Planning again
In the past I attended 2 of the Resolve annual conferences in NYC, but I knew there was a more local conference in MA – I just couldn’t go to both. This year I am not feeling ambitious enough to go to NYC so my plan is to hit the MA conference. Last night I was bored with a baby asleep on my chest (meaning I couldn’t go do anything more useful, such as eating or cleaning) so I was cleaning up my calendar for the year. I looked up the conference info for Resolve of the Bay State and scrolled down their page to make note of the time and place. There’s someone’s picture on the page and before I even scrolled down I thought, that looks kinda like Mel, haha. Then I read what it said: “Our Keynote Speaker, 2010: Melissa Ford.” OMG! It IS Mel! Aaahhhh! So not only do I get to go to a kick-ass conference in November but I get to meet the totally kick-ass Mel in the process. Anyone else in MA should put it on their calender, too!
Den and I have been discussing when we are going to return to the RE and how we are going to manage it. We have one frozen embryo from the cycle that created Katherine, but I won’t bank on that one being all we need. Right now our hope is to return to the RE in 2012, when Kate is a year and a half old. I’m pretty sure she’ll have to be weaned before we cycle again, and I absolutely won’t wean her before a year. Plus I’d really like to give her all of my attention for a while. We do want to give her a sibling, but I admit there are times when I wonder if we shouldn’t just stop here and just let it all be about her. I’m obviously not ready to split my attention yet.
Doing IVF again is going to be very different than all the times before. We have Kate – no matter what, we have Kate. There isn’t a black hole we are trying to fill, a blackness trying to swallow us whole.
It’s still hard, though, hearing others talk about having more children. Other moms talk about when they’ll try for another and if they want more – they don’t talk about how they’ll afford to and if it doesn’t work. They don’t have to consider childcare during surgeries and the emotional toll it takes. No, most people talk about accidents or getting pregnant as soon as they decide to. Even though I’m on the other side, I’m a mommy now, I’ll never be able to join in on those conversations. It’s one of the many little reminders.
I got pregnant easily enough that I imagine that I can have another child when we choose, but a big part of me doesn’t want to split the attention either. And I have so much time to enjoy and really devote myself to my baby and it makes me sad that I won’t have as much if we have another baby.
In a strange, roundabout way I can totally relate to the TTC frustration. I don’t have to worry about the cost the way you do, but we have to get the approval of 3 doctors before we even consider trying…and even then there are no guarantees…just the possibility of a lot of heartbreak and lost hope.
I do sincerely hope that Kate gets a sibling and that the process is as quick and painless (emotionally and financially) as possible.
Major hugs.
Zita
nat,
since we’ve emailed before (after both of our failed cycles in Dec/Jan 2008/2009) you know I have been there too…ugh. I had one IVF that was successful, conceived twins, lost one of our boys. Second cycle, got pg with one boy. third cycle…BFN. Fourth cycle my now 7 month old son. we have four frozen.
people look at me and almost always assume i’m fertile and “wow do you KNOW what causes pregnancy?” (yes, someone once asked me that!!!) but the truth is, no matter what, we are always going to have a different perspective. it doesn’t make our babies more precious or every fertile couple our enemy. it just makes us a bit different, i suppose. i have absolutely no desire to use our embryos till 2012 yet EVERY time a friend or co-worker gets pg there is this tiny little part of me that feels a nasty twinge of jealousy and anger and then i go down the road of “what if our frozen embroys are not viable…blah blah…”
but yes, you have Kate and now you can trust the process. it will always be different but it will also always be something that, because every step is laid out for you, you are deeply a part of…
Oh the planning..yes,we do sometimes take that for granted :/ I remember planning for my older daughter,and 5 months later,I was pregnant.My first wasnt even planned! Pregnany wasnt some miraculous thing for me,it was just something normal/natural,like breathing.I didnt stare in awe at pregnant women,neither did I apreciate my body..
But this last time things didnt go the way I planned and it through me through a loop.
It took me 13 months,Metformin and Clomid (5 rounds) to get pregnant and boy did that change my perspective! Ok,it wasnt IVF,and neither did we try for years..but realising that making a baby was not just a matter of having lots of fun with DH and “relaxing” made me into a very angry and bitter person.
I used to hate seeing the typical “Ive been TTC for 32 seconds and Im pregnant” posts on the TTC board on JM,and I became bitter about the women who called themselfs “Fertile mertile” etc
I know it wasnt their fault,but to me,at that moment in my life,it felt as if they were bragging,or saying “Hey,I can get pregnant fast..whats your problem?”..it was awful.
I even remember the names of a few girls who posted once on that board,and their next post was just to say that they had got a BFP and they were moving into a DDC..I HATED it.
The worst part is,once you actually have kids,no one cares when you cant have a second and third..how dare you be so selfish as to whine when you already have one (or two)!..its never ending :( The bitterness is just there.Its normal.
It certainly made me see things differently though..like now,I see a pregnant woman and think “WOW! That is a true miracle..totally amazing.How can she stand it? Thats SO exiting!!”.
Pregnancy,babies etc,its all just mind blowing to me now,and the funny thing is,I was on the other side 10 years ago.I was on the side that thought it was so easy and straight forward,there for I felt no apreciation or pity what so ever for the couples who have to go through hell and back in order to have a child..I just didnt know.
I was on the side that kept telling those who werent getting pregnant to “relax” and “have fun”…yet now,I could literally slap people who give that advice lol.
I do beleive that the more difficult the fight,the more you apreciate the prize.I dont care what anyone says,you just do.
YOu *have* changed Nat..of course you have,but in a really wonderful way,beleive me ;)