They lied about the power of words
There are just some comments that annoy the hell out of me. They’re not things people say to be mean or petty. I’m pretty sure if I look into my past I’ve said something similar to someone without really thinking about it. They’re just those things that people say when they are trying to be encouraging.
One of the most damaging, I think, is the false, but very pervasive, belief that if you just believe hard enough, if you just think positively, what you want will happen. I hear this over and over again, from infertility to job searches to other life crises. The intended message is to stay positive and keep trying – which is usually perfectly good and acceptable. The unfortunate unintended message isn’t so good.
Unfortunately is that many things in life are simply out of our control. Thinking good thoughts will not get me pregnant. I can have all the HOPE and POSITIVE THINKING and PRAYERS that you want to throw at me, but I will still not get pregnant without IVF and some degree of luck. But I hear it over and over again, from “You’re stressing too much,” to “don’t overthink it,” to just general encouragement to stay positive during the cycle.
So what happens when it doesn’t work? Because, quite plainly, what I think does not affect the stims or the implantation – I’m sorry, but if they did I would have gotten pregnant with twins my first cycle when I was naive and excited and blissful, not with my second cycle when I was angry at the whole fucking world and didn’t believe I had a chance in hell of it working. The whole “if you believe, it will happen” mentality has a flip side: if it doesn’t work, you didn’t try hard enough. This pushes responsibility onto the patient. It creates guilt and self-doubt. Did I not relax enough? Did I have too many negative thoughts? Was it my fault that this didn’t work? Because that, effectively, is what we’re being told.
To me it’s like telling your kid that if they really believe hard enough they could fly like Peter Pan. Obviously this is false. No matter how much they believe or think good thoughts, if they jump off the roof they’re going to hurt themselves. And if they did that, would the adults sit around saying, “Well, you just didn’t relax enough, obviously.” What a complex that would give a child. And yet people do it to adults all the time.
I’m also starting to get very worn down by all the encouragement to “stay positive.” Sometimes it’s healthier to throw a pillow and cry and get angry. It’s as if the people saying these things don’t want you to grieve and just sit and feel fucking rotten for a little while. As if that is somehow harmful to our forward progress, instead of being completely NORMAL. (Disclaimer: I am not talking about the majority of blog comments. Mostly this is people I talk to in my daily life who really don’t “get” what I’m going through.)
Life isn’t always sunshine and roses. And life’s obstacles aren’t always surmountable. I’m a firm believer in being pro-active and involved… but there are some things I just can’t control, and to come to peace I have to accept that. There are a lot of variables and absolutely no guarantees.
::
At work I’m usually pretty good at staying focussed on what I’m doing, filtering out the noise and commotion around me. But there are times when that can be difficult – like when you notice a co-worker is dealing with an angry customer, it’s hard not to stretch your ears to catch it. And then there are times like today when some random comment just pierces my little bubble. “Expecting another! They announced it on Christmas – she said they have another present for us, but it won’t be here until July!” I froze, forgetting entirely what I was in the middle of counting out, as that comment, that concept, echoed in my ears. That was supposed to be me. I quickly shook myself out of it and continued with the customer I was helping, but I couldn’t get the words out of my head.
We’re thinking of you.
Right on!
But there is another ugly side to these comments. They are usually spoken by people who either have what you want, or haven’t yet tried to get it. And what it also says, should your try fail, is that THEY stayed positive enough, THEY did it right, THEY deserve (or will deserve) their glorious outcome. Way to place blame, guys. Way to place blame.
Not to mention that when it is spoken of a subsequent pregnancy it also implies that we didn’t want our now dead babies enough, didn’t stay positive enough for them.
Ugh… can you tell you hit my favorite dumbass thing people say? Yeah…
Lots of hugs to you! I agree. It is completely fine to get ANGRY and scream and yell. It is not fair at all. I think that people who do stay positive all the time about everything, are just in denial. It is healthy to get angry. If nobody ever got angry, nothing would change in the world.
I hesitated to comment on this post because I understand, I think, what you’re saying. However, there is a medical physiological basis for positive thinking. Positive thinking, or at least avoiding negative thinking, affects the hypothalamus. The most important function of the hypothalamus is linking the central nervous system to the endocrine system. Since you’re doing IVF I know I don’t need to explain the endocrine systems importance to you. Everything from stress, anger, frustration, depression all the way to something as simple as reacting to light… it can all affect the hypothalamus, and right now especially you really want the hypothalamus to BE YOUR FRIEND.
I won’t pretend to understand the depth of your grief, frustration, or anything else. Every single thing you feel is valid and comes from a place of honesty so I hope that I’m not coming across as judgemental. However, if I could offer ANYTHING to you that might be the tiniest bit of help, I’d like to offer this… (it’ll be rambling thoughts as usual)… I’m a person who gets soooooooo caught up in the “why” of things. I believe in God, though my faith is often terribly weak in rough times. But that faith in a “higher power” is just about all that allows me to step outside the emotions that threaten to cripple me if I allow them to. Some things really are “just because” and it sucks. It’s awful and so unfair that Devin was ripped from you like he was. It’s something no one should have to deal with… ever. But I really hope that during this time, when all of your energies are going to be used up with getting your body ready to carry another special baby, that you can either come to some sort of peace about it even if it’s “just for now.”
And even if I’m totally wrong about everything… I hope this doesn’t piss anyone off, because I’m not trying to preach to anyone or profess to know better than others. I’m just stating what works for me and I’m hoping like hell that it might help you.
Please know that you and Den are in our thoughts and I’m really hoping that the new year brings wonderful things for y’all!
Natalie- very well written/said. I won’t even pretend to have a full idea of what you have and are going through, but you and den are in my thoughts so often. I so wished for a Christmas miracle for you both. I wish some one, some thing out there would cut you a break. So go ahead and beat the shit out of a few pillows.
Kristi – wrong time and place for that comment, IMO.
cliched to say, but i really do feel like i could have written this myself. i’m not in exactly the same boat as you, but similar. and i’m right there beside you. fed up, frustrated and pissed off as hell.
*hugs* I totally ‘get’ this post. Like, what? when things failed, it was my fault because I wasn’t positive or hopeful enough? NOT!!!
Anyhoo, just take one day at a time…set small goals. That’s what I do anyways..
I am SOOO sorry for your loss.
I completely agree. People don’t understand and just WANTING something badly enough or thinking positively will NOT produce a baby. I’m sorry you have to hear these comments, I know they are damaging and always seem to be judgmental. I’m so sorry this didn’t work out for you this time. Hugs. I agree that it IS healthy to be angry and throw things once in a while. Don’t feel like you are wrong for grieving.
i commented earlier but it must have got lost. I’m just so sorry. it failed for us this month too, and we don’t even have the added stresses you have of trying to conceive.
you just be exactly how you need to be. and i’ll keep wishing for us both.
duh, it did not get lost. i just didn’t see it there! sorry for commenting twice! thinking of you, if it is any consolation.
I agree 100% with everything you have said. It’s one of my biggest pet peeves about people in general. Positive thinking does not make things happen. If someone needs to believe such nonsense, go for it. But don’t force it on the rest of us. It doesn’t matter how much you WANT to be a parent, how much you WANT someone in your life not to be sick, how much you WANT anything. Horrible things happen ever single day, and don’t lay the blame on “ME” for not wanting it bad enough, or being positive enough.
It’s bullshit. Sorry about the anger, but this just its too close to home for me. To me, it’s no different than the belief in God. People NEED to believe in SOMETHING, because they can’t handle the chaos that life actually is. They need to believe if they do everything right, they will get their happy ending. I just don’t think life works that way.
As for you, I wish you nothing but love and happiness. You obviously deserve good tidings in your life. I hope that life gives them to you. But as you well already know, you can’t wish them upon yourself, and on the flip side, you can’t blame yourself either.
Sending much love.
Hate that. When I hear someone say that kinda garbage to someone else who’s pregnant I want to step in a say, “NOT SO FAST! Do you realize that you can do everything right, eat only the right foods, drink enough water, AND STILL LOSE YOUR BABY??!” People are effin’ clue-less.
A-men. Sorry you’re having to deal with this nonsense. Want to borrow a pair of “Life is Good” Pajamas?
I couldn’t agree more! I always loved the name of your blog “Relaxing Doesn’t Make Babies” and that is SO true! If I heard “just relax” or “don’t think about it” one more time, I think I’d lose my mind. It was such blame the victim kind of statement!! Like telling someone who was raped that they shouldntve been wearing those clothes. How is Den dealing with all of this? I know men handle these things in a much different way.
I have this documentary if you ever want to borrow it – it was very helpful to me and I’d love to pay it forward!! Let me know.
Hope this helps! HUGS!
http://www.amazon.com/Technostorks-Documentary-Infertility-Vitro-Fertilization/dp/B000F5M0Z8
I absolutely agree with you…its sickening to hear those things over and over…and your right sometimes it is easier to cry and throw things…and if that is what gets you through then you do it!!! Forget what people say (well at least try) cause they are not the ones that have to live with infertility everyday and they are not the ones that need help getting pregnant and doesnt it seem to always come from someone like that…so ya know what I do sometimes…when someone says something like that I respond very sarcastically…it may be mean but its what helps me get through it all!
You’re right, Natalie. I hate the whole “stay positive” stance. I just think these people are deluded because no amount of positive thinking will undo what’s been done, nor will it magically have a baby appear on our doorsteps or in our bodies for that matter. It just doesn’t happen that way.
I suggest you get those “Life is Good” jammies from Tash and burn them.
Terrific post. I hope it makes a difference to people who say these things.
Couldn’t agree more with everything you said. It’s just a simplistic, subconscious way of people making themselves feel better about things they cannot understand.
It reminds me of “The Secret”- you know, the Oprah craze. I find it laughable because I really really really want to win the lottery, but no amount of positive thinking is going to help me win. I don’t know how people can get away preaching this stuff. Certainly, it’s more pleasant to be a “positive” thinker, but there are times and situations where it’s just impossible to maintain that attitude.
I’m so sorry, both on your loss and the thoughtless comments you’ve received. I just think sometimes people have NO idea what to say, and they just start talking. I once read a very wise essay that advised just to say I’m sorry. I’ve learned to tell people that while I cannot fathom how they are feeling, if they would like to talk about it, I’m here to listen. This sounds so simple, but it works, and it gives permission to people to either talk or not, depending on what they’re feeling.
i hear you. people always say God will not give you more than you can handle and everything happens for a reason.
i don’t know how i feel about those phrases…but right now i just can’t deal with them.
i am so sorry this cycle did not work out.
F&ck!
i hear you. people always say God will not give you more than you can handle and everything happens for a reason.
i don’t know how i feel about those phrases…but right now i just can’t deal with them.
i am so sorry this cycle did not work out.
F&ck!
I agree with you completely, Natalie. Sometimes staying positive isn’t the right answer. Sometimes staying positive means being in denial and setting yourself up for more hurt down the line when you can’t deny reality any longer. Grieving isn’t a bad thing; it’s a necessary thing. Unfortunately some people can’t deal with how ugly grief can be. They’d rather you just put on a happy face.
I also think JuliaKB is right on. There’s an element to the whole think positive advice that smacks of “I deserve what I got because I stayed positive, relaxed, meditated, etc.” It’s a way of making the advisor feel as though she actually had some control over the result rather than that she was just plain old lucky. . .that she could just as easily have been on the other side of things.
i’ve gone through the death of a baby and i still flounder when it comes to saying encouraging “right” words to people too. Sometimes i just never know where that person is in their life or their “hope”. One thing remains the same though, their want for another chance for pregnancy, another shot and holding their baby and raising him/her. I really truly hope you get that chance soon. I say soon, because I have a feeling you will get your chance again. I just want it to be sooner rather than later.
People will never cease to amaze me with the things they come up with to say. Lots of hugs.
The IVF cycle when I finally got pg I was the most negative I could’ve possibly been. And I allowed myself to feel that way. Trying to change that and “be positive” was more work than just feeling the way I was feeling. And I’m proof that it can happen despite all the negativity! So if you feel miserable and negative during your next cycle….let it happen! And good luck to you!
You *need* to feel what you need to feel. That is all there is too it. At the end of the day ‘staying positive’ when you really want to shout and cry and be angry is going to do more harm than acknowledging how you really feel. You need to be at where you need to be at. That goes for making babies, losing babies, and every other less stressful thing in life IMHO. People don’t realize that sometimes you do more harm to yourself bottling things up when you’re ‘trying to be positive’ rather than just expressing what you need to express and feeling what you need to feel.
Women…especially… God forbid we express our unpleasant emotions.
And when the hell was the last time anybody ever heard a guy be told “just relax and be positive and you’ll get your wife pregnant?” Psssh.
Sport Center, of all things, just said the perfect thing: “All prayers are answered… but sometimes the answer is no.” Re. football, it made me laugh. Not so funny re. life– but just as applicable.
And word to Raych’s last statement. Grr.
Oh, you are so right!! It used to drive me nuts (still does). Funnily enough, I found it was often other babyloss/IF moms (IRL) who were the worst culprits, especially if they were still ttc themselves. They didn’t want ME to give up, because if it didn’t happen for me, it meant it might not happen for them either.