I happen to be very loyal to my possessions. When I find something that works for me I tend to take care of them and hold on to them. This is why three and a half years after I moved to the US and got a cell phone I still have the same phone. I like it. I took care when selecting it, visiting the store to touch all of the options in person and ask questions about what one would work best in our house (which tends to prevent great reception). I ended up with a very solid LG flip phone, it has great reception, long battery life, works reliably, and is pretty. I know we can “trade up” every year or two if we want to – Den is on his third, for various reasons – but I will glance at the options and ask why I would bother with the hassle if my current phone is working just fine.

The one problem I have had are the keys. I feel like I was born with a QWERTY keyboard at my fingertips, and having to use the T9 function with the letters in alphabetical order results in a slow hunt-and-peck version of typing. I don’t do a lot of texting, but if I were to get a new phone it would have to have a QWERTY keyboard or there’s just really no point in switching.

A couple of days ago I was poking around the Verizon Wireless website to see what options I might have. I peeked at the Blackberries and ooo! They had PINK Blackberries! With QWERTY keyboards! And they were majorly discounted with rebates. The Blackberry Curve was only $100. And it was pink, did I mention the pink? I knew then what I wanted to do.

Of course detailed searching online, a visit to a nearby Verizon store, and talking with a service rep via IM on their website has pretty much sufficiently doused my enthusiasm. We have some Major Issues.

The family plan we currently have is a little more expensive than its the nation-wide counterpart because it includes Canada roaming and long-distance. No extra fees. Anytime I call my parents and talk for two hours (which can be frequently), or visit my parents and use my phone to call my husband or deal with businiess, I don’t have to worry about getting slapped with a huge bill. It’s all included. Needless to say this is very important for us to have.

I asked the Rep online if I could keep this plan and get a new phone. No, we have to upgrade to one of their new plans. Okay, do you have a plan that includes Canada? Yes. How much is the family plan? Oh, we don’t offer a family plan. Just a single plan. ….. What? So basically, their response is, “Sorry, you’re SOL.” According to their online options we can never get new phones, because we would lose our plan. We’d either have to get separate plans (very expensive) or pay per minute for all calls to Canada on top of our airtime (also very expensive). I’m pissed.

Earlier in the day I had gone into the local store to see the phones in person and ask a couple of questions. They have the phones. They also have a family plan that includes Canada. (How the fuck does a local store have it, but Verizon online doesn’t?? That makes NO sense.) The plan happens to cost $10 more per month than what we currently pay. And those Blackberries? The “discounted” price with a new 2 year plan is $199. Holy fuck. That’s a lot more than online. That’s twice what we can afford, and I’m sorry but a new phone is not worth that much to me.

Oh, and all of those costs are not including the $30/month extra we’d have to pay to get email on my Blackberry, which is kind of what I was hoping for. I’m at the bank three and a half days a week with no access to email, which is making it difficult for me to stay on top of client emails, since they usually contact me during business hours. If I want to continue doing that I really do kinda need email access somehow. (This also makes the QWERTY keypad that much more important.)

That’s Verizon’s answer to us: lose the plan and get the cheap phone, or keep the plan and pay out your ass for the phone. I am pretty pissed off.

So I called AT&T. I was told they have an international plan that is just $5.99/month on top of a nationwide plan – which ends up being cheaper than what we are currently paying. They carry the Blackberries, and on the website are even cheaper than Verizon. It’s the same $30/month for email access.

BUT. AT&T only has the silver Curve. No pink!! Sonofa.

Den’s telling me it’ll all work out and that it’s a Christmas gift. Christmas gift or not, I am really struggling to justify the extra expense on a damn phone. Do I really need email that bad? I just wanted to spend like $50 for a cute new phone. How did it turn into a big headache? I think I hate wireless companies.

Sonofagun. My husband went online and ordered me my new pink Blackberry with email… and didn’t have to change plans. It let him just “renew” for 2 years. That’s all. Bing bang done.

Can anyone explain how things just magically work out for husbands?! And why customer service reps lie to me??

I’m getting a pink phone. With keyboard. Squee!

It’s kind of reassuring that, despite what I am dealing with and what I have been through, I am still far less screwed up than many other people. In fact, I think I’m coping remarkably well for the shit hand I’ve been dealt so far. Depression and anxiety, infertility, child loss… and I’m still functional.

And here I used to think I was the messed up one.

My beautiful, awesome looking phone was delivered yesterday. It is being shipped back tomorrow. Broken. :( I try to charge it, it doesn’t charge. I pretty much assumed there was a problem, not something stupid I was doing, but called technical support. Stayed on hold for 20 minutes waiting to speak to a live person. Was finally connected, gave the woman my info, mentioned my problem and…. phhtttt the phone I was talking on shut itself off. Aggghhhh!!! I was not amused. Used Den’s phone to call back, had to sit on hold for another 20 minutes to get a live person. And yeah, it’s a problem, have to send it back. Grrrr. I have a pre-paid FedEx label to use and I’ll probably get the replacement monday, but STILL. I want it now! Sigh. I really like the look and feel of this phone… errr, crackberry. I really think I’m going to like it.

And just think, next time I can be emailing/blogging from the ultrasounds, appointments, and even from the labor room.

::

Today I called HR to clarify some things about the health insurance forms, then packaged them up and stuck them in the inter-office mail. I included a note about how I have some precedures coming up and am really hoping to get my insurance card/number as soon as my coverage starts. Next step is I have to forward all this info to the IVF insurance coordinator. I just have to wait for that magic number and we can kick the next stage forward.

Which is, oh, next week. Next tuesday is the day that my insurance coverage starts. Next week is when I need to start lupron. OMG. I feel… almost giddy. And I can’t begin to tell you how good that feels. Those who are further into BabyLoss Land probably know exactly what I mean, and those of you in BabyLoss Land who aren’t here yet probably can’t even picture the day. (And the rest of you, well, it’s hard to explain when you have no frame of reference.) But I feel like I have a glimpse of how it could be someday, when I don’t feel aweful all the time. Some real tangible evidence that one day I really will feel joy again. I won’t always feel terrible. That was the one thing I desperately wanted to know.

I cannot imagine my next child. I can’t. I can’t agree on any names with my husband, because I really just cannot picture this other child, a not-Devin. But that doesn’t mean it won’t come to be. I think, more than anything, what I have learned is to surrender to life. To awknowledge what I do not and cannot know, with the understanding and acceptance that some day I may understand. Some day I may not. But I am able to shelve these ideas and not worry about them, for it is not now. When it is now, then I will worry and think and plan. For the time being I will simply let it be. And I’m okay with that.

One thing I am really really missing about being pregnant: I am fucking freezing!! Last winter was the first winter my hands didn’t feel like they were going to fall off. My blood runs cold – when everyone else is hot, I am comfortable. Which probably explains why I was comfortably wearing turtlenecks all through my pregnancy, when most 8-months-pregnant people are parked in front of an open window in the dead of winter. Typically I am a block of ice. Like now.

::

I drove home from work today feeling almost content. I like working full-time. It feels good to be productive, to be busy, to be an adult.

The thing is, I am 26 years old and had never before worked full-time or at any point supported myself. I lived with my parents, supported by them, while I attended college. Summers, instead of working full-time as many students do, I visited the United States to be with Den, and was not allowed to work. After I graduated I immigrated to the United States, and was fully dependent on my husband for everything, as per the immigration rules (again, unable to work for quite some time). Den has supported us almost 100% since then, with me working part-time for a mere fraction of what he earns.

But now I have a real job, the kind of job people actually support themselves on. I have signed myself up for my own health and dental insurance. I have paid vacation and sick leave. I am still not making anywhere close to what Den does, but for the first time I’m making a living.

Don’t get me wrong, I have no worries that Den won’t be able to support us, or that he would ever leave me to fend for myself. But a part of me has always wondered, am I even capable of supporting myself? Am I the type of person who can’t handle a normal adult life, who would require someone to take care of me? I never thought I was, but there was always that question in my head. Maybe I was just… not capable. I don’t think I need to point out that I’m rather independent. Being entirely dependent on someone else is not exactly easy for me.

I feel relief at the answer. I drove home singing along with the radio, trying to flexing my toes in my fancy high-heeled shoes, thinking about the nice blackberry I’ll be getting next week.

::

1 week until lupron, 2 weeks until stims.

Today I got into work to find an interoffice envelope on my desk from the HR person. Of course my first thought was, “Crap! Did I not fill something out right?!” I opened it up to read a note from her asking me to sign something. It was just a confirmation form acknowledging my payroll deductions for the health insurance.

But underneath it was some other pages she printed out. In response to the note I had written to her, letting her now that we have some upcoming medical procedures and that I need my ID cards as soon as possible, she printed off the confirmation pages for me, that includes my subscriber ID number and group number and everything I need. I read the page with a furrowed brow for a moment until I realized that I was holding in my hand everything I need to get this cycle started. Right here! I feel like writing her a big gushy thank-you card. And maybe a box of cookies. I’m sure she has no idea how much that little gesture means to me.

So Monday morning I will call the IVF insurance coordinator to give her all the info, Tuesday my coverage starts, and I should have the pre-approval process complete and be ready to order stims! Can you believe it’s next week already that I start?! I feel such a sense of peace about it.

::

At my other job we are currently looking for a volunteer to take part of my duties off my shoulder. The organization is growing very quickly, and I’m getting a wee bit swamped. I think my bosses are getting a little concerned about me burning out, so they’ve made it a priority to somehow ease my burdens a little bit. The other good thing is that the duties I’ll be handing over are some of the physical stuff. Other than helping load/unload my truck my entire job will be paperwork, computer work, graphics, photos, design, etc. Which is wicked awesome, in my mind. And it means I won’t need to worry about how to do my job when I’m pregnant this time around. (Yes, I did the job when pregnant last time, but last time I wasn’t a paranoid freak and actually still did a lot of lifting and stuff, which I will not be doing this time.)

It’s kind of funny to me… I started out as assistant to the boss. But then stuff got busy, so I started basically helping the manager with her duties, becoming assistant manager (a position that was created by me, basically). And now things are still growing and I’m going to get an assistant. Ha!

Today has not been a good day for allergies. Not only did I spend several hours at the cat sanctuary, but my time there was spent crawling under desks unplugging cables and fiddling with the dusty, fur-laden pieces of equipment that are inevitable when you start mucking with computers.

I think I’ve also come to the conclusion that mascara makes it worse. I dismissed the notion at first, since it didn’t seem logical, but my eyes are most definitely itchier on the days that I wear mascara (the days that I work at the bank). I figured it out: the mascara traps the dust and stray little fur wisps. Several times a day I get stinging eyes, and by the time I drive home they’re quite watery. There’s an obvious solution to this one, but I kind of like wearing makeup to work. Anyone have any solutions here?

I have not been able to talk to the nurse (at the midwives) about what I can/should do about allergy treatment… I don’t know if I should start the shots now, with me going thorugh IVF, or what kind of medication is okay during pregnancy, or what. I’m totally out of my depths here, I did not have to deal with allergies last time.

On the good side of things, my adjusted very-minimal-dairy diet has helped me to lose a couple more pounds. I’m now at 136, 4 pounds below my pre-IVF weight (I gained 2-4 during IVF, before getting pregnant). I can definitely notice a difference. My face looks a lot less round, a lot more angular like it was in college. My pants are having a hard time staying up, though that’s mostly due to my shrinking butt.

The belly is still there, though. I’m not really doing anything to get rid of the belly, so I’m not complaining, just observing. I actually find it quite amazing that it got as big as it did, and now it’s just a little pooched out, with no external signs that I was ever pregnant. I mean, if someone didn’t know I had a baby you could never tell from my body. I have no stretch marks, no wrinkly skin… just that very very faint linea nigra that I can still see. The last physical mark that he really was in there.

::

I’m exhausted, and yet having a hard time sleeping. Part of the reason I always got my best sleep during the week on my days off when hubby was at work was because I had nothing to get up for, no set alarm, no planned agenda except of my own fancy. And because of that I was able to surrender to sleep peacefully and happily, to wrap it around me and sink deep down into it. I treasured my sleep.

But now I have things to do. Now I have to get up at precisely 6:30am. First I startle myself awake every hour, worried that I slept through my alarm, check the clock, sigh in relief, and then try to go back to sleep. But I can’t, because once I’m awake shit keeps running through my head. Don’t forget to call the doctor. Did you ever return that message? Shit, I have to bring the camera tomorrow. I think my car needs gas, too. Did I pay that bill?? I had better figure out what bills are due before payday. Better ask Den if we’ll need dogfood, I’ll be passing the store tomorrow… All. Fucking. Night. Long. At some point last night I really wanted to just drill a hole in the side of my head to tip it all out into a bucket. I was SO frustrated.

And of course being tired is probably rippling into my work activities, causing some errors and stressing me out more because I screwed up. Something more to run through my head and fret about at 4am, I suppose.

::

Tomorrow is Sunday. It’s my day to wash the bedsheets, wash and my work clothes, vacuum and dust the house (especially around the bed), and hopefully read some books. I really like Sundays.

— Emily Dickinson

I have no interest in Christmas. It is not too surprizing, given the situation this year, but it feels very strange to me. I love Christmas. I forced my husband into setting up a tree every year, decorating, playing Christmas music for weeks.

I’m not feeling anti-Christmas. Sights and sounds and thoughts do not cause a negative reaction. I simply have no reaction. Just silence where there once was joy. “Oh… that. Right, I forgot.” I have not started shopping, I have not started list-making, I have not started… well, anything. When Den mentioned the money we’ll need to buy gifts for everyone, as usual, my response was along the lines of, “Oh. Do we need to do that this year?” I just don’t care. I’d be totally okay with skipping a year.

I really don’t know how I’m going to react to the holidays at this point. I have forewarned my husband that I may want to leave early or not even attend. I think I’ll be fine, but there really are no promises… just look how I reacted to my neice’s baptism, and I totally didn’t expect that. I’m keeping my options (and doors) open.

::

The big deal with this kind of grief is how suddenly it hits you, how your entire life gets turned upside down, all your plans destroyed, all your promises broken. No wonder it takes a long time to grieve, to come to some kind of acceptance that this is how things are.

I think it’s getting a little easier for me the last couple weeks. Slowly this is becoming my real life, slowly I’ve stopped thinking so much about what I should be doing, what I should be living. Devin is my angel baby, my stillborn son. At first that thought cut like knives through my heart. The thought turned over in my head like curdled milk – knowing it was real but desperately denying it. I spent 8 months thinking of Devin as my son that I would get to raise, picturing how I would take him home, how we would get through the sleepless nights, how I would wear him in a sling and get him to laugh and capture his smiles on camera. Then in one moment that all got taken away. Not just the him who was inside me, but the him who was in our future. It leaves a gaping hole, a huge dissonance.

In time that pothole fills with other things, though. It’s still a hole, but it’s filled with sand instead of left gaping. It comes a lot easier to my mind now, thinking about Devin as he is now and forever will be. He has a tree we planted, a grave, a box of memory items. Now when we talk about Devin in our future we talk about taking photos with the tree, of keeping sheep stuffies in our house, of bringing our children to visit the grave. In time there is acceptance, instead of screaming rejection. It is not a happy acceptance, but it does bring some sort of peace.

More and more now I am able to look forward to our new future. Another child. With IVF in motion it becomes much more likely that I will be pregnant in the next 4 months. Suddenly that doesn’t seem so far away. Once in a while I find myself clicking on something baby-related – not because of Devin, but because I’m thinking about next time. I am hopeful.

I do not think I will be completely paranoid and unable to enjoy myself next pregnancy. I just can’t see it of myself, not after everything I’ve struggled through and everything I know about myself. It will never be the same as last time, no. But I still see much joy.

I will get my chance to bring home a baby from the hospital. I will not stop until I do.

I am on pins and needles today… not really bad, but I am feeling a bit twitchy. My insurance kicks in today. I called yesterday to speak with the insurance coordinator, couldn’t get through. I got patched through to someone whose name I didn’t recognize, I left a message but didn’t hear back. So this morning I called and asked to speak to the person I spoke with two weeks ago. I left a message on her voicemail, and am now waiting to hear back. Without them having my insurance information they cannot start the pre-approval process, and that needs to get done today to have it done by next week so they can order my stims. We’re on a very tight timeline here, and I am getting very nervous by my inability to hear back from anyone!

I also just left a message for the nurses. Thing is, if the pre-approval process is started today, we won’t hear back for a couple days at most, and I need to start lupron… thursday. Hmmm. So that needs to be ordered now. We’ll pay out of pocket for that, no problem… just make sure I have it.

I do have left over lupron and follistim from last time, but surprize surprize those things have expiration dates. Bugger!! I would have donated them, had I realized I wouldn’t be able to use them later. I am quite annoyed about that.

So I wait. Nervously.

Update: Spoke to nurse (but not insurance coordinator) – I need a 4-day overlap of lupron and BCP which means I need to start lupron tomorrow.

And I thought scheduling IVF last time was difficult…. working around three jobs, new insurance, a tight timeline and IVF is going to land me in a padded round room…

Update2: Spoke to insurance coordinator! Gave her all the relevent information. But… need referral from my PCP in order to star the pre-approval process. Called PCP and left a message on the “referral line” giving them all the necessary information (I hope). Their message says they will get all referrals taken care of within 24 hours. I sure hope it’s faster than that. Insurance coordinator said that referrals usually take 7-10 days. Yikes. So at this stage I hope that the PCP’s office gets that in today, so that the insurance coordinator can submit the pre-approval tomorrow morning, and then I will call and tell my new insurance that I really really need this done soon as possible so please can they speed things up?

Aggghhhhhh.

Update3: Lupron is ordered through Village Pharmacy and will be here tomorrow. So at least that’s taken care of. It’s not nearly as cheap as I was hoping for, but whatever, now is not the time to quibble. She did say we may be able to get that charge taken care of by insurance once the approval comes through, but no guarantee on that one. All I can say is, thank goodness my mom has an IVF fund started!