Scars
I feel like I’ve lost my grounding. The arrival of the twins is making me emotional about several different things, as if one emotional disruptance makes everything else shaky, too. Not to mention that such events tend to involve the entire extended family, and dealing with a bunch of people at once is exhausting. Being social is exhausting, period.
I have this huge urge to help somehow, but then so does everyone else, it seems. If anyone has any advice for what we can say to or do for parents of babies in the NICU please let me know. Den and I visited tonight and now I think we’re just going to pull back and give them space.
I have to keep reminding myself that I have a baby. That may sound silly, seeing how I can barely manage to put her down, but after 4 years there’s a strong kneejerk reaction to babies, especially newborns in hospitals. My time there giving birth feels like a dream – well no wonder, seeing how I was in and out so quickly. It’s almost a shock to look down and see Kate’s pretty little face and remember, oh, oh yes. My heart is not so broken anymore. Then I smile and cuddle her a little bit closer.
It’s strange because I have no concept of this in-between. I had one blissful pregnancy that ended in tragedy all at once, and one nervewracking pregnancy that finished simply anf easily with a healthy full-term baby. I never struggled with babies that are born but not with me, who may or may not be okay. My emotions fluctuate wildly. Some moments I’m in tears, then the wall slams down to protect myself and I feel very little at all. Letting anything in just brings everything bubbling up. I think it will take me some time to process it all.
I think it is hardest because it’s family. If it were a best friend I could be right in there beside her; an aquaintance I could just let it be and focus on my own life. But family is so hard, always right there, but far enough away to make you feel completely useless.
No advice, but much love. ♥
our girl was born 10 weeks prem after a placental abruption landed me in hospital with a general anaesthetic and emergency c-section. (she had been due june 1st, so its cool seeing how she and kate are both coming along since they were due about the same time). She had to be transfered to a bigger hospital about 700km away, and her daddy and i followed. She was in hospital for about 6 and half weeks, and had heart surgery at about 3 weeks of age. For us, What helped was some physical help from friends and family- help with washing, meals (especially since we were so far from home), and some space- space to listen and to share our experience with, but also not having expectations that we wanted to talk, and some understanding that we weren’t always available to talk on the phone/on person as Ella had to come first. The NICU drs and nurses were mostly amazing, although it was horrible when a nurse was having a bad day because one snap/cranky moment had a really big effect on us. Looking after her as much as we could, even nappy changes, pumping breast milk and doing her nasogastric feeds all helped. The bigest thing tho, and this has only been healing in hindsight, is when it all ended. Being home, with her, and the extra time of a few months has helped us both to feel better about everything that happened because it led us to right now, and the healthy snuggly baby in our arms. time passing is a wonderful thing. Good luck to them in this difficult time. And good luck to you and den. I am so glad that you have the precious healing of kate in your arms
My son was born premature and he was in the NICU for a month.I was 18.
In all honesty,I never needed anything material…but I craved company,someone to talk to,someone to be there for me kwim?
I think thats the best you can offer..a shoulder to cry on.Just be there ;) I loved it when people visited because it took my mind off of what was happening,and I loved just being able to talk and get things off of my chest.
Id visit (if possible) and keep a positive attitude about the babies..like,its very nerve wracking to have your babies in the NICU and have your own family turn up with a “Im so sorry” or extremely worried looks on their faces.When going through that,through experience,I can tell you that you need to be surrounded by everything strong and positive,because anything else just makes you crumble kwim?
HTH Nat.
Sorry this post is so rushed (im off to the docs) if I missed anything,just let me know :)
I had premature twins over 10 years ago, and I can still remember those days in NICU like they were yesterday. Even when the twins were doing well, and ours never experienced any critical setbacks, we worried. It is just plain stressful to have your children in the hospital, and when they are newborns you feel even more helpless.
As a NICU parent, your first priority is your hospitalized child/children. Next is your spouse, then your own needs (sleep, food). Basically you don’t look after yourself the way you should. Anything you as a family member can do to alleviate that is huge. It can be a phone call, coffee at the hospital cafeteria, food brought in either from your own kitchen or a favorite eatery, a quick shoulder massage and your own shoulder for crying upon.
My husband and I didn’t have any family nearby when the boys were born, and I would have killed for any contact and TLC that took my mind, even for five minutes, away from the worry about my sons. Hope this helps!
This was really helpful to me when a friend had a baby in the NICU…Hopefully you will find some help in it for you as well!
http://thespohrsaremultiplying.com/2009/03/nicu-eff-ay-que/
My son only there 8 days, but I would say the bringing home much different than my due date second. I’d pbly offer a meal or two and or help with a shift for mom to get rest. I was up every two hours for quite a while. Ten times harder than fullterm babe.