I am really lucky to have so many people checking up on me, wanting to make sure I’m okay. I really really appreciate all of your kind words of support.

I’m fine. Not great. But not terrible, either. I’ve been through hell already… this feels more like a speedbump. Another delay, another failure… but it is NOWHERE near the level of devastation of losing Devin. Not even close. It’s all perspective, I guess. If this had happened first I think it would have knocked me out in grief and fear.

I was very careful not to think about the pregnancy as a baby yet – because I wasn’t sure there WAS a baby. People would look at me funny and say, “But of course there’s a baby,” and I would hesitate and say, “It’s not a given.” Until I saw something on the ultrasound I just couldn’t really commit myself to this whole baby thing in anything but an abstract mode. Not with the bleeding, the light HPTs and low betas. It could have been just fine… but I was just going to wait and see.

So for me, for us… I think we really did mentally prepare ourselves for this. It just doesn’t feel like a huge shock.

And there are a lot of positives, too… oh yes, I’m walking away with a lot of positives here.
* I only lost my tube, which I don’t need for IVF. My ovaries and uterus are intact and healthy.
* My tube did not rupture. I can’t imagine that kind of pain, plus it would put my own life in danger.
* I’m thankful that the loss happened early on in the pregnancy, and not later.
* We know I can get pregnant again.
* We have a chance at a fresh slate… a healthier pregnancy next time.
* We know an FET can work and we have one more embryo in the freezer.
* We only have to wait out one cycle.

We are, obviously, upset… frustrated… disappointed. Another loss, another setback. There have been times today when I can feel the sadness creeping in… at having that hope and joy so briely and having it taken away. But I kind of pushed it away. I’m not ready to cry yet. I think my stomach would hurt to sob, so I’ll just ignore it for right now.

Physically I don’t feel too terrible. My main incision is definitely bugging me if I move the wrong way… just laying here is great, I don’t notice a thing. But I can’t just sit up… I have to roll to my side and push myself up. I’m also still quite bloated… although part of that is because it hurts to use my stomach muscles at all, so it’s all just hanging out there. I walk around with a hand carefully holding my belly. I haven’t peeked under the bandages yet, but I know the bellybutton incision is bigger than it was for my last lap.

I didn’t really get much gas pain this time, which has been great. But I am noticing it in my ribs a little bit, for some reason. If I’ve been upright for too long I can’t take full, deep breaths. And my shoulder will start aching just a teeny tiny bit. So I just lay down for a while and I’m fine.

I’m definitely glad I don’t have to work, I just couldn’t imagine trying to navigate up and down from my chair every 5 minutes like we normally do. I’m good with sitting still… not so good with moving around.

So I’m kind of in this weird place. Yesterday in the hospital, being admitted, being wheeled into an OR… all during a day that I should have been at work. It was just so very strange. Like I stepped out of my life for a day, again. Just a little step, this time, but still. And now I am at home, in bed, where I will be for several days. I am really glad I have this time off. Before my ultrasound I was trying to figure out how I would handle it if we had a miscarriage, would I take time off? Would I be allowed to? The surgery thing kind of decided it or me.

But going back to work is going to suck… especially since my coworker is pregnant. This is precisely what I was afraid of. Hopefully I am pregnant again in a couple months, before things start getting really hard.

Oh, and here’s the kicker… I’m not bleeding much at all. That just figures. I guess it’ll take a couple of days for my body to figure it out. I think it will just be a normal period… since there is nothing else in my uterus… it was all removed with my tube.

Now I’m looking ahead and hoping they will let me start the birth control pill when I get my period. I’m fine with waiting out a cycle, but given what my cycles were doing before we started the IVF, and the fact that I just lost a pregnancy, I have no idea if my body would ovulate on time. And I honestly just don’t want to waste any more time. I’d rather be on the pill and not have to worry about it.