Ectopic.
So, as most of you have seen on twitter… those of you who suggested ectopic… DING DING DING, you win. It’s in my right tube.
I woke up this morning feeling very very bloated. Like, bad. I kept thinking gas, it’s got to be gas. I drank gingerale and water and tried to poop or fart or throw up or *anything* to relieve the pressure. Didn’t work. I kept telling myself, it’s just gas, it’s just gas.
At my appointment they got me right back. I thought they must have been prepared for me, they’re never that quick. I quickly ran through everything – the bleeding, the bloating, the achy back and “ovary” area. She said, “Well let’s just see what’s going on.” Got my feet in the stirrups, ultrasound wand in, scanned quickly. I saw her measuring my uterus. It looked empty. She said, “I’m sorry, honey, I don’t have good news. It’s ectopic.” She moved the wand and there was a little circle, not in the uterus. Fuck. Fuck.
I mean, really. Yesterday I sat down and went over the statistics logically. I was probably freaking out needlessly. Stressed, worried, pregnant and gassy. Worst-case scenario, I said, was that it’s ectopic. But I mean, that’s the least likely scenario. I researched it… IVF ectopics happen in like .5-3% of IVF pregnancies, from some sources. It happens, but not likely. And I’m paranoid, right?
Oh we should be playing the fucking lottery.
I cried a little, sure I did. Frustration and disappointment and all kinds of crap. But, I knew it, didn’t I. I knew it in my heart. When she first said, “Ectopic,” I just nodded. I knew it wasn’t right.
This is why I’ve been bleeding the whole time. My body is confused. My uterus is empty, so it tries to bleed, but my hcg is up, so it doesn’t. This is actually a huge relief to me. I knew something was wrong. My body doesn’t do that for no reason. I knew SOMETHING was wrong, I just didn’t know what. Even if it was just a subchorionic hematoma, I just wanted to know what it was, why it felt wrong. So this at least answers that. This reassures me that my body wasn’t just bleeding for the hell of it. (And that next time if I start bleeding I’m heading into the office RIGHT NOW.)
Also, this is why I’m so bloated right now… she said fluid is leaking out the end of my tube into my abdominal cavity.
I asked if the baby had developed normally. She said no… there was a sac, but it wasn’t measuring right, no heartbeat…. probably because it wasn’t allowed to grow properly in the tube. That made me feel relieved. It would be ten times worse if they had to remove a baby with a beating heart. A hundred times worse.
She got the doctor in the room. He patted my knee sadly and said he was sorry. He shook his head and said with a sigh, “You called it, didn’t you.” He looked over everything with the ultrasound. When we got dressed he came in to talk to me about it all. At first I thought they’d just give me a shot to induce a miscarriage, but they need to do surgery to remove it. Dr said he *could* try to remove just the pregnancy tissue and leave the tube intact, but that creates scar tissue and *increases* the risk of another ectopic. My thoguhts: a) hell no and b) I don’t need my fucking tube. So I nodded enthusiastically and he set to scheduling the surgery. A laparoscopy, by the by. Might be a larger incision than last time, though.
So. I hurt more now, physically.. the pain is definitely getting worse. If I hadn’t been thinking something was wrong before now, I most certainly would be today. I want it all gone. I look forward to being put out.
More pissed off than anything. Totally, utterly pissed. But not really surprized. I think I’ve been grieving in bits and pieces for 2 and a half weeks. Grieved a little when I started bleeding, grieved more yesterday when I just let it all loose. And I never really gained that back. I never really fully believed. I wanted to, I tried to, but I didn’t.
And, like Den said after we found out, “I really wish you weren’t always right.” Me too. Me too. I so wanted to be wrong.
Im so sorry, no words can comfort you through this….
I am SO sorry to hear this. Love and hugs. My thoughts are with you and Den.
xx
I’m just a lurker, but I always check in, hoping that you will have good news. I’m really sorry that it still eludes you. It’s not fair, but I am still rooting for you.
I just had a humongous cry (took Arno completely by surprise).
I just can’t express how angry I am at this point. From that post up there it seems you are taking it better than I am over here – but then again, it’s like you say, you knew it was wrong from the start. I just foolishly kept believing they’d prove you wrong.
I just – I mean … what kind of fucking cosmic joke is this, to play two such freak occurances on you?
So – does this diminish your chances in any way? That is what I was afraid of initially, but from what you post it doesn’t necessarily have to be?
I’m a lurker too, and am so sorry to hear of this loss. The Universe needs to give you a big assed break.
I wish you weren’t always right, too. I’m glad that you’re having good and prompt care, and you are in my thoughts.
Really pissed off lurker. All I have to say is fuck….. that and I’m so sorry.
No words….
Really…
Just a Huge Hug
I just can’t believe it. I am so very sorry. This is so unfair….
Cursing this fucked up universe with you!!
Long time lurker here…
I’m so sorry Natalie. There really isn’t much else to say is there?
I’m another lurker, angry and sad for you.
It’s not fair, and I’m so sorry.
Darn it all, I am so sorry. I was really hoping this would work for you…
*hugs to both of you* Sorry doesn’t even begin to cover it.
Oh my goodness! I am so sorry. I can’t believe it. I wish there was more I could say. x
I am so sorry for what you are going through physically and emotionally, but I am glad that they are getting you right in for the surgery today. I am really shocked that it was ectopic being an ivf cycle from what I have read and researched for myself in the past. You are in my thoughts today during your surgery.
A positive from all this crap you are going thru is that they were able to see the sac in the tube and you didn’t have to wait more time for them to figure out what is going on. Sometimes if the hcg isn’t high enough they can not see anything.
I did the methotrexate (nasty drug) for my first ectopic but it only has a 60% chance of working and my hcg still increased. The pregnancy still continued and my hcg was up past 11,000. My tube ruptured which equaled emergency surgery and I lost my right tube. And lots of bleeding before and after. The physical recovery from the blood loss was the worst part. As far as the actual surgery, the most uncomfortable I felt from it was the gassiness but not necessarily the three little incisions from the laproscopy.
My second ectopic they did the methotrexate twice and it worked. But not knowing what my body was doing and 14 blood draws later, it was hell. The could not see anything on the ultrasound but my hcg was fluctuating. The pregnancy disolved but I and the doctors will never know where the ectopic actually was.
This is just so unfair. Sending you lots of (((Hugs))))
I love you and think about you always and still know in my heart that the universe will one day stop fucking around with you although I really really really want to go apeshit on the universe right about now. I know hope and faith and miracles seems like such bullshit right now… they do even to me watching you go thru this… but I absolutely simply cannot let my mind believe that two people as wonderful as you and Den will not have your precious baby.
Fuck. This blows, Natalie. I’m so sorry.
Well. This here is just some fucked up shit. Don’t know what else to call it. I’m glad they’re taking good care of you, at least.
I am so PISSED and mad and sad for you too. Nothing else I can say. You deserve so much more than this.
I am always thinking of you, Den and Devin and praying for your family.
I am so sorry you have to go through any more loss. I really am. Thinking of you and Den.
Sending hugs to both you and Den.
I wish you weren’t right about this as well. I’m so sorry for your loss and so mad that this has happened. I’m thinking about you.
So sad. :( It seems so random and reasonless, I still can’t wrap my head around it. I am very sorry, and Travis & I are thinking of you guys.
I’m so very sorry. So so so very sorry!
De-lurking to say no! no! no! Fuck. Not fair at all.
Oh Natalie, I am so sorry that you are going through this. And I’m angry at the universe. This is so fucking unfair.
There are no words, no sentiments that can adequately express your pain and my sorrow in hearing your news today. I hope the surgery goes smoothly and you recover quickly.
Oh Natalie, that is so, so shitty. I am really sorry.
I’m sorry hun. I have been lurking after some of your symptoms were mimicing my ectopic last fall, I really didn’t want you to have to go through it. Glad you will do the tube removal, it will resolve a lot faster than mtx shot. If there is a “glad” in all this.
Where’s our free fucking pass, where already.
xoxox
I’m a lurker from the April 08 PR. I’m so mad for you. I don’t understand how something with such a slim chance had to happen to you of all people. You, Den, and Devin are in my thoughts every single day.
I am so very sorry.
There are no words to express my sorrow! I just knew this was going to be it for you. And I’m so pissed off FOR you. It just isn’t fair, so there’s no other way to be, except for pissed!
Just crying for you babe. :(
I am so sorry. :(
My thoughts are with you. So very sorry for your loss.
I am a lurker – so very very sad for you.
I am so, so sorry, and cannot believe how unfair this is. Enormously, intensely PISSED that you have to go through this. I wish that I had more words. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I’m in tears for you.. I’m so sorry.
Daaaaammmmnitt!
I am so sorry.
I’m just so sorry. Thinking of you and Den. And sending lots of hugs.
I am so so so terribly sorry.
I just saw where “birds and squirrels” had mentioned on her blog that you were going through an ectopic.
I am so sorry, I only know too well the horrible issues that surround an ectopic and the surgery to remove the tube. Please know that as you go through this you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
You have so much support out here in the blog world, and if you have any questions regarding an ectopic, I hope I can help.
Take Care – Tina
I am so very sorry to hear your news; I just hope that everything works out for you in the near future. Good luck with everything, and here’s to some good news for you! :)
No. No no no nononononono!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Where is the justice in the world!? Where?
I’m so sorry. And pissed off for you.
Sending you so much love and strength to get through…
I’m just in utter shock. I had prayed and hoped this was going to be it for you this time. I’m so very, very sorry. You are still in my thoughts and prayers.
I’m so sorry. Hugs to you both.
/me hugs.
I’m so sorry.
God Damn, i’m so pissed and miserable for you. What a total bunch of bull shit. I’m so so sorry. so disappointed. This blind-sided me. I’m just don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry Natalie.
So, so sorry…I was just thinking yesterday about how nice it is to read your blog and hear you sounding almost hopeful. And now to hear this…I must say that you’re handling it better than most of us in the April 08 PR. *Hugs*, Nat. I wish there was something we could do for you.
Fuck fuck fuck. I am so so sorry Natalie. This is so unfair!!
So sorry!!!! I was praying so hard for you!!! I will keep doing so. I hope you heal and recover very quickly!!!!!!
Oh Nat I’m so sad to read this. It sure does suck to be on the wrong side of the statistics so often. :(
Oh, Natalie, I am so sorry! My heart goes out to you and Den.
Aw, fuck Natalie! I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I’m just so so sorry.
I wish you had been wrong too. :( I’m so sorry, Natalie. :(
I too wish you had been wrong. hugs you tight
I am so sorry!
I’m really sorry, Nat. That is just awful.
I am so so sorry, wish you were wrong
Fuck.
I am so very sorry.
I am so sorry.
Thanks Den for the Twitter updates!
Nat, I’m so sorry to read this, I really am. I was hoping that everything was going to be fine but something in your words the other day, I just thought that your instinct unfortunately might prove to be true, it’s amazing how well we know our bodies and we just KNOW when something’s not right.
Big hugs….
xxxxx
Oh Nat, I’m so sorry.
I’m so very sorry Natalie. It’s just so un-fucking-believable that you fell in that tiny shitty percentage. Prayers and hugs for you and Den.
I am so sorry. I wish you were wrong too.
Oh Nat, I am devastated for you. I wish you were wrong. You are so in tune with your body though, which I guess can be a blessing in disguise. I am shedding some tears for you right now. This is all so unfair.
So, so sorry about this tragedy. I really can’t believe this is happening.
I’m so sad for you Natalie. :( Please let me know if you need anything and I will be at your doorstep as fast as I can. xoxo
Damnit! I’m so sorry. :-( I hope your recovery is at least easy. You’ve had to go through way too freakin’ much! :-(
FUCKIN HELL..argh sooo upset and soo pissed…take care hun
I’m so sorry.
I am so sorry. This really, really sucks.
Well, fuck. What else is there to say? I am so incredibly sorry this is happening to you.
i’m so sorry Nat.
No words – as there usually aren’t in these situations.
Oh, Natalie. That just sucks so badly. I am so sorry.
Hugs.
i am really sorry. it just fucking sucks.
so, so sorry.
Damn.
I am so sorry Natalie. (((HUGS))) Having had an ectopic (in November 2005), I know how much it sucks, especially when it isn’t your first pregnancy loss. I too often feel like with all the times I have had rare and unusal diagnoses with pregancies that I should play the lottery. Again, I am soooo sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers. (((HUGS)))
Oh! I’m so very sorry Natalie. I hope your surgery and recovery go well. Best wishes.
I’m so very sorry *hug*
I am so, so sorry.
No mother deserves this, least of all you. You’re in my thoughts.
I’m so sorry. Discovered your blog recently, and you have all my good wishes and sympathies.
I’m so sorry. This really sucks and it’s so damn unfair that this should happen to you :(
My last comment seems to have got lost, or maybe I missed it, but I just wanted to say again how terribly sorry I am. My heart is broken for you Natalie. Wishing you nothing but the best for this hard road ahead. I wish you only good things from now on.
*hugs* I’m so sorry. It’s so unfair :(
Oh Nat, I rarely comment but I follow your story every day.
I am so, so sorry for you. I , along with so many others “out here” wanted this to work for you so badly. Sorry, just so, so sorry.
There are no words. I’m so sorry.
S X
Oh, Nat. I am so so sorry. I just hate that you’re having to go through this. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto. My sorrow for you and Den right now is beyond words.
My heart breaks for you and Den.
Natalie sweetie –
I cant not express how sorry I am – words cant describe it…Ugh..Im soooooo sorry….
Life is a total bullshit ride something. Total bullshit.
I’m so very sorry. I wish there was something more meaningful I could say.
Oh Nat, I am so so so sorry.
I’m so sorry. I’ve only just read this. You’re in my prayers *hugs*
I am so sorry…that really sucks. I didn’t see this news until now.
AHhh…fuck. I’m so sorry. Thinking about you…
xoxo
I am so sorry….. I don’t know you personally but have been reading your blogs. A mutual friend gave me your address and I feel your pain on everything going on. I am still waiting to start my first treatment of IUI or IVF. My FSH levels are too high and they haven’t been able to start treatment. I ask myself every day WHY ME.
I will be praying for you every day.
Nat,
This comes very late, but I’ve just finished catching up on your blog and I had to say: I am so, so sorry. Bad reproductive luck, indeed. Keeping my fingers crossed for you that June will be your month. XO.
I’m so sorry for your losses. I was guided to your blog by other baby loss moms. My first pregnancy ended in an unexplained stillbirth at 41 weeks with my daughter. I just lost my second pregnancy because it was ectopic. My baby was still alive though. I saw and heard it’s little heartbeat the same day they did the surgery to remove the baby and my left tube. These lovely ladies sent me here because you are pregnant and to tell me to still have hope. I’m so happy for you and pray you will have a happy ending. I hope you don’t mind me stopping by.
xo
Ashley