Sleep Don’ts
One of the hardest things with parenting is dealing with advice – especially conflicting advice, or that which contradicts your own natural instincts.
One of the major topics of advice – and debate – is of course sleep. For some reason it is a yardstick by which others measure success – or at least progress. I am always taken aback when the first thing people ask after “What is her name?” is “How is she sleeping?” I have no idea how to answer that without getting into a very long-winded explanation about co-sleeping, nursing, and expectations. So I typically simply say, “Good!” That seems to suffice in most cases, but some go on to infer that it means she’s sleeping through the night. Err. Well no, not even close. She eats every 2-3 hours. But she’s young, it’s normal and even somewhat expected, and we’re all doing just fine. Personally I think the more appropriate, or at least more accurate, question is, “How are you holding up to whatever schedule the baby has at night?” Then at least I could say, “Great!” without pause. (Though I still think it’s none of their business, Ms. Person I Don’t Know.)
She quite clearly sleeps just fine on her belly, whether it’s in her pack’n’play for a nap or on someone’s chest in a chair. Even in a tummy-to-tummy hold in a front carrier (as she is currently sacked out in my Kozy). She has been going for 4 hour stretches asleep in one of those positions, to the point that my breast starts hurting like crazy and I really need her to wake up and nurse. So clearly this child likes to sleep and will go for long stretches. She’s even easy to put to sleep, all it takes is either nursing or movement (car, rocking, wearing) while she has her soother. If she’s tired, boom she’s out. She’s easy, sleeps for 4 hours, life is beautiful. When sleeping in bed in my arms she does wake up to nurse about every 2 hours, but that’s because she’s “snacking” – and because the boob is literally right there. However I barely wake up to nurse her and we both fall right back asleep so I really don’t even know exactly how often it happens, it doesn’t impede my sleep very much at all.
But then step in and take away the tummy sleeping, because the AAP strongly recommends against it due to SIDS. You can get the baby to sleep in any way you want, but you have to put the baby down on a flat surface on her back. That happy sleeps-well baby turns into one who you spend an hour and a half repeatedly rocking to sleep and gingerly putting down only to have her wake up 5 minutes later crying. When you finally do get her down on her back asleep and staying asleep you tiptoe away and lay down to close your eyes… only to be woken up an hour and a half later. 2 hours is the most she’ll go in her cosleeper on her back…. I consider 2 hours to be a grand success in that situation. Live like that for a while and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be describing her as a good sleeper.
I’m kind of frustrated by it all – and I don’t mean with Katherine. She’s a baby and I don’t blame her one bit for her preferences (I personally can’t sleep on my back either). I know the recommendations are based off of studies and are meant to keep my baby safe, and I can’t fault that. But at the same time they prevent me from listening to my mommy instincts, to responding to her immediate needs.
I wish there was no such thing as SIDS, I wish we didn’t have to worry about the statistical likelihood of a baby dying at random at night. I mean, how scary is that? We’re nervous enough as it is with such a small little being and the history that we have. (And it’s not as if putting them on their backs prevents SIDS deaths, either. It reduces the likelihood, doesn’t prevent it. That’s not a pleasant thought.)
So she sleeps in my bed, nestled up next to me, tummy-to-tummy as we lay on our sides. It avoids all of that, she sleeps peacefully even on her back (though typically she faces me). But oh the reactions when I mention it to friends and family. Breastfeeding and baby-wearing may be given the benefit of the doubt, but bedsharing? Oh no.
I just ran across an article in a magazine that sums it up pretty well:
from Breastfeeding Today
I’m so glad we discovered bedsharing. I don’t think we’d get any sleep otherwise.
Good for you — do whatever makes you feel comfortable and what makes Kate happy. I wish I could list all of the “wrong” things we did with our daughter in regards to sleeping. Typically it involved over an hour of vigorous bouncing (including dripping sweat on our part), then we’d put her down SOUND ASLEEP and pray. That didn’t work out so well.
When we were digging into the depths of our bag of tricks at one point, we’d bounce her for an hour, then put her in her carseat (an extra one that had the straps removed) which was inside her crib. Not crazy enough? That carseat had a heating pad in it with a large stuffed animal jammed on top in order to creat weight to warm up the carseat. We figured out that it was the temperature change that was waking her up. So we’d bounce her to sleep, creep over to the crib, s-l-o-w-l-y remove the stuffed animal and the heating pad, gingerly put her into the carseat, and slink away from the crib whispering ohpleaseohpleaseohplease under our breath. Sometimes we would make it through dinner an hour later before she’d wake up screaming, but often we wouldn’t even make it downstairs.
Nighttime sleep was always dicey because we STUPIDLY decided that she would sleep only in her crib. That meant that whenever she woke up — which was all the freaking time — we’d have to get out of bed, go across the hall, go into her room, and go through the whole bouncing bullshit again.
I distinctly remember when she was about 6 weeks old that I was completely exhausted. (By the way, she was also a horrible eater — breast or bottle — and had wicked reflux.) Around 3am one morning, I stormed into our bedroom, woke up my husband, shoved our screaming child at him and angrily stated, “She’s a terrorist and she’s holding me hostage!!” It wasn’t my Best Mothering Moment. [side note: I started on Zoloft the next day. Made a big difference in my ability to cope.]
Anyway, we finally, finally got her sleeping in her crib at night when she was around 7 months. How? Ferber. You know how you hear those stories about how the baby cried it’s eyes out for the first night but boom! by the 2nd night was good to go? Nope. SEVENTEEN nights. Thank God the Zoloft had completely kicked in by then because that really sucked. Even then she still woke up at least 1 time a night, but at least we were getting 4 or 5 hour stretches. She “slept through the night” when she was about 14 months old.
But guess what? If people asked us how she was sleeping, we’d say, “Great!!!” I agree with you, just makes everything easier. It’s none of their business away. A couple of times, I’d reply, “Sleeping? Not so well. But wow, she’s a champion pooper! Stick around and I’d be happy to show you how well that’s going!” They’d never ask again.
As for naps? Hahahaha. Until she was just over 2 years old, we held her (until she was too big to hold for hours on end) or slept with her in the guest bed for EVERY. SINGLE. NAP. It was a serious productivity killer, let me tell you. But she slept great and I got a nap. When I went back to work, the nanny would lay down and sleep with her. (Not a bad gig, eh?) People, especially my in-laws, had a serious problem with this nap sleeping thing. Even my husband was pissed about it by the time it stopped, but I don’t care.
Our daughter is now a happy, healthy, well-adjusted, confident almost-six-year-old who has been falling asleep on her own and sleeping through the night for nearly 4 years now. I don’t regret a moment of the sleeping nonsense now that we are on the other side.
When my son was born, we changed our tune completely. At night, he slept in a bassinet next to the bed, or in the bed with us. For naps it was in his crib. In the bassinet or our bed, he would sleep on his back — in the bassinet we had a sleep positioner that kept him snug, and in our bed he’d be cradled in one of our arms, or between us. In his crib, he slept on his stomach. Our pediatrician said that it was okay and we trust her.
He’s never required all the bouncing and other shenanigans that our daughter needed to fall asleep. I am 110% convinced it’s simply because they are different people. We didn’t do anything wildly different in regards to how we soothed them, they just had nearly opposite personalities when it came to sleep. She would only sleep/fall asleep ON someone, he preferred to be put down to go to sleep. I read about babies like that but thought that people were making it up.
For naps and nighttime, he goes in his crib wide awake and puts himself to sleep. Until about a month ago (shortly after he turned 2), he was still waking up in the middle of the night (around 3am) and we got into the habit of bringing him into our bed to sleep those last 4 hours until 7am. We didn’t mind, though. He’s VERY energetic during the day so we enjoyed the snuggle time during those wee hours of the morning.
This is possibly the longest comment in the history of commenting. But I had to let you know that I understand how you feel about the sleeping, about taking your baby’s cues, and about nosy people who want to judge your success as a parent based on how sleep is going.
Stay the course, try to keep Kate happy, talk it over with Den, and decide for your family what is best. That, in my opinion, is the hallmark of a great parent. :-)
I get annoyed when people have some expectation that babies should sleep through the night by X months. It just isn’t that simple and not right for every baby. People will tell BFing moms to give their babies formula, and formula moms to put rice cereal in the bottle, and start solids early, and…. Arrgh, it annoys me to no end. As long as you’re doing ok and she is happy, great. I would go with “good” as the answer to whether she’s sleeping well and let everyone else mind their own business. You obviously know what’s working for you and what’s not. SIDS is terrifying, but you do what you are comfortable with.
Yes.
A million times yes.
And oh the scorn I got from the (not my normal ped as he was out on parental leave himself; he wouldn’t have had a problem with it) at her 2 month appointment when I told her she was sleeping in bed with us, b/c we wouldn’t have gotten any sleep otherwise. I even still feel best and safest with her in here; I just wish we had a bigger bed, so most nights it’s off to the crib.
Oh god do I get this post!! Your Kate and my Angus sound all too alike!
And our start to live baby parenting sounds all too similar!
Keep up the great work Natalie, you are doing just fine.
xo
Coming out of lurkdom to say that you should do what your instincts tell you and don’t listen to what others say. I was SO against co sleeping and having my baby on her tummy…but when she was born she was an obvious tummy sleeper like Kate. So to ease my worries, she slept in my bed with DH and I for the first 12 weeks of her life.
People used to YELL at me. Telling me I was “doing harm” to her. But they weren’t here at 3am when she had been up every hour on the hour and the only way to get her to sleep was to put her on her tummy.
15 months later, Lexi is STILL a tummy sleeper.
Do what you think is right…no matter what anyone else tells you.
Ahhh the great debates. How is it that we, as parents, are actually judged and measured against something that is about as much under our control as the color of our child’s hair or how tall he/she will be? (genetics notwithstanding).
The only thing that is 100% for sure is Kate will be Kate and Mommy will be Mommy. And if that means cosleeping, side-lying, nursing all night then so be it.
Now I beg your pardon while I roll over to nurse my baby ;)
Thank you for this post. My husband and I are currently experiencing all of the same things with our newborn.
Good for you for figuring out what works for you and Kate! Cosleeping will definitely let you both get the most sleep. And aside from the sleep competition, what I really hate is the questions about “is s/he an easy baby?” My son is not, nor has ever been, an easy baby. But he’s smart and sweet and loads of fun. Everybody doesn’t need to be easy. Just enjoy Kate the way she is – sounds like you’re doing just that.
Mommy wars!!!
Ignore it. My girls slept in our bed with us for a full year each.
Amen to sleep sharing!! Whenever anyone asked/asks me how my newborn slept (or at any other age!), I just smiled and said, “Like a baby!” or “I’m getting enough sleep!” It’s really no one else’s business. :) You’re doing great!!
Good for you! Both my kids have been tummy sleepers, both have ended up co-sleeping with us. :)
Kudos to you for listening to your instincts. I swore I’d be the worst mother on the face of the planet and not a one – family or friends – breastfed, babyworn (is that a word LOL?) or co-sleeped.
I have to say I loved each and every moment of those. DS still cosleeps with us at 3 yrs – he starts in his bed and goes to sleep, but sometime in the middle of the night wanders in and crawls in with us. Thats fine by me – our private time is not interrupted plus we still get the super loving cuddling that comes with that connection.
I fully believe that our instinct tells us what is best, we just need to listen carefully!
…and for the record….the US is the only country in the world that sticks their child in a room by themselves, and discourages bed sharing like the rest of the world. Go figure!
Dont all of us moms know about the judgement others put on us? Its crazy. I have a friend that her baby never slept on his back from day one, so she put him on his stomach from the beginning, of course she didnt have blankets or anything extra in the bed around him, so it worked for her. Also our parents had us sleep in all different ways and we are all here today, you know? I think its whatever is right for you and your baby! I hate that there is SIDS too, but doesnt the risk go away after like 2 months or something? Im not sure but there is an age where it its not as a big deal. Unfortunately I do have a another friend who her neice died of SIDS at just a few weeks old. Its all scary but you are doing wonderful as mommy to your beautiful little girl and you know whats best for her better than anyone else!
Welcome to my world!! haha. I still occasionally agonize over this, but the sleep and happiness win out every time. :) I just say, “He sleeps fine!” hehe. (With ME.)