When Kate gets tired it’s an obvious thing, with her wailing and whining far more than is normal. It can come out of nowhere, from happy baby to needs-a-nap baby in the blink of an eye. Thankfully she’s very predictable so I almost always know that it’s coming any minute.

It can be a little bit of a hassle to drop everything and take her to bed and lay down with her until I can get her settled. Sometimes my immediate reaction is annoyance at being interrupted. But as soon as I lay down with her I immediately feel my body relax, releasing tensions I wasn’t even aware of. The hormones of breastfeeding further knead at my body, softening it. The rest of the world melts away and I curl closer to my baby, kiss her hair, breathe her in. Sometimes in that moment I realize how exhausted I am and I choose to stay there and drift away, napping with my daughter. Most of the time I get up and return to whatever I was doing before… but with more calm, more patience, more appreciation.

Kate still listens to that voice inside that tells her to drop everything and sleep to recharge her batteries. Being an adult I’ve forgotten how to do that, I need her to constantly remind me.

I love animals. I always have. When I was 7 we got a cat. When I was 12 I got my own dog (with permission from only one parent – yeah, that didn’t go over well). It was like I was born knowing that I had to have them in my life. Which is why we ended up with two dogs and two cats. I always swore that nothing would make them less important to me… but sadly infertility treatments, pregnancy, and a baby have all served to cut my patience in half and I find they irritate me more than not nowadays. I know it will probably pass, but it does make me sad to realize that I just don’t have the mental space for them anymore. I love them, but I don’t necessarily want to spend all my free time dealing with them – which is kind of what happens. If Kate’s not in our arms then we get a cat crawling up into our face, a dog barking for attention, and someone banging on the water bowl that is empty. It’s exhausting, and a little bit frustrating. I am definitely re-thinking my sanity in having four pets at the same time.

Normally it’s just mildly irritating, but there are times when I want to drop-kick someone. Like last night, when Zeeke barked just after Kate and I had drifted off. And it wasn’t the “grrrr-woof” that they sometimes make. No, this was a full out german shepherd “BARK BARK BARK!!!!!!!” Piercing. Loud. And it woke Kate up.

Now for naps if something goes wrong with the going-to-sleep attempt I just get her up and wait until she gets sleepy again, usually in about 15 minutes. But if it happens when we go to bed for the night? All HELL breaks loose. It was the moving-to-cosleeper-mistake all over again. She was wide awake, refusing to nurse, didn’t want to lay down. I tried for 20 minutes to get her to drift off again, but she fought me. So we switched tactics and Den sat her in the exersaucer to play until she got tired. Which sounds like a good idea, wounds like it would work. Instead when she got tired she had the meltdown of meltdowns, screaming like banshees were stealing her soul, and nothing we did could get her to stop. We walked her, rocked her, shushed her, attempted to nurse her… she kept on screaming. It was like something snapped in her poor tired brain and all she could see was Overtired – Alert! System meltdown in progress! I put her in the mei tai and walked her around and thankfully that, for whatever reason, got through to her and she passed out on me. I slowly unwrapped her and layed down with her to sleep.

Now had that been the end of it we would just have been saying, okay, well next time we’ll just put her in the mei tai. But it wasn’t. She fell asleep, but it wasn’t a nice calm, deep sleep. She was fitful and restless all night long, whimpering, squirming and twitching. I had to soothe her many, many times. She nursed constantly, but never really got a good feed. It was beyond frustrating. I don’t think I even got an hour stretch, I woke up exhausted.

She’s been kind of strung-out today, periods of happy interspersed with periods of crying for no apparent reason. She slept on and off most of the morning, and then we took a 2-hour nap in the afternoon, but she’s still not great. The lack of a good night’s sleep really hit her hard. (Surprisingly I am doing much better than expected.)

Tomorrow is her 4-month ped appointment and I’m definitely interested to see if her ear infection is 100% gone. What I don’t get is why she won’t settle down and fall asleep, why waking back up at that critical moment totally ruins the entire night. It is utterly frustrating. Yet normally she lays down and falls asleep without an issue. I mean, before Zeeke woke her up she was happily, peacefully falling asleep without any fuss or complaint.

“What are you going to do with the cats?” they said when I was pregnant. “What do you mean?” I asked them.

“Well you’re going to have to keep them away from the baby, right?”

I guess they figured the cats would attack the baby or something.

Or would react badly to having their fur grabbed.

They’re probably right. Cats and babies, I just don’t see that working out.

(Just a disclaimer that Merlin jumped up there voluntarily and was free to leave at any point. I think he actually liked it. He’s a weird cat.)

I am pretty certain at this point that Kate has another (or the same?) ear infection. She had those few really bad nights where she just wouldn’t lay down – but they were interspersed with good nights so I thought it was situational. In the last couple of days, however, I’m noticing more behaviors that are just “off.” She’s fidgeting at night. She’s waking up crying instead of smiling. She’s crying when I change her diaper. All of those could be totally normal for other babies, but it’s just not normal for her. Something’s just not right… if it’s not an ear infection then possibly teething, or maybe “just a stage”… but I really want the doctor to check her ears. She has an appointment in a couple of hours.

It’s hard when you think there might be something more going on but are not totally sure. It screws up all the patterns you’ve gotten used to, and really makes your brain start going in ten different directions. Last night Den was watching Kate while I was out for a couple of hours and I came home to an utter disaster of a crying, overtired, refusing-to-sleep-for-daddy baby. So is that something that we need to work on, her not sleeping for daddy? Or was that because she’s miserable and fighting sleep because of the ears? She’s been crankier during the day so I start thinking maybe I need to actively put her down for naps on the bed and not go out so much… but is the cranky because of changing needs for naps, or the ears? I’ve pretty much written this week off and will have to make decisions and observations next week.

I also find myself feeling a little bit upset about the ear infection thing, and not just because she’s miserable and I don’t like seeing my baby cry. I’m angry that this little illness has messed up the past month. She is only this age once and I want to see my happy baby again, this isn’t who she normally is. So I feel like I’ve missed out on an entire week – more than that, this has been screwing around for the past month. It’s ridiculous, but I almost want to cry.

::

Den and I have talked it over and have decided that I am going back to school.

I have a Bachelor’s Degree in Computer Information Systems (basically computer programming) and I’ve always kind of had on my long-term view getting some fancy job as a programmer. And yet I always found myself making excuses, reasons why I couldn’t get a job, why I didn’t bother looking. I did freelancing here and there with web design and realized that’s definitely not for me either. I do love to program. I love code, I love details, I love problem-solving. But…

I find myself being pulled in a different direction. These past five years have been all about infertility, pregnancy, breastfeeding, babies. I researched the hell out of all of these things, submerged myself in them. But more than that, I enjoy it. I am passionate about it. I could talk for hours about IVF and pregnancy – and not just the emotional patient aspect, but the medical details aspect. One of the sessions at the conference I am going to (in November! Yay!) is all about what happens in the IVF lab. I read that and squealed with delight. Oh! So exciting! So interesting!

Den has been gently encouraging me to follow this path, these interests, by taking courses in Biology. I resisted at first because, seriously? Biology? In high school when asked what my favorite classes were I could list off a bunch: Computers, Math, Physics, even Chemistry. Most disliked class? Biology, straight-up. I hated that class. Dissecting something? Oh my god no; I sat in the hall and cried while my lab partner did it. There was a lot of memorization (which I hate). Basically it was the furthest thing from my interests as could possibly be. I loved code, numbers, math.

It’s kind of strange to realize that I never ever would have chosen this path, found this passion, if it weren’t for everything we have gone through in the last five years. Our struggles have changed my life path in ways far beyond the obvious.

So now I’ve been accepted to the local college and I’m planning to take a 100-level biology class starting in January. We can’t afford more than one class a semester right now, and it will have to be an evening class so that Den can watch Kate while I’m in class, but I will be going back to school. I’m really excited. I loved college. I love getting new notebooks and organizing information and learning. I love taking on something new, especially a challenge to break down and tackle.

I’m still not 100% sure that this is what I want to do with the rest of my life, but over the next couple of years I’ll take some classes and see how it “fits” on me. With a biology degree I could work in embryology as a lab tech, or as a researcher, or… who knows what else is out there. Maybe this is what I’ve been waiting for.

I have a sling, ringsling, Kozy and Beco carrier. I don’t have an Ergo, and everyone has been talking about how awesome they are. I want one! Heavenly Hold is holding a contest for the month of September, giving away a free Ergo! I’m don’t exactly have much luck with, errr, anything, but it’s worth a try.

First off, Kate does NOT have another ear infection. She has a little bit of fluid still in her right ear, but the Dr says it can take a long while to fully drain, and it’s not anything he would consider bad enough to treat. I was surprized to hear it – relieved, yes, but also perplexed.

Louise posted about “wonder weeks” in the comments, and maybe that’s it. She’s just been a little weird this week. Random crying for no apparent reason; meltdowns much faster than usual; not sleeping even when I know she’s tired (leading to yet more meltdowns). It can be rather perplexing.

The sleep thing is really irritating, as we’ve been very spoiled with her sleep. All I’ve ever had to do is lay down with her and nurse her. That’s it. She always falls asleep. So for her to finish nursing and then just fidget and whine and refuse to sleep, well I just lay there staring at her and I don’t know what to do. I’m all, “What is this?!” I figured she must be sick or something. She’s not. So, uhh… crap?

Tonight I got her to sleep by singing her lullabies. Apparently she really liked that, she stopped fidgeting soon as I started singing. (And then I had to keep singing, making up words because who the hell remembers all the words?) But then she woke back up and tried convincing me she was AWAKE and READY TO PLAY, when it’s 10pm and I know she is so not. So I ended up putting her in the Kozy and begging Den to bring up the exercise ball from the basement so I could bounce on it. It took 20 minutes of her staring around the room like a mini zombie before she finally headplanted on my chest and fell asleep.

At the same time I’m feeling that it’s time to move her into her crib. Not in her own room, no way I could handle that, but I am suddenly not sleeping well. She’s wanting to sleep longer stretches and I feel terrifically guilty for waking her up every 2-ish hours so I can change sides. I’m warm, I’m restless, and I have wicked insomnia. She’s fine sleeping without being squished up against me, but that leaves me relegated to the middle of the bed where it’s not flat, sinking in towards my husband who is really hot and had pointy elbows and stuff. After I layed there in the middle wide awake for 3 hours last night I realized nope, this isn’t working anymore. I tried putting her in the cosleeper again but it just didn’t work. I’m hoping I have more success with the crib side-carred.

Her opinions on sleep are definitely changing. This morning when she was tired I layed down with her, nursed her, and then she fussed and pushed me away. Yeah. So I scooted back a foot – still close enough to stroke her hair and put the paci back in when she pulled it out – and let her be. I had to give her my shirt to grab in her hands, but then poof, sleeping baby. I walked out of the bedroom with the biggest “WTF?” look on my face.

Next nap didn’t work quite the same. She’s fighting it: grabbing at me, giving little “I’m so tired!” whimper-cries, nursing, not-nursing. I just have to wait for her to settle down. She’s trying to figure it out, but I can tell she’s a little bit frustrated. Oh, then she got the hiccups. How irritating.

The word of the week is PATIENCE.

She’s recently (like last week) learned how to grab her paci, and she’s obsessed with it now. Which is just so effing irritating because she pulls it out every 30 seconds – and she doesn’t know how to put it back in yet. So it’s *suck suck* *pulls it out* *holds it up and stares at it* *drops it* *cries and roots*. Repeat about ten billion times (slight exaggeration). She does it all day long, but it’s worst when she’s tired because she continually wakes herself back up. Headdesk. I cannot wait until she learns to put it back in. I may cry tears of joy.

But all that being said, it’s kind of cool to see her learning new things, exploring what her hands can do, experimenting with cause-and-effect.

How is she 4 months old already? I got teary when I packed up all her size 3M summer dresses – it is too cool for dresses now that fall is here, and obviously she won’t ever be wearing them again. Not that she wore dresses very often at all, but still, they were hers and they were cute.

Today I went to the library and picked up The No-Cry Nap Solution, by Elizabeth Pantley. What a fantastic book! This is actually one of the cases where I wish I’d bought the book, instead of just borrowing it! It’s not just that the information is good – because it is – but also I love the tone she takes throughout. She’s very, “Do whatever works for you,” and, “Here’s some suggestions that might help.” She even states outright in several places in the book that if what you are doing creates a happy child and works for your family then by all means keep doing it! (Unlike many other sleep books, which basically say there is only ONE way to put your child to sleep, and if you don’t do it you are sabotaging yourself and your child.) She also talks about why certain things work well, or why certain problems consistently crop up. It’s logical, it’s based on very simple ideas, and it just feels good.

I nurse Kate to sleep. It is not the ONLY way to get her to sleep – she’ll go to sleep in a carrier or carseat with a pacifier – but primarily that’s it. The key thing I’ve read tonight is that babies who are nursed to sleep typically don’t need any routine or other specific attachments, nursing to sleep is the primary, overriding factor. That’s why she falls asleep so easily even though we have no bedtime routine, no wind-down period, nothing of the like. If she’s tired I take her in and nurse her and bam, she’s out. Easy-peasy. And like Elizabeth says, it works. At least it does until I’m out for the evening and Denis needs to put her to sleep. Then all hell breaks loose. So either he needs to pop her in the carrier for sleep while I’m out, or I need to change her associations.

The other problem this creates is that if she rouses from sleep for whatever reason – like between sleep cycles – she doesn’t know how to get herself back to sleep without nursing. Although she does sleep with her paci, and that sometimes is enough to get her through. (And god forbid she drop the paci!) Since she started napping on our bed I’ve noticed she sleeps for almost exactly one hour, every single nap. I had already assumed it was one full sleep cycle, since it was so consistent, and Elizabeth definitely confirmed that. Unfortunately she should be having two full cycles for a complete nap. Elizabeth calls a one cycle nap a “cat-nap.” This also explains why Kate is awake for a much shorter time span than most babies her age. Right now she’s up for about an hour before she starts showing signs that she’s tired… sometimes an hour and a half. And as soon as she stops being a happy baby and starts being fussy I take her, change her, and put her down for a nap… where she sleeps for an hour.

I’m on the fence about if this is an actual problem to anything other than me scheduling things outside of the house. Kate sleeps an appropriate 15-ish hours a day (10-ish overnight with me, 5-6 during naps), she wakes up happy and good to go, and she stays happy until that magic 1-hour mark where she gets fussy and quickly turns into a cranky, overtired baby. I mean, it would be nice if she slept for longer naps and was happy and alert for a little bit longer, but I also know that will come with time. She’s actually done a couple of 2-hour stretches on her own (causing me to worry, of course!). If she’s happy, I’m happy.

The only other time this is an issue – a small one, but frustrating – is bedtime. Kate is showing signs that she would like to go to bed at around 8pm. I turned off all the lights, set the white-noise and lullabyes, swaddled her lightly (lower half only, as per Kate’s preferences), and she drifted off peacefully. And woke up an hour later. Hummm. Baby should be sleeping. I tried getting her back down, but she was all “Not tired anymore!” So she was up past 10pm again. She’ll probably be awake in another hour, but then I’ll be ready to go to bed with her so… whatever. She sleeps until about 9am so, again, she’s getting enough sleep, just not exactly in the “normal” timeframe. Okay, this one may not be so much a “problem”…. I rather like sleeping in until 9!

Another interesting point: Elizabeth says in regards to sleep she considers “newborn” to be up to 4 months old, which apparently is when their sleep habits change. Obviously I have figured that one out, since Kate is most definitely in transition! I have heard stories of many, many mothers whose babies are all going through sleep changes at 4 months old (give or take). This is the area I am most definitely seeing the biggest change-over from her newborn behavior.

It’s all very fascinating, in any case. The book has many simple, easy-to-do solutions for every nap problem, and all of them involve providing a loving, comfortable alternative to existing behaviors – so they’re not quick-fixes, many do require transition periods where you slowly wean off one behavior to replace a more desirable one. It’s true to its title, too: nothing involves letting your baby cry or feel scared or upset. I love that. So many books on the market just make me feel uncomfortable because they don’t work with my parenting belief. This one does.

I think she might be related to me. LOL In pictures straight-on my face shape is much different than hers (mine was – and is – very long, hers is round), but the features, and certain angles? Wow.

Me, at 7 weeks old

Kate, 18 weeks