Exhausted.

It seems I haven’t left myself enough time to write much lately. I have been very busy with my work, and I’m not getting good sleep. But a good part of my lack of free time is because of my obsession with the house plans. Oh yes, it is a full blown obsession. I come home full of ideas and sit down to sketch them before I even get food. I’m half hoping this goes away… and half not, since it’s giving me something to do and think about other than the IVF/baby stuff.

The doctor let me know what he wants to do this next time: all hMG (Menopur), no FSH (Follistim). They’re starting me on 3 vials (225iu) of Menopur a day, and having me come in after 3 days to see how it’s going. I have to say I am really nervous about changing things in a big way like that. But of course my friends point out that this could be the change that makes a difference. I just really hate gambling.

The estimate for things is to start Lupron on the 14th, with retrieval and transfer in the first week of February.

I’ve been on the pill since I started my period, but Friday and Saturday I missed taking them. I’ve been spotting pretty heavily ever since, and it seems to not be getting lighter. I’m getting really frustrated and irritated by it – this was supposed to be my month without wearing pads. The nurse said that spotting after missing some is normal and to just keep taking my pills, but I’m seriously considering stopping the pills for a withdrawal bleed and starting again…. which would push everything back a couple weeks, but that doesn’t really bother me. I’m giving it another day to see what happens. I really do not feel like having 3 solid weeks of this half-assed bleeding. Screw that. (And no, this is not at all unusual for me. When I was on the pill as contraception it would happen every time I miss more than a day. But I don’t know when my body will stop bleeding because every time it happened I would just do another AF and start again.)

I’m having a very hard time being at all excited about this cycle. I guess it’s hard to be upbeat when you’ve just been punched in the gut. I just have no idea what to expect from this and I feel extremely guarded.

If this cycle gets another negative I think I’ll be taking a cycle or two off just to rant and rave and be angry. I’ll need some time to mentally prepare myself for another try.