I get annoyed when I view my blog. I do like that quote I have up there, I do – but it should be a ticker there. On some forums I do have a ticker for Devin, but for whatever reason it doesn’t feel right to put it here. That spot is waiting for a pregnancy ticker.

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The news from insurance today is: still pending. The woman even put me on hold to call the department that handles that type of pre-authorizations, but all they could or would tell her is that it was “pending” and someone is “working on it right now.” Which could mean anything from someone really is working on it right now and I’ll get an answer tomorrow, to it’s sitting in a cubby above someone’s desk and they’ll maybe look at it later.

My heart pounds every time I call the insurance line (and then sit through the million prompts, and listen to elevator music while I’m on hold). I really try not to think about how tight things are getting, but when I’m sitting on the line hoping for an answer it grips me.

On the good side of things today, my period did not arrive two days early. I’m spotting more heavily than before, which really made me fear the worst. I held my breath every time I went to the bathroom. But it’s just spotting, no flow yet, so I can breathe for another day. If she comes tomorrow I should be within the safe zone… assuming insurance comes through.

Thursday is a holiday, I doubt anyone is going to be working on pre-authorizations, which means they have to give me approval tomorrow or I’m up shit creek. There is nothing more I can do, and that terrifies me. I hate this being out of my control. I hate that filing the pre-auth was two days late – those two days may cost me this cycle, and how fucking angry would I be if that happened.

For now I’m really trying to just run on the assumption that it’s going to work out and I’ll be starting stims on friday. I think I kind of have to make that assumption, or it’s not going to be pretty.

I spend my time thinking about the house and how we can move things around and fix things up – what we can do long-term and short-term. That calms me down. It’s a nice distraction… and currently the vision is a hell of a lot more dependable than future babies.