My kid amuses the hell out of me. She’s really into some of her toys now, ones that she can grasp and move. She loves scrunching them up, working her little fingers, grabbing the rings. It is so cool watching her, I just can’t get over how fun it is to watch her work on a toy and try to figure out how it and her little hands work together.

She’s also really into sucking on her fists this past week or two. She has yet to get her thumb in her mouth, but she’s always slobbering on her fists now. This translates into her thinking that maybe getting a toy into her mouth would be good fun. So now she has a new goal when she’s playing with a toy, and actually she makes pretty good progress trying to pull the toy up with her fists. Unfortunately she has terrible aim and I have yet to see her actually get it into her mouth. What usually happens is that she gets it close, leans her head forward with her mouth open, searching and straining. That lasts only a few seconds before she lets out a screech of utter rage, which disintegrates very rapidly into her crying inconsolably, even if she was perfectly happy just 2 seconds earlier.

The other funny thing about that is that I’ve noticed that her being angry at a toy triggers a fit of rage about everything wrong with the world at that moment in time. Removing the toy is not enough, I also have to change and feed her (if she happens to be wet and hungry, which is typical). I can almost see her thought processes: Oooo toy. Love this toy! Toy so fun! Want toy in mouth. Toy… mouth… toy…. mouth…. AGGGHHH! I can’t do it!!! I hate this toy!!! Get it away, get it away, aaggghhhh, stupid toys!!!! And I’m freaking WET!!!! CHANGE ME!!!! And I’m hungry too, what the hell is wrong with this place today?!?! AGGGHHHH!!! I wish I were kidding, but I’m so not.

Also extremely funny is how when she really does get a good grasp of the rings on her toys she will move the toy when she moves her arms around. This makes sense to us, but not to her. Then she starts crying because the toy is moving and she doesn’t want it to and doesn’t know why, when in reality all she has to do is let go. I try very hard not to giggle at her when she’s crying, but damn is it hard.

::

I’m totally getting into the swing of this SAHM thing. We’re not yet at 12 weeks but I can already notice the shift taking place, it was sometime right after she was 10 weeks. Suddenly she’s happy in her bouncer, and on her floor mat. She has interest in toys, in watching TV, in watching people. She still wants to nap on me 99% of the time, but I’ve gotten her to nap in her swing a couple of times the last few days. But even with me having to sit in the recliner for her naps (or wearing her), since I can put her in her bouncer for playtime I can now eat food, clean up the kitchen, sweep, or work on little projects. This is very nice!

I can also put her in the car and drive for a good 5-10 minutes before she starts melting down, which lets me do some errands and grocery shopping without ever dealing with a freaking-out child (very good for my sanity). Unfortunately most things I want to get to are further away than that, but it’s a start. Unfortunately construction downtown severely limits me, getting stuck in an not-moving line for 10 minutes with a screaming baby is kind of hellish. I try to avoid that whole direction, grrr.

Here is the video I mentioned. I laugh every time I watch it.

::

It has started: the diaper stash itch. We’ve been doing prefolds and Thirsties covers, and I do love the Thirsties. However, it’s not perfect. The prefolds are getting pilly and less soft, and I’m not so happy about how they’re feeling. It’s a little bit clunky when I’m out, she’s screaming in a restaurant and kicking on the changing table and I’m trying to wrestle the prefold on her, folded the way I like it. The biggest problem, however, is that she’s a tiny bit rashy. She doesn’t seem to react to it that I can tell, but her diaper area is a little reddish and sometimes has tiny bumps (which I ignored for a long while, because she gets something similar on her arms and chest sometimes). Kel mentioned that it looked rashy to her. I ended up using a double-stuffed FuzziBunz pocket on her overnight and in the morning there was NO redness at all. That was my “ah-ha” moment. Obviously her skin doesn’t like being wet at all. The microfleece on the FuzziBunz keeps the moisture away from her skin, so even after a full night with no changes she has no rash.

Well now I want more FuzziBunz. That wasn’t in my plans, they’re not cheap. My idea right now is to buy a few more for nights and while we’re out (I only have 2), and then buy or make some microfleece liners to use with the prefolds at home.

I am so tempted to get out my sewing machine. I also want to make her a playmat with an arch to hang toys on (I refuse to pay $60 on one, I mean SERIOUSLY). But then I think, man, when do I have time to SEW? (And does my sewing machine even work anymore?)

I also fully admit that I am going to be buying the full Baby Einstein DVD set. One desperate afternoon when Kate was done playing with her toys but not yet ready for a nap, she was fussing and whining and I was at a loss so I went on YouTube and found some Baby Einstein video clips. She sat on my lap for over 10 full minutes, quiet and interested. So I bought one. I played it on the TV and set her up in her bouncer in front of it. And it worked!!! That gives me 10-15 minutes to eat, pee, clean up the kitchen or throw on a load of laundry. That’s her limit and it seems to work only once a day, but that could be my saving grace. If I could put her down as a matter of course I wouldn’t have bothered, but when she will only play on the floor if I’m entertaining her and still naps on me 99% of the time I need something to give me a break. And as a plus side, I really like classical music so it’s totally not irritating to me!

I just had a fabulous 3-day visit from Kate’s aunt, my very best friend in the world, Kel. It’s amazing what good company can do to your spirits.

Just in a week Kate has become so much more expressive, it’s amazing to see the difference in a short time period. Just last week it was as if she realized there is so much going on around her. For the first time she started enjoying being in her stroller, as long as she is moving and the sun shade isn’t blocking her view. Around the block and through the mall she stares everywhere. Unfortunately for me this interest in new things means she’s not so content to just sit on the rocking chair all day, she wants me to hold her (vertical, facing out) and walk her around. I can tell she’s getting bored with the living room. Our house is small, I don’t have many options here! In the car she’ll only last about 10 minutes awake before getting fed up and screaming, so it’s still hard to get out.

She’s now found her ears, hands and feet and is fascinated with all of them. She sucks on her fists all the time now (drool, eewwww), tugs on her ears, stares at her wiggling toes. She shrieks and coos and babbles a ton, too, significantly more than even a week or two ago. (No giggles yet.) Yesterday she started this new kicking thing when she was excited, eyes wide, face serious, all 4 limbs flailing around with so much power. It is SO FUNNY, I took a video I need to upload.

My girl has a huge personality. When she’s happy she’s huge smiles, when she’s upset she’s ear-piercing screams, and when she’s playing she is extremely serious and focussed. I just love it.

She’s still sleeping great (as long as she’s with me, of course). She goes down for the night at around 9pm, is easy to nurse to sleep, and the last two nights she’s only woken up once between 11pm and 6:30am. Not bad at all!

She’s changing so much, but it feels like a natural evolution. I am so enjoying watching her grow.

I feel like I’ve lost my grounding. The arrival of the twins is making me emotional about several different things, as if one emotional disruptance makes everything else shaky, too. Not to mention that such events tend to involve the entire extended family, and dealing with a bunch of people at once is exhausting. Being social is exhausting, period.

I have this huge urge to help somehow, but then so does everyone else, it seems. If anyone has any advice for what we can say to or do for parents of babies in the NICU please let me know. Den and I visited tonight and now I think we’re just going to pull back and give them space.

I have to keep reminding myself that I have a baby. That may sound silly, seeing how I can barely manage to put her down, but after 4 years there’s a strong kneejerk reaction to babies, especially newborns in hospitals. My time there giving birth feels like a dream – well no wonder, seeing how I was in and out so quickly. It’s almost a shock to look down and see Kate’s pretty little face and remember, oh, oh yes. My heart is not so broken anymore. Then I smile and cuddle her a little bit closer.

It’s strange because I have no concept of this in-between. I had one blissful pregnancy that ended in tragedy all at once, and one nervewracking pregnancy that finished simply anf easily with a healthy full-term baby. I never struggled with babies that are born but not with me, who may or may not be okay. My emotions fluctuate wildly. Some moments I’m in tears, then the wall slams down to protect myself and I feel very little at all. Letting anything in just brings everything bubbling up. I think it will take me some time to process it all.

I think it is hardest because it’s family. If it were a best friend I could be right in there beside her; an aquaintance I could just let it be and focus on my own life. But family is so hard, always right there, but far enough away to make you feel completely useless.

Kate layed on our bed after nursing and spent a great deal of time working on those fists. She’s been trying to get her fists in her mouth for the past week and has been getting extremely frustrated by the whole thing. I couldn’t figure out why – I mean, she seems to have pretty good control of those fists and gets them up to her lips frequently, but mere seconds later she gives a shriek of rage. Tonight as I laid beside her, watched closely, and figured it out: she wants her thumb in her mouth. While she knows how to get her fist in position, she just cannot get that thumb to stick out in such a way that she can fit it in her mouth. Thus the crying.

It was really quite fascinating watching her. There’s the urge to just reach out and do it, to “show” her how, especially when the end result could benefit both of us (how great would it be for her to be able to self-soothe in the car?). But I realize that my job as parent goes far beyond showing her what to do. There are going to be many, many times in her life that I can do something quicker and easier than she can. But I know my job as a parent is to make sure she can succeed, to make sure there’s nothing stopping her, to give her the resources and support she needs… and then to stop back and let her learn to do it herself. So I watched her trying again and again. I told her she was doing a great job, that she can do it if she keeps trying. I know the words don’t matter at this point, but I also know that my calm voice and presence helps her stay calm as she works on it.

She didn’t succeed today. But she will soon.

::

I’ve been reading a lot about co-sleeping and found that many cultures sleep with their babies as the standard; Japan is one of them. It must seem so strange to them that most Americans put their babies not just in their own bed, but their own room. The interesting things to me were the little differences in sleep patterns and expectations, things I see in Kate. (Of the articles I read the other day, this is the only one I can find now. Whoops.)

I read that in Japan there doesn’t tend to be a “going to bed” routine like people do here in north america. So many people have told me again and again how important it is to have a routine to get baby ready to sleep, all the sleep books seem to mention it in some form or another. The purpose is to prepare the baby for the idea of sleep, to get them winding down and into the state of mind to go to sleep when put down. My routine is: I wait until Kate seems tired, then I lay down with her. I typically nurse her to sleep. When she’s done nursing she rests her cheek against my breast, gives a sigh and a few nuzzles, and that’s it.

I’ve noticed that Kate doesn’t startle when sleeping next to me. This is one of my great frustrations when trying to get her to nap on her own: every time I put her down her frequent startles tend to wake her up after a relatively short period of time. When she sleeps next to me I do not restrict her arms or legs in any way, other than the arm that tends to get shoved under my boob when she’s hugging it, so it’s not like swaddling, which physically prevents their arms from startling them awake. There’s something about sleeping up next to mama that prevents the moro reflex from occurring.

And then of course, breastfeeding. Kate still wakes up every 3-ish hours to nurse at night, and from everything I’ve read that probably isn’t going to change much even over the next few years. Unlike babies who sleep alone, cosleeping, breastfeeding babies don’t typically sleep for longer stretches of time. I’ll say that this is a hard one to adjust to, mentally. It’s hard not to feel like Kate isn’t progressing “properly” when every other baby her age is slowly sleeping for longer and longer. But this is the normal.

::

I’ve been feeling burned out, and feeling bad for it. It is becoming increasingly clear that Kate does not sleep well when we are out. She’ll nap in the car, she’ll nap while being held…. but only for about 30-45 minutes. That is NOT enough. It leads to a baby who thinks she is awake and wants to play, but just starts crying after 5 minutes – and won’t stop until she falls asleep again. Add to that the problem of us taking her out of and putting her into her carseat, or passing her from person to person (so that we can eat!), and she just doesn’t sleep well at all. Repeat that all a few times and I want to start banging my head against the wall. I found myself saying “I don’t know what her problem is!” several times over the past few days, but I do know: she’s tired, she’s really tired, and she wants a nice long nap.

She still doesn’t like to be put down, and only when awake – which means I am constantly on high alert for the squawking to start. Hell, even when I get her to nap somewhere I’m just basically sitting waiting for her to wake up and cry. Den had some evenings where he was out, then the twins were born and he’s busy on the phone with family and we’re driving to the hospital. Today I think I just hit the point of OMG I need a break from the cranky baby. More than 10 minutes.

I’m realizing that I need some mommy-only time – even if it’s just in the next room. Kate ended up crashing for a nice 3-hour nap in Den’s arms, and I felt positively gleeful. It’s amazing how much my mood improved just by a couple hours spent reading nothing important on the internet and cooking (and eating!) a hot dinner. (Apparently I miss cooking. Who knew!) I feel like skipping down the street singing. Yes, it feels that good. I love holding my baby, I really hate letting her out of my sight…. but my brain needs a break. When I’m on baby duty I feel like I can only half-focus on anything. Talking on the phone, typing online, watching TV… I’m only half tuned-in, the other half of me is always on full antenna mode, ready to jump into action at any moment. Even if she’s asleep. I just can’t fully relax when I’m on-call.

I think I’m going to make a few appointments for the next few weeks: a massage, a haircut, and a chiropractic adjustment. Yes indeed, I think it’s past time for all of those. Oh, and my best friend is going to be visiting this week and I plan to go out to dinner, just the two of us, and I’m going to have a drink or two. Sweet.

Kate’s cousins were born today, the twins. This is a good thing, a cause for celebration. But. They weren’t supposed to be born for another two weeks. It was discovered that one of them was having problems, in fact there were several markers of twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome. They delivered within the hour. One of the babies is tiny, both are in the NICU.

Den and I are both struggling a little bit, overcome with emotion. We are both just so thankful that the babies are okay. In the period between the news of “will be delivering” and “they’re both okay” I was scared, having flashbacks of a dead baby, of devastation and loss. The news that both babies were okay was a huge relief.

But now I just feel sad for me. The sense of danger, of concern for someone else, has passed. After that sigh of relief there always seems to be a flood of new-found grief for me, for the time that it didn’t all work out okay. I layed in bed curled around my sweet little one, alive and healthy and perfect, nuzzling her hair and kissing her forehead in thanks and relief that she is okay. But then I cried for my son, who was not.

Kate was wide awake and definitely NOT tired. She kicked me and wiggled and whined when I layed down with her. Not like her at all. I fed her, changed her, and still she was smiling and cooing at me. Cute, but arg. I ended up sitting up in bed with her sitting between my legs. She played with a toy with all the seriousness a 2-month old can muster while I surfed the web on my phone.

Then we heard it. The diaper being filled. Den changed her. She smiled at us, whined a bit, I gave her a soother and rocked her. Out for the night. She’s now tucked into bed at my side.

No wonder she couldn’t sleep earlier.

::

Kate being asleep for the night does not mean that I can wander off to watch TV, use my laptop, or eat food. I can’t even snuggle my husband. I am now stuck here, laying on my side next to Katherine until she wakes up. As much as I love her sleeping nestled against me – and I do – I wish I could sneak away for a little bit.

At times over the past few weeks I have wondered if I am doing something wrong. Most other babies are sleeping somewhere by themselves by now: napping in a swing, sleeping in a pack’n’play or cosleeper. Kate has reversed; she was taking day naps in her pack’n’play and would sleep some in her swing. Now she wants nothing to do with either. She used to sleep pretty deeply but has slowly shifted into a light sleeper. No matter how gently I attempt to put her down she immediately rouses. Sometimes, if she’s in a nice deep sleep, it takes her a minute or two. Usually her eyes crack open accusingly while I’l
M trying to put her down. A couple weeks ago I could put her down on her belly when tired and she’d fall asleep. Now she dozes and fusses restlessly, as if she’s either unable or unwilling to give in to sleep.

I remind myself that this is just a phase, that she needs me right now and too soon I won’t get the privilege of these snuggles. But I just keep wondering, is it her, or is it something I’m doing? Not that the answer really matters. It is what it is. I continue to try to simply have faith in her, that she will know when she is ready.

The interesting side of sleeping with her is that I actually appreciate the fact that she still wakes every 3 hours; it gives me the opportunity to stretch and roll to my other side! There are some nights I wake before she does, hip aching, waiting for her to wake up.

But then nothing beats opening my eyes in the morning to see her smiling face first.

Listening to Den talking to Katherine is absolutely hysterical. “This little piggy was at home. This little piggy was… well, we don’t know where that piggy was. This little piggy has a personality disorder. And I’m not making aaannnyyyy sense, but I’m talking to a baby here, so who cares.”

He’s trying to occupy her in that horrible half an hour before she finally falls asleep for bed. She’s tired, but not falling asleep, she’s whining. “Waaahhh. Waaahhhhh. Ah! Ah!” Which is made even funnier by the fact that in between her little whines she’s smiling at him, then makes a sad face, then dissolves again. Poor little punkin is tired!

::

I took Kate in the bath for some tubby time today, I needed to get her washed up. I try to do her bath in the afternoon when she’s awake and not too fussy. So we hopped in, I swooshed her around and cooed at her a little. I soap her up and rinse her off quickly, and I try to make it sound and feel fun, like a massage. I get that done first so that if she starts getting fed up during playtime I can make a quick exit – I’ve learned with her not to push her once she’s reached her limit. Once she’s clean I just hold her in the water and let her experience it. Previously she just floated (with my help, of course), smiled at me and looked around. Today she wanted to “sit” between my legs, with one of my hands supporting her under her bum, my other hand around her chest so she couldn’t flop forward. She leaned back against my chest and let her legs float up to the surface. I watched her as she moved her feet around, feeling the water. She seemed mesmerized. Then she gave a big heave and kicked out hard. SPLASH! went her legs. Oh did she get excited! She kept doing it over and over, freezing and staring after each one. She stayed in the water longer than ever before – which was probably only about 10 minutes or so, but that’s at the edge of her attention span for one single activity. I really need to get some pictures and video of her in the tub, but I guess that would mean I’d have to wear a bathing suit!

Speaking of bathing suits, I wanted to buy one for Kate but I’m not sure it’s worth it for August. And I don’t even know what size to buy – she has a small bum! But I’m itching to take her in a pool and see how she does. (We know someone with a heated salt water pool. It’s lovely!!) I plan to start swim lessons with her at the Y, they start at 6 months old so that would mean Dec/Jan would be when she’d start, and I’m not sure she’ll be the same size then as she is now.

::

Also on the topic of shopping, I am having a diaper bag crisis. I had purchased the JuJuBe BeTween. When I got it I had some doubts about the size but tried using it anyways. I loved so much about it, especially the bungee keychain. I love the fabric inside, I love the pockets, I love the mommy pocket. But it was quickly clear that I am an overpacker and it is just too small for anything but quick trips – and with a newborn there’s no such thing as a quick trip. The cloth diapers take up a lot more room than disposables do, plus I like to carry my nursing cover and mai tei carrier with me. I was carrying those items separately, then realized what an idiotic idea it was for me to carry two bags with me everywhere.

I decided I’d try to sell that lovely bag, seeing how it’s barely been used. Then that same day I found a big stain on the front. WTF, how the hell did that happen? Selling or keeping, I am pissed! And it won’t come off! I have absolutely no idea what it’s from. So now I can’t sell it, which means I can’t buy a replacement. So I have a $100 bag sitting in the corner of the room, unused, and I’m using an ugly black backpack. I do not like the backpack. It’s just this big black cavern inside, I’m always fishing around in it. I also can’t use the zippers one-handed, which is a huge problem. I’ve decided what I need size-wise is a big tote, like the BeSpicy. Pockets inside, bright pretty colors, zippered top (but you don’t have to zipper it to keep everything in), and plenty big. But of course I can’t afford another expensive diaper bag. Pissy. If anyone has any ideas for a less-expensive alternative, I’m all ears.

In the past I attended 2 of the Resolve annual conferences in NYC, but I knew there was a more local conference in MA – I just couldn’t go to both. This year I am not feeling ambitious enough to go to NYC so my plan is to hit the MA conference. Last night I was bored with a baby asleep on my chest (meaning I couldn’t go do anything more useful, such as eating or cleaning) so I was cleaning up my calendar for the year. I looked up the conference info for Resolve of the Bay State and scrolled down their page to make note of the time and place. There’s someone’s picture on the page and before I even scrolled down I thought, that looks kinda like Mel, haha. Then I read what it said: “Our Keynote Speaker, 2010: Melissa Ford.” OMG! It IS Mel! Aaahhhh! So not only do I get to go to a kick-ass conference in November but I get to meet the totally kick-ass Mel in the process. Anyone else in MA should put it on their calender, too!

Den and I have been discussing when we are going to return to the RE and how we are going to manage it. We have one frozen embryo from the cycle that created Katherine, but I won’t bank on that one being all we need. Right now our hope is to return to the RE in 2012, when Kate is a year and a half old. I’m pretty sure she’ll have to be weaned before we cycle again, and I absolutely won’t wean her before a year. Plus I’d really like to give her all of my attention for a while. We do want to give her a sibling, but I admit there are times when I wonder if we shouldn’t just stop here and just let it all be about her. I’m obviously not ready to split my attention yet.

Doing IVF again is going to be very different than all the times before. We have Kate – no matter what, we have Kate. There isn’t a black hole we are trying to fill, a blackness trying to swallow us whole.

It’s still hard, though, hearing others talk about having more children. Other moms talk about when they’ll try for another and if they want more – they don’t talk about how they’ll afford to and if it doesn’t work. They don’t have to consider childcare during surgeries and the emotional toll it takes. No, most people talk about accidents or getting pregnant as soon as they decide to. Even though I’m on the other side, I’m a mommy now, I’ll never be able to join in on those conversations. It’s one of the many little reminders.