My first trimester screening ultrasound is on Monday morning. I’m trying to stay positive. Trying. I flicker back and forth between being anxious and being excited.

::

Apparently the Tuesday and Thursday classes of my water fitness class have different instructors. Tuesday was kind of fun, kind of silly, a lot of movement, but not a lot of work. Thursday kicked my ass. I don’t think we actually stopped moving for the entire hour. But that wasn’t the hard part. We did a lot of arm work above the water… you know, holding your arms to the sides, jumping jacks, little circles, twisting… all without ever dropping your arms. They felt like they were going to fall off. And then later in the program we grabbed water dumbbells (dumbbells made of styrofoam to resist water) and did weightlifting against the water pressure. My arms – biceps, triceps and deltoids – HURT.

Unfortunately we did not do much actual moving around in the water or swimming type exericise. More muscle work, less aerobic. End result: I froze to death! Near the end of that hour we were doing a cool-down where you stretch your muscles, and I was standing there going through the motions shivering. Then we got out of the water, and that was cold too. It wouldn’t have been so bad if it weren’t for my boobs. You know how when you get really cold your nipples poke out more and contract? Well they are sensitive right now to start with and that hurt like hell! A hot shower was the most wonderful thing in the world after that.

Can’t say I’m currently a huge fan of water fitness in the winter. Glad I’ll be missing every other Thursday (due to a rotating work schedule).

::

So in my exercise class I was reminded to take extra care with stretching too far and pulling something, as my ligaments are all looser than normal. I’ve been careful. Exercise class was fine.

But then last night I kept getting up to throw up (even though there was nothing to throw up). During one of those lovely sessions I must have pulled a ligament. Ow. I noticed it when walking out to my car in the morning, and then all day at work I was hobbling around. It was low in my belly, more to my left side (but some on the right as well), stretching down where my left leg attaches. I even took some tylenol today – I don’t normally take anything for aches and pains. If I feel something is “off” I like to sit and figure out where it’s coming from, and use the pain to tell me what to do to let it heal. This time I knew exactly what it was, and unfortunately I was at work so I couldn’t just lay down.

By the time I came home the tylenol had worn off so I ate some food and took a nap. Thankfully I woke up feeling much better, at least there. Even when I know what it is, it’s still disconcerting to have any kind of pain around the belly region.

::

I think hormonal is a good word for me right now. I’ve been feeling very bitchy, very cranky. I think I’ve mostly managed to keep it under wraps until I can vent to Den about all the stupid shit of the day. Normally things don’t bother me half this much, but the last few days have just been cranky. The way people say things, how my drawer keeps sliding open, the dog barking, the cat following me around…. I wish I had some kind of warning sign so everyone would give me a wide berth. I hate feeling like this! I greatly prefer feeling all peaceful and serene, but it is so not happening right now.

Tired.

Still nauseated, very nauseated.

Very thankful that I am nauseated, that I am still pregnant another day.

There are many days that I drape myself over the toilet, holding my hair back with one hand, tears running from my eyes from the force of my stomach, and still I say, “Thank you… thank you for telling me you are still there.

And I am very sorry that my eating choices have sucked lately. I’m doing what I can, given the circumstances.”

I know part of it is being among a bunch of women in their first trimester. But it’s more than that. There has been so much bad news lately. Some from people I just “met” online a couple of weeks ago, whom I know nothing about. In large due date clubs you unfortunately learn to expect miscarriages… it’s far too frequent. Now is the time that the “normal” pregnancies start having their first appointments, first check-ups…. and sadly some of them do not come home with good news.

But just as many have been with friends, people I’ve known since I lost Devin, since before I even conceived Devin. And those, those are rocking my world right now. Women who have already lost babies. I know loss is horrible no matter what, but fuck, how many times do some people need to go through it? Early labor, chromosomal defects, no heartbeat, blighted ovum…. shit, so many fucking things. I have sobbed for people I don’t even really talk to.

I am paranoid as hell today. I cling to good news like an anchor.

So tonight was my first water fitness class. It was pretty much what I was expecting – though it was in the big (read: COLDER) pool, instead of the nice warm kiddies swim lessons pool.

First lesson: DO NOT SHOWER BEFORE CLASS. This is because a) no one else showers, even though it clearly states all swimmers must shower before entering, and b) the class started late and there was a class in the pool before me so I had to stand there all wet and shivering for 10 minutes. (And NO the pool did not feel warmer after freezing my ass off – it was still cold.)

Next thing I noticed, once I got in the water and started doing the warm-up exercise (jogging on the spot) and started noticing things more than “Aggh! Cold!”: my belly bounces! My first thought was, holy crap, it’s so big already the baby is bouncing! And then I sadly realized… no, Natalie, that’s not the baby, that’s your belly fat bouncing. How did I know? Because my ass was bouncing too. Ugh. Ugh. Very distracting.

So we had a nice hour of bouncing around, moving our limbs, and generally behaving like extremely uncoordinated idiots. I swear, I think my baby looks more graceful. But I actually warmed up, and starting feeling my arms and legs aching a little bit – just enough to know I was, you know, actually using them. Baby steps, people.

It was when I got out that I was all like, ugh, my belly aches too. I rubbed it a little and then was like, WTF, why is it all firm? What is wrong with me?? Until I realized…. holy shit those are my stomach muscles I am feeling. Wait, I still have some? Seriously? (I came home and told Denis this story and he said with a very straight face, “Who’d you buy them from?” Ahahaha. Ha.)

And thus was the first episode in Natalie hasn’t exercised in nearly a year, because she claims she doesn’t want to mess up an IVF cycle but in reality she’s just a really lazy shit who has some paranoia issues.

::

Do I even mention how the morning went, when I discovered that I had the truck in the driveway (which I needed today) but couldn’t find the truck keys? And then realized I had left the truck keys IN THE CAR? Which was of course at my husband’s office with him all the way across town?

No. No, I think we’ll skip that one.

How far along? 11 Weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 131.2 (-0.2 week) (+1.0 total)

Maternity clothes? I am wearing some over-belly pants now, along with my under-belly. I’m not in maternity shirts though, I just bought some longer sweaters.

Stretch marks? Nope.

Sleep: Usually pretty good – other than the vivid dreams and waking up drenched in sweat every morning. Peeing at 2am every morning still.

Best moment this week: Seeing my baby again! Oh my gosh, 10 weeks is amazing, it looks so much like a baby now, rather than a blob!

Movement: Not feeling any, but I saw it moving on the ultrasound!

Food cravings/aversions: Craving candy and sweets more and more – I really need to stay on top of it to prevent myself from putting on 50lbs in candy weight! Chicken is turning me off, but I’m missing deli meats in a bad way. Fruits and veggies are big hits too – especially veggies with peanut butter or ranch dressing.

Belly Button in or out? In, but stretched.

What I miss: Eating without worrying if I’m going to puke it back up!

What I am looking forward to: My 12-week ultrasound next week! I really want to see baby again.

Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy the brief breaks in nausea as much as you can without freaking out that symptoms are disappearing. Because IT COMES BACK.

Milestones: Saw the baby move on ultrasound!

Symptoms: Still a lot of nausea, though less than it was a few weeks ago, it’s not all day long every day. My boobs have now filled out my larger bras – I’ve been wearing them for a few weeks now because they stopped fitting into my smaller ones, but they weren’t completely filling them out until now. Also just this week I’ve noticed that my bra underwire is starting to bother me – my ribs must be starting to spread a little bit. I’m willing to bet the underwire isn’t going to lost longer than another couple weeks. My bloat belly is significant and makes me look clearly pregnant (at least after I eat). I still get leg cramps now and then, but not daily like I was. I get sharp twinges from my ligaments on either side of my belly if I turn the wrong way too fast. My face is oily and breaking out, especially across my forehead, but washing twice a day seems to be keeping on top of it, mostly. I also note that my wrists have started aching at night if I bend them – the beginnings of pregnancy carpal tunnel.

Today I asked Den if we could go out for a quick dinner – nothing fancy or anything, just maybe a small local place. We ended up somewhere we’ve never been in before, even though it’s 5 minutes from our house. I looked over the menu for a long time, eying the sandwiches and wraps, but finally ended up ordering a pasta dish with shrimp and bacon. I actually tend to like shrimp in my pasta. It did say olive oil, which didn’t sound too appetizing, but eh, I’ll try it.

I was eating my salad when it arrived. I hadn’t even looked up from my salad when suddenly I sat up straight, eyes wide.
“You okay?” Den asked.
“Something just smells…” I leaned an inch closer to my pasta dish and sniffed. I think I may have turned green. Shrimp has never smelled so seafoody. And the big chunks of fatty, greasy bacon, all mixed in with oil in the poor pasta. I gagged.
“Uhh… Are you going to be able to eat that?” He watched me cautiously.

I took a small bite of pasta with a tiny bit of shrimp. It didn’t taste too awful, honestly. But the smell, oh my god the smell. I sat up straight for a few minutes, breathing in slowly (and leaning away from the dish), before excusing myself to run to the bathroom. I didn’t throw up – as soon as I got in the bathroom with the overwhelming smell of soap instead of shrimp, I was fine. I heard Den talking to the waitress.

I returned to my seat as the waitress took the pasta dish away to wrap up. “It’ll all be worth it,” she chuckled to me. “We’ll get this all wrapped up so you don’t smell it.” Den told me he’d ordered me the turkey wrap I had been looking at on the menu. When it arrived I ate it (well, half of it) without incident. Some fries, too, they were good.

But for the drive home I put the wrapped food on the floor – and pushed it as far away as I could with my feet. I also opened the window a crack.

I have never, in two pregnancies, reacted that way to a smell – food or otherwise.

::

There is an infertility conference coming up this Saturday that I was interested in going to – unfortunately I work until noon on saturdays (and the one session that I really want to go to is before noon), and I am already pregnant. Me being pregnant would not be an obstacle for me, as I am still very much infertile and we hope/plan to go through IVF again in the future. But I’ve noticed when looking at the schedule that a large part of the sessions offered focus on things like sex and intimacy during treatments, alternative therapies, stress management. While these are all very important topics that I think many of us can use when going through treatments, it is not what I am looking for right now. (They also have some “what to expect in your IVF cycle” type sessions, which at this point for me is simply laughable. I could GIVE that seminar.)

Maybe I’m in the minority, but I want info. The one session I wanted to go to was “Choosing The Best Embryo: What happens in the lab, how embryologists and clinicians interact to make decisions to choose the best embryos for success, and the prevention of multiple births.” What I see in my mind when thinking about a conference all about IVF is information on all the latest technologies and protocols; how and why they do what they do in the lab; comparisons of different protocols. I want the data, the facts, the science. Skip the “how to feel better” – I can do that on my own. What I CAN’T do is easily decipher medical journals, or delve into clinic data and trends. I don’t just want to know how my lab is going to treat me – I want to know what protocols they won’t use, and why. I want to know why they decide on a 5-day or 3-day transfer.

But then I know I’m not a typical patient. I know that the typical person who goes to this conference is probably new to IF, confused, and looking for some kind of clarification and direction. So what the hell do you do when you are far past confused and directionless, but most obviously not at the level of a medical professional? I’m the “advanced” IVFer.

Honestly I still have thoughts of pursuing a career in the field – for far more reasons than “I already know far too much about it anyways” (though that helps). I find it all fascinating. Plus I’ve been there, too many times, on the table, on the other end. I know how absolutely imperative it is that forward progress continues to be made in this field. I’m one of the ones with a “unique” problem, one of the first few successfully a new protocol that may end up helping hundreds of others – I know what an amazing feeling it is to know that something I did could cause so much good for people in my position, fighting the same battle.

I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know if wanting to go into this field – IF/IVF/Pregnancy – is just one of those phases that will pass by, or if it’s something I should seriously consider. I’d be excited at the prospect of going back to school in the future – if it didn’t cost so damn much that I don’t even know if it’s possible.

I know I want to keep learning – for my own sake, for others.

It’s too bad I can’t go to that conference.

Last night was our friend’s annual halloween costume party. Just getting a costume was a major pain in the ass this year. I of course had some whimsical idea of making a costume, but with how exhausted I’ve been that just didn’t come close to happening. Instead I found myself the day before the party in the mall, searching and being appalled. First of all, I’m am NOT fitting into any of THOSE costumes. And secondly, they are HOW much for a few pieces of cheap fabric?? Bite me. So I ended up going with my backup plan, buying cat ears and a tail, dressing in black, and painting my face. Meow. Much more comfortable.

I also took a nap before going, because I was sleep-deprived and very cranky. I told Den if he didn’t let me take a nap he’d want to send me home after half an hour. He wisely decided we could show up late to the party. It turned out to be a very good decision – I was actually in a good mood all evening! And we were able to stay until 10pm, when I really started to wilt.

It is very interesting being social now that we are “out” and I have a visible belly. We got a lot of very heartfelt congratulations and asking how I was feeling. It was so joyful, so celebratory.

But there were a lot of people we don’t really know very well, so we also got some, “Is this your first??” It’s so hard, because I honestly didn’t feel like bringing up a stillbirth last night. I was too happy, everyone was so excited, and I just didn’t want to throw cold water on it. After a pause Den and I said, “Yes…” and left it at that. The people around us who know the story just politely looked away and let us decide how to handle it. The moment was quickly forgotten by everyone else.

There were two other pregnant women there, and one with a 5 week old. We ended up sitting and chit-chatting about pregnancy, laughing over the silly things, bemoaning the nausea, and comparing to previous pregnancies – the other two pregnant women were also on their second pregnancy. I easily talk about my pregnancy with Devin in such a normal manner, and I just can’t – or maybe won’t – censor myself and pretend that it never happened, not in situations like that. One of them looked at me with maybe the tiniest bit of confusion in her eyes and said, “Is this your first?” “No, not my first pregnancy.” I honestly have no idea what she took it as – maybe she thought she was just confused and must have my older child with a babysitter tonight. Or maybe she took my subtle truth for what it was. I don’t know. I didn’t elaborate, and she didn’t ask me to.

Despite all that I did enjoy myself. I felt normal for a little while, joining in on the chit chat and laughing at the small childrens’ antics. Those who know our story are just so absolutely giddy at the fact that I am pregnant; those who don’t thought I was just a happy, normal pregnant woman. It was a night where I could almost forget, almost just relax and enjoy life. I felt happy, really really happy.

But it’s also so confusing. I looked around the room at all the happy parents, the children running, the pregnant bellies and newborn sleeping. I came home and just… wondered. How on earth does everyone else just go on about their lives as if it’s the most normal thing to have a baby? How are so many babies just conceived and born so easily, ending up walking and talking like it’s no big deal that this big fucking miracle occurred? While I can pretend for an evening that I am normal, I am not. I am wearing a costume at this party, a normal pregnant woman costume, but I come home and take it off. I walked over to Devin’s shelf and looked at his pictures. That is my normal. Dead babies and medical interventions. One of the pregnant women said how easy her second pregnancy has been, since she’s done it all before and knows what to expect. I didn’t respond. I didn’t tell her that my second pregnancy has been fucking terrifying.

Maybe next year we’ll be one of the lucky ones. Maybe we’ll be the ones holding the baby. I looked at those children and knew it was possible. It happens every day – normal babies, normal pregnancies. I have to believe it can and will be for me too.

Today was a beautiful, beautiful day. I got to see my baby again.

So today I am 10 weeks and 1 day, for my first OB appointment that involves an actual exam.

First a nurse brought me back to an exam room, had me pee in a cup and disrobe. She walks in and cheerfully asks, “Is this your first?” “No.” “Ohhh, you’ll have a houseful!” “No,” I answered again. She looked confused. I gestured to the file and wryly added, “First was stillborn.” “Oh….” Know how everyone mentions the big red sticker we should have on our charts? Why don’t they do that? But anyways, it didn’t upset me, just had me rolling my eyes. She took my BP (which was low, considering the anxiety involved in doctors appointments!) and my weight, asked about last pap. I told her how I’ve had a previous loss, I’ve had bleeding, I would prefer if no one messed around down there. No problems with that, she said they can always do it later.

Obviously she briefed the NP before she came in, I heard her rifling through my chart. No more incidents of that nature for the day. She introduced herself, asked about flu shots, did a quick breast exam. She said she knew I didn’t want a pap, and that was fine.

So then she mentioned trying with the doppler. “It’s very early,” she said, “but we might get lucky.” I know it’s really early.
“Just to warn you, if you can’t find it with the doppler, you’re going to have to send me over to reproductive for a quick scan.”
“Well, she might not be there, but we’ll see what we can do… hopefully we won’t need her!”
Uh-huh.

So she brings in the doppler on a cart thing, goops my belly, puts it down and starts searching around. Nope, nope, nope. Found a heartbeat…. she actually thought it might be the baby’s, it was almost fast enough (but I knew not fast enough), but of course she checked and that was MY heart that was racing. Did that a couple more times. My heartrate was wicked high. I didn’t feel panicky, but I could definitely feel the anxiety closing in. Too many memories of searching futilely for a heartbeat that was no longer there. I decided I really don’t like dopplers. So she says she’ll stop putting me through this any longer, told me to get dressed, and went off in search of the u/s tech.

And then another nurse came in to give me my h1n1 vaccine. I really couldn’t concentrate on shit right then. I watched as she pinched my arm and darted the needle in. “You didn’t even flinch!” I laughed at that. Needles don’t make me flinch anymore.

Finally the tech came to get me and lead me into one of the reproductive rooms with an ultrasound machine. “You know everything’s going to be fine, right?” she said with a smile. “Yep,” I replied. “I just need to see it.”

Cervix first, it’s looking as lovely as cervices can look in pregnancy – long and closed.

And then there baby was. Head, body, little limbs. It wiggled back and forth and turned over. I saw an arm move, a foot move. She pointed out the little bones forming. You could SEE them. Toes, little individual fingers, ribs, spine. So freaking amazing it is beyond words. I am absolutely amazed at the difference just 2 weeks makes. At 8 weeks it was just a little shapeless blob with buds. Now you can see it all forming, becoming a person, becoming a real baby. My eyes teared up. I could have layed there for hours watching the little one moving around. In fact I was so overwhelmed I didn’t even pay attention to the heart rate or CRL or anything! The heart is definitely beating, and baby has most definitely grown!

This is why I’m going through hell… and why I’ll go through it again and again.

How far along? 10 weeks!

Total weight gain/loss: 131.4 (+2.0 week) (+1.2 total) – note last week was quite low, this week is back to where I was, so not really a big change

Maternity clothes? All maternity pants. This week I’m preferring the over-belly style, the under-belly was feeling a bit uncomfortable.

Stretch marks? Nope.

Sleep: Better lately. Still a little restless, some nausea at nights (that one sucks), and a ton of wicked vivid dreams. Not about the baby, just random, weird dreams every single night.

Best moment this week:

Movement:

Food cravings/aversions: Okay. Craving chocolates and cookies. The sweet tooth is baaccckkkk. With Devin it didn’t return until my third tri, soooo this doesn’t bode well for keeping my weight gain down! Also eating a ton of oat nut bread, fruits, soups, cheese sandwiches.

Belly Button in or out? Innie

What I miss: Not living on 10 pills a day. Oh, wait, that’s been my life for years now.

What I am looking forward to: Getting a bigger belly. I’m lovin’ it.

Weekly Wisdom: Calm, uneventful weeks really are the best ones.

Milestones: 10 weeks, double digits!

Symptoms: Nausea still going strong. (Tuesdays for some reason are always a terrible day for nausea.) Not throwing up food though… just feeling gross all day and dry heaving. The leg cramps haven’t bothered me this week, but I know those will come back later. Face is breaking out. My breathing, did I mention that part? For weeks now it has felt like my lung capacity was cut in half… I’m wheezing at the top of the stairs. My tongue tastes funny… well, everything tastes funny, for that matter. I’ve got the mucous discharge thing going on, whoopdie-doo. Intestines and bowels still very slow moving. The belly is getting more pronounced, though it still feels like a lot of bloating. I’m a little edgy and emotional this past week, overreactive. Not weepy… bitchy.

(Look for the 10 week picture in the belly pics page sometime tomorrow evening or thursday.)

I know I’m late, but hang in there with me. This one is from last week.

How far along? 9 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 129.4 (-2.0 week) (-0.8 total)

Maternity clothes? Yep, pants, same as before.

Stretch marks? Nada.

Sleep: Crappy. The getting up to pee I can handle, but it’s the nausea keeping me up all night that is making me wicked cranky.

Best moment this week: I don’t know, was there a best moment? The ultrasound, probably. Seeing that the bubs is growing.

Movement: Nope, unless you count the indigestion gurgles.

Food cravings/aversions: What am I eating this week… Grilled cheese. A tiny bit of milk. Yogurt. Fruits. Some candy (oops).

Belly Button in or out? In, but getting flattened and stretched already.

What I miss: Not having freak-outs and bleeding episodes.

What I am looking forward to: Feeling movement so I can stop freaking out.

Weekly Wisdom: Unless the bleeding continues and is accompanied by cramps, everything is probably okay. Probably.

Milestones: Fourth ultrasound. Yeah. Also, told Den’s family the news.

Symptoms: Nausea nausea nausea. Not a lot of throwing up anymore, just feeling miserable. Then there’s the calf cramps I got all week (had to stop wearing any heels at all), the massively bad constipation, breaking out on my forehead, dry straw-like hair…. maybe that’s it. For now.