There is nothing in the world like this. As I lay in bed nursing while little legs and arms flail against me I marvel at the fact there are little arms and legs at all. I love how her fingers caress my skin, how she flings her arm across her face, how her fists rub her eyes when she is tired. How on earth can she manage such amazing little movements? She’s so helpless, and yet has more control of her movements every day.

Before my mom came to visit I had a very rosy image of her stepping in, soothing the baby, knowing exactly what to do. I’m not quite sure why I had that image in my head, but I did. She cloth diapered me and my brother, she breastfed. Surely she would be this font of knowledge and experience. When she arrived I handed over Kate and she just looked so… awkward. When Kate cried I had to show her how Kate likes to be held and bounced, how she likes her pacifier, how she sleeps best. It’s been over 25 years since she had a baby. Suddenly it hit me: No one knows Kate better than my husband and me. That may sound terribly obvious but I guess I didn’t really believe it. We’re so new at this, just making it up as we go along. But here I am explaining things to my mom. I glance over and say things like, “She sounds hungry,” or, “She’ll sleep better if she lays like this.” I know my baby.

I love to rub Kate’s back, simply to feel the firmness, the real-ness of her. I close my eyes and just let the weight of her sink into me. I still have to remind myself frequently that she is here, that she is my baby that I carried for 9 months.

She has grown already – she’s no longer the folded-up, squishy little newborn. She has weight as she lays on me; her limbs have strength behind their movements. Her head feels much bigger, much heavier to hold as she nurses. And yet in comparison to other babies she’s a petite thing. She’s just moving into 0-3M clothes now, though they look huge and poofy on her still. Newborn things are getting hard to get over her head and stretched tight when snapped at the crotch, but she still fits them perfectly width-wise. Seems we’re going to have a long and lean one.

We’re having a heat wave right now, which is awful sweaty when you have a baby napping on you all day. I’ve been trying to put her down for naps, which has been only mildly successful. The last few days she keeps waking up after half an hour in her pack’n’play on her belly. It’s frustrating because I know the heat bothers her, she’s very restless in my arms, flipping her head from side to side and wiggling around. We have the AC unit in our living space but it is so hot it’s really struggling and not keeping the living room so cool. She’s much calmer on her belly on her own, not sweaty at all… But then she turns her head, loses her pacifier, and she’s awake and crying.

In contrast, the past two nights have been great. We finally put the AC in the bedroom and Kate responded by sleeping a 4-hour stretch overnight. She’s always been so good at night – wants to be fed, sometimes changed, then falls right back to sleep. The few times she was awake and crying were gas bubble induced. I’m still working on slowly getting her to sleep on her own, but she’s still waking within 30 minutes of me easing away from her. I know she feels comforted by my warmth, my touch – just me laying my hand on her belly calms her breathing when it gets rough. She frequently flings an arm across my boob while she’s sleeping, fingers ever so slightly kneading. I’ve discovered that another trick to getting her to stay asleep longer is to leave my boob exposed, instead of covering it when she falls asleep. It’s her lovey, her safety blanket. I frequently look down to find her almost asleep, mouthing my nipple but not latched. She’ll give a few half-sucks and let go, just resting her lips against me. She frequently sleeps like that, or with her cheek resting against my breast. If she does pull back she will lean forward and root whenever she teeters on the edge of waking. With my breast exposed she’s able to find it, nuzzle it, and sink back into sleep with me needing to do anything. I find it fascinating, and so sweet.

I feel so peaceful when she is asleep stretched out next to me or in my arms. This is the fourth trimester, indeed. As much as she needs me, I need her too. We’re still adjusting to being two separate bodies.

One of the hardest things with parenting is dealing with advice – especially conflicting advice, or that which contradicts your own natural instincts.

One of the major topics of advice – and debate – is of course sleep. For some reason it is a yardstick by which others measure success – or at least progress. I am always taken aback when the first thing people ask after “What is her name?” is “How is she sleeping?” I have no idea how to answer that without getting into a very long-winded explanation about co-sleeping, nursing, and expectations. So I typically simply say, “Good!” That seems to suffice in most cases, but some go on to infer that it means she’s sleeping through the night. Err. Well no, not even close. She eats every 2-3 hours. But she’s young, it’s normal and even somewhat expected, and we’re all doing just fine. Personally I think the more appropriate, or at least more accurate, question is, “How are you holding up to whatever schedule the baby has at night?” Then at least I could say, “Great!” without pause. (Though I still think it’s none of their business, Ms. Person I Don’t Know.)

She quite clearly sleeps just fine on her belly, whether it’s in her pack’n’play for a nap or on someone’s chest in a chair. Even in a tummy-to-tummy hold in a front carrier (as she is currently sacked out in my Kozy). She has been going for 4 hour stretches asleep in one of those positions, to the point that my breast starts hurting like crazy and I really need her to wake up and nurse. So clearly this child likes to sleep and will go for long stretches. She’s even easy to put to sleep, all it takes is either nursing or movement (car, rocking, wearing) while she has her soother. If she’s tired, boom she’s out. She’s easy, sleeps for 4 hours, life is beautiful. When sleeping in bed in my arms she does wake up to nurse about every 2 hours, but that’s because she’s “snacking” – and because the boob is literally right there. However I barely wake up to nurse her and we both fall right back asleep so I really don’t even know exactly how often it happens, it doesn’t impede my sleep very much at all.

But then step in and take away the tummy sleeping, because the AAP strongly recommends against it due to SIDS. You can get the baby to sleep in any way you want, but you have to put the baby down on a flat surface on her back. That happy sleeps-well baby turns into one who you spend an hour and a half repeatedly rocking to sleep and gingerly putting down only to have her wake up 5 minutes later crying. When you finally do get her down on her back asleep and staying asleep you tiptoe away and lay down to close your eyes… only to be woken up an hour and a half later. 2 hours is the most she’ll go in her cosleeper on her back…. I consider 2 hours to be a grand success in that situation. Live like that for a while and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be describing her as a good sleeper.

I’m kind of frustrated by it all – and I don’t mean with Katherine. She’s a baby and I don’t blame her one bit for her preferences (I personally can’t sleep on my back either). I know the recommendations are based off of studies and are meant to keep my baby safe, and I can’t fault that. But at the same time they prevent me from listening to my mommy instincts, to responding to her immediate needs.

I wish there was no such thing as SIDS, I wish we didn’t have to worry about the statistical likelihood of a baby dying at random at night. I mean, how scary is that? We’re nervous enough as it is with such a small little being and the history that we have. (And it’s not as if putting them on their backs prevents SIDS deaths, either. It reduces the likelihood, doesn’t prevent it. That’s not a pleasant thought.)

So she sleeps in my bed, nestled up next to me, tummy-to-tummy as we lay on our sides. It avoids all of that, she sleeps peacefully even on her back (though typically she faces me). But oh the reactions when I mention it to friends and family. Breastfeeding and baby-wearing may be given the benefit of the doubt, but bedsharing? Oh no.

I just ran across an article in a magazine that sums it up pretty well:

from Breastfeeding Today

I’m so glad we discovered bedsharing. I don’t think we’d get any sleep otherwise.

There have been no poops in 3 days. However, Kate doesn’t seem too concerned about it. She is sleeping well, eating, and had some happy playtime today. Not sure what’s up with that, but we’re both very much hoping for and dreading the poop that is coming. We’re going to a party today so I can only assume that the explosion will happen while she is wearing the cute dress.

My mom is here visiting, getting to know Kate. It is nice to have an extra pair of hands… and she’s even cleaning my kitchen! I also got to nap while Den worked in the yard.

Kate continues to smile and is now making little happy noises. Some sound like “gah,” some are more just squeals. This morning when Den had playtime with her I heard him laughing and went in to find her making “cooing” sounds (sounds like “aaahhhh!!” and “ooooo”) as she gave him huge smiles. We get all giddy when she makes noises. It is so cool!

The previous two nights I was able to put Kate down sleepy – but not asleep – in her cosleeper and sit with her until she drifted off. But last night it did not work, she kept waking up and crying… she just wanted to be held. I gave it three tries then just brought her into the bed to sleep. I’m just going at her pace. She continues to eat every 2-3 hours at night… closer to 2 hours. I believe she’s “snacking” – I nurse side-lying and we just fall asleep. She’s eating half a meal and falling asleep… so she’s awake 2 hours later wanting more. During the day she is taking 3-4 hour naps. Which are lovely, but I’d really like to switch that around! Not that it’s a huge issue, at night I only half wake up enough to help her latch. It doesn’t help that we have no routine yet… in a couple of weeks when my mom leaves and Den is back at work I think we’re going to settle down into a pattern as I figure out the SAHM thing. It’s a little overwhelming, the idea of being on my own… but I’m also looking forward to figuring out our new “normal.”

Den, with Kate on his lap: “See how dirty my feet are? I really need a shower, you know.”
Me: “Okay. Do you want me to take her?”
Den: “…. No.”

Needless to say, Den still hasn’t had a shower. Katherine wiggled down from his chest to his belly and managed to turn sideways. We have no idea how this is possibly comfortable, but she slept like this for an hour.

As you can see, she enjoys sleeping in odd positions!

Sometimes it’s not time that keeps me from posting… it’s brain power. I can’t even say I’m sleep-deprived, since most of the time I feel pretty rested and conscious. No, it’s the interruptions. I don’t do well with multi-tasking. Necessary in life, and I cope, but now I don’t get much time to myself in the evenings and I’m never quiet sure when the interruptions will come. It takes me three tries just to get through paying bills, transferring money around, and filing the paperwork… not that I was very prompt with doing that before baby, but that’s not the point now is it.

i think I read somewhere that babies (and kids) can have meltdown/tantrum/bad days right before not just a growth spurt but also a leap forward in some kind of skill or language development. I’m wondering if that’s what happened with Katherine, because last week she was a bear – grumpy, whiny, inconsolable. Then this weekend she suddenly seemed so much more interested in the world around her, more interactive, more expressive. She’s smiling all the time now in response to us talking and smiling at her, and in response to her favorite toys. She’s started making new sounds, too, making sounds when happy, things outside of her repertoire of unhappy sounds. Today she gave a tiny little shriek as she kicked and flailed in excitement as she stared at a toy of hers. It was too funny!

Why am I up at 1:30 in the morning when my baby is asleep? Of course she’s right beside me and I’m sure any second she’ll wake up – it seems it’s always within the 60 seconds after I lay down, in fact – but it still seems kind of stupid…

I feel like I’ve moved to a completely different mental space. People always warn that having a new baby doesn’t erase the grief of having lost a child, it doesn’t “fix” it. And yet it kind of did for us. Yes of course the grief is still there, Devin is still very very much a part of our lives. But before I got pregnant my whole life revolved around my pain – not just the pain of losing Devin, but the pain of not having a child at all. It WAS my life. Every outing, every social gathering, every day reminded us of what we did not have.

Now everything is different. Now we are the ones with baby gear all over the house. We are the ones lugging the kitchen sink to a picnic. We are the ones who talk endlessly about poop and spit-up and how adorable the little smiles are. I find myself gravitating towards other parents, instead of away. I feel like I finally joined the other side.

My life is no longer only grief – I guess that’s the main difference. It used to be a swirling ball of grief with some fun and interests around the outside edge; now it’s joy in taking care of Katherine that makes up the bulk of it, with grief sitting on the side. And I’m happy to leave it on the side – I grieved enough. I’ll take it out now and again when I need to release it for a little while, but I’ll put it back on the shelf when I’m done.

I do have more fears, however. I know most new parents have normal fears of things like dropping the baby or getting in a car accident. But it’s a lot more real, I think, when you’ve already had to suffer the tragic death of a child resulting from something very rare and unexpected. Just like in pregnancy when I couldn’t fully shake the thought of the baby dying unexpectedly, it never really went away after she was born. I still worry because it could happen. Bad things happen. Now I don’t obsess over it, I don’t overreact… but the thoughts are still there. Both Den and I frequently check her to make sure she’s breathing. Habit, just like I used to poke her to get a kick when she was in the womb (at least now when she’s sleeping I don’t have to wake her up to check!).

::

People are definitely right: it just keeps getting better. I absolutely adored her as a squeaky little newborn wrapped in my arms. But now she is smiling at us on a daily basis. It’s crazy how excited two adults become at such a simple little thing, but we crowd over her laughing in delight and trying our damndest to get her to smile again. She has us wrapped around her little fingers!

The last two days have been fantastic. Yesterday we went out to a pool party. We did bring everything but the kitchen sink, yes… though a lot of it was our stuff, not hers. But I definitely find that going somewhere and setting up “camp” with all her and our stuff makes for a much MUCH more enjoyable day than those days when we go out driving here and there. I had a comfortable chair, her diapers and changes of clothes (which came in handy), burp cloths, pacifiers, nursing cover… everything we needed right at hand. We didn’t have to interrupt any naps, I could feed her when she was hungry. It made for a very pleasant day with her. And on top of that she was happy when she was awake! She smiled at her uncle and sat on my lap staring around at the trees, the kids, the people. I really think she enjoyed herself.

Today she had more happy awake time, which was just so nice to see! I held her upright sitting on my lap and she stared at me (that wide-eyed crazy kind of look), gave me some huge smiles as I chatted to her and nom-nommed on her little fingers, then stared out the window for a while. On her playmat Den was playing with her favorite toy (some “keys” that make noise) and she gave some big smiles for him too. Ahhhhh, so neat! I’m starting to get excited about when she interacts even more.

Kate is a fussy pants. She’s not a colicky baby, she doesn’t scream non-stop for hours. She fusses. Constantly. This morning was incredibly frustrating because, first of all, she kept waking up in the middle of naps. I tried like 3 different times in 3 different ways and each time she would fall asleep great, like usual, and about an hour into it she’d wake up crying for one reason or another. An hour may be good for some babies, but not mine – mine likes her long naps. Mine needs her long naps.

So then she’d be crying to start and I’d go through the usual: feed her, burp her, change her. And that would good for all of 2 minutes. Playmat? Wah. Swing? Waahhh. Pack’n’play? Waahh! Walking around? Walking outside? Sitting on my lap? Waaaaahhhhh!! Oh. My. God. Child, what do you WANT? And of course she escalates, so the little fussing turns into crying and once she gets into being pissed off I honestly think she forgets why she’s upset in the first place. And still, I don’t know what the problem is.

As far as I can figure her awake time can withstand only nursing and then maybe 10 minutes of happy time. Once those 10 minutes are up I have no idea what to do other than get her to sleep more (which is usually pretty easy to do, just not today). I can think of many different things I could do with her – if she would even entertain the thought. Some days I feel like I must be doing something wrong, especially when others talk about how their babies enjoy spending time doing things, how awake and interested in the world they are. Other days I’m convinced that she’s just extremely picky and this is just how she is.

So most of the time she just sleeps. Except today when she kept waking up. She had a long screaming fit mid-day simply due to lack of sleep. But I tell you what, once we got her to sleep after that, man, she was OUT. On Den’s chest she wiggled and nuzzled and then lights out. She slept for over 3 hours, ate, was changed, then slept for another 3 hours. And she’s still asleep. Errr, I hope she sleeps tonight, too.

So lesson of the day: only attempt one nap somewhere not in our arms. She just doesn’t sleep well enough unless she’s snuggled up to her daddy or me.

Katherine’s favorite place to nap during the day is on Den’s or my chest. As she falls asleep her little finger knead my chest, her eyes drift shut, her head lolls to the side and back as she tries to find the most comfortable position. Most of the time she needs her pacifier to suck on – she has stopped comfort nursing on me, for the most part. And then as she sleeps her little face looks so peaceful, her little lips pursed in a soft little “o”. I often get a sore neck tilting my head down to stare at her. She’s beautiful. We are so freaking lucky. I don’t just want to capture how she looks or how she sounds, I want to capture how I feel when I look at her, her weight in my hands as I pick her up, the feel of her skin and downy hair under my fingertips.

It’s hard, oh yes it is. There are times when she starts really screaming at the top of her lungs that I want to just put her down, throw up my hands and walk away. It’s near impossible to get anything done around the house. Going out takes a lot of preparation, timing, and a hefty dose of luck. But we knew it was going to be hard and we wouldn’t trade a single moment. This is a gift – all of it, even the poopy diapers and screaming fits.

It’s sad to know that Katherine will never truly understand how much we love her. There will come a day when she doesn’t want cuddles and kisses, when she thinks I am terrible and mean, when she goes off on her own.
Maybe when she has a child of her own she’ll realize – but even then she won’t really be able to picture this, her mom rocking her to sleep, overflowing with love.

::

When I attended the breastfeeding class with Katherine a few weeks ago I was caught off-guard by how yound the other moms were. Same when I picked up the used infant seat that I had found on craig’s list – it really gave me a shock how young the mom was. I don’t know why, but I still think of moms as, well you know… my mom and her friends. Now suddenly the moms around me are in their 20’s and 30’s – they’re my age. Many are younger than me – I’m nearly 5 years older than I was when we started down this path. And more than that, I’m one of them – I’m one of the moms.

One of the first times Den took Katherine for a walk around the neighborhood in the stroller he said to me, “It’s really nice to push this around with a baby in it.” (One of the most heartbreaking sights of my life was in the days after Devin died, watching Den push the empty stroller around the basement. I still cry every time I picture it.)

There are so many little things that we appreciate now that we wouldn’t have a few years ago… Not in the same way. It’s such a huge gift that she is here at all.

::

Since we’ve had two good days of nursing – I think I’ve figured out her issue – we went ahead with our plan to introduce the bottle (of pumped breastmilk, of course). I will be working 8 hours a week at the non-profit that I work and volunteer for, so getting her to take the occasional bottle is key – also Den really wants to be able to feed her once a day. I warmed up the milk and then handed the bottle to Den and made myself scarce. We had tried a few days ago and she wanted nothing to do with the concept, so we didn’t know what to expect. But this time Kate, hungry and still slightly sleepy from a nap, took the bottle without pause and ate it all. She was still hungry so I offered her the breast and she finished up her meal there. Huh. That was easier than I expected.

The breastfeeding issue: I’m almost positive that Jaci hit the nail on the head with her suggestion of oversupply. When let down kicks in I dribble all over the place, Kate has been gulping and coughing, and for the first few minutes of a feed she makes a popping noise with every suck, as she breaks the suction and takes in air. It seems babies do that in order to cope with a fast flow. Unfortunately that air leads to gas and spitting up.

And also, for the first few weeks Kate was constantly comfort nursing. She doesn’t do that anymore – when she’s done she wants off. BUT she still really needs to suck. This explains her rooting, re-latching, then pulling off and crying. She wanted to suck, but kept getting unwanted mouthfuls of milk. Once I realized that and offered her the pacifier when she was done eating we no longer have an angry, crying baby.

To address the oversupply I’m going to be block nursing for a while. This will hopefully help regulate my supply, prevent any clogged ducts by fully emptying the breast, and hopefully let her comfort nurse a little if she wants to. I know that’s not necessary, but I kind of liked being the thing that calmed her. It’s stupid, but I feel a little jealous of the pacifier… Even though it saved me when my nipples hurt so damn bad.)

We have a healthy, growing girl. She’s now 8lb 8oz and 19.75 inches long. The length thing is kind of weird because in the hospital at birth she was measured at 20 inches, but at the pediatrician appointment 3 days later she was measured at 19 inches. So by their measurement she’s grown.

Last two times we had an appointment with the pediatrician Kate screamed pretty much from getting stripped for the weight check until the end when I could nurse her. This time we expected a repeat and instead she was wide awake and staring around, staring at the doctor. He turned her onto her tummy and she lifted her head a little and mouthed the paper sheet completely calmly – and that was right after we told him she utterly hates tummy time.

The pediatrician listened to our descriptions of Kate’s behavior and crying and said it’s not colic and doesn’t sound like reflux. I agree, but I wanted to check just in case. Personally we think it’s a combination of some episodes of gas, her personality, and some fleeting dissatisfaction with my boobs. The gas cries happen after she eats, but not all the time – the mylicon seems to help.

The awake time fussiness seems to just be her wanting something that we can’t always figure out. It’s kind of funny really. It’s not crying or screaming, just her scrunching up her face, looking around, and saying “Wah!” I won’t lie – we laugh. Now if we don’t do anything she’ll escalate into crying, and sometimes it’s frustrating trying to figure out where she wants to be – it can take a few position changes and moves. Or, failing that, the boob or pacifier can fix it.

The fussiness at the boob is new and I’m trying to figure it out… Though today she’s been pretty good with eating. I get the distinct impression that she’s not getting what she wants. It happens a few minutes into feeding, and it was worst yesterday and the day before when she was feeding frequently. I know I have plenty of milk, I am leaking everywhere. She also tends to gulp and cough when eating, which are signs of a strong let-down. I thought maybe she was used getting mad when the milk flow slowed down a few minutes into feeding. But today the one time she started fussing during a feeding she popped herself off the boob and then started rooting, same as she has been doing. I though the rooting meant she was still hungry. When she pulled off milk leaked all down my front – yikes! So today at least the problem is not a lack of flow! On a hunch I offered her a pacifier and bingo, she was happy. It appears she was done eating and just wanted to comfort nurse. I’ll see how this goes over the next few days.

I’m starting to think about doing baby signs with her. I’ve always considered it, but trying to figure out what she wants is reminding me what a good idea it is. Obviously it wouldn’t help now or for a while, but giving her a way to communicate before she can talk sounds like a great idea to me.