I am surprizingly not in much pain. I do have to help myself sit up. And there were times last night when my belly button was itching almost painfully. But laying in bed I do not feel much. Just still bloated. I can feel the bandages on my belly, covering the incisions. I think they are bothering me more than the incisions.

I was in far more pain yesterday before my surgery. That night I posted that something was feeling wrong, it was just pressure. In the morning before my appointment I was walking tenderly, trying not to jostle anything. By the time we drove to the hospital for my surgery I was gasping every time the car hit a little bump, hand clenching the car door for stability. I walked hunched over, very very carefully. Just laying in the hospital bed, waiting for the doctor to arrive, was an act in meditation. Of course he was delayed an hour.

Apparently the anesthesiologists have nothing to do during the day. First the one who was going to be in the OR with me came by and went over all the paperwork and “Do you have any allergies? Have you ever had any bad reactions to anesthesia?” questions. All was in order, just waiting for the doctor. He left. About 15 minutes later, another anesthesiologist came by and said she was going to go over some paperwork. She asked me the same questions. And then said, “Oh, so-and-so already talked to you? Okay then, guess you don’t need me!” and left. Half an hour later… another anesthesiologist came over and rifled through all the papers yet again, asking me the same damn questions, and then walked off without a word (WTF?). I looked at Den and said they must be really bored.

I really didn’t like having that extra hour. I tried to nap, but was too uncomfortable and the pre-op area was bright, with nurses talking and working. It was in that hour that I started worrying. I really didn’t care too much about losing my tube, but what if something went wrong during the surgery? What if I lose my ovary? Or… worse? I reassured myself that it was, in many ways, a routine surgery… it wasn’t a rupture, it wasn’t some completely strange case… the doctor has removed plenty of tubes in his years. But I was still really wishing they could put me out already.

Finally my Dr showed up, someone put some drugs in my IV, and the nurse wheeled me down the hall. I was waiting for the drugs to kick in, but they didn’t damnit. Into the OR, got me to scoot carefully over to a different bed, arms out to the sides, stickers on me everywhere, warm blankets. And still I’m looking around quite lucidly. Finally they must have kicked in the heavy stuff and welcomed the deep sleep.

Afterwards I didn’t come awake all at once. I could hear nurses chattering beside me. I thought I heard something about “ruptured ectopic” and I was confused… and worried. But my mind wasn’t all that with it and I fell back asleep. When I woke up the next time I felt much clearer. I got the shivers really bad… they kept asking if I was cold, but I wasn’t, I was just shivering uncontrollably. I realized – though they probably did not – that it was a reaction to the drop in hormones, just like after giving birth… I did the same thing after Devin was born. It took about 15 minutes, but finally it calmed down and went away.

They gave me some ice chips and then called Den down from the waiting room. He greeted me with a soft kiss and I of course immediately asked him what the doctor had told him, did it rupture? He looked puzzled. No, the doctor didn’t say anything like that. He said it all went quite well. Tube was removed through my belly button incision (which is probably why it’s bugging me more than the others – he had to make it a little bigger). Everything else is intact. So I have no idea if a nurse said something incorrectly or if my mind was just playing on my fears while I was drifting in and out. I felt so relieved.

We went home shortly after. The nurse took me by wheelchair to the front door, I eased into the car and Den drove me home. It feels good to be in my bed with my laptop. I have the week off work, on doctor’s orders, so I can just lay here and rest and let my poor belly heal up. It’s still a little bloated, but nothing painful like it was yesterday. I am very used to being bloated, but not like that.

Den said it was just so weird how my ultrasound was scheduled that day… the day that it got BAD. If I hadn’t had something scheduled that morning I would have been rushing in regardless. Tuesday I was not sure that something was really wrong… Wednesday I was pretty sure there was. I mean, I still held out hope that it was normal. I still was waiting for them to say that it was okay. I didn’t really want to believe that it wasn’t.

The strangest thing is that we – both Den and I – feel a little bit… relieved. I’ve been writing about a little of what I’ve been going through, but trust me when I say it was much worse in my head. Now we know that wasn’t normal…. that next time it SHOULD NOT be that bad…. I should not be bleeding, I shoud not be freaking out every single fucking day. I told Den, on the days when I didn’t bleed at all I was really quite happy and hopeful. Even despite our previous loss, which will of course make pregnancy more stressful no matter what, that bleeding, that feeling that something was very wrong, was above and beyond what I would expect in terms of fear and paranoia. Next time we’ll get a fresh start. Next time we’ll get a healthy pregnancy.

And we won’t have to wait too long. My doctor just called to see how I was doing. He said the lap is a pretty easy procedure to perform, and easy to heal from. He wants to wait one cycle and one normal period, but then we can probably start protocol for another FET, so June.

He also talked to me about the procedure and how it went. The embryo implanted not just in my tube, but all the way at the end in the fibula. What the fuck? How does that even HAPPEN? My tube was quite swollen. This explains why my ovary was bothering me – it must have been pressing right against it. But he said that my ovaries looked fine, my left tube looked fine. And also he saw no adhesions or signs of endometriosis.

So. Now we just wait a month. I’ll be working on my garden, like last year. I have some peas to plant.

So, as most of you have seen on twitter… those of you who suggested ectopic… DING DING DING, you win. It’s in my right tube.

I woke up this morning feeling very very bloated. Like, bad. I kept thinking gas, it’s got to be gas. I drank gingerale and water and tried to poop or fart or throw up or *anything* to relieve the pressure. Didn’t work. I kept telling myself, it’s just gas, it’s just gas.

At my appointment they got me right back. I thought they must have been prepared for me, they’re never that quick. I quickly ran through everything – the bleeding, the bloating, the achy back and “ovary” area. She said, “Well let’s just see what’s going on.” Got my feet in the stirrups, ultrasound wand in, scanned quickly. I saw her measuring my uterus. It looked empty. She said, “I’m sorry, honey, I don’t have good news. It’s ectopic.” She moved the wand and there was a little circle, not in the uterus. Fuck. Fuck.

I mean, really. Yesterday I sat down and went over the statistics logically. I was probably freaking out needlessly. Stressed, worried, pregnant and gassy. Worst-case scenario, I said, was that it’s ectopic. But I mean, that’s the least likely scenario. I researched it… IVF ectopics happen in like .5-3% of IVF pregnancies, from some sources. It happens, but not likely. And I’m paranoid, right?

Oh we should be playing the fucking lottery.

I cried a little, sure I did. Frustration and disappointment and all kinds of crap. But, I knew it, didn’t I. I knew it in my heart. When she first said, “Ectopic,” I just nodded. I knew it wasn’t right.

This is why I’ve been bleeding the whole time. My body is confused. My uterus is empty, so it tries to bleed, but my hcg is up, so it doesn’t. This is actually a huge relief to me. I knew something was wrong. My body doesn’t do that for no reason. I knew SOMETHING was wrong, I just didn’t know what. Even if it was just a subchorionic hematoma, I just wanted to know what it was, why it felt wrong. So this at least answers that. This reassures me that my body wasn’t just bleeding for the hell of it. (And that next time if I start bleeding I’m heading into the office RIGHT NOW.)

Also, this is why I’m so bloated right now… she said fluid is leaking out the end of my tube into my abdominal cavity.

I asked if the baby had developed normally. She said no… there was a sac, but it wasn’t measuring right, no heartbeat…. probably because it wasn’t allowed to grow properly in the tube. That made me feel relieved. It would be ten times worse if they had to remove a baby with a beating heart. A hundred times worse.

She got the doctor in the room. He patted my knee sadly and said he was sorry. He shook his head and said with a sigh, “You called it, didn’t you.” He looked over everything with the ultrasound. When we got dressed he came in to talk to me about it all. At first I thought they’d just give me a shot to induce a miscarriage, but they need to do surgery to remove it. Dr said he *could* try to remove just the pregnancy tissue and leave the tube intact, but that creates scar tissue and *increases* the risk of another ectopic. My thoguhts: a) hell no and b) I don’t need my fucking tube. So I nodded enthusiastically and he set to scheduling the surgery. A laparoscopy, by the by. Might be a larger incision than last time, though.

So. I hurt more now, physically.. the pain is definitely getting worse. If I hadn’t been thinking something was wrong before now, I most certainly would be today. I want it all gone. I look forward to being put out.

More pissed off than anything. Totally, utterly pissed. But not really surprized. I think I’ve been grieving in bits and pieces for 2 and a half weeks. Grieved a little when I started bleeding, grieved more yesterday when I just let it all loose. And I never really gained that back. I never really fully believed. I wanted to, I tried to, but I didn’t.

And, like Den said after we found out, “I really wish you weren’t always right.” Me too. Me too. I so wanted to be wrong.

The cramping feeling has gone away, my lower back is still hurting from the pinched nerve, which made me think, hmmm, maybe that’s why my right side is a little achy, the nerve’s on that side. I’m still bloated – not unusual – and still bleeding – also not unusual. And I’ve been peeing like a mofo.

But I had the on-call doctor paged anyways, I just spoke with him. He asked me a bunch of questions. He basically said an ectopic is a possibility, but this early it’s not a huge immediate risk and that they’ll see what’s going on tomorrow morning at my ultrasound. So no need for the ER tonight.

Honestly I’m starting to think the pain is stress-related.

The bubbly ache has changed again, now it feels like my belly is being squeezed. Not hard… just… lightly. Like a giant balloon. I feel bloated, round. I feel tender. I feel pressure.

And I realized it’s freaking me out a lot because it feels way too similar to my early labor pains. Except, my uterus isn’t up that high. It’s most tender/full just below my belly button – my uterus is somewhere down in my pelvic bone still. But, still…. the similarity in feeling is really really unnerving me.

I came home and wept into my pillow. I feel so devoid of emotion… anything other than fear. Fear that this is over. Fear that I will wake up to much more blood. Fear that we will be back to square one again, will have to scratch my name off lists, will have to take down all my joyful things and pack away my heart.

Belly ache of unknown location, when combined with the continued bleeding, will lead me to “OMGWTF the end is near!!” I spent the morning panicking completely.

However the “ache” has turned into a very concentrated, bubbly kind of pain just below my belly button and I’m now thinking gas pain, or at least some kind of intestinal issue. Probably pressing against my right ovary (since that is aching, too). It’s definitely not normal cramps. I mean, it could be cramps that I’m not used to… but it doesn’t feel like cramps anymore.

But still. Could my body PLEASE give me a fucking break. I’m not sure how I’m going to make it to tomorrow’s appointment. I may end up having a spectacular mental breakdown before then.

Today was not a good day. My back has been a little tight and sore the past week or two, because I was overdue fo rmy appointment with my chiropractor. But this morning I woke up with a stabbing, throbbing pain in my lower back. Pinched nerve. Thankfully my chiro appointment was already scheduled for this morning, so I just had to hang out in bed until then. That was not easy… every position hurt. Side, back, standing, sitting, laying… didn’t matter. The pain was intense. I ended up using my little microwaveable hot pack on my lower back for a short while to try to relieve some of it. At one point, getting food in the kitchen, I bent over as if to touch my toes, just trying ot stretch things out. (It didn’t work.) The appointment revealed I was definitely very very tight… upper and lower back. Her pressing on my sacrum felt so, so good, but I wanted her to keep doing it.

But unfortunately the pain relief was not instantaneous. Luckily I wasn’t at the bank today, but I was sitting at a desk nonetheless, and so spent most of the day feeling very very whiny. I spent some time just laying on the carpetted floor, cats circling and climbing on me, and that actually felt good, especially when I hugged my knees to my chest. (And then I didn’t want to move, because I was tired and a semi-feral cat curled up in my armpit, chin on my arm. I mean, really. How can you move??)

And then, also, today was a bleeding day. I seem to have on days, where I spot all day, and off days where I barely get anything. Well today was an on day, and that combined with my lower back pain – even though I knew they weren’t related – just had me very freaked out and emotional. Like I can only handle one thing at a time.

And then the nausea! I ate a subway flatbread – I love those right now. Very very good. It tasted great – one of few things that actually tastes good right now. However, apparently it was too much for the morning. It sat heavy and I just felt off all day. My stomach was gurgling, I was gassy, I felt pretty gaggy. It’s lovely.

Which reminds me… tonight I read my blog when I got pregnant with Devin… from 4 weeks to 6 weeks. Apparently what I’m dealing with right now, in terms of nausea, is much more similar than I remember. What I remember is the puking, but that didn’t come until later. Before 6-ish weeks it was just… this. Gaggy and indigestion. It’s actually quite interesting reading back… there’s a lot of things I forget, like how scared I was before my ultrasound. For some reason I was thinking I was perfectly confident and happy, but I wasn’t… it wasn’t as perfect and rosy as I think. I had fear even without the previous loss and constant bleeding.

I really wish tomorrow were Wednesday. We’re both just… waiting. I think I’m going to be crying at the ultrasound… no matter what the answer.

When I think of cravings and aversions in pregnancy I usually think first about those cravings that have you driving around town after midnight, or when the sight of something makes you feel sick to your stomach.

I have neither of those.

What I do have is hunger and the vague feeling of what I don’t want. Basically I walk around the kitchen, poking and prodding, and nothing I see or think of sounds appetizing. Or it does sound good, so I heat it up, take one bite, and then say, “Bleh.” This is driving me a little crazy.

One of the recent things I like a lot is cucumber. This is “recent” as in the last several months (so not a pregnancy thing), but I think they’re tasting even better. I want them in my sandwiches. There was some cucumber in my salad the other day and I carefully cut it up and rationed it out so that every bite would have cucumber goodness in it. What else can you eat cucumber with? I need ideas here.

A very recent discovery, so probably pregnancy-related, is that I apparently now like clam chowder. Den had some at dinner the other night (the same dinner I had that salad), and I tried some just because it looked good. And suddenly I wanted some. Then yesterday I stopped somewhere for lunch and they had clam chowder available! I got some and it was really good. This may not sound surprizing to you, however, I do not like clam chowder. Or much seafood at all, for that matter. When I told Den what I had for lunch he stared at me wide-eyed.

For that matter, I still could eat more chowder. Maybe sometime this week we’ll have to go out for soup and salad. (But I still will not be throwing on slippers and going out at midnight for any.)

I just wish I could find some good snack food to keep around the house… you know, something I actually want to eat. This “bleh” thing is irritating.

::

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about Devin, but not in the way you might expect. I always kind of figured that when I got pregnant again it would bring with it a lot of flashbacks, a lot of guilt, a lot of sadness. I’ve heard it enough from other girls, so I just prepared myself for it.

But I don’t feel it. Not yet, at least. This pregnancy, while it has many things in common with Devin’s, feels very different. It started very different. It had a very different journey to get here. I do not wake up thinking I am still pregnant with Devin.

And I think a lot of it is because it’s been over a year since I gave birth to Devin. 13 months of griefwork, 13 months of struggling towards acceptance. It took me a large chunk of that to get there, but at some point I settled into my new normal. It’s almost strange for me to think that soon I will be growing a belly. I am sure it will feel familiar when it happens, but it’s been so long it’s faded into an almost-dream… I remember it, but don’t really remember how it feels. In many ways it feels like I’m experiencing pregnancy for the first time all over again.

But, like I said, I think about him often. Being pregnant reminds me of all the things that I loved (and didn’t love quite as much) about pregnancy. Mostly it reminds me of the joy. When I think about being pregnant what I really remember is that feeling overwhelming joy.

I am so happy that not only am I getting a second chance to experience this, but that my grief has faded enough that this time it is not all about fear. Oh there is a shadow, no doubt – there will always be a lot of fear. But it is not all fear. It is not all memories and reminders and grief. I am able to truly experience this as it is. And the memories that I do have are happy ones.

::

I am very nervous about Wednesday, but I am trying to just stay positive. I am starting to allow myself to get excited about these next 9 months, starting to believe that maybe this will work… that everything is okay in there. That’s the hard part for me. I accept that I am pregnant, the tests say so, as do all the symptoms. But I don’t know what’s going on inside, and it is extremely difficult to just take it on optimism’s sake that everything is doing well in there, that there’s a healthy baby. This damn bleeding is just like this constant daily reminder that, you know, it’s not a given, there could be something very wrong. Without the bleeding it would be much easier to just relax and believe the symptoms.

So I’m waiting for Wednesday. Two and a half more days to go.

Somehow I have made it to 6 weeks pregnant – and I’m not even sure how. I think this pregnancy is going to go by a lost faster than the last one, because I am so busy all the time… the weeks just keep flipping by.

I think my lower belly is pudging out slightly more than it was last week. Of course I did have to take this first thing in the morning, because by evening my upper belly is nice and bloated.

So far I’m right on par with last pregnancy’s belly progression. I don’t know if I’ll show sooner or not with this one, I’ll just have to wait and see.

Oh and PS, I’ve added some pages over on the right sidebar menu for this pregnancy, including ultrasounds (nothing yet), doctors visits, and, of course, belly pics. So at any time you can go over and compare see the progression.

I think the excitement is starting to eclipse the fear – at least for the moment. Not that I wasn’t excited, but being terrified really kind of impedes just feeling happy. It’s one of the reasons I was so freaking angry. This pregnancy means so much to me, and I want to be able to enjoy it like I did with Devin’s, not just wishing it were over. As much as I will always be waiting for it to be done with, waiting to hold a baby in my arms, I hope I can also just be happy with where I am. It’s so hard to do now. The shadow can seem almost too much to get out from under it.

But the last two days I’ve felt… happy. My little tiny belly paunch is starting to stick out a little more, and even though I know it’s flab and bloating, it reminds me that I am pregnant. Every time I notice it I think, “Oh my god.” There is wonder and joy and thankfulness.

So very thankful. Just like last time. We had to struggle through so much, some really hard failures, to get to where we are now. A lot of bad news without any guarantee of ever getting good news. But we have it now. I do belong to groups online, and of course most of them are not infertiles. Do I still get a little angry at the world that most of them got pregnant in 1-3 cycles when I couldn’t? Yeah. But I think I’m okay with being set apart. When I list our journey people say, “Whoa.” It’s not normal. It’s a hell of a lot harder. But in the end I’m sitting here at 6 weeks pregnant and bawling in joy.

::

I apparently have also been blessed with a lot of understanding people. It shouldn’t surprize me, but it still does sometimes anyways. And I don’t mean my blog readers – you all know my journey – I mean the new groups online, and coworkers and such… the people who don’t really know me.

My online forums haven’t batted an eye at the fact that this is my second child, or said a word about my sig (which has Devin’s picture in it right now). It’s mostly a younger generation on these forums, and it’s quite uplifting to see how accepting and encouraging everyone is. I have had nothing but people rallying around me, supporting me, cheering me on. And one of the coolest things is seeing how my old pregnancy group – one I was a part of with Devin – are cheering me on. Those girls never for one second discounted Devin in any way. I cannot say how much that means to me.

At work I have been pleasantly surprized – I haven’t gotten one comment about relaxing on vacation. And remember how I said one coworker is pregnant too? I was talking to her a bit today, and she said she actually knew she was pregnant back in March, before I left. But she said she was really hoping I would get pregnant, and she didn’t announce her news because I “had enough shit to deal with” and she didn’t want to add to it. I also had another friend online who did the same thing, waiting to announce a pregnancy in the hopes that I would get good news and theirs wouldn’t hurt me. I just think about how very selfless these people are… how they were thinking of me at a time like that.

I am very sorry, however, that many of you have developed some very serious addictions to this blog. ;)

::

Either I didn’t notice last time, or I wasn’t feeling as much last time, but I didn’t realize how much the pregnancy things going on inside feel like impending AF. The spotting (yep, still doing that) makes me paranoid, which makes me notice every. little. thing. People are right, that “heavy,” bloated, achy feeling feels a lot like AF… and yet different. It does make me jump a little bit when I get a cramp of one sort or another. I’ve had some cervix twinges, some ligament pains, some general uterus weird-feeling-things that I assume is stretching.

There are a lot of moments in my day when I forget that I am pregnant. I’ll get busy working on something, then I’ll feel a twinge and startle for a brief second… and then realize, once again, HOLY CRAP, I’m pregnant! And then I get a big dumb smile on my face and forget what I was doing.

Did I mention my boobs hurt? Yeah, my boobs hurt. Not a LOT. Just a little. Except when I try to sleep on them. And then they’re all like, errrrrrr, move over!! Plus they are itchy. I assume from that, and the fact that Den stared at me this morning when I got up and said, “Big boobies!”, that they are growing. Not a ton – no porn star boobs yet or anything. But they’re filling out a little. Yippee! But they are just going to have to get used to being slept on, because I am enjoying every last day I have to sleep on my belly.

My face is getting oilier than normal. I’m going to have to really keep up with that or I’ll break out like crazy. I hope my hormones even out after the first tri, like they did last time!

I’m getting impatient. The first trimester really kind of sucks. You aren’t showing, you can’t feel anything, you can’t check with a doppler, and there are a thousand things to worry about and a high chance of miscarriage. I am really really looking forward to moving past this stage. I want my belly to grow, I want to feel the baby move. I am SO excited to get further into this. It’s slowly sinking in that I could have a belly showing in a few short months. I wonder if it will be the same as I remember it. I wonder if it will be just as amazing.

I am super tired… though mostly because I don’t get tired at night until midnight. It’s great. Tired all day and into the evening, then I lay down and bingo, I’m awake. Arrgggg. Body is still adjusting to the eastern time zone. And/or it’s just being obnoxious. Gee, that’s never happened before.

I am not yet 6 weeks, and yet I can feel the nausea creeping in. Yesterday morning at work I felt a little queasy-ish, but eating something helped quell it. Today I felt a little queasy-ish, then on my way to the bathroom to pee I realized it was more than queasy and ended up gagging over the toilet. No throwing up… yet. But something is definitely unhappy in the mornings. (And yes, I ate breakfast! But perhaps cheerios will NOT be my thing this time. I assumed that it would do well for me because it did last time.)

The spotting is, eh. I had next to nothing at all today while at work, which was great! Slightly pink CM at times. But then after my dinner dose I started spotting more red… though that time I think I did irritate my cervix. I am doing four doses a day now, so I’ll give it a few days to judge if there’s an improvement overall. Could just be coincidence.

Feeling some strange, light cramps and twinges now and then. The bloating hit hard today, oh boy. I’ve been gassy for a while, but wasn’t bloated at all. Today my pants were a bit tight when I was sitting.

Oh yeah, and the acne has started. Or something. I haven’t taken a close look at it, but I either have tiny zits or little skin tags on my neck. My neck. WTF? It’s very irritating to me. I’ll have to check that out tomorrow.

And now it’s after 11 already. *sigh* How does that happen?! Time to sleep, more work in the morning. I think I’m going to have to take a look at my schedule to cut back some hours here and there. Not sure this schedule is sustainable while I’m pregnant. But, then again, there are many times when being busy and occupied is good. I just need to find a good balance.