Yesterday was an okay day. Busy, which is good and bad – good because it keeps me from sitting here moping; bad because it makes me tired, which then makes me crankier than usual. Den and I were snipping at each other for most of yesterday, I don’t know if we’re both touchier than usual or if it’s just me (hard to tell at this point), but it’s like we were getting into little snits over everything. And today I found out another reason I’ve been feeling like uberbitch:

My period has decided to arrive already. I was wondering why my stomach felt so aweful this morning… now I know. It’s only a little bleeding right now, so we’ll see if it continues to get worse throughout the day. (I think it will.) I can’t start my BCP until tomorrow though, that’s the rule.

And unfortunately when playing with my super-duper excel predictor calendar that I created I was inputting numbers and realized that that nice trip to Boston we have planned for our anniversary? Will likely fall smack in the middle of stims/monitoring. I told Den that and he said to me, “Oh I’m sure they’ll let us go for a day or two.” I had to tell him that no, they do NOT just “let it go.” You NEED to be here for the ultrasound. There’s no putting it off for a day. Luckily Boston is only an hour and a half drive away, so while it would be a huge inconvenience in the middle of our vacation (we’re only going away for two nights), I could do it.

The real problem comes in now that AF has arrived a couple days earlier than I had projected, and BCPs might be starting and ending sooner than last time as well. Which may actually be worse…. our trip may just be in the middle of retrieval or transfer. Great. Just great. And no, I don’t think our reservations can be changed. We might have to double-check that one though. (We booked our vacation for our anniversary, not even considering we might have to do a second stims cycle. Duh.)

My stomach is SO NOT HAPPY right now. I guess it’ll be no food for me for a couple of days. And last night I made myself a nice chocolate cake to chow down on, too. I just took the last two midol, too, so I’ll have to stop and get some more.

Emotionally it’s been a bit of a hard ride. I wake up in the morning and fuzzily come up out of dream-land and then I remember that Murphy and Turtle are gone. They weren’t babies yet – I was very careful never to refer to them as babies, in my head – but they were hope. They were the promise of babies. The expectation. Now they – and that hope – is gone. And the past two mornings have sucked because of that… because I wake up with a hand protectively on my stomach and I have to remind myself that there’s nothing there to protect.

Wednesday night I couldn’t fall asleep. I finally had to get up and dig Lambie out of my closet. Lambie is a stuffed lamb – well more of a 2-dimentional fabric in the shape of a lamb that has a bit of stuffing inside it that is now mostly gone. Lambie is over 23 years old. (I’m 24 and a half, if that gives you any measure.) I believe Lambie was a present I got from my Oma on my first birthday. He looks pretty discolored and mostly flat now, but he’s soaked up more tears than anyone or anything else in my life. There are plenty of other stuffed animals in my collection, eve a few that are almost as prized as he is. Lambie doesn’t come out very much anymore. But when I am really upset, he’s the one I go searching for. I finally fell asleep with him clutched to my chest.

There is a lot of stuff going on in my head. Like wondering what we’ll do if this doesn’t work. One stims cycle, a limited number of frozen egg transfers… all of which will require money. I forgot until today that our medication coverage is pretty much all used up so we might have to pay $1000 or more for the meds for this cycle. Thank the light I have a new client and am bringing in some money now. But what if none of it works?

Den and I are very sure that adoption is not for us. We’ve known that from the beginning, and our opinion really hasn’t changed.

My opinion on donor eggs/sperm has changed, however. Not that it’s really very likely that we would ever need it, but obviously we’ve narrowed down the problem to something with our sperm/eggs. When we started this journey – the IF portion – I didn’t like the idea of donor eggs (losing that genetic connection) and Den didn’t like the idea of donor sperm. I’m not so set on it anymore. To me, by far, the more important aspect is carrying the baby through pregnancy. And it would be my baby no matter what. Den, however… is absolutely positively not open to the idea of donor sperm. If we don’t get a baby out of our own genetic material that’s the end of the road for him.

And to be honest, that makes me a little angry. I really try not to, but once in a while there comes a little thought in my head along the lines of, He would let his own bias prevent ME from ever having a child. Den may be significantly older than me (so we both accept that I will probably far, far outlive him, epecially taking into consideration the fact that women live longer than men do, on average). But obviously I fully intend to be spending the next 20 or 30 years with him! (I’d better!) My childbearing years.

And I guess this is the first time I’ve really had to face the idea that it is possible I may never have kids. I fully intend to – with IVF and FETs and maybe taking out a large loan to do IVF again in the future, or maybe even the laws will change to give us more coverage. I’m sure there are many things that could happen. But there is the possibility that our luck will suck. Or there’s more going on than meets the eye (what if fertilization isn’t our only problem?). And I may never have a child.

So I’ve been grappling with that. And I think I’d be okay, after a while. After I mourned. I think I could come to peace with it. I’d be the crazy pet lady. I’d want more dogs and cats. I stopped at 4 because I know I need to make room in my schedule and in our house for a baby. But if there was no baby, and would never be a baby, I’d want another puppy or two. I’d spend my time and energy on them. It wouldn’t be the life that I envisioned. And I doubt Den would be very happy with adding more furry creatures to the house… but I think that’s the only way I could deal.

Lots of crazy thoughts in my head. I’m really glad AF came today. I intend to sleep all weekend. (Well, I do have a bunch of work to do. But between work, I’ll be napping.) I’m just so tired. Emotionally, physically… I’m just so tired.

I talked to one of the nurses today (whom, I might add, rock my socks. I love the IVF nurses!) who gave me the rough details of my cycle. She said I can start my BCP tomorrow. I start Lupron on the 25th, with AF expected around the 30th. She also seemed to think that my retrieval would be the week of July 8th – 14th. It just really depends how stimming goes… I still think that by my calculations, judging by how long I stimmed last time, my retrieval will be right before we go away (we’re going from July 15th-17th), but transfer might be right in the middle. I guess it depends, and we won’t really know until we get there. :/ It would be really nice if we could be finished in time for our vacation, spend those days of the 2ww just being away. But I know that it’s cutting it close.

She told me that they’re mailing me a list of all the medications I need and instructions/dates for everything. Apparently my medications from the IVF pharmacy are refillable so I just need to put in a call to them to order more. I do have quite a bit left over, so I’ll have to go through it and see just how much. I have an almost-full cartridge of Follistim, but last time I used just more than one so I might need another. That will be an expensive purchase. I’m pretty sure I used nearly all of my Menopur, so that’ll be another big cost. Plus I don’t know at the moment how much is left of our $1500 meds cap with the insurance, so we might have to end up paying for everything ourselves. :( I guess I should call and find out so we can mentally prepare ourselves for that.

Don’t even get me started on worrying about how we’re going to pay for FETs… or, worse, another fresh cycle. As I was worrying to Den about never having children he told me that we are going to do as many cycles as it takes to get pregnant, no matter the cost. Even if we have to take out huge loans to do it. He’s waited over 18 years for a child, and while I haven’t waited nearly that long, the idea of never having one is just terrifying to me. I’m really glad we’re together on this. (Den was married once before, for over 10 years, and she didn’t want to have any more children than the two she’d had previously. He had to live with the knowledge that he may never have his own children – as at the time he fully intended to stay married. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been on him.)

My period never really hit in full force today. It’s weird, because I definitely have red flow, but it’s very light. I’m sure this doesn’t bode well for the next few days… no heavy start means it’s not going to get over with quickly. However, I did order more cloth pads today… they should arrive hopefully Monday. (Though right now my flow is too light to use cloth pads! It’d be a waste. I’m using up a lot of my panty liners/light pads I have still in my closet.)

And now it’s time for bed because man, I am exhausted. Today I just didn’t feel all with it. I still need to get up at a reasonable time in the morning to work on some freelance stuff, but I’m going to enjoy my time in bed while I can. And I still have Lambie by my side.

I had a long nap today. It didn’t do much for my emotional stability. We decided to take the dogs outside for a little while, all I had to do was throw on some sweats and shoes and put their leashes on. I couldn’t find my sandals. I knew I had just seen them in the house, sitting out in the open, but do you think I could find them again? Not a chance. I have a bunch of other shoes to wear, but they all require socks and I have no clean socks. I wanted my goddamn sandals, and I couldn’t find them. I was really starting to lose my temper, stomping through the house back and forth, when I found them. Crisis averted… right?

I baked some bread to eat with dinner. After it was baked and the food made I decided it was the wrong bread for the meal and was upset for the next hour because it didn’t taste quite right with my soup. I should have bought some ciabatta bread from the grocery store, but by then it was too late and the store was closed.

And then finally, 11:30 at night, my husband comes to bed. I realize I still have to take my pills, including my first birth control pill of the cycle. I couldn’t find them. I know, I KNOW, I had just had them in my hands. I had pulled them out of my nightstand where I stashed them last cycle when I was done, and put them somewhere. Problem was, I couldn’t figure out where “somewhere” was.

And I just snapped. I was berating myself for losing the one effing important thing right now, I’m so disorganized right now, timing is so critical this month and I need my birth control pills now, tonight. I just burst into tears in the middle of the kitchen and started sobbing.

Mere seconds later I found the stupid pills package sitting on a chair in the living room (why on a chair? I will never, ever know), grabbed them, and went back into the bedroom and threw myself onto the bed where my very confused and concerned husband tried to comfort me as I sobbed into my pillow.

Den kept asking me what was wrong, since I had found the pills, but I couldn’t even answer. Everything was wrong. I failed. I failed at making a baby when I was given two perfect, beautiful little embryos, and now I can’t even find my damn pills when I need them. Why these two things are/were at all the same in my head I can’t say, but it sure sparked off a whole mess of emotions in me.

I only cried for a minute or less, and yeah I did feel better when I was done. Foolish for completely losing it because I couldn’t find something, but better.

My thoughts today have revolved around “degrees” of infertility. How, when we started treatment, I used to be the tiniest bit concerned that I would get pregnant with just a couple of clomid pills and I wouldn’t “truly” be infertile… worried about being “that person” who acts like an infertile and whines and cries and then gets pregnant right away. The one other IFers can have a hard time sympathizing with, after a year of failed treatments. Not that I wouldn’t have been completely thrilled with getting pregnant, don’t get me wrong.

Today I was thinking about how, now, I am really truly an infertile. No magical first-time’s-the-charm for us. No “Oh, well, it was just bad luck!” We’re going into IVF#2 with ICSI. I never considered that we might need ICSI. It simply never crossed my mind… just like the thought that we wouldn’t have tons of embryos didn’t really enter into consideration either. I can feel myself moving from “hopeful new-to-treatment” to “bitter and frustrated veteran” and I don’t much care for it at all. I hope this anger and frustration fades away. I would like to have some hope back. I can’t live with all this emotional baggage forever.

And we still have that family gathering to go to tomorrow. Den’s sympathetic to my not wanting to be in social situations right now feeling, but of course we have to go. I’ve told him I’m bringing my knitting and may not really feel like being a chatty cathy. I guess there’s a chance it’ll turn out to be fun, but there’s also a pretty good chance I could burst into tears in the middle of the kitchen and hide in the bathroom for an hour. Flip a coin. On second thought, don’t… we haven’t been very lucky with gambling lately.

I recently found a local radio station that plays a lot of oldies – both classic oldies and stuff from my highschool and college years that I don’t get to hear much anymore. Some really stuck with me. The lyrics don’t always really apply to my life now, but some of them are great. Just some snippets.

Hold On – Wilson Phillips

… Dont you know things can change
Thingsll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Thingsll go your way
Hold on for one more day …

* * *

Meet Virginia – Train

… Well she wants to live her life
Then she thinks about her life
Pulls her hair back, as she screams
“I don’t really wanna live this life” …

* * *

I want to find some more music from those years. I liked mostly sad songs back then. I should pull up my old Sarah McLachlan CD. Good for the sad days.

The day at mother-in-law’s went well enough. The people there are always so nice, I know them from previous years, and Den’s known them since childhood. I did end up bringing my knitting along – and ended up finishing it. Den was originally very unhappy to learn that I’d brought my knitting with me. I think he invisioned me sitting in a corner, hunched over my knitting and actively ignoring everyone. Instead what happened was I sat on the deck with everyone else, knitting and talking at the same time. The knitting prevented me from continuously eating and thus feeling sick at the end of the day. I call that a success.

However I made one major oversight. I didn’t really think about the fact that I was knitting a baby hat pattern… or that people might innocently inquire as to what I am making. So that was… not good. I had to explain about 5 times to 5 different ladies that I’m knitting a baby hat, and no it’s not for me, no I don’t have any news to share. Luckily they all dropped it at that – like I said, they’re very nice people – but I felt like an idiot for putting myself in that position!

An old friend of mine got me to join facebook today. I looked around at my graduating class and I did recognize quite a few names. Unfortunately there were more than a couple of them that had photos of either themselves pregnant or them with a baby/kid. And you know, I really didn’t need to see that today. I know it’s a gross overstatement to think that everyone in the world is having babies but me, but at that moment it sure felt like it. Especially when it involved the people from the crowds that I did not hang out with in highschool… yet again I am not allowed to be a part of a club. Overreaction? Sure. I know that. Doesn’t stop my heart from thudding into my chest and my mouth from getting dry as I fight past the frustration and anger, though.

I added some friends to my account on facebook (and tried to ignore that graduating class), and notied that one of my friends had joined a Cause for Breast Cancer. And I thought hmmm, wonder if there’s a cause for infertility. There wasn’t. And I just couldn’t let that be… so I made one. I feel really weird being the creator of it, but I’m not just going to sit back and wait for someone else to do it. So if you feel like it and have a facebook account, do a search for infertility and join the cause. (And let me know if anything I wrote sounds idiotic and should be changed. It is after midnight, after all.)

If I can’t have a baby, at least I can have a cause to champion. Though I know Den really really wishes I weren’t quite so… passionate about my causes.

You know, ever since we found out about our failed cycle the one thing I was looking forward to was our trip to Six Flags. It was my “I’m not pregnant so I’m going to ride roller coasters” trip. I was really REALLY looking forward to it. I can’t emphasise that enough.

So then yesterday Den mentions we’re going to Six Flags on Monday. Someone points out the weather forcast: thunderstorms all day. We wake up and check the weather… yep, forcasted thunderstorms all day. I was so upset. We decided to see a movie instead.

We walked out of the movie to BLUE sky. Beautiful, beautiful day. I was… well. I was upset, to say the least. I was so angry that not only did we cancel our plans, the one thing I really was looking forward to, but it didn’t even fucking rain!! If we had gone it would have been a GREAT day, weather-wise. And that was just simply too much for me to take.

I cried, snot-nosed and everything, all the way home from the theatre. I tried holding it together as best I could. Soon as I got in the door at home I sobbed for a half an hour or so.

It makes me so frustrated. I felt mostly better afterwards, able to at least start going through paperwork and clearing off my deskspace (though not well enough to do any client work), but now I have a wicked sinus headache and I feel like a bit of an idiot. I mean, it’s not like we can never go again. Taking a day off work isn’t a huge deal for me – or Den for that matter – so we’ll probably go next week or the week after. The situation certainly did not warrant the kind of breakdown I displayed. I don’t like feeling like that. It brings back all kinds of very bad memories from before I went on my medication for my depression.

I certainly expected to be upset over the failure of our first cycle… I didn’t expect to be this upset for this long, however.

I have the worst sinus headache ever. This is why I always hated having any sort of crying fits when I was a teenager/tween… would be stuck with a sinus headache the rest of the day. Advil hasn’t worked, sudafed hasn’t worked, so I’m going to be shortly.

My newest order of cloth pads arrived today. I was excited they got here so quickly! Unfortunately, AF has already left the building. (Well, can’t say I’m overly upset over that one…) Weird, weird. They all told me that the period after your IVF cycle will be “really bad.” For me it amounted to one day of heavy spotting/very light flow, two days of normal flow with weird cramps the entire time (I usually only get very painful cramps for one day – these lasted longer, but weren’t nearly so strong), and then a day of spotting again. Just odd. I think I’m going to just completely give up reading my body’s signs. It does whatever it feels like doing.

Anyways, I’m going to turn off all the lights now and murder whoever yells or barks next.

(Big Boston Infertility Slumber Party, or whatever the exact words are.)

I don’t know who has all the info for it… so if someone could email me and let me know times and directions? I’m still not 100% sure – mostly because of the gas prices – but I really do want to go.

You know, I can think of a whole big group of people who will NOT love the movie Knocked Up. I am getting very, very irritated by the previews on TV. It is quite simply not humorous at this stage in time.

A really interesting article: 27 Skills Your Child Needs To Know That She’s Not Getting In School

I’m pretty sure I am going to the BBISP. I mentioned it to Den yet again and he asked when it was. He seemed surprized. (Seriously… you need to repeat the same thing to this man five times before it sinks in.) He said, “But Sunday is father’s day!!!” So apparently I am to come home early sunday morning – which I told him everyone was planning on anyways. (And this is the FIRST time I’ve heard of any plans regarding sunday. He’s known about the BBISP for about three, four weeks now? Sigh.) But I do think I’ll be going. When you email me, let me know what I need to bring in terms of sleeping – a blanket, sheets, pillow, mattress, etc. :)

I have been seeing a lot of “blog blasts” lately. Very similar to Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters is doing with the book reviews, but the topics are random, not books. Now obviously I cannot join the parenting blog blasts because I don’t have a child. But it would be really interesting to pick some topics for us infertiles to write about. What do you think? (And of course I think The Town Criers should organize it. They are, after all, like the center of infertility blogging, right?!) (I will be doing the Commentathon, too.)

It catches me at weird moments. Like just now, browsing my forums, my mind wanders to sigs and how I should update mine, it’s been the same for a year. Then my mind flickers over to the thought that I had a pregnancy ticker all ready to go for my sig. And it’s just a weird kind of double-thought, that I should be sitting right here, right now, pregnant… not still infertile. Not still going through IVF. I know the “should be”s will never help anything…. but it’s hard to not think them once in a while.

I really want to get on with this cycle. The first one was all new and exciting. This one I’m just thinking come ON already! Not like the birth control pill stage is all that exciting anyways, but I just want it to be retrieval and transfer already. I’m ready for a different outcome.

Not much else is going on right now… at least not fertility-wise. I have a ton of work and projects to do, as usual… just staring at my pack of pills and thinking that I only have a week until lupron. Okay, a week and a half.

But now I really need to get some sleep because if I go another night with less than an hour’s worth I will be very cranky.