Waiting for tomorrow
Tomorrow morning is my ultrasound, and as usual I’m feeling very anxious about it. Even though I feel fine, I feel pregnant, I have nothing of concern.
I was thinking last night about how the worst moments of your life are preserved in memory with such perfect accuracy. The moments I would give anything to forget. But that ultrasound is so clear in my memory, and when I least want it to it plays in my head over and over. Not just from an outside view, either, but as if I’m sitting there again. As if I’ve lost the ability to breathe again.
That’s what is so terrifying about ultrasounds. The future anticipation and past memories overlap, blurring, becoming entangled in each other. It’s so hard to see this as its own thing, separate.
It wouldn’t be so bad if it was elsewhere, but tomorrow’s ultrasound, the first trimister screening, is at the ultrasound center in the hospital – the place all my later ultrasounds were with Devin. The place where I found out he was gone. I haven’t been in or near that place since then, and though it’s been 20 months it feels like yesterday. I knew that the first tri screening would be there, and I’ve mentioned it when people asked, but it wasn’t until this afternoon that it really hit me – when the anxiety started knocking.
I hope I can sleep well tonight. I really just don’t even want to think about it. Unlike when I was pregnant with Devin, I don’t go around happily telling people about my next appointment, next ultrasound. I just try to block it out of my mind until I’m there.
I hope you can get some rest, too. Those horrible mental videos come at the worst of times. ♥
I am wondering why you are having so many ultrasounds. Does your insurance pay for them? I don’t understand why they keep putting you through anxiety over and over even though things are fine and what happened with Devin wouldn’t have been prevented with an ultrasound—right?
I have followed your blog for a long time.
I’m going to be holding you in my heart tomorrow.
I’m thinking of you now and will be tomorrow too.
xo
D – 2 were normal procedure after an IVF, 2 were because of the bleeding that caused me to freak out and have panic attacks, 1 was because they tried to use the doppler and couldn’t find the heartbeat, and this one is the standard first trimester screening that I opted to get. As much anxiety as the anticipation for the ultrasound brings, the relief of getting a GOOD ultrasound and seeing the baby far outweighs it, in my mind. These early ultrasounds have nothing to do with me being high risk (that will come later, third tri).
I totally understnad the ultrasound anxiety. I think there are weird psychological things that happen with ultrasounds when we connect them with past traumatic experiences. Good luck on this one; fingers crossed.
I have a hard time with ultrasounds now too. Like you said, it overlaps and it’s almost like being there again. But the relief of a GOOD ultrasound can carry you for quite a while, even with the anxiety that precedes it.
(hugs) I can’t wait to hear how great it went!
MAny hugs to you. I’ll be thinking about you.
Good luck today Nat!
Thinking of you!!!
So thrilled to see your latest twitters! We’re almost exactly 3 weeks apart, so every new milestone you hit is like deja vu for me. Isn’t that finger stick awful? I’d much rather have blood drawn from a vein. My finger was sore for days afterward. But it’s all for a good cause. I’ll be crossing everything for lovely low-risk numbers from your screening.
Natalie – thinking of you. Of course you’re scared to go back to the same u/s suite at the hospital. Each time you go and everything turns out ok, it will begin to untangle. wishing you strength. Mo