I had a long nap today. It didn’t do much for my emotional stability. We decided to take the dogs outside for a little while, all I had to do was throw on some sweats and shoes and put their leashes on. I couldn’t find my sandals. I knew I had just seen them in the house, sitting out in the open, but do you think I could find them again? Not a chance. I have a bunch of other shoes to wear, but they all require socks and I have no clean socks. I wanted my goddamn sandals, and I couldn’t find them. I was really starting to lose my temper, stomping through the house back and forth, when I found them. Crisis averted… right?

I baked some bread to eat with dinner. After it was baked and the food made I decided it was the wrong bread for the meal and was upset for the next hour because it didn’t taste quite right with my soup. I should have bought some ciabatta bread from the grocery store, but by then it was too late and the store was closed.

And then finally, 11:30 at night, my husband comes to bed. I realize I still have to take my pills, including my first birth control pill of the cycle. I couldn’t find them. I know, I KNOW, I had just had them in my hands. I had pulled them out of my nightstand where I stashed them last cycle when I was done, and put them somewhere. Problem was, I couldn’t figure out where “somewhere” was.

And I just snapped. I was berating myself for losing the one effing important thing right now, I’m so disorganized right now, timing is so critical this month and I need my birth control pills now, tonight. I just burst into tears in the middle of the kitchen and started sobbing.

Mere seconds later I found the stupid pills package sitting on a chair in the living room (why on a chair? I will never, ever know), grabbed them, and went back into the bedroom and threw myself onto the bed where my very confused and concerned husband tried to comfort me as I sobbed into my pillow.

Den kept asking me what was wrong, since I had found the pills, but I couldn’t even answer. Everything was wrong. I failed. I failed at making a baby when I was given two perfect, beautiful little embryos, and now I can’t even find my damn pills when I need them. Why these two things are/were at all the same in my head I can’t say, but it sure sparked off a whole mess of emotions in me.

I only cried for a minute or less, and yeah I did feel better when I was done. Foolish for completely losing it because I couldn’t find something, but better.

My thoughts today have revolved around “degrees” of infertility. How, when we started treatment, I used to be the tiniest bit concerned that I would get pregnant with just a couple of clomid pills and I wouldn’t “truly” be infertile… worried about being “that person” who acts like an infertile and whines and cries and then gets pregnant right away. The one other IFers can have a hard time sympathizing with, after a year of failed treatments. Not that I wouldn’t have been completely thrilled with getting pregnant, don’t get me wrong.

Today I was thinking about how, now, I am really truly an infertile. No magical first-time’s-the-charm for us. No “Oh, well, it was just bad luck!” We’re going into IVF#2 with ICSI. I never considered that we might need ICSI. It simply never crossed my mind… just like the thought that we wouldn’t have tons of embryos didn’t really enter into consideration either. I can feel myself moving from “hopeful new-to-treatment” to “bitter and frustrated veteran” and I don’t much care for it at all. I hope this anger and frustration fades away. I would like to have some hope back. I can’t live with all this emotional baggage forever.

And we still have that family gathering to go to tomorrow. Den’s sympathetic to my not wanting to be in social situations right now feeling, but of course we have to go. I’ve told him I’m bringing my knitting and may not really feel like being a chatty cathy. I guess there’s a chance it’ll turn out to be fun, but there’s also a pretty good chance I could burst into tears in the middle of the kitchen and hide in the bathroom for an hour. Flip a coin. On second thought, don’t… we haven’t been very lucky with gambling lately.