Last night was our friend’s annual halloween costume party. Just getting a costume was a major pain in the ass this year. I of course had some whimsical idea of making a costume, but with how exhausted I’ve been that just didn’t come close to happening. Instead I found myself the day before the party in the mall, searching and being appalled. First of all, I’m am NOT fitting into any of THOSE costumes. And secondly, they are HOW much for a few pieces of cheap fabric?? Bite me. So I ended up going with my backup plan, buying cat ears and a tail, dressing in black, and painting my face. Meow. Much more comfortable.

I also took a nap before going, because I was sleep-deprived and very cranky. I told Den if he didn’t let me take a nap he’d want to send me home after half an hour. He wisely decided we could show up late to the party. It turned out to be a very good decision – I was actually in a good mood all evening! And we were able to stay until 10pm, when I really started to wilt.

It is very interesting being social now that we are “out” and I have a visible belly. We got a lot of very heartfelt congratulations and asking how I was feeling. It was so joyful, so celebratory.

But there were a lot of people we don’t really know very well, so we also got some, “Is this your first??” It’s so hard, because I honestly didn’t feel like bringing up a stillbirth last night. I was too happy, everyone was so excited, and I just didn’t want to throw cold water on it. After a pause Den and I said, “Yes…” and left it at that. The people around us who know the story just politely looked away and let us decide how to handle it. The moment was quickly forgotten by everyone else.

There were two other pregnant women there, and one with a 5 week old. We ended up sitting and chit-chatting about pregnancy, laughing over the silly things, bemoaning the nausea, and comparing to previous pregnancies – the other two pregnant women were also on their second pregnancy. I easily talk about my pregnancy with Devin in such a normal manner, and I just can’t – or maybe won’t – censor myself and pretend that it never happened, not in situations like that. One of them looked at me with maybe the tiniest bit of confusion in her eyes and said, “Is this your first?” “No, not my first pregnancy.” I honestly have no idea what she took it as – maybe she thought she was just confused and must have my older child with a babysitter tonight. Or maybe she took my subtle truth for what it was. I don’t know. I didn’t elaborate, and she didn’t ask me to.

Despite all that I did enjoy myself. I felt normal for a little while, joining in on the chit chat and laughing at the small childrens’ antics. Those who know our story are just so absolutely giddy at the fact that I am pregnant; those who don’t thought I was just a happy, normal pregnant woman. It was a night where I could almost forget, almost just relax and enjoy life. I felt happy, really really happy.

But it’s also so confusing. I looked around the room at all the happy parents, the children running, the pregnant bellies and newborn sleeping. I came home and just… wondered. How on earth does everyone else just go on about their lives as if it’s the most normal thing to have a baby? How are so many babies just conceived and born so easily, ending up walking and talking like it’s no big deal that this big fucking miracle occurred? While I can pretend for an evening that I am normal, I am not. I am wearing a costume at this party, a normal pregnant woman costume, but I come home and take it off. I walked over to Devin’s shelf and looked at his pictures. That is my normal. Dead babies and medical interventions. One of the pregnant women said how easy her second pregnancy has been, since she’s done it all before and knows what to expect. I didn’t respond. I didn’t tell her that my second pregnancy has been fucking terrifying.

Maybe next year we’ll be one of the lucky ones. Maybe we’ll be the ones holding the baby. I looked at those children and knew it was possible. It happens every day – normal babies, normal pregnancies. I have to believe it can and will be for me too.