An un-pregnant pregnancy
So apparently I have morning sickness. Wait… what?? I’m not pregnant yet! How can I have morning sickness?? I have no clue, and yet… here I am, feeling nauseated as all hell.
Yesterday morning I cooked a big omelette for breakfast. Den got a large half, I got a small half. I took one bite… and immediately felt very ill. I actually ended up throwing up the one bite. I didn’t feel like eating much until a few hours later. But me and eggs, we don’t always get along, so I shrugged it off.
This morning I didn’t eat breakfast at all. I was driving to Costco to pick up the order for work, and I just felt so nauseated. Like I had to heave really, really bad. But I was in the truck. So I just focussed on breathing through my nose, taking big gulps of air when I had to. When I pulled into the parking lot I pushed the door open, fell out, and immediately started dry heaving. For like two minutes.
So I ask you – what the fuck was that?? Is it a coincidence that this started the day after I started stims? Is my mind playing games with me? But if that were the case, why on earth would I be “tricking” myself into morning sickness before retrieval? That sounds completely non-sensical. Last pregnancy I didn’t get sick until I was 6 weeks pregnant, and I certainly didn’t expect anything different. This is so weird.
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This morning I was thinking about how it’s been a year and a half since my last IVF. It’s really hanging over my head. I mean… holy crap. This weekend will mark 9 months since we lost Devin. That’s an entire pregnancy length. How did that go so fast? I have now been not-pregnant for as long as I was pregnant, and that seems significant somehow.
I really hope this cycle works, for so many reasons. The timing just seems right. Not that I believe in signs anymore (ha, yeah right), but it all just seems right. Meaningful. 9 months in, 9 months out, 9 months in. I’m ready to take this on again. I’ve been ready.
I just hope this is my time again, that I don’t have to wait any longer. In a little over a week we should have an embryo. And that is definitely significant, knowing how few embryos I’ve ever been able to create.
Hope. That damnable, blessed thing. Hope.
I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for a week or two now … and I don’t think I’ll be letting it out any time soon. Just tell your body to give up that morning sickness junk though, you’ll have enough of that in a couple months!!
Every day brings you closer to your baby. Every day. I’ll be visualizing your embryo, nice and sticky. Maybe our babies can have a play date in a year from now.
Kel, I’m not certain I’ll ever really breathe again. LOL Maybe the allergies are just a manifestation of this emotional breath-holding. ;)
Lisa, that would be awesome. My fingers are crossed for you.
I have lots of hope for you. I know what a BFN cycle means to so many of us and I HAVE to have hope that we will not all be heartbroken crying messes of women on Christmas morning and beyond. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you.
My fingers are crossed that your IVF cycle is a success. I know this has been a long and terrible journey for you – I pray that your BFP is right around the corner. Best of luck!
seems like your body is giving you a feel for whats ahead huh? tell it to quit it! i hope you get that bfp soon enough…2-3 more weeks to go?
I felt the exact same way after having my stillborn girl – I was ready at nine months time. I felt my body had the rest of not being pregnant for a long as I had been pregnant. Hoping only great things for you this cycle.