Dissonant Futures
I have no interest in Christmas. It is not too surprizing, given the situation this year, but it feels very strange to me. I love Christmas. I forced my husband into setting up a tree every year, decorating, playing Christmas music for weeks.
I’m not feeling anti-Christmas. Sights and sounds and thoughts do not cause a negative reaction. I simply have no reaction. Just silence where there once was joy. “Oh… that. Right, I forgot.” I have not started shopping, I have not started list-making, I have not started… well, anything. When Den mentioned the money we’ll need to buy gifts for everyone, as usual, my response was along the lines of, “Oh. Do we need to do that this year?” I just don’t care. I’d be totally okay with skipping a year.
I really don’t know how I’m going to react to the holidays at this point. I have forewarned my husband that I may want to leave early or not even attend. I think I’ll be fine, but there really are no promises… just look how I reacted to my neice’s baptism, and I totally didn’t expect that. I’m keeping my options (and doors) open.
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The big deal with this kind of grief is how suddenly it hits you, how your entire life gets turned upside down, all your plans destroyed, all your promises broken. No wonder it takes a long time to grieve, to come to some kind of acceptance that this is how things are.
I think it’s getting a little easier for me the last couple weeks. Slowly this is becoming my real life, slowly I’ve stopped thinking so much about what I should be doing, what I should be living. Devin is my angel baby, my stillborn son. At first that thought cut like knives through my heart. The thought turned over in my head like curdled milk – knowing it was real but desperately denying it. I spent 8 months thinking of Devin as my son that I would get to raise, picturing how I would take him home, how we would get through the sleepless nights, how I would wear him in a sling and get him to laugh and capture his smiles on camera. Then in one moment that all got taken away. Not just the him who was inside me, but the him who was in our future. It leaves a gaping hole, a huge dissonance.
In time that pothole fills with other things, though. It’s still a hole, but it’s filled with sand instead of left gaping. It comes a lot easier to my mind now, thinking about Devin as he is now and forever will be. He has a tree we planted, a grave, a box of memory items. Now when we talk about Devin in our future we talk about taking photos with the tree, of keeping sheep stuffies in our house, of bringing our children to visit the grave. In time there is acceptance, instead of screaming rejection. It is not a happy acceptance, but it does bring some sort of peace.
More and more now I am able to look forward to our new future. Another child. With IVF in motion it becomes much more likely that I will be pregnant in the next 4 months. Suddenly that doesn’t seem so far away. Once in a while I find myself clicking on something baby-related – not because of Devin, but because I’m thinking about next time. I am hopeful.
I do not think I will be completely paranoid and unable to enjoy myself next pregnancy. I just can’t see it of myself, not after everything I’ve struggled through and everything I know about myself. It will never be the same as last time, no. But I still see much joy.
I will get my chance to bring home a baby from the hospital. I will not stop until I do.
We are forever scarred and eternally missing a piece of us. We will never be the same.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I see a glimmer of hopefulness in this post. I don’t blame you for not wanting to do the Christmas thing like you usually do. Be kind with yourselves through this tough season.
*hugs*
yea!!
It’s so odd, but when you write certain entries I feel I’m reading about myself. This one in particular mirrored how I’ve been feeling lately. I know that Christmas is coming up, but I don’t feel the real urge to put up Christmas decorations, even though I normally set them up around 13 December. Even sending out Christmas cards may seem a bit tasking for me.
One thing we seem to differ in is how we look at the future. I am so negative about getting pregnant – either naturally or with IVF – whereas you are so positive about it. I’m amazed at your optimism. I wish I had one-tenth of your optimism. Please pass some this way ;)
In the meantime, good luck with everything. I will keep you in my prayers *hugs*
from mdc….good luck on the ivf. I’m right there with you along our journeys….ones we shouldn’t be on. Devin is just five weeks older than Micah. We should be comparing milestones….
I’m glad you are looking to the future. that helps. much love
It leaves a gaping hole, a huge dissonance.
When my brother passed away (though he was much older), a friend who’d lost a sibling passed on the sentiment that losing somebody like that is like having a hole put in your heart. At the beginning, the wind blows so loudly that you can hardly hear anything but the wind through the hole. The hole never goes away, but eventually the wind dies down a bit.
Okay, that was far more clumsy than it was when she said it to me, but it really struck home, and I saw that in this post, too.
Holidays are the hardest — the first year, and then the later ones, as you try to work out new feelings and traditions. I hope you can find a new way to celebrate.
I am really touched that you took the time to read and comment on my blog! I have thought about you so many times over these past few months and wondered how you were coping. I am so impressed by your ability to move on after what you went through. I guess life doesn’t give us any other choice but to move on but it doesn’t make it any easier.
I don’t blame you for wanting to skip Christmas this year. I would certainly expect people to understand!! You should be able to do whatever is most comforting for you…..
XOXO
You’ll get it, as you said. I think it’ll happen eventually. Not to sound cliche, but will=way.
TODAY your insurance kicks in…OMG!!! YAY Nat!!!! I can’t wait until you start this IVF…Can you believe it!!! It’s here almost. I am so happy for you guys!