Never have I wanted so badly to live in a land of rainbows and roses. Where babies don’t die… and miscarriages happen to other people. Where you feel safe.

I find myself really pulling back from a lot of things, and intentionally surrounding myself with “normal” pregnant women. The due date groups with the chit-chatter about nurseries and names. I need that normal. I need that reassurance and calm.

But losses happen. Maybe not to people I know – though it is certainly more devastating when it is – but they happen. Being a stillbirth mama you hear about it, we all talk about it, try to reach out, try to help the newly bereaved. After I lost Devin I felt so very close to those newly bereaved, so emotionally invested, even when I knew nothing else about them. I wanted to help.

And now… I can’t. Emotionally, I can’t let myself go to that place, because if I do, I might just lose my calm about this current pregnancy. I feel bad about it, but I also take refuge in the knowledge that the others are there to step in, that someone will be there for that person to lean on. It just won’t be me this time.

I think at some point you know know too much. By banding together with other broken hearted families to heal, you also compile a kind of list in your head, of all the different ways a baby can die. Every new story I hear, I start worrying about that, too.

At one time I was very angry at those people who went through life believing that nothing bad could or would ever happen to them, completely unaware – or unwilling to accept – all those bad things lurking in the shadows. And now, now I’m just envious. I wish I could be them, if only for a little while.

But I can’t turn back time. All I can do is compartmentalize, surround myself with the happy stories, and really try to believe that most of the time everything is just fine.

Tonight as we ate dinner Den ended up watching Cars on the Disney channel, and so of course I got sucked into watching the last half with him. When the movie ended I stood up, rubbed my very overfull stomach, and said, “Well, I’m going to bed. Are you coming?”

Den stared at me, then pointed to the clock. “Umm, Nat. It’s 7:30.”

Well, what the fuck! It felt like 10pm! Screw it, I came to bed anyways. With my laptop. Cause I’m a total party pooper.

::

So. As of midnight I will be 13 weeks. 13 weeks. That means…. heading into my second trimester. Wow. And, well, YAY!

Today was a very rough day. And I don’t mean emotionally, I just mean it was physically exhausting! I’m normally exhausted by the time Saturday rolls around anyways, and really really look forward to noon when I get out of work for my weekend. But today I had to get up at 7am to go to work, then from work go to a non-profit fundraising event that I was volunteering at, that ended at 4. And then we had a family obligation party this evening – and by that I mean “I know no one there, and my husband recognizes maybe 3 people, but it means a lot to my MIL that we’re there.” So we went. Thankfully we ended up going a little late to that, because I fell asleep curled up in my recliner and Den just let me sleep for a little bit before gently waking me to tell me we had to get going. (I really, really didn’t want to wake up.)

Food today has been very strange. Yesterday was an okay day, but yesterday evening my stomach freaked out and I threw up quite a bit. Then this morning I woke up feeling sick as hell and it was a struggle to get and keep anything down before noon. I knew I had to get food in me in order to quell the nausea, but I couldn’t get anything down, and then my body kept trying to throw it back up. It was a very slow process. I took some unisom to help with the nausea – which it did – but I hate doing that at work because then I have to struggle to keep my eyes open! But it helped, and by noon I was feeling a lot better.

I managed to eat and keep down lunch, finish up at the fundraiser, and come home and take a short nap before the dinner party. I ate two plates of food there. I was so hungry! And not nauseous! I am not used to these things happening at the same time. So I ate to my heart’s content, though I did stop short of desert, knowing that would be tempting the fates a little bit too much. (Yes, I ate dinner and skipped desert. WTF is wrong with me?!)

And now? Now my week is DONE. I am going to SLEEP and I will probably sleep a very happy 12 hours. Every week it feels like it’s a push to get through it, just get through Saturday and I’ll be okay once Sunday hits. And honestly Sundays aren’t usually too fantastic. But I get to sleep all day, and that is precisely what this preggo lady needs.

Hormones are doing a number on me lately. I am quiet in general lately because I don’t want to piss anyone off nor do I want to get pissed off. I’d say I don’t know what the deal is, but obviously, hormones. Den has started glaring at me and asking me when I’m going to get out of this stage. I wish I knew. I am cranky as hell, and I don’t like it!

I am a little surprized I haven’t gained any weight yet (maybe a pound, but it’s been consistent for the past few weeks). Though perhaps I shouldn’t be, the nausea is keeping my eating in check. Tonight I was hungry and kept looking through the fridge and cupboards. and it went like this, “Ohhh, this?” *gag* “Okay… this?” *gag* “Well fine. How about this…” *gag* “WTF!” I finally pulled out some yogurt cups. Apparently that was acceptable.

I have been feeling some of what feels like baby kicks. But I know they’re not. Anterior placenta, people. Not-even-13-weeks. And the “feelings” are dead center. Fucking gas. And yes, usually seconds later I hear gurrrggggllleeeee. Gas bubbles. And even though I know that, I still have this moment of, “Whoa, that felt like…” I mean, it feels REALLY similar.

I’m going to speak very very softly here, so as not to jinx myself, but I think I might be feeling a tiny bit more energy. I actually cleaned up my kitchen today. Please please please let me be getting my second wind here… I neeeeed to clean my house.

At work today I was tugging down my sweater, muttering. “I think my sweater shrunk.” My coworker snorted at me. “Girl, the sweater didn’t shrink.” Well… well… it feels like it. Maybe these sweaters aren’t going to last me quite as long as I thought. (But I still say it shrunk a little… I did just wash it for the first time.)

I have to admit I am enjoying myself a little more now that the paranoia has eased. Those first few weeks… sucked. There really is no other way to put it. I mean, so so grateful to be pregnant, but terrified every single day. I don’t think I realized how tight I was wound until the days came that I was able to exhale a little bit.

Honestly, when I have a “bad day” now – the kind with a work disaster and doggy diarrhea and throwing up in parking lots and other types of random fun – I stop and think afterward, THIS kind of bad day I can totally handle. As long as it doesn’t involve anything being wrong with the baby, then I am FINE and dandy. Cranky, yes. Wanting to yell at people, yes. But in the big picture? It just won’t matter.

A little late on this one…

How far along? 12 Weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 131.2 (0.0 week) (+1.0 total)

Maternity clothes? Over-belly pants, bigger bra.

Stretch marks? Nope.

Sleep: Mostly good, except the night that I had heartburn all night long. Can easily sleep 10+ hours.

Best moment this week: The relief of seeing a healthy little baby at my screening.

Movement: Not feeling any yet.

Food cravings/aversions: Sweet, hard candy. Not much else sounds appetizing this week. I’m more or less forcing myself to eat – I’m hungry and eating a lot of different things, but they’re all kind of “bleh” right now.

Belly Button in or out? In, but stretched.

What I miss: Being able to run and jump and dance – without being paranoid. And without certain body parts bouncing that shouldn’t really be bouncing.

What I am looking forward to: End of the first tri!!

Weekly Wisdom: Trust in your body. Paranoia comes and goes, but if you feel “good”, it’s probably all okay.

Milestones: Felt my uterus very clearly coming up out of my pelvis. First tri screening done.

Symptoms:
– Still a lot of nausea, but it comes and goes randomly.
– Boobs hurt, especially my right nipple. Feels like they’re still growing?! Very full and achy.
– Bloat belly still lives, though I do feel less bloated than I did.
– Foot cramps when I’m swimming (and random other times).
– Achiness in both sides down low. Ligaments stretching?
– My face seems less oily, more clear.
– Acid reflux!! Ugh! Took me a while to figure that out, but I have a burning in the back of my throat. Maalox helps a lot. Could be why the anti-nausea meds aren’t doing much – it’s caused by heartburn right now?
– Burps. Ugh, lots of burps.

I twitter about them now and then, but I rarely post about them. We have four pets: two dogs, two cats. (We also have one foster kitten who totally cracks me up right now.) It’s always interesting to hear how peoples’ pets react to a pregnancy.

One dog, Zeeke the Shepherd, has definitely noticed that I’m pregnant, like he did when I was pregnant with Devin. It was a slow change over the first month, but he’s definitely seemed more attached to me, more protective of me. He tends to sleep at night curled up right next to me, with his chin on my hip, as if he’s watching over me. It’s really quite sweet. (In general he is my husband’s dog 100% and while he likes me just fine he’s not usually all too affectionate to me – he tends rather bark at me, asking me “Where’s daddy??”)

The other dog is, as usual, completely clueless. I absolutely adore my little Zoe girl, but she’s a complete ditz.

One cat, Merlin, has noticed that I am far bitchier than usual. Plus, I’m playing with the foster kitten a lot. He doesn’t like this. He currently is on the bed next to me – but with his ass end facing me. On purpose.

The other cat, Jo, does actually seem to be a little bit more cuddly than usual – but I can’t tell if it’s because he notices something, if he’s reacting to my different attitude, or if it’s just his whim. He tends to whims. But I really do appreciate the cuddles. He’s the only pet in the house that will curl up on or next to my lap and just lay there for an extended period without wiggling, licking, pacing or fidgeting. It’s a trait I really appreciate.

So all in all, not really much of a change other than Zeeke. He’s always been the most astute one of the bunch.

::

It was 2 1/2 weeks ago that I mentioned maybe feeling the top of my uterus. I’ve been checking infrequently, feeling a little bit, maybe. Well last night I checked again. Holy! There it is. Like, poof, suddenly it’s coming out of my pelvis. I got really excited that I could feel it clearly – it makes it all feel a little more tangible now that I can reach down and actually physically feel something there. I really can’t wait until it gets larger still and my belly gets firm, rather than the flabby belly I have now.

::

I have no work tomorrow – a real holiday for me! A day off! I can sleep in, I can stay up as late as I want to….. and all I want to do is go to bed. I’m waiting eagerly for this energy people are talking about. My house desperately needs to get cleaned.

The anticipation of an ultrasound is really hard. The anxiety can get pretty thick. But the payoff – a good ultrasound showing a live, healthy baby – is so worth it. I have been so happy today, so full of joy and excitement. Every time we confirm the baby is still alive I think, maybe this will work. Maybe this one will live. And for a little while I actually entertain notions of birthing this baby, of holding him or her in my arms, of watching my husband hold his child. Hope lives alongside this baby. And I need confirmation that it’s still living – that there’s still reason to hope.

A loss changes the way you view your life. You walk into every appointment not knowing what the outcome is going to be – and you see both options very clearly. There are no assumptions. Lots of hopes, lots of, “Well, it SHOULD be fine…” but you’re never really quite sure. You can’t take it for granted anymore, you’ve been on the other side. But when you do walk out of a completely normal appointment with a picture of your little one and no bad news you feel like you just won the lottery. You go to bed at night thankful that you made it one more day.

I’m still struggling to get used to the idea of me carrying my second child. It still seems unfathomable. I remember so clearly my time with Devin – and I never had a day’s problem accepting that I was pregnant with my first child. So now, to be pregnant again, with another baby, a different baby… not Devin. My brain is still trying to catch up. I can’t say I feel dissociated from this little one – I certainly feel emotionally overwhelmed when I look at his/her picture. But there is some holding back of my heart, some wariness, some caution that didn’t exist last time. I feel pregnant, with all the nausea, but yet I can’t feel the baby at all. It’s just so weird to know that you’re carrying this living being inside you where you can’t see it, can’t feel it. I want to be able to see some limbs sticking out, to feel some movement. It still feels like a little ghost inside me.

I’m really struggling to put into words all that I feel this time around. I’m overwhelmed. With fear, with joy, with sadness – and it’s all wound together, there are no clear cut lines.

But today I am happy.

I can breathe again! And dance around in joy!

I had horrible heartburn all night, and nausea this morning, so we drove in feeling fairly confident, mentally, that I am still very pregnant. Unfortunately fears aren’t always all that reasonable. Sitting in that waiting room was still hard, my hands were slightly clammy and shaky, I could feel my chest getting tight. It wasn’t a huge panic attack or anything, just a bit of anxiety. I turned to Den and said with a small laugh, “Good thing I have lots of experience dealing with anxiety.” I reminded myself of the GOOD ultrasounds I had there with Devin and waited.

Very thankfully they called us into a room I’ve never been in before. I’m still so shocked that at only 12 weeks they can have me jump up on the bed, have them squirt the warm gel on my belly, and actually see the baby from a trans-abdominal scan! It took a little bit to scan around, she ended up with the probe on my right side, but there baby was. I held my breath until I saw it definitely move, kicking its legs. And there was the heart flicker, which she measured at 150bpm and we heard out loud through the speakers. I let out a huge sigh of relief then and relaxed.

She was very brisk, very task-oriented, very quick in her movements, so I didn’t get much time just watching the baby move around. And she didn’t even attempt to peek between the legs, and I didn’t ask her to – I’d rather wait a few more weeks to be more sure. But the NT measurement was nice and small, just like they want to see it, and we did get some precious profile pics.

And just to compare, this is Devin at 12w4d. Look how similar the pics are! (I realize all of them probably look alike at this point, but it’s still heartwarming to see!)

The whole thing just stuns and amazes me. Every day. Now that it’s looking like a real honest baby I think it’s easier for me to relax a bit. I swear the first few early ultrasounds I’d see the blob and the heartbeat, but couldn’t stop thinking, How on earth is this shapeless blob going to turn into a BABY?! It’s just so absolutely unfathomable. And yet there it is, a baby, kicking in my belly. It’s so freaking crazy. And I am so absolutely in love.

Tomorrow morning is my ultrasound, and as usual I’m feeling very anxious about it. Even though I feel fine, I feel pregnant, I have nothing of concern.

I was thinking last night about how the worst moments of your life are preserved in memory with such perfect accuracy. The moments I would give anything to forget. But that ultrasound is so clear in my memory, and when I least want it to it plays in my head over and over. Not just from an outside view, either, but as if I’m sitting there again. As if I’ve lost the ability to breathe again.

That’s what is so terrifying about ultrasounds. The future anticipation and past memories overlap, blurring, becoming entangled in each other. It’s so hard to see this as its own thing, separate.

It wouldn’t be so bad if it was elsewhere, but tomorrow’s ultrasound, the first trimister screening, is at the ultrasound center in the hospital – the place all my later ultrasounds were with Devin. The place where I found out he was gone. I haven’t been in or near that place since then, and though it’s been 20 months it feels like yesterday. I knew that the first tri screening would be there, and I’ve mentioned it when people asked, but it wasn’t until this afternoon that it really hit me – when the anxiety started knocking.

I hope I can sleep well tonight. I really just don’t even want to think about it. Unlike when I was pregnant with Devin, I don’t go around happily telling people about my next appointment, next ultrasound. I just try to block it out of my mind until I’m there.