Back to Reality
I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning… or maybe I finally woke up in reality. But I’m feeling kind of grouchy and wondering what the hell is up. (Not that I don’t know what is going on, but… you know.)
I was expecting two calls today, didn’t get either. I kept checking my voicemail, nothing. It left me wondering if I had the right day, is my phone not working, do I smell funny?
I have a headache this evening, and the bleeding has started… I could feel it coming all day. Hormone levels must be crashing, the lack of fake estrogen and progesterone plus the sudden removal of all the cause of the HCG has got to lead to a nice big nosedive. No cramping yet, though… kind of odd. I wonder if it will get worse. I’m glad I have the weekend off, just in case it does.
My belly button is still quite uncomfortable. I’m feeling a little better about moving around, but it’s definitely still reminding me I’ve got a big incision in it. I have not peeled any of the bandaids off yet… to be honest seeing any kind of healing things just makes me gag a little. I may replace the bandaids on the lower incisions, but I have no desire to peek under the big one.
I wonder how quickly these will heal up. It makes me a little sad, knowing that my next pregnancy’s belly pictures are going to have these scars on them. :( I know it’s not the end of the world, but it just feels so wrong. I guess Den was right… no bikini for me this summer.
I’m slowly starting to come back to the real world and realizing that tomorrow is the start of the weekend… weekends were supposed to be my celebration days, a new week of pregnancy. I wonder when I’m going to stop counting. I wonder if, in December, I will stop to remember the date. In a way I really just want to forget. Not forget that it happened, but forget all the future “dates” that will never come to be, because it’s not important anymore. Like every time an IVF cycle fails, I delete the pregnancy calendar that could be and start a new one with the new dates. This one I just got to spend a little bit more time believing in… it will be harder to move past.
I think it’s a fine line for me to walk. I don’t want to ignore it and pretend it didn’t happen, because obviously that’s not how I function. But I also don’t want to give this loss more weight compared to the other challenges I’ve been through. And I’m talking mentally here… how I percieve this, how I portray it to others.
Here I am again, hand resting gently on my belly, knowing there lays an empty womb below it. And for a fact it has been empty all along, but for a little while I thought it wasn’t. While not too surprizing, it is still so very sad. We thought we had something… but we didn’t.
I’m so sorry! You wear your bikini with pride! Those are battle scars, not something to be ashamed of!
((HUGS))
It is sad Natalie. And my heart is sad for you and Den. Keep moving forward though. It is your turn for good things to happen. And it has been for some time.
Natalie, I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. I wish there was a way to change it. Just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts.
Pfft you can still wear a bikini. My surgery scars don’t stop me. ;)
Your wee one, for reasons I will never understand needed no room in your womb, but you gave this babe all the room they could need in your heart, and I suspect that’s why it hurts so bad. I’m sorry Nat. Really sorry.
*hugs* You did have something, if but for a moment. And we give our children our heart – we may grow more for the future, but that doesn’t make the hole that’s left any less painful.
I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. I don’t really know what else to say, I am just so sorry that you are having to experience yet another loss. You are in my thoughts.
I’m so sorry mate. I just read what happened.
I’m with the poster and battle scars. F#ck everything else.
Thinking of you …
xx
Oh, Natalie- I’ve been off in my own world for a while and just caught up with everything. I am so, so sorry.
I know this isn’t really what your post was about, and my heart aches for everything you both are going through. But as for the scars — after I had my laparoscopic appendectomy last August, I used lots of vitamin E and kneaded the scars to keep adhesions from building up. And now, less than a year later, it’s almost impossible to tell where the scars are. I was shocked!
I hope the gorgeous weather is providing some comfort to you right now. Be gentle with yourself this weekend.
I am just catching up with your blog and am so very sorry to hear what has happened to you. You have endured more than any one person should have to. I know there are no words to make you feel better. You are in my thoughts…
Hey Natalie,
Just wanted to drop by and let you know that you’re in my thoughts. Big *HUGS*, honey.
It is sad, Natalie. I understand your struggle to balance this loss and place it in the context of all you’ve lost before this. I hope you still give yourself time to grieve this. You did have something. It couldn’t continue on, but you did have something. I’m so sorry it didn’t turn out differently. Sending you many hugs.
I am so sorry for your loss. I have been thinking about you ever since the world lost Devin, and hope you finally get to have some happiness come your way.
Hey babe. My internet was down the past week, so I didn’t know what had happened. I’m so sorry. I wish I knew what to say. I’m just so damn sorry.