Revelations
Kate layed on our bed after nursing and spent a great deal of time working on those fists. She’s been trying to get her fists in her mouth for the past week and has been getting extremely frustrated by the whole thing. I couldn’t figure out why – I mean, she seems to have pretty good control of those fists and gets them up to her lips frequently, but mere seconds later she gives a shriek of rage. Tonight as I laid beside her, watched closely, and figured it out: she wants her thumb in her mouth. While she knows how to get her fist in position, she just cannot get that thumb to stick out in such a way that she can fit it in her mouth. Thus the crying.
It was really quite fascinating watching her. There’s the urge to just reach out and do it, to “show” her how, especially when the end result could benefit both of us (how great would it be for her to be able to self-soothe in the car?). But I realize that my job as parent goes far beyond showing her what to do. There are going to be many, many times in her life that I can do something quicker and easier than she can. But I know my job as a parent is to make sure she can succeed, to make sure there’s nothing stopping her, to give her the resources and support she needs… and then to stop back and let her learn to do it herself. So I watched her trying again and again. I told her she was doing a great job, that she can do it if she keeps trying. I know the words don’t matter at this point, but I also know that my calm voice and presence helps her stay calm as she works on it.
She didn’t succeed today. But she will soon.
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I’ve been reading a lot about co-sleeping and found that many cultures sleep with their babies as the standard; Japan is one of them. It must seem so strange to them that most Americans put their babies not just in their own bed, but their own room. The interesting things to me were the little differences in sleep patterns and expectations, things I see in Kate. (Of the articles I read the other day, this is the only one I can find now. Whoops.)
I read that in Japan there doesn’t tend to be a “going to bed” routine like people do here in north america. So many people have told me again and again how important it is to have a routine to get baby ready to sleep, all the sleep books seem to mention it in some form or another. The purpose is to prepare the baby for the idea of sleep, to get them winding down and into the state of mind to go to sleep when put down. My routine is: I wait until Kate seems tired, then I lay down with her. I typically nurse her to sleep. When she’s done nursing she rests her cheek against my breast, gives a sigh and a few nuzzles, and that’s it.
I’ve noticed that Kate doesn’t startle when sleeping next to me. This is one of my great frustrations when trying to get her to nap on her own: every time I put her down her frequent startles tend to wake her up after a relatively short period of time. When she sleeps next to me I do not restrict her arms or legs in any way, other than the arm that tends to get shoved under my boob when she’s hugging it, so it’s not like swaddling, which physically prevents their arms from startling them awake. There’s something about sleeping up next to mama that prevents the moro reflex from occurring.
And then of course, breastfeeding. Kate still wakes up every 3-ish hours to nurse at night, and from everything I’ve read that probably isn’t going to change much even over the next few years. Unlike babies who sleep alone, cosleeping, breastfeeding babies don’t typically sleep for longer stretches of time. I’ll say that this is a hard one to adjust to, mentally. It’s hard not to feel like Kate isn’t progressing “properly” when every other baby her age is slowly sleeping for longer and longer. But this is the normal.
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I’ve been feeling burned out, and feeling bad for it. It is becoming increasingly clear that Kate does not sleep well when we are out. She’ll nap in the car, she’ll nap while being held…. but only for about 30-45 minutes. That is NOT enough. It leads to a baby who thinks she is awake and wants to play, but just starts crying after 5 minutes – and won’t stop until she falls asleep again. Add to that the problem of us taking her out of and putting her into her carseat, or passing her from person to person (so that we can eat!), and she just doesn’t sleep well at all. Repeat that all a few times and I want to start banging my head against the wall. I found myself saying “I don’t know what her problem is!” several times over the past few days, but I do know: she’s tired, she’s really tired, and she wants a nice long nap.
She still doesn’t like to be put down, and only when awake – which means I am constantly on high alert for the squawking to start. Hell, even when I get her to nap somewhere I’m just basically sitting waiting for her to wake up and cry. Den had some evenings where he was out, then the twins were born and he’s busy on the phone with family and we’re driving to the hospital. Today I think I just hit the point of OMG I need a break from the cranky baby. More than 10 minutes.
I’m realizing that I need some mommy-only time – even if it’s just in the next room. Kate ended up crashing for a nice 3-hour nap in Den’s arms, and I felt positively gleeful. It’s amazing how much my mood improved just by a couple hours spent reading nothing important on the internet and cooking (and eating!) a hot dinner. (Apparently I miss cooking. Who knew!) I feel like skipping down the street singing. Yes, it feels that good. I love holding my baby, I really hate letting her out of my sight…. but my brain needs a break. When I’m on baby duty I feel like I can only half-focus on anything. Talking on the phone, typing online, watching TV… I’m only half tuned-in, the other half of me is always on full antenna mode, ready to jump into action at any moment. Even if she’s asleep. I just can’t fully relax when I’m on-call.
I think I’m going to make a few appointments for the next few weeks: a massage, a haircut, and a chiropractic adjustment. Yes indeed, I think it’s past time for all of those. Oh, and my best friend is going to be visiting this week and I plan to go out to dinner, just the two of us, and I’m going to have a drink or two. Sweet.
I was reading some other parents’ nighttime routines once and it made me feel like a total slacker… prayers and books and all sorts of stuff I don’t think I could even try to get my child to do. My baby doesn’t co-sleep but we definitely don’t have a real routine either. No matter what he’s doing, at 7pm, he is ready for bed (he set his own schedule, and is extremely consistent… he will go from happy, playing baby to whiny, overly tired baby in 5 mins flat), we put in the nighttime diaper, swaddle under his arms, nurse to sleep, place in crib. Done. If I tried to delay nursing to read a book or something, he’d be crying 2 pages in. If the baby is happy, when why muck up a perfectly nice evening with extra steps?
I was reading this article today. It mentions the Japanese as yours, but some other good points as well.
http://neuroanthropology.net/2008/12/21/cosleeping-and-biological-imperatives-why-human-babies-do-not-and-should-not-sleep-alone/
How sweet of her to try to figure out her thumb !
Anyways, it sounds like you are overstimulated and cannot nap properly becuase you’re going out so much. I have a friend who is very active and she took her baby out almost every other day in the first three months. THe baby went crazy and eventually so did she. She stopped going out, made sure the baby naps properly and wowza, she suddently slept way better at night !
Mine is breastfed too but I dont think its correct breastfed babies dont sleep longer stretch at night. Mine didnt sleep through the night until like 11 monhts, but she at least slept longer stretches. Its tru that formula babies sleep better (formula is more filling and takes longer to digest) but the difference is not that huge. So if you’re asking for any advice (if not, pls ignore me) i would say: keep working on her sleeping longer and expect it wont happen right away but it will. For us, making sure that Moesha gets proper naps (until 9 months she had 3-4 naps) because our problem was that she was too tired too eat and too hungry to sleep. Because she also didnt like/sleep in her car seats, we didnt go anywhere unless very important. We made sure we didnt go out a lot in the first months neither, because its really important that the baby figures out her own routine and puts her parents on it.
Good luck !
Reading your blog brings it all rushing back for me! Kate sounds like DS was. Similar sleep patterns, unsettled while out, short naps, me on the edge of my seat while he was asleep just waiting for him to wake up any second. I felt like I didn’t do anything other than feed, rock, cuddle my baby for months. We co-slept too, so we were constantly attached.
Every night at around 6pm I would enjoy cooking dinner! who would have thought!! lol I could happily concentrate on something else knowing DH was with DS in the next room and I could potter around the kitchen doing my own thing!
As for night time routines, we do have one. But it just kind of happened – but not until DS was about 11 months. He has a bath every night after dinner (the mess that baby led solids creates, makes this a necessity!!), then we would do some baby massage while getting dressed, have some cuddles, a breastfeed, more cuddles and then he would drift off to sleep. I’m a great believer in following baby’s lead and not forcing them into a routine. A routine will eventually be created anyway, just in a gentler way.
YES on the half focus. And E co sleeps the majority of the time and still started sleeping something like 7 hrs straight without eating on his own without me letting him cry it out. So she may still get there. Only thing is, he backslides when he has any issues… like right now. (teething, allergies.. schedule changes..)
Are you sure I didn’t write this? All that about sleeping (and not sleeping) sounds so much like my son at that age! I wish I’d known someone else going through the exact same thing.
I had a lot of troubles getting my son to nap for more than 30-45 minutes before he was 6 months old. I am not a co-sleeper though so at night, he did sleep in his own bed and although breast fed exclusively, he began sleeping longer stretches (6hrs vs 3hrs) at 9 weeks and was doing a full 10 hours a night by 11 weeks. But still really crappy daytime napping. If I held him during the day…he would sleep for up to 2 hours though….but I couldn’t get anything done, so I just suffered through it and he eventually fell into 2 2 hour naps every day around 6 months old. It all just happened naturally even though I really thought I was the one setting the schedule…I wasn’t … he just did it and I went along with it.
We have always had a bedtime routine though…since he was about 2 months old…we would do a warm bath around 8pm and then I would sit in a quiet, dim-lit room and nurse. We didn’t start reading books or doing the prayers until he was much older and was actually interested in those things. He is now two and we still do a warm bath followed by a couple books, prayers and about 5 minutes of quiet snuggles with either myself or dad in the rocking chair in his room. We then put him in his bed and leave the room. If we don’t follow that routine….he just doesn’t quite get that the day is over now and he needs to settle in to sleep.
But..to your co-sleeping worries…I say you do what is right for your family…feeling a little smothered is so normal at this point…I felt the same way (probably just due to the very frequent nursing) when my son was this age (and like I said…I was not a co-sleeper). My only worry for you is that your poor husband might end up feeling very left out or neglected because you either have Kate in arms, are lying down with her or need him to take her so you can get some “me” time…just be aware that there needs to be some “us” time with your husband. I didn’t realize how important that was and my DH got his feelings hurt a few times and got nervous that our baby had taken his spot in my heart….so not true…but the demands of a new baby sure can make one think that.
kd
Nat,you are only human and its fine to feel burnt out ;).
When Noelia was a few months old,I went through a phase where Id sit on the edge of my bed,sob uncontrolably and say “where on earth did this baby come from?”.
The crying,the wanting to be held,the sleepless nights,the not being able to do something when I needed to (like shower,eat,be with my husband,take a break etc)..it was all SO overwhelming.
I still feel that way at times.There are days when we go out for a walk,I bump into someone I know,and Noelia wont allow me to chit chat.I have to walk away and entertain her..or times when family visits (like a once a year thing) and I cant catch up because Noe cant handle being in the same place for more than a few minutes,so my adult interaction is non exsistant these days..being with my husband when we both want to..nope,not anymore lol
I understand I am a mother,that this is normal..I was prepared for this,I knew it would happen and I love my kids more than anything in the entire world,but I still find myself thinking “If I could just leave Noelia with a sitter for a while and do my own freakin thing!!!”..kwim?
One gets emotionally exsausted.
At that moment,I do feel bad..but everyone needs a break and you certainly do feel so much better when you are able to disconect for a short while.
Its nice to be able to chat with a fellow adult without being dragged away,its nice to take a long shower and take your time,its nice to be able to move at your own pace every once in a while ;)
You make sure you get those moments..if you have a husband that will help you (which I dont) then thats fantastic girl!! :)
I hope you have a really good time on your girls night out :)
I was going to ditto what others said about BFing babies going longer stretches. My DS was exclusively BF and around the 8-10 week mark, he started sleeping longer stretches at night. We still had our nights where he was up every 1-2 hours but more nights than not he would go anywhere from six to sometimes 12 hours between feedings! I can’t tell you how freaked I was the first night he did the 12 hours.
I think we aimed for a consistent bedtime around 8 weeks but that was more of watching him and realizing he had a sweet spot around the same time each evening where putting him down was easy vs. waiting too long and dealing with the overtired fallout.
I think the short naps at this age are also more the norm. My son took about five 30-45 minute naps a day until he was around the six month mark. Around that time, he consolidated some of them to taking one longer nap and then two still shortish naps. We tried all kinds of things to get them longer but nothing worked. Whether he slept on me, in the swing, swaddled, unswaddled, he was awake by 45 minutes.
It sounds like you are doing great.