I am surprizingly not in much pain. I do have to help myself sit up. And there were times last night when my belly button was itching almost painfully. But laying in bed I do not feel much. Just still bloated. I can feel the bandages on my belly, covering the incisions. I think they are bothering me more than the incisions.

I was in far more pain yesterday before my surgery. That night I posted that something was feeling wrong, it was just pressure. In the morning before my appointment I was walking tenderly, trying not to jostle anything. By the time we drove to the hospital for my surgery I was gasping every time the car hit a little bump, hand clenching the car door for stability. I walked hunched over, very very carefully. Just laying in the hospital bed, waiting for the doctor to arrive, was an act in meditation. Of course he was delayed an hour.

Apparently the anesthesiologists have nothing to do during the day. First the one who was going to be in the OR with me came by and went over all the paperwork and “Do you have any allergies? Have you ever had any bad reactions to anesthesia?” questions. All was in order, just waiting for the doctor. He left. About 15 minutes later, another anesthesiologist came by and said she was going to go over some paperwork. She asked me the same questions. And then said, “Oh, so-and-so already talked to you? Okay then, guess you don’t need me!” and left. Half an hour later… another anesthesiologist came over and rifled through all the papers yet again, asking me the same damn questions, and then walked off without a word (WTF?). I looked at Den and said they must be really bored.

I really didn’t like having that extra hour. I tried to nap, but was too uncomfortable and the pre-op area was bright, with nurses talking and working. It was in that hour that I started worrying. I really didn’t care too much about losing my tube, but what if something went wrong during the surgery? What if I lose my ovary? Or… worse? I reassured myself that it was, in many ways, a routine surgery… it wasn’t a rupture, it wasn’t some completely strange case… the doctor has removed plenty of tubes in his years. But I was still really wishing they could put me out already.

Finally my Dr showed up, someone put some drugs in my IV, and the nurse wheeled me down the hall. I was waiting for the drugs to kick in, but they didn’t damnit. Into the OR, got me to scoot carefully over to a different bed, arms out to the sides, stickers on me everywhere, warm blankets. And still I’m looking around quite lucidly. Finally they must have kicked in the heavy stuff and welcomed the deep sleep.

Afterwards I didn’t come awake all at once. I could hear nurses chattering beside me. I thought I heard something about “ruptured ectopic” and I was confused… and worried. But my mind wasn’t all that with it and I fell back asleep. When I woke up the next time I felt much clearer. I got the shivers really bad… they kept asking if I was cold, but I wasn’t, I was just shivering uncontrollably. I realized – though they probably did not – that it was a reaction to the drop in hormones, just like after giving birth… I did the same thing after Devin was born. It took about 15 minutes, but finally it calmed down and went away.

They gave me some ice chips and then called Den down from the waiting room. He greeted me with a soft kiss and I of course immediately asked him what the doctor had told him, did it rupture? He looked puzzled. No, the doctor didn’t say anything like that. He said it all went quite well. Tube was removed through my belly button incision (which is probably why it’s bugging me more than the others – he had to make it a little bigger). Everything else is intact. So I have no idea if a nurse said something incorrectly or if my mind was just playing on my fears while I was drifting in and out. I felt so relieved.

We went home shortly after. The nurse took me by wheelchair to the front door, I eased into the car and Den drove me home. It feels good to be in my bed with my laptop. I have the week off work, on doctor’s orders, so I can just lay here and rest and let my poor belly heal up. It’s still a little bloated, but nothing painful like it was yesterday. I am very used to being bloated, but not like that.

Den said it was just so weird how my ultrasound was scheduled that day… the day that it got BAD. If I hadn’t had something scheduled that morning I would have been rushing in regardless. Tuesday I was not sure that something was really wrong… Wednesday I was pretty sure there was. I mean, I still held out hope that it was normal. I still was waiting for them to say that it was okay. I didn’t really want to believe that it wasn’t.

The strangest thing is that we – both Den and I – feel a little bit… relieved. I’ve been writing about a little of what I’ve been going through, but trust me when I say it was much worse in my head. Now we know that wasn’t normal…. that next time it SHOULD NOT be that bad…. I should not be bleeding, I shoud not be freaking out every single fucking day. I told Den, on the days when I didn’t bleed at all I was really quite happy and hopeful. Even despite our previous loss, which will of course make pregnancy more stressful no matter what, that bleeding, that feeling that something was very wrong, was above and beyond what I would expect in terms of fear and paranoia. Next time we’ll get a fresh start. Next time we’ll get a healthy pregnancy.

And we won’t have to wait too long. My doctor just called to see how I was doing. He said the lap is a pretty easy procedure to perform, and easy to heal from. He wants to wait one cycle and one normal period, but then we can probably start protocol for another FET, so June.

He also talked to me about the procedure and how it went. The embryo implanted not just in my tube, but all the way at the end in the fibula. What the fuck? How does that even HAPPEN? My tube was quite swollen. This explains why my ovary was bothering me – it must have been pressing right against it. But he said that my ovaries looked fine, my left tube looked fine. And also he saw no adhesions or signs of endometriosis.

So. Now we just wait a month. I’ll be working on my garden, like last year. I have some peas to plant.