The spotting continues. It has become almost comical. (I said almost.)

The thing is, when someone says “spotting” they usually describe a tiny spot seen only on toilet paper when wiping. My spotting? Blood spot the size of a walnut on my panty liner. And bright red. You can understand the panic attacks this induced.

The last two days the spotting has gotten less and much lighter – more CM, less actual blood. They’re always very watery. And they always stop. One spot, stop. One spot, streaking, stop. At this point I kind of expect to see something and blink in surprize when my panty liner is clean. “Ah ha!” I say, “But you’re not tricking me into thinking you’re gone!”

I’ve been trying to figure out what the pattern is. The nurse thinks it’s just an irritated cervix, but I can’t help but think if that’s the case, wouldn’t the spotting happen after I put progesterone in? But it’s not. And the more I thought about it, the more it seemed to me that the spotting happened just before I put a new dose in. I take three pills a day, spaced evenly every 8-ish hours. So it seemed a little odd when I looked at my notes and saw that the big spots came at the end of those 8 hour periods, in the last hours before my next dose. So I called and asked if they could test my progesterone tomorrow along with my hcg.

Unfortunately the nurse told me that the suppositories work very locally, they absorb through the vagina into the uterus area… they don’t really have a systemic effect. So a blood test won’t really show the true situation with the progesterone. (If it were the IM progesterone, however, then it would definitely be in my entire system, and a blood test would be accurate.) This does explain why they haven’t run any progesterone checks. *sigh* So now I’m wondering… does that mean while on suppositories you’re guaranteed to have enough progesterone in your system and I shouldn’t worry about it? My idea is that maybe I could take more suppositories through the day… take 4 a day instead of 3. If the spotten lessens, then maybe that was the problem. If it doesn’t, then probably not. I’m going to mention it to the nurse tomorrow. I mean, hell, why not, right?

But the thing is, the nurses don’t seem too concerned. She actually told me today that not only is spotting in IVF pregnancies common, but she sees more with spotting than without. So they seem to be treating this as a totally normal occurrence with no bad implications, and not as something worrisome that needs to be treated. I’m not really sure if that’s better or worse. (Better, because if they’re not concerned then it’s probably all okay in there; worse because they’re not really trying to even figure out what the problem is!)

It’s all very confusing. This is exactly the same dosage I was on for my first pregnancy, which had zero spotting whatsoever, which lends itself to the thought that this is not low progesterone (which you would think would be a recurring problem), but something else. Then again, my body has changed significantly since my first pregnancy, so maybe that’s not a good way to judge it.

Easy answer: take 4/day and stop overthinking it. Maybe all those success stories you guys are giving me are working… it’s starting to feel a little less scary. (But only a little.)

::

Today was an interesting day for me. First day back at work. No one asked me for news, so I thought, well, maybe I’ll just keep it to myself until tomorrow when I have the next beta results. But finally someone asked me and I told her the news. Everyone was very excited for me, even though I myself couldn’t work up a whole lot of excitement yet.

They said that they are really relieved – and you could see tension seep out from their shoulders – because a coworker is pregnant too. Just found out while I was gone. And I guess they’ve spent the last week worrying about how on earth to tell me if I came back with bad news. Notice that I had been there half the day before I told my news, and no one said a PEEP about the coworker. They were all chittering to themselves asking if I’d said anything yet, too nervous to ask. It was really sweet. I’m not sure I’ve heard of a place of employment being so sensitive to the emotions of an infertile before! It makes me really glad that I’ve been open with them all about my journey, and that I shared my news with them today.

Regardless, I don’t know how I feel about the coworker being pregnant. One of my first thoughts was the worry, what if I lose this baby and she has hers? I think that would be the end of it there. I do not see me being able to work alongside someone getting big and pregnant after I lost mine. (And also, it’s rather sad that I spent part of my day mentally constructing plans for this contingency… that I even think that way.) I think there is the potential for this to be a good thing… but right now I’m just too worried about how it could be a Bad Thing.

And I admit… I’m a little bit sad and frustrated because it is My Turn and I don’t want to share. Not just because of the fears, but because damnit I want to be the pregnant one. I’m apparently in the middle of a huge baby boom, and that irritates me… as if that causes people to overlook how freaking special this pregnancy is. Silly? Probably. But I’m allowed to feel selfish once in a while. (I’ll get over it. … Maybe.)

::

Beta in the morning. Nervous? Hell yes. Always the worry. But, my body says pregnant.

I am gassy as all hell. Oh dear, I’m not sure how this is going to go, working with other people and all. Not good.

Today I had a lot of stomach tenderness… the ligaments pulling and stretching. It kind of made me smile, actually. Maybe I had these in my first pregnancy and just didn’t recognize them… but I sure do now. It’s a comforting, familiar feeling.

I actually felt my stomach itself be a little weird several times today… apparently an empty stomach makes me feel a little not good. Not puke-worthy or anything (yet), but definitely there is an uncomfortable hollowness that makes me feel a bit sick. I noted how different this is from Devin’s pregnancy… I guess this is why they call it morning sickness, since that’s when your stomach tends to be empty. With Devin it wasn’t this empty-triggered thing. I just felt like puking. Randomly. Without warning, with no trigger. (At least, that’s how I remember it.) I felt sick when I was hungry, sick when I was full, sick when I was eating. It was kind of a no-win situation all the way around, that one. Hopefully if this one progresses like this I can manage it by eating appropriately. That would be nice.

Then there’s the lightness in my head I get once in a while when I stand up suddenly or turn the wrong way. Again, not very pronounced, but enough that my vision blurs very slightly.

Oh… and the moods. I know part of it is the stress… maybe more than a part of it. I’m a little bit short-tempered lately… about everything. I was telling Den it’s like I have this bitchy little hen sitting in my head, bitching bitching bitching about every little thing. Pleasant words come out of my mouth and I smile politely, but that voice in my head just keeps yapping on, snarking about every. little. thing. I’m working to keep it under control and not snap at people for no reason. Cause that would be bad. (And Den even said tonight that he hadn’t noticed me being snarkier than usual with him. Yay, success! He’s usually the first to notice…. and, erhm, the first to recieve.)

So yeah, my body is pretty happily chugging along here, still pregnant.