So my instructions on my voicemail from the nurses are to drop my dose of follistim down to 75iu and come back Sunday morning. I asked the nurse why they decided to drop me down, and she mentioned that my E2 had taken a big jump and they want to play conservative, take it slow to make sure my big group of follicles grows together, and not risk OHSS. But when I plugged my E2 numbers into my little graph the numbers from last cycle and this cycle are almost identical. So on one hand I’m seeing us diverge now from the path we took last time and I am very very nervous.

I know in many ways last cycle was certainly not ideal – and that’s something I need to keep reminding myself of – but it worked right? I am very very leery of messing around with anything. I’m of the mind to just follow exactly the same route, that it will get me back to the same place: pregnant.

However there are some major flaws with that method of thinking. My body is not the same as it was. And there are always going to be fluctuations every cycle – environmental, physical, or fluke… nothing is ever the same twice. This is particularly obvious when you look at how many follicles I have this time. This was exactly the same protocol as last time up until today, but the ultrasound shows a different picture.

I know I need to trust them – they’ve done this a million times and certainly know how better to tweak dosages than I do. The nurses at my clinic really are fabulous and I love them. I’m just… scared. Scared that by diverging from the path we are taking a wrong turn. But if we never diverge we will never have the chance at anything better. Maybe this is what we need to do to get more than one embryo.

For right now all I can do is wait and see. I go in Sunday morning.

I’ve been on stims for five days now and this morning I went for an ultrasound to check progress. They don’t have to monitor me too closely, since I’m on the same protocol as last time.

Today’s result: right ovary has 16 total follicles, all 10 or 11mm. My left ovary – which I’ve been feeling twinging – is squashed by my bowel and has 10 total, 6 of which are around 10mm. I think – and don’t quote me on this – but I think this is a little more in number than last time.

However, my ovaries seem to be a day behind my last cycle, putting retrival at possibly wednesday, instead of my estimated tuesday. Which is good for my eggs, slow and steady is healthier and happier, but bad for my work schedule. I may need to take two days off work instead of just one. But whatever. I feel bad for calling out, but there’s really nothing I can do about it!

They will call me later today with my instructions, but they said I’ll probably go back in on sunday morning to see where they’re sitting.

The nurses agreed with me that the goal of this cycle is to get me one really good embryo. But she added, “One for the freezer would be really nice!” And the did mention the early trigger to let them cook a little longer – it’s reassuring to know they haven’t forgotten about that (since it’s a very unusual thing to do!) I really like the nurses. They take good care of me.

If retrival is wednesday my due date would be Sept 2. If if’s thursday it would be Sept 3. My birthday is Sept 3.

Yesterday I was flipping through old blog entries from IVF#1, remembering that first cycle and how long it’s been. Then I came across this nugget: “we’re to start the doxycyclin (antibiotics) today and take them twice a day for 7 days. And I was reminded to take it with food or it will upset my stomach.” The flickering lightbulb in my head suddenly sprung to life and whacked me between the eyes.

Know what I did Monday morning before driving to Costco on an empty stomach? Yeah. Antibiotic. Ouch.

So this morning I made sure to eat a nice peanut bar before taking the pill, then went on about my day. And lookie there, no morning sickness.

I can be such a moron.

::

After we lost Devin I got many thoughtful gifts from people. Included in those were two gift cards to a local spa. I used one a couple months later, for a hot stone massage. (It was interesting.) I’ve been holding on to the other for a rainy day.

What better time to use it than during an IVF cycle? So that is what I shall do. Now the question is: facial, or massage? I’ve done a massage before, so I’d be interested to try a facial… but I think a massage would be more relaxing, and that is what I need right now!

Maybe I can schedule something for the day of transfer. That would be ideal.

::

One week to retrieval; two days until my next monitoring ultrasound; 4 days of stims already done. I feel so frickin’ good to finally be in the middle of this. Yes, I am very very eager for this part to be over with, but I feel like a child with my hands shoved in a mud pie. It feels good to let that mud slide through my fingers. It feels real. I’m not just standing at the side watching anymore.

::

I’m trying to ice my belly as long as possible before my injections, to help prevent stinging. But then afterwards it’s not only cold, but it feels sluggish… like I need to rub my belly to get everything mixing and moving again. So I’ve taken to putting a heating pad on my belly after the injection. It helps me feel all warm and toasty inside.

Last night after my injection I went to bed to relax. There I was, reclined up against my pillows in bed, laptop on my lap, heating pad under the covers on my belly. It felt so very reminiscent. The warmth, the weight, the bump of the sheets… it made me think of my time spent here with Devin.

So I pulled up the videos – the ones of me laying here, belly exposed, watching things jiggle and push underneath my skin. I teared up watching them again, even though I’ve watched them many times before. There is one moment where I press down and he pushes back, and I remember how I could feel his little foot beneath my fingers. I remember.

When I took them I knew these videos would be a neat keepsake. I had no idea how very special they would become. This is the only thing we have of Devin alive, moving. We have photos, which of course a treasure… but this video shows him moving. Alive in my womb. I touched him, I felt his little foot. I never got to feel it on the outside, never got to see how his rolls and kicks looked like. But at least I had something. At least I have this memory that lives not only in my head, but on video for all to see.

My belly still feels so empty. It’s hard to believe that it will ever feel full again.

Because Kel tagged me.

Link to the person who tagged you.
Post the rules on your blog.
Write 6 random things about yourself.
Tag 6-ish people at the end of your post.
Let each person know he/she has been tagged.
Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

1. I used to be a singer. I was in a group that played… ukuleles. Yes. We were actually quite professional, we travelled to hawai’i every year (I went four times), produced several CDs. But… I hated it. I’m not meant to be a professional performer.

2. I have a scar at the corner of my right eye. When I was little I fell off the couch into the corner of our coffee table, gashed myself pretty good. I’m damn lucky it missed my eye. Den happens to have the same scar on the opposite eye… same reason.

3. I was a very outgoing child. Because of that my parents opted not to put me in preschool. My brother was very anti-social, so he went to preschool. And in the end both of us are pretty much the same when it come to relating to others, though I have a couple more years experience than he does, obviously.

4. Up until grade 5 I absolutely hated math. I can’t do anything in my head… multiplication, addition, nothing. So all those times tables drills? They freaking SUCKED. But then in grade 5 we started long division and I loved it! In highschool I got the highest score in the school for the math contests several different years. I love math…. as long as I can write things down and use a calculator. But trig? Algebra? My FAVORITES. Just don’t ask me what 8×6 is. Just don’t. I’ll cry.

5. Before I decided to be a computer programmer I was leaning towards pursuing architecture. I took several drafting courses in high school… I really love CAD. When I was younger I used to spend hours looking through the large books of house plans that my aunt always had laying around. I kept a large stash of graph paper and would carefully design houses to scale. It was my “thing.” I still do enjoy doing it, but when you’re dealing with the constraints of a real house (can’t move the foundation) and money (can’t spend much money) and a husband (he doesn’t like this or that) it is a LOT more frustrating.

6. I started programming very young… must have been when I was 11 or 12. I got this little “computer” game thingie, and one of its “games” was BASIC. It had a little instruction booklet about how to code it to do things: prompt you for answers, string them together, make decisions, spit out answers. It was so cool! Unfortunately the computer did not have a memory you could save to, so that killed my desire pretty quick. If I had been able to save what I was doing I probably would have created something crazy.

And, all my readers are tagged. I just don’t do the tagging thing. (Sorry. Or you’re welcome… which ever.)

So apparently I have morning sickness. Wait… what?? I’m not pregnant yet! How can I have morning sickness?? I have no clue, and yet… here I am, feeling nauseated as all hell.

Yesterday morning I cooked a big omelette for breakfast. Den got a large half, I got a small half. I took one bite… and immediately felt very ill. I actually ended up throwing up the one bite. I didn’t feel like eating much until a few hours later. But me and eggs, we don’t always get along, so I shrugged it off.

This morning I didn’t eat breakfast at all. I was driving to Costco to pick up the order for work, and I just felt so nauseated. Like I had to heave really, really bad. But I was in the truck. So I just focussed on breathing through my nose, taking big gulps of air when I had to. When I pulled into the parking lot I pushed the door open, fell out, and immediately started dry heaving. For like two minutes.

So I ask you – what the fuck was that?? Is it a coincidence that this started the day after I started stims? Is my mind playing games with me? But if that were the case, why on earth would I be “tricking” myself into morning sickness before retrieval? That sounds completely non-sensical. Last pregnancy I didn’t get sick until I was 6 weeks pregnant, and I certainly didn’t expect anything different. This is so weird.

::

This morning I was thinking about how it’s been a year and a half since my last IVF. It’s really hanging over my head. I mean… holy crap. This weekend will mark 9 months since we lost Devin. That’s an entire pregnancy length. How did that go so fast? I have now been not-pregnant for as long as I was pregnant, and that seems significant somehow.

I really hope this cycle works, for so many reasons. The timing just seems right. Not that I believe in signs anymore (ha, yeah right), but it all just seems right. Meaningful. 9 months in, 9 months out, 9 months in. I’m ready to take this on again. I’ve been ready.

I just hope this is my time again, that I don’t have to wait any longer. In a little over a week we should have an embryo. And that is definitely significant, knowing how few embryos I’ve ever been able to create.

Hope. That damnable, blessed thing. Hope.

I just lost my whole goddamn post. I am pissed off.

I got to the clinic before the lab even opened, just so I could be the first one in and out. It was not to be: my lab slip wasn’t there and I had to wait for a nurse to arrive to get it all set for me. Good thing I had my blackberry to putter around on while I waited, instead of staring blankly at the wall.

I got my blood drawn and was immediately called back to an ultrasound room. Mental note to self: being called back immediately does not guarantee you will be seen immediately. Do not leave blackberry/reading material on other side of room when you are pantsless on an exam table. I knew that the very moment I got up to grab something would be the moment that someone walked in, so I stayed put, swinging my legs, reading the posters about the uterus and ovaries, and adjusting the paper “sheet” that floated ethereally around my legs.

When the ultrasound tech came into scan me I realized how different the person I am today is from the person I was a year and a half ago. Today I watched carefully, guardedly. What is that on the screen? Why is she measuring that? Is that bad? Are they going to cancel my cycle?? Don’t tell me that. Then she said, “Everything looks good!” Lining is nice and thin, lots of antral follicles in my quiet little ovaries.

My meds were delivered to my house today while I was at work. (I actually got an email notification on my blackberry from UPS that it was delivered – so I was able to text hubby, who was down in the basement watching sports loudly, to ask him to go upstairs and bring it in.) So tonight I pulled out one of everything and… then promptly forgot what to do next. I had to go digging through my papers to refresh my memory with the written instructions.

I keep getting tripped up by things that are different now. I forget that it really has been a year and a half since I last cycled. I go to the lab and inform them I’m IVF, because on the weekends the clinic used to fax down the paperwork to the lab, and they look at me like I have two heads and say I need to go get my lab slip. I walk into the office and say I need a lab slip and I am informed that I must sign the clipboard, but it’s a different sticker than before and I get confused. The forms to fill out for surgery, and even the consents, are different. I just want to keep saying in exaspiration, “But that’s not how you did it before!”

I find it really hard to trust that this is happening now. I’m excited, and yet I keep waiting for something to go wrong. Again.

Thanksgiving for me doesn’t really mean much. It was always my least favorite holiday and not really looked forward to (being a very picky eater is a big detriment on big family holidays, just to let you know), so I never had any images of Devin on his first Thanksgiving or what we would be doing or where we would be. So for that I was thankful, that made it an easy enough day. The hardest part, for me, was that I kept thinking back to last thanksgiving: that was the day that SIL announced she was pregnant, the first day that she and I were publically pregnant together. I remember exactly what shirt I was wearing that day.

For me, it is not BabyH herself that makes things difficult. I love her to pieces, I love being the special aunt and getting big smiles from her. I love how she fits in my arms and how she stands on my lap. But what I don’t like is watching other people fawn over her. Obviously it’s going to happen, especially at holidays where there is a gathering of family. I generally just wander off when it starts getting to me. I am happy that for the meal yesterday there were only 6 of us adults. There wasn’t much fawning.

All in all I say the holiday passed as good as could be expected. I really enjoyed having a day off work – what a novelty!! A whole day off in the middle of the week. Too awesome. (What was not awesome was my dog not writing in her calendar that it was a holiday. 6:00am pee runs in the freezing cold when I could be sleeping in is just so WRONG.)

I do not expect Christmas to pass by so easily. I am already very torn over it all… a part of me is so thrilled to see Christmas lights out on peoples’ houses, but at the same time I find myself quickly changing the channels when Christmas music comes on. Maybe because it’s not yet December. I want to be happy and joyful, but I don’t know if I can do that this year. So I guess I’m just trying to postpone finding out how bad it will be. I’ll happily live in ignorance for now, and deal with the big hurdle later.

I finally got my christmas present (a working version, that is): my blackberry arrived! I spent a good chunk of yesterday playing with it. I love it to death. I am very happy with my choice to get the Curve over the Pearl… I adore the full keyboard and will never go back. This was definitely worth upgrading for. I spent some time this evening making mobile web versions of some little web pages of mine so I can check things quickly and easily from my blackberry without wading through crap. It’s certainly a very different way of viewing web sites!

Yesterday evening as we were going to bed I glanced at the clock. “It’s time for my injection, I guess,” I observed to my husband. “I feel like I shouldn’t even bother.”

Today on my lunch break I immediately called the insurance company. I sat on hold for half an hour, waiting to speak to someone. I practiced my deep breathing.

The guy who answered the phone put me on hold to find out the status of my authorization. He came back and said, “Ms. St. Jean, that authorization’s status is pending.” Frustrated tears welled up in my eyes. Tomorrow is a holiday, I need my meds Friday. “Well,” he said to me, “It can take up to 15 days for these things.”

I called the IVF insurance coordinator, maybe should could help. Her voice mail said she is out of the office from the 25th to the 28th. I hung up without leaving a message. I called and left a message for the nurses instead. My words were flat. “I don’t know what else to do,” I said, holding back tears as I paced in the small break room. I guess that’s it, said the voice in my head. That’s the end of it.

I helped customers the next three hours. I kept my phone close by – on vibrate so no one else would notice, but hopefully I would be able to take a break and catch it. In between customers I just sat and stared blankly at the wall. Maybe the universe is just telling me that I’m not meant to have children. This is just too much. And yeah, happy fucking Thanksgiving.

At around 3pm I returned to my seat after filing some paperwork and checked my phone, as had become habit. There was a message. I cursed to myself – it figures, it rung in the 60 seconds I was 10 feet away. I hastily excused myself to my co-workers and ran into the back to listen to my message. I didn’t even notice if there were customers waiting.

“Hi Natalie!” the nurse greeted me perkily on the voicemail. “I called your insurance and spoke with so-and-so from Authorizations and she’s approved one cycle. She gave me the authorization number. So you should be all set to order your medications. Friday’s really busy, so why don’t you come in Saturday morning for your baseline if that works for you?”

Did your breath just catch too? I clutched the phone and danced around and called Den to blurt out, “I’m approved for one cycle!!” Then I had to quickly run back to my desk and pretend nothing strange had just happened.

The nurse did say that they haven’t figured out if ICSI is approved yet, but my first thought was “Who cares??” They have two weeks to figure that one out. And if they don’t it’s not the end of the world – I’m not entirely convinced ICSI is needed anyways (but it’s an aweful nice safety net when you only have one good embryo).

I feel really quite… exhausted. Den was a little perplexed when I arrived home with a very short attitude about me. “But it’s good news!” he said. “It’s happy! Yay!” And, it is. Trust me, it is, I’m relieved and happy and so many things. But… I think I’ve been kicked too many times. I’m a bit bruised. I’m a bit pissed off at having just been through the wringer for all of this. And I’m not feeling all that trusting that this is going to work out still. I’m peering around corners wondering what else is coming for me.

But as of now my baseline is set for Saturday morning, and I’ll start stims that evening. My period is just getting started now, so as far as timing goes it’s about perfect.

By the skin of my teeth, people. By the skin of my teeth.

I get annoyed when I view my blog. I do like that quote I have up there, I do – but it should be a ticker there. On some forums I do have a ticker for Devin, but for whatever reason it doesn’t feel right to put it here. That spot is waiting for a pregnancy ticker.

::

The news from insurance today is: still pending. The woman even put me on hold to call the department that handles that type of pre-authorizations, but all they could or would tell her is that it was “pending” and someone is “working on it right now.” Which could mean anything from someone really is working on it right now and I’ll get an answer tomorrow, to it’s sitting in a cubby above someone’s desk and they’ll maybe look at it later.

My heart pounds every time I call the insurance line (and then sit through the million prompts, and listen to elevator music while I’m on hold). I really try not to think about how tight things are getting, but when I’m sitting on the line hoping for an answer it grips me.

On the good side of things today, my period did not arrive two days early. I’m spotting more heavily than before, which really made me fear the worst. I held my breath every time I went to the bathroom. But it’s just spotting, no flow yet, so I can breathe for another day. If she comes tomorrow I should be within the safe zone… assuming insurance comes through.

Thursday is a holiday, I doubt anyone is going to be working on pre-authorizations, which means they have to give me approval tomorrow or I’m up shit creek. There is nothing more I can do, and that terrifies me. I hate this being out of my control. I hate that filing the pre-auth was two days late – those two days may cost me this cycle, and how fucking angry would I be if that happened.

For now I’m really trying to just run on the assumption that it’s going to work out and I’ll be starting stims on friday. I think I kind of have to make that assumption, or it’s not going to be pretty.

I spend my time thinking about the house and how we can move things around and fix things up – what we can do long-term and short-term. That calms me down. It’s a nice distraction… and currently the vision is a hell of a lot more dependable than future babies.

Completing renovations on our house (if any of our renovations could be said to be complete – I do not believe that is ever possible) is a hard thing for me, because I see it all through three lenses: how it is now, how it should have been, and how it hopefully will be in the future. Our basement project was started in expectation of Devin, the men working away as my due date drew closer and I, large and pregant, would saunter in to survey and worry that it would not be done in time.

It wasn’t, of course. It was behind schedule and Devin died a month before we expected him to arrive. And then it all stopped. It sat, untouched, for months, and then they would work on it for a day or two with long breaks in between. The urgency was gone. The reason for it was gone. But still they worked to finish what they started, in hopes – maybe even expectation – of it being used as intended someday.

Slowly it comes together, looking more like a room than a basement. I sit on my new couch and watch TV and feel decidedly pleased at what we all have accomplished, turning cold concrete and empty beams into something comfortable and warm. But at the same time I look at it sadly. We chose carpet because it would be soft on Devin’s hands and knees. We bought a new couch because the old one was too dirty for Devin to play on. And the room itself, the project itself, was necessary so Devin could have the second bedroom as his own. It was all for him – I worried that he would be here and it would not, but instead it is here and he is gone.

Today my husband moved his computer and desk down to the new basement room. Our second bedroom, Devin’s bedroom, is being cleared out. At least while Den was still in there it felt like his room, not Devin’s. His stuff didn’t leave much space for thinking. But now that it is half-empty, and on its way to being cleared out completely, it is just empty space. We talk idley about using it as a library, but anything we do will just be until we can use it for our next child. It feels like this room is a physical manifestation of the limbo that we sit in. It is waiting, as are we.

Our basement room now:

We still have a corner fireplace to install (beside the couch), a couple ceiling tiles to put up and, when winter is over, a new window and door.

For contrast, this is the room right when they started (after a very thorough tossing of all the junk that was left there by previous owners), from the same views: