakthru bright red blood every few days. I was sure I was having a miscarriage each time – my girls are now 2 and 4! Random question, your website does not show new entries unless I clear my computer’s history. Once I clear it, it shows all the past entries. Know any reason why this would happen?
Gorgeous dark lines! And what a sweet dog Oreo is. Thanks for sharing the pics.
I hope you don’t have to give up on the tree. Some of the most beautiful trees I’ve ever seen lean off to the side, and are completely asymmetrical; stubborn, resilient things that have survived catastrophe, or grown in a crowded wood where they needed to contort as they grew to reach the light.
I wanted to second what Shelly said. Bleeding behind the placenta. Spotted from 4-13 weeks (red, brown, pink) in both of my pregnancies, and I was on progesterone suppositories.
And I have two healthy teenage daughters (that are for sale, but that’s a different story).
I was enormously relieved after I heard a heartbeat. Hang on!
I know it doesn’t help to hear that the spotting is normal. I know of a number of women who spotted on and off through their pregnancies and now have healthy babies. I think it’s because you KNOW too much, you know? You ARE well aware of the risks. Hard to let that all go and be excited. *hug*
Fingers crossed for good rise in the beta and then a good scan. Not much you can do until then but wait, right?
xxxx
Good, clear lines are so reassuring, aren’t they?
I won’t say anything about the spotting that hasn’t already been said. At least your beta is rising and that’s a good sign.
Cute pictures of Oreo and sheepy!
Everything still crossed for you. And that dog is just a love! Makes me miss big wet sloppy doggie kisses! :) (allergic *sigh*)
Can I say the photos of Oreo & Sheepie brought tears to my eyes??
I hope the spotting stops soon. (((hugs)))
Okay, lurker here. I am so happy for you, you don’t even know. Your numbers and lines are BEAUTIFUL. Enjoy these 9 months because you are going to have a BABY!
*sniff* those pictures of Oreo and Sheepie are so sweet! And those HPT’s, very very very nice!
Tree’s can take quite a beating and still survive..
I planted a sapling and ran over it with a lawnmower and it came back stronger and better.
We planted 2 tree’s to celebrate our wedding and they took quite a beating the 1st year with a bad ice storm, but they came back. Even our OLD pecan tree we thought would have to go, but it came back SLOWLY but keeps living.
Give your lil tree a chance to grow n survive..It might not be the prettiest, but give it a chance to grow !!
Those HPTs are definately darker! That’s great. I love the pics of Oreo with Sheepie.
I love Oreo’s sweet face. I just want to give her a kiss! The picture of her and Lambie is perfect!