Some days you just want to melt down
No meltdown yet. I kind of wish it would just happen, as I’m wound really freaking tight and am being a major pain in the ass to poor Den, who I think has taken to tip-toeing around the house. Everything irritates me. It’s like I’m just on sensory overload right now. Maybe I could use one of those fancy padded rooms.
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What I have been through physically in the past several years… I never would have thought I could handle that like I am. But there I am laying in a hospital bed in pre-op, the nurse asking me, “What’s your pain level?” and I think for a minute and say, “A five… ouch! Maybe a six.” “Do you want something for the pain?” “Nah… I’ll be fine as long as I just lay still. Just don’t have me moving around or anything.” In a way I was glad to have something physical to focus on right then.
I took my bandages off today. The lower ones are very small incisions and will probably give me scars similar to what I had before. The belly button, on the other hand… right now it looks pretty gross. And I totally forgot about the whole belly button sealing shut while healing. Gross!! I stuck another bandaid over it just so I don’t have to look at it. Yuck. I’ll just have to see how it looks after it heals up a bit. Also the other thing I forgot is the pain around the belly button from the gripper things they use. I have two nice little pinpricks that itch, and the entire area around it is red and sore. And itchy.
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I really want to start gardening. I should be used to sitting around doing nothing, since it’s one of my favorite pasttimes… but right now I have nothing to do except think about where I should be right now. I’m not going to be liking weekends for a while.
It is just so overwhelmingly frustrated to think you’re in a countdown… and then be back in limbo. More months waiting, wondering. Who knows if the next FET in June will work. And if it doesn’t? Then there’s another 2 month process of a stims cycle, which is so freaking stressful for us. And that’s, what, August? Fuck me.
I can’t say that I will ever be done with this process – I’m too damn stubborn to ever give up. But there are days, oh there are days, when I wonder just how much I can take.
It’s amazing the things we can make it through, when we never thought we could! You’ve been through so much that I know I could never make it through. Take it one day at a time!
You’re amazing Nat, truly.
I don’t know what else to say.
You’re a fighter. Keep fighting.
belly button incision can be a problem with infections, thankfully I didn’t get any but my incision was 11 inches long… right through my belly button.
I know you don’t like changing the bandages but make sure you do, and clean it really well.
Glad you’re doing ok, Nat!
It’s the first thing I said to Arno when you wrote about the ectopic. “How much can be dumped on one person?”
I was afraid you guys were ready to throw in the towel, and believe me, I would have completely understood if you had. To see you still fighting is amazing.
Just know that a whole lot of people have your back. You alone can go through this physically unfortunately.
*hugs tight*
Your strength is always inspirational. Wishing you speedy healing.
I have a friend who, when she feel breakdown-y, buys cheap plates from the dollar store, and then has a very satisfying session of break plates in her backyard. It always sounds like a good idea to me when I feel stressed — and your stress/emotion levels right now, I can’t imagine!
i am glad you are doing “okay”. I mean after all you have been through, you are right this is just a bump in the road but girl i don’t know how you do it…you are much stronger that i am…i just feel so helpless and emotional for you..i empathize with your situation..I shared with my co-workers at work about your story…and then they ended up asking how you were and they were so shocked about the outcome…you have alot of people wooting for you guys…it WILL happen..it HAS to.. and i think that’s why you have no given up just yet because you know it’s possible..You CAN get pregnant!!!You will..best of luck hun..hugz
I agree with the others. You have such strength and determination to carry on where others would have just given up, especially me. The fact that you are so determined not to let this get you down is inspirational to so many women, even those who haven’t gone through what you have had to. Keep on fighting and you will get what you so desire in the end. I’m keeping you in my prayers *hugs*
Uggg!!!! This is all so frustrating, I wish I could take the physical pain away.
Wishing you well, and admiring your perserverence.