Compartments
Never have I wanted so badly to live in a land of rainbows and roses. Where babies don’t die… and miscarriages happen to other people. Where you feel safe.
I find myself really pulling back from a lot of things, and intentionally surrounding myself with “normal” pregnant women. The due date groups with the chit-chatter about nurseries and names. I need that normal. I need that reassurance and calm.
But losses happen. Maybe not to people I know – though it is certainly more devastating when it is – but they happen. Being a stillbirth mama you hear about it, we all talk about it, try to reach out, try to help the newly bereaved. After I lost Devin I felt so very close to those newly bereaved, so emotionally invested, even when I knew nothing else about them. I wanted to help.
And now… I can’t. Emotionally, I can’t let myself go to that place, because if I do, I might just lose my calm about this current pregnancy. I feel bad about it, but I also take refuge in the knowledge that the others are there to step in, that someone will be there for that person to lean on. It just won’t be me this time.
I think at some point you know know too much. By banding together with other broken hearted families to heal, you also compile a kind of list in your head, of all the different ways a baby can die. Every new story I hear, I start worrying about that, too.
At one time I was very angry at those people who went through life believing that nothing bad could or would ever happen to them, completely unaware – or unwilling to accept – all those bad things lurking in the shadows. And now, now I’m just envious. I wish I could be them, if only for a little while.
But I can’t turn back time. All I can do is compartmentalize, surround myself with the happy stories, and really try to believe that most of the time everything is just fine.
I remember when I was pregnant with Bella I didn’t open a single miscarriage/loss post from anyone in my DCC, I never gave my thoughts and prayers, or offered any advice. I felt completely selfish about it but it was honestly something I HAD to do to get through the pregnancy with my sanity in tact. I literally had to remove myself from the whole world of loss, I don’t think this is for everyone but it worked for me.
Even with my recent loss I didn’t announce it in the DDC because it wasn’t worth the condolences of others to me personally compared to the anxiety I know it makes everyone else feel.
I have that list in my head too. I definitely know way, way too much about how babies can die. It all looks so good, I just don’t know where to begin! I think surrounding yourself with the happy stories, without burying your head in the sand, is an excellent coping mechanism. It’s all too easy for us DBMs to forget that good outcomes are actually the norm.
On a happier note, welcome to the 2nd trimester! :)
You’re allowed to protect yourself.
I had to do that while pregnant too. I had to draw back a little because each new story scared me more. Do what you need to do to conserve a little sanity.
((hugs))
I think you deserve to put yourself in the happiest place possible. I can’t imagine anyone thinking you were doing it to be cold to their situation.
I know just what you mean. I just felt like sticking my fingers in my ears “la la la! I can’t hear you! Babies don’t die! la la la!”
Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Cliche but true.
Most of the time it is just fine. Most of the time good happens in the world. I know it is no conselation prize, but it is true. All we can go is focus on that. The alternative will drive you crazy.