The nurse left it up to me. Stop taking pills and get a period to re-start the IVF clock – if I want to. Of course there is last-minute panic floating around in my head and my heart.

But I go back to one thing: when I made that call and told them I wanted to get a period and start again I felt relieved. It’s probably all just weirdness in my head, but there is something that is telling me that this is the right thing to do, for my body and my mind. It’s only a 2 week delay, and right now that doesn’t feel like that long. Maybe my brain needs more time to adjust. Maybe my heart just isn’t happy with the timing of this whole thing. Maybe I know that my body just needs to hit the reset button. I don’t know. Probably pieces of everything all jumbled up together.

::

I have been behind on everything lately, and feeling really bad about it. I am a member of several forums, and during some of my boring weekends I read a lot of blogs and added them to my blog list. And now of course I have gotten several jobs for my freelancing, add that to my two part-time jobs, and I have no time! So yesterday I had to really re-think my spare time and cut back significantly. I am sorry I cannot visit everyone who visits here, know that I try.

I thought about how I am stretching myself so thin – I was speed-reading many blogs and forums without posting much. I thought to myself, is that what I want? No. What I want is to build meaningful relationships. That cannot be done with drivebys. So I have decided to try to actually keep up with my friends, even if that means I can pop over to less people. I want to make new friends, not just random aquaintances. You know?

So I’m sorry. Sorry to those that I have not been keeping up with lately, and sorry to those whom I will be unable to really get to know while I am so busy. But know that I think of all of you, and truly appreciate all of you. Even if you don’t post much at all. I understand. I really do.

::

Still moving ahead with house plans, though now that the general ideas are sketched out I have moved on to trying to budget for these things. Not as easy as one would hope, especially given that many of these projects involve things like plumbing. What I know about plumbing extends slightly past the knowledge that they use pipes for things. That makes it very difficult to estimate costs. So I am currently trying to get in contact with some people we have used in the past to just give us a rough estimate of how much we’re looking at so I know how much we need to save, and thus when we’ll be doing these things.

There are a lot of projects in the wings for this house, and thankfully some of them are not connected. The addition is the biggest thing, obviously – and is also probably the last one on the list, depending. The rest of the list consists of: replacing and moving the front door to the breezeway, which also needs to have the walls replaced; relocating the staircase-from-hell so that it no longer is an injury waiting to happen; adding a bathroom and laundry room to the unfinished half of the basement; and of course renovating the kitchen with new cabinets, countertop, and moving everything around. By the time we are done this house will be completley unrecognizable. Which is precisely what I wanted.

I still have no clue how we’re going to pay for all of this, but my freelancing work will come in handy, for sure. I would really love to not have to finance all of it! At least, with us doing most of the work ourselves, we save ourselves a ton of money. If only we weren’t so lazy we’d have more done after… how many years of living here?

Plans. I’ve got plans. I just hope we can actually follow through.

So it’s looking like my cycle will not go as planned… I missed two pills friday and saturday. You wouln’t think that would be a huge problem, I got right back on track after that. But no, not my body. It spotted a little bit for two days, got a little heavier yesterday, and it’s getting to the point where I can call it a light flow.

I just left a message for the nurses asking if I can stop the pills to get a period and re-start the cycle. This is just not working. I don’t even mind pushing my cycle back a couple weeks. I think I’m a little relieved for a short breather.

So we shall see what they have to say.

Exhausted.

It seems I haven’t left myself enough time to write much lately. I have been very busy with my work, and I’m not getting good sleep. But a good part of my lack of free time is because of my obsession with the house plans. Oh yes, it is a full blown obsession. I come home full of ideas and sit down to sketch them before I even get food. I’m half hoping this goes away… and half not, since it’s giving me something to do and think about other than the IVF/baby stuff.

The doctor let me know what he wants to do this next time: all hMG (Menopur), no FSH (Follistim). They’re starting me on 3 vials (225iu) of Menopur a day, and having me come in after 3 days to see how it’s going. I have to say I am really nervous about changing things in a big way like that. But of course my friends point out that this could be the change that makes a difference. I just really hate gambling.

The estimate for things is to start Lupron on the 14th, with retrieval and transfer in the first week of February.

I’ve been on the pill since I started my period, but Friday and Saturday I missed taking them. I’ve been spotting pretty heavily ever since, and it seems to not be getting lighter. I’m getting really frustrated and irritated by it – this was supposed to be my month without wearing pads. The nurse said that spotting after missing some is normal and to just keep taking my pills, but I’m seriously considering stopping the pills for a withdrawal bleed and starting again…. which would push everything back a couple weeks, but that doesn’t really bother me. I’m giving it another day to see what happens. I really do not feel like having 3 solid weeks of this half-assed bleeding. Screw that. (And no, this is not at all unusual for me. When I was on the pill as contraception it would happen every time I miss more than a day. But I don’t know when my body will stop bleeding because every time it happened I would just do another AF and start again.)

I’m having a very hard time being at all excited about this cycle. I guess it’s hard to be upbeat when you’ve just been punched in the gut. I just have no idea what to expect from this and I feel extremely guarded.

If this cycle gets another negative I think I’ll be taking a cycle or two off just to rant and rave and be angry. I’ll need some time to mentally prepare myself for another try.

Today I spent all day sketching and drawing out plans for the house. I ended up taking a nap in the middle of the day, both because I was really tired and because I was really frustrated with how nothing was working together very nicely in my plans. It apparently helped, since in the evening I finally got things to click.

Architecture has always been a big love of mine. Some kids like dolls, some kids like cars. I liked books of floor plans. As a 10 year old I would sit there for hours going through books and planning out different houses. Over the years my vision has evolved. I couldn’t tell you exactly what I want, but there is a certain feel to things that I want. I know it when I see it.

So it was really exciting to see things materialize under my pencil, to feel that excitement of yes, this works! Not only does it fit most of my ideals, but I got it to fit within our constraints, too. I can see me one day walking into this master bedroom suite I designed. I can see it in my head. It’s practical and efficient without being “boring” and typical.

There are so many things we want to do with this house, I can scarcely imagine ever being done. My parents assure me that even after 30 years of improvements and remodelling it’s still not “done.” But I can feel things moving, I can see the big changes getting closer, and that just fills me with so much glee. With architecture being such a big interest of mine it has been so hard for me to live in this house. Yes, I have a house that we can afford, with a lovely yard. Yes, I’m very appreciative of that. But it is small. It was disgustingly dirty and outdated. Everything inside it was broken or malfunctioning. And to top it all of I knew this was our forever house. It’s the perfect lot in the perfect neighborhood. Upgrading this house is a lot more affordable than buying a new one. But boy did it kill me at times.

Even if it’s just lines on paper, it helps to see what’s possible. Just like planning for the baby that we will someday have… I can’t just focus on what I don’t have, I need to constantly remind me of what will come in the future. It gives me hope, and a desire to keep moving forward. At least with the house I can do something to make it happen.

I think I was the only one at work today who did not write the wrong date down. Not once. Everyone else was still writing December, or remembering it’s the first month but putting the wrong year down. But me, every time I had to fill out a date I gleefully put down January 2009. I felt a bit smug as I did so, flipping a mental middle finger to the year past. Oh no, I will not be forgetting anytime soon. I have grabbed onto this new year with all my heart and I am not letting go. Customers sigh it all went so fast, and I just smile and nod. Yes, time does go faster every year, I would say. I didn’t tell them I was glad it’s over, glad that most of this year was a haze to me. I don’t tell them that it was the worst year of my life.

In contrast to the relief I feel at the new year I am struggling with so much sadness. My cycle’s failure is hitting me hard in a lot of ways. I would have been due on my birthday, and that was something special to me. It was something good to hold onto amid all this grief and fucked-up-ness. An IVF failure feels like a loss, too. A loss of hope. A loss of plans and what-could-have-beens.

It is not necessarily compounded by the loss of Devin, but is a separate entity to deal with. Instead of turning from grief to hope I now turn from grief to loss. Where are the good things? What is there to hold on to?

My faith in IVF has been badly shaken. I knew it wasn’t a sure thing, but I guess I figured that since it worked once already we would have better odds, that we would be able to improve on what we did before. But instead I saw that IVF is a wild stallion, and sometimes it does what it wants, when it wants, with no rationale. It is something we ride when the winds are right, with grace and good timing. We can fall at any time.

I thought the hard part would be fertilization. I was supremely confident, saving my reservation for that one moment. But instead I was thrown off early. So now what do I feel for next time, but fear? Fear that the same thing will happen. Fear that it will be worse.

And, overall, a fear that it will not work again. Nothing in life is guaranteed. And with my problems… there is much fear. It is very plausible that my doctor will, at some point in the future, review my file and tell me it’s simply not worth wasting more time waiting on my own eggs. The mere thought that Devin, my dear, sweet, lost Devin, could be my only biological child upsets me far more than the previous fear that I would never have any. He was here, he was right here. With my little fingers, and half my genes. Maybe he had my blue eyes – I will never know.

I see my friends have their second child, I see how much their babies look alike. Not the same, no… but similar. They have the same cheeks, or the same big eyes. Maybe my children will have the same delicate fingers. And I am desperate to see my next little one live and grow. To see my shadow child in their eyes. To see my Devin’s full sibling.

Devin will not be the end. He cannot be.

But there is just so much fear.

5… 4… 3… 2… 1…
“Fuck you, 2008!”
“Yes, indeed.”
Glasses clink

Truer words have never been spoken at the turning of the year.

I sat with anticipation on the floor of our new basement room, watching the idiotic crap they pass off as entertainment on New Years Eve. The ball dropped so quickly. Everyone on TV was screaming and celebrating, while we sat in silence.

I feel so relieved that it’s over… that this aweful year is over. In a way the failed IVF just kind of underscored that nothing good would come of 2008, the closing stanza of a dreadful poem.

A fresh page has been started. New chances await.

I hope 2009 is better.

I guess I really haven’t written much in here about how I’m doing.

Emotionally, I am… cranky. Bitchy. However you want to call it. I have not been a happy person, and I do not expect to be one for a while. I’m not like ranting and crying in public or anything, just very “get out of my space and leave me alone.” I want to talk to my good friends, but I don’t want to chit-chat about stupid shit with people I run into during the day. I don’t want to be in any crowds, I don’t want to have to socialise.

My period arrived in full force yesterday, sending me into another trip of the “blahs.” Thankfully this period, while heavy, has not included any cramping, for which I am very thankful.

I called and left a message for the IVF nurses, who called me back promptly. I just wanted her to pass on to my doctor that I’d like it if he could call me to talk about the next cycle. I really just want to know what the plan is an where we go from here and how soon we can get started…. and I’m not going to sit around for a month waiting for an appointment. Which is fine, he’ll call me… when he gets back from vacation next week. Sigh. So I have to wait another week for some idea of what we’re doing.

Which I’m mostly okay with. I’ve started the pill up for a down-regulation cycle, assuming that I’ll be heading straight into another cycle. My best guess is that he’ll want to lower my stims dosage in order to lower my risk of overstimming again, but go with the same basic protocol otherwise, including the 38 hour delay between trigger and retrieval.

And hell, so far I’ve been pretty right about everything so I’m just going to go by my own plans for now. We’re looking at an early February retrieval and transfer.

Last Christmas most of my gifts were centered around the baby. I got maternity clothes, a gift certificate to BRU… and some photo albums for all the photos I would soon be taking, given to me by my SIL. After Devin’s death the photo albums were put away, still in its packaging, untouched.

This Christmas I spent a portion of my day getting photos of my neice. I don’t do it too often – I don’t usually bring my big camera when going somewhere – but every few months I’ll take it and do a photoshoot with her. Today I got all the pics printed in duplicate – one for them, one for me. I sorted through them with a sort of pleased joy – pleased with what I had accomplished thorugh my photography, and joy at the beautiful little creature that is my neice.

Tonight, after some thought and internal debate, I pulled out those photo albums. They were put away for “later” – but then I thought, who knows when that will come? There will always be new photo albums. But right now I have photos to save and cherish. Not the ones I wanted, no… but something nonetheless. Something important.

My SIL’s mother talked to me many months ago, shortly after my neice’s birth, about how happy she was that SIL and I had maintained our relationship through all of this. She was right: I will always look at my neice and see Devin. There wasn’t much of a gap between the two events… we were pregnant together, had babies together. But only one of them is here in front of us. It is hard to look at BabyH and not see the two of them together.

In a way I am tremendously glad that she is here. I can’t explain it, but in being around BabyH, in celebrating and loving her, I feel that I am also celebrating and loving Devin. She was a baby in my arms when I desperately longed for one; she is photos in a photo album that would otherwise be empty.

I hope she grows up knowing how much her Auntie Nat loves her. I hope I will be as special to her as she is to me.

It is hard – it will always be hard. But it is good, too. I have the pictures to prove it.

A lot of people like to summarize their year by month, remembering the little things that happened. My summary is a piece of shit.

The entire year pretty much came to a grinding halt when Devin died. I mean, for us that will always be the entirety of 2008: our son died, we held a funeral, and we tried to get back on our feet. That was it, the whole year. I was really hoping we could end the year on a good note, with a new pregnancy to celebrate, but apparently not. So 2008 will remain, forever more, the death of our son and our inability to get pregnant again.

But there were other craptastic things that happened this year.

My brother’s dog died of cancer at a very young 3 years old.

My MIL was diagnosed with cancer. At this point it appears they removed it all and she is in full remission, but of course she won’t get the final report on that until early 2009.

And most recently, my last living grandparent had a stroke the week before Christmas (was still in the hospital for Christmas). She does look to be recovering, however she is 94 years old so no one is really thinking positive if you know what I mean.

Of course there were good things that happened around us this year. The birth of our Neice. My brother getting a new pup. I got a new job with full IVF coverage.

But really, 2008 sucked monkey balls and I am really, REALLY looking forward to the new year. I need a blank slate. I know life doesn’t really work like that… there’s no such thing as starting over, you can’t change what happened. But I have hope that 2009 will bring with it new luck for us… a new outlook, and new hopes and dreams. Hopefully a new baby.

Please let 2009 be different. Please.

There are just some comments that annoy the hell out of me. They’re not things people say to be mean or petty. I’m pretty sure if I look into my past I’ve said something similar to someone without really thinking about it. They’re just those things that people say when they are trying to be encouraging.

One of the most damaging, I think, is the false, but very pervasive, belief that if you just believe hard enough, if you just think positively, what you want will happen. I hear this over and over again, from infertility to job searches to other life crises. The intended message is to stay positive and keep trying – which is usually perfectly good and acceptable. The unfortunate unintended message isn’t so good.

Unfortunately is that many things in life are simply out of our control. Thinking good thoughts will not get me pregnant. I can have all the HOPE and POSITIVE THINKING and PRAYERS that you want to throw at me, but I will still not get pregnant without IVF and some degree of luck. But I hear it over and over again, from “You’re stressing too much,” to “don’t overthink it,” to just general encouragement to stay positive during the cycle.

So what happens when it doesn’t work? Because, quite plainly, what I think does not affect the stims or the implantation – I’m sorry, but if they did I would have gotten pregnant with twins my first cycle when I was naive and excited and blissful, not with my second cycle when I was angry at the whole fucking world and didn’t believe I had a chance in hell of it working. The whole “if you believe, it will happen” mentality has a flip side: if it doesn’t work, you didn’t try hard enough. This pushes responsibility onto the patient. It creates guilt and self-doubt. Did I not relax enough? Did I have too many negative thoughts? Was it my fault that this didn’t work? Because that, effectively, is what we’re being told.

To me it’s like telling your kid that if they really believe hard enough they could fly like Peter Pan. Obviously this is false. No matter how much they believe or think good thoughts, if they jump off the roof they’re going to hurt themselves. And if they did that, would the adults sit around saying, “Well, you just didn’t relax enough, obviously.” What a complex that would give a child. And yet people do it to adults all the time.

I’m also starting to get very worn down by all the encouragement to “stay positive.” Sometimes it’s healthier to throw a pillow and cry and get angry. It’s as if the people saying these things don’t want you to grieve and just sit and feel fucking rotten for a little while. As if that is somehow harmful to our forward progress, instead of being completely NORMAL. (Disclaimer: I am not talking about the majority of blog comments. Mostly this is people I talk to in my daily life who really don’t “get” what I’m going through.)

Life isn’t always sunshine and roses. And life’s obstacles aren’t always surmountable. I’m a firm believer in being pro-active and involved… but there are some things I just can’t control, and to come to peace I have to accept that. There are a lot of variables and absolutely no guarantees.

::

At work I’m usually pretty good at staying focussed on what I’m doing, filtering out the noise and commotion around me. But there are times when that can be difficult – like when you notice a co-worker is dealing with an angry customer, it’s hard not to stretch your ears to catch it. And then there are times like today when some random comment just pierces my little bubble. “Expecting another! They announced it on Christmas – she said they have another present for us, but it won’t be here until July!” I froze, forgetting entirely what I was in the middle of counting out, as that comment, that concept, echoed in my ears. That was supposed to be me. I quickly shook myself out of it and continued with the customer I was helping, but I couldn’t get the words out of my head.