Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies

Show and Tell

Nov 2, 2008 — 11:27 am

Today is housecleaning day, nothing exciting to write about. So I figured I would share some photos through the years. My journey being me.

First, some baby photos.

Bald.

3 years old

5 years old, with my little brother

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And then my journey into/through adulthood…

Feeling Shitty

Nov 3, 2008 — 1:19 am

I am still remarkably angry and I don’t think it’s going to begin to abate until I get pregnant. I feel other things, of course, but most of all I am just angry and frustrated. There’s no better way to put it. When I see babies or baby-related things – even if it’s announcements from people who have been through the grief of a stillbirth or other loss – it makes my insides crunch together like someone is sitting on my chest. But it’s not just weight, it’s the tears and pain of frustration.

I realized that this is – and probably will remain – the worst period in my life. I do have the knowledge that IVF works, which is one piece of information I did not have before Devin existed, but still. I am dealing with the overwhelming grief of our loss, and the grief of infertility, and the frustration of not being able to cycle right away.

The combination is trying to kill me, I think. It is hard to keep my head above water. I almost feel like the early grieving was much easier… at least it was much more linear and understandable. I took time off, I grieved hard and whole-heartedly. It was a bottomless pit, but at least it was just one pit and you know you’re stuck in it. Now I feel like I’m navigating a minefield. I get out, I fall in, I sidestep, I blow up… it makes no logical sense at all sometimes, and I’m pingponging around. I’m trying to hold on to hope, but how do you really encompass something positive when you feel so goddamn angry all the time?

No wonder I’m trying to drown myself in work. Maybe after I get pregnant again I’ll be able to back off a bit – when I have something good in my present that I can experience. When I’m pregnant I’ll want to stop and savor those moments, that knowledge. Right now every time I stop I think about how I’m not pregnant, do not have a baby.

I know there are other things in life out there. Other good things – probably things I should think about more often. But quite frankly right now I just can’t. The pets piss me off more often than not, the house is a disaster, being social is a hit-or-miss activity. I’ve come to the conclusion that for this month of November I’m probably going to just feel shitty, and maybe I should just accept that and let it be. Just one month. December will be different, for better or for worse. But for right now I’m tired of picking myself up out of pits and falling back in. I’m bruised. I’m sore. I’m tired. And maybe I’m just going to curl up in the bottom of one and take a nap. I’ll deal with climbing out later. I am giving myself permission to just feel shitty.

3 weeks until my last birth control pill, then another 4 or 5 days until stims. That’s all. I’m setting a note on my calendar, each sunday is one more week down – one week closer to feeling better.

Lorraine Ash

Nov 3, 2008 — 11:09 am

On Glow In The Woods today there is an interview with Lorraine Ash, who wrote the book Life Touches Life. I have not read the book, but after reading the interview I am running out to buy it. I can see myself 9 years down the road, I can see myself being okay, being past this deep pit. And that’s a good thought.

Foregiveness

Nov 3, 2008 — 11:03 pm

In a big DUH moment last night I realized why for the past few weeks I’ve been taking two hours to fall asleep and sleeping like crap: we removed the air conditioner. It’s too quiet. Or, rather, it’s not only so quiet that my ears are buzzing, but every little breath that my husband makes behind me sounds ten times louder. I can’t friggin sleep.

Apparently I need a white noise machine. I also need an air purifier, so maybe I’ll just get a noisy purifier and kill two birds with one stone.

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My husband has a dog that I don’t really get along with. This morning when I get out bed I saw him laying on the floor and, for whatever reason, it just struck me. I knelt down and gave him a hug. You could see the look in his eyes go from wariness to confusion to happiness. He leaned over to lick my hand, and sighed happily as I scratched his neck and hugged him again.

It struck me then what a terrible bitch I have been to my furkids the last year. I was really tired when I was pregnant, so I didn’t spend much time with them. But at least when I was pregnant and tired I wasn’t mean. Since Devin died, I have to say, my patience with them all is at about nil. I just get so frustrated with all of them. I don’t want to hear them make noise, I’m tired of picking up things they knock all over, I’m tired of vacuuming daily to keep up on the fur. I don’t want to play. Quite frankly I just want them to go away.

And it wrenches me inside. This is not who I am. I vowed to do better for them than this. They deserve better. I don’t know how to get past this irritation level, but I need to start making it up to them. I need to spend more time with them.

Last night my little dog jumped up on the bed and I started playing with her. When she realized I was playing it was like she started glowing, the grin on her face was huge. When she’s happy she sparkles anyways, but you could just see the joy radiating from her as she mock-growled and smacked at my hand, dancing in place with her tail wagging furiously. I laughed so hard at her antics – real, deep belly laughs that I haven’t heard in a while from myself. It was brief, quickly over, but it’s there.

This evening when I got home both dogs whined as they pressed against me, so happy I was home. Den’s dog wantered off and I thought at first he had lost interest and decided to go back to sleep. But he went into his crate, then turned and came back out… with a toy. He brought me a present. It made me want to cry.

If we had even half the capability of forgiveness that they did, we would be saints.

For All Americans

Nov 4, 2008 — 11:40 am

GO VOTE! You have a chance to do something amazing here: let your voice be heard. YOU get to decide. This is what democracy is founded on, this is why we are free – because we all get a chance to speak up and let our voices be heard.

I know some of you are torn. I will ask you to look up the issues, read and compare, and ask yourself who you want leading your country. Who do you want to be the face of America to the rest of the world? Who do you want leading this country into its next era? Who do you think will start to repair what is broken? But please, PLEASE don’t shrug your shoulders and skip the vote. Educate yourself, then make a decision, any decision.

And don’t think that just because you are in a solid blue or red state that your voice doesn’t matter. It does! Like water droplets in the sea, they all blend together, but you need each individual drop to be present. And think of what is happening today, states are changing colors! Or at the very least becoming battleground states where they weren’t before. That’s because someone like you has spoken up, even though it goes against the grain – then another, then another. Every number matters. Every number counts.

I want to see a HUGE record being set this year, with the most voter turnout ever. I want this country’s president to be determined because we ALL spoke, not just some of us. Let’s show the government that we all care.

I am not yet a U.S. citizen – that won’t happen until next spring. I have lived here for 3 years, and will be living here the rest of my life, will be raising my children here… but I do not have a voice. So do it for me. Stand up for your rights proudly, the rights you are given as a citizen of this country. Don’t take it for granted.

Vote.

President-Elect Obama

Nov 5, 2008 — 12:57 am

I am so thrilled, so relieved, so hopeful. This is the start of a new era. Maybe it’s a good sign of things to come for my family, bringing my child into the world with a new President.

Watching Obama walk out to cheers brings me almost to tears. I am, finally, proud to live here. I always knew I’d get my US Citizenship, but never felt excited about the idea of calling myself an American. Until now.

It IS time for change. For me. For all of us.

I am, however, disgusted with some of the questions on state ballots aiming at limiting the rights of same-sex couples – many of which are passing. It makes me so freaking angry. We may have made history tonight, but we still have a long way to go as a country. It is the large shadow on this momentous day.

More Politics

Nov 5, 2008 — 10:42 pm

I am slightly mollified by this: Lawsuit Challenging Proposition 8 Filed. My husband suggested this would happen, and of course he was right. I am relieved to see this will be fought. I don’t see how this could possibly be upheld as constitutional – but then again, crazier things have happened in this country.

From my watching and participating in debates on the issue of same-sex marriage it does appear to me that to find a solution the country is going to have to make the separation between church and state much more clear: we’re going to define the civil government-upheld union under one name, and the religious union under another. There are always exceptions, but I feel like a lot of people who are okay with the idea of equal *rights* are unable to give up their religious concept of the term marriage.

::

I am happy that an African American has attained the high office of President (-Elect). But the question on my mind is – would America elect an Atheist?

I see the things said during campaigns, like the attack by Elizabeth Dole’s Senatorial campaign in North Carolina saying that Kay Hagan was Godless. Well, first of all it wasn’t true – Hagan is a Christian. But, like Colin Powel said about the allegation that Obama is a Muslim (which is also very untrue): So what if he is? Are Athiests and Muslims not allowed to be elected in this country? Are other religions still so unaccepted that you have to belong to the “correct” religion to be elected to office?

It’s really quite offensive to me, being a very open Atheist. I really take offense to the implication that I am less of a person because I do not share a religion with someone… that I am not capable of leadership. I don’t have to tell you what kind of person I am – I expect my actions to stand that test. I want people – especially the leaders of our country – to be judged based on how they treat others, how they conduct themselves, what they say and do… not what religion they subscribe to.

I try very hard to live that in my daily life. I have friends of many religions. I don’t care what you call yourself. I don’t care what God you are faithful to. If you treat me with respect, if you follow through on what you say, if you live with compassion, then that is all I need to know.

I wish more people believed the same.

::

Alaska might re-elect their current Senator who has been convicted in federal court on seven counts of corruption. This is just beyond my comprehension. I can understand if he had been indicted, but no verdict yet. I’m willing to suspend judgement for a while. But he was CONVICTED! In federal court! WTF!

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But despite the shadows I still remain so very excited. I really want to see what Obama can do for this country. Watching him speak just makes me so proud, so hopeful. It’s wonderful.

I know many people just wanted the election over with so they can stop hearing about it. I actually think I’m a little disappointed that it’s over. I really enjoyed all the politics – that’s something I never thought I’d say.

I have absolutely no interest in actually becoming a politician, LOL. But I think I’d like to follow politics and I really want to educate myself much further on the American system. These last few months have been somewhat of a crash course for me. I currently don’t have any options for classes I could take at the college in US History, but thankfully my husband has dug up his old textbook, American Government In Action. I guess I know what I’ll be reading!

I feel a little woken up by all of this. Energised. This has given me something to invest myself into, something that really has nothing to do with babies or Devin. I’m enjoying myself, and that’s something worthwhile.

Side-Effects Already?

Nov 6, 2008 — 9:44 pm

Today I finally delved into the lowest shelf of my office bookcase and pulled out the box of meds – the pills and injectables and needles that I stashed away after IVF#2 was successful. I remember that I kept it out on the table for most of my pregnancy – I think it was only the last trimester that I put it away. I guess it was my one “just in case”; I moved headfirst into my pregnancy in every other way, but I kept that box of meds out just in case I’d need it again, and as a visual reminder of what I’d struggled through to make it to that moment.

Ironically enough now it is the basket of Devin’s things that I keep on that table in that spot. A reminder of what I have been through, but also of where I can go. I don’t foresee me putting it away anytime soon, either. I guess there are just some things that are very hard for me to let go of. It comforts me to have it there.

It’s a little strange to see the basket and box of syringes there, side-by-side. A very visual reminder of the dual struggles I face.

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I am having worse side-effects from the pill this go-around than I did with any of the medications last time – including the cycles on clomid. I have the worst headache, and have been getting them every evening. I’ve been feeling nauseated a lot… not to the point of morning sickness, but I eat and just feel sick. Plus I haven’t stopped bleeding from AF yet! That’s really bugging me… it’s usually 4 days flow, 1 day spotting. And I’m still spotting… and spotting and OMG would it stop?! It’s making me nervous.

Maybe I should start reading my journal from last cycle. I have been neck-deep in all of last cycle’s statistics and data, but my blog record is far more than that… it is a measure of emotion, of where I was mentally at that time and place. I have not yet been brave enough to re-read from that period. It’s really hits me hard when I read something written by the old me – the person who had no idea what was coming down the pipeline. It’s a very heartsore reminder of what I have lost deep down inside.

Or maybe the headache is related to the fact that today is 8 months. A fact that I did not even realize until I saw my ticker on a forum said 8 months. Huh. Go figure.

::

I got the package from HR today, all the info about the health plans they offer at work. The IVF coverage is wonderful, the out-of-pocket costs are nearly half what we currently pay under Den’s plan, but we really staggered at the price of the premiums. We would be looking at $110 per week for the family plan. Maybe that’s normal for the rest of you, but my husband’s federal plan is way less than that… less than half. Another case in point of why McCain’s health care “refund” plan sucked monkey balls: for the family plan at my work it would cost $5700 per year, and that’s with the employer paying 75% of the cost. That’s just… staggering.

I of course whipped out a new Excel spreadsheet to compare our different options and figure out what will cost us less in the long run over the year, taking into account all projected out of pocket costs and premiums. Turns out it’ll be cheaper for us each have a single plan. For Den his plan is actually ideal: the high out of pocket costs don’t matter so much when he doesn’t spends very very little time in a doctor’s office, the low premiums by far make up for it. For me however? I have to deal with sick/allergy visits, chiropractor, mental therapy, IVF, and hopefully maternity. That is a LOT of out of pocket costs. And remember how last time I ended up getting hit with a $40 “outpatient facility fee” every time I saw my midwives? Yeah, they raised that cost to $50. And with me going to see them as often as I will be… that would be one hell of an expensive pregnancy. Worth it, of course. But that would really hurt us financially. This plan of my employers has NO maternity visit fee, and NO maternity outpatient fee. I can go as often I need to without worrying about costs. The only costs will be a $250 copayment if/when I do get admitted (for delivery or otherwise). That we can deal with.

So we’ve made our selection and I will be sending in the paperwork to get myself all signed up. We have a little less than 2 weeks until the official start date that I am covered. And when I asked the woman at BC/BS on the phone about turn-around time for pre-approval she said it should take at most a week, though if we have an expected date of treatment they will try to process it quicker. Which means I should be fine! Tight, but fine. It’ll be a little stressful, but what else is new.

Sono done

Nov 7, 2008 — 11:14 pm

Today was my sonohysterogram. Unlike the HSG, this was done in the RE’s office in a normal ultrasound room.

There was the requisite 40 minute wait to get called back (seriously, seriously irritating aspect of this clinic – they are NEVER on time). And then we got shown to the ultrasound room. The Resident was there – yes, the one who went over my history in September. And you know what? She did the same damn thing again. I mentioned that, yes, I have had a vaginal delivery since my HSG, and she asked when. I said March. She said, “Oh congratulations!” … Yeah. Okay. Thanks, but the baby’s dead. Immediate apologies and back-pedaling. She remembered then that we had gone over this last time. I really would have thought that putting your foot in your mouth once would teach you a lesson. Apparently not. I wonder if she’ll attempt a round three – she’ll probably recognize my face next time.

In any case, I explained to her about the problem that I had last time with the HSG, with the catheter slipping out, the balloon being over-inflated, and me being in pain. She said she’d try to be careful.

Speculums still suck, no matter how stretched out I’ve gotten during delivery. Yeah, there were some little cramps as the catheter went in. The speculum came out, ultrasound probe went in, and apparently they injected the small amount of saline into my uterus. Then she – with the RE’s guidance – set to scanning my uterus to make sure it was shaped correctly and that there were no polyps or other formations. It was obviously all clear. :)

No pain! She even had to deflate the balloon a bit, because it was obscuring some of my uterus. I didn’t feel it at all. I really don’t know what they did during my HSG that second attempt, but I will never forget it.

They also took a look at my ovaries. My right one was hiding a bit (hard to get a good picture of), but each of them had roughly 15 antral follicles. Same as usual with me. I say it’s a damn good thing my body makes so many eggs, considering how few of them mature. I think that’s the one factor (and probably the egg quality) that keeps me from needing donor eggs yet.

Afterwards I did have some cramping. It was really weird, becuse it didn’t start until after we were done and on our way out to the car that I started getting little jabs spiking up from my cervix. I would be walking along, then yelp. Den was looking at me kind of funny. The cramping only lasted 15 minutes or so, then I was fine.

All in all a much less painful experience! Even with a Resident at the helm.

Nutrition-what?

Nov 8, 2008 — 11:01 pm

No headache today!! Well, I had a headache of the other kind… the frustration kind where at the end of a shift you just want to slam your head into something because holy hell man, was it a game of how many mistakes I could make in one 3-hour period or something?? Ugh. But the actual physical head feels fine and clear.

I craved salad today, so that’s what I ate for lunch. It was good. I need to eat more salads. I am trying to figure out how to get more fruits and veggies in my diet, considering I do not like veggies and I hate buying either because they go bad in about .2 days. (I really have issues with my produce.) But I *need* to eat better! I’m starting the worrying already… are my food choices hurting my little eggs? Is this going to be the make-it-or-break-it for if we get an embryo out of this cycle? I’m all freaked out, especially since the doctor was right, eating dairy does make my allergies flare up worse. Shit. That has always been where I got most of my protein. I’m kind of screwed, aren’t I. Rock… hard place… me in the middle. Shit. Suggestions are welcome, though keep in mind that I’m a picky eater. So far I’m gravitating towards chicken, and I should eat more eggs and peanut butter.

I am also still feeling slightly nauseated when I eat. I’m hungry so I start chowing on something, then after a few bites I get this overwhelming “I’m full” feeling and eating more makes me feel very icky-nauseated. On the good side this has really curbed my pig-outs and I’ve dropped another pound. And yes, since I seem to be able to eat less, I am trying to eat better choices. My weight is now down to about 147 lbs, give or take (it fluctuates from day to day). I can probably attribute that to me not drinking milk anymore. I found a good way to discourage myself: I stopped buying organic. “Normal” milk tastes like shit to me now, so every time I lose my willpower and grab a secret glass of milk it tastes gross and I don’t want it anymore.

Still waking up all sweaty, though. That part is fantastic. Although that could be related to how warm it’s been lately… but it just seems too coincidental. Maybe I’ll try a lighter blanket tonight.

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