Today I got into work to find an interoffice envelope on my desk from the HR person. Of course my first thought was, “Crap! Did I not fill something out right?!” I opened it up to read a note from her asking me to sign something. It was just a confirmation form acknowledging my payroll deductions for the health insurance.

But underneath it was some other pages she printed out. In response to the note I had written to her, letting her now that we have some upcoming medical procedures and that I need my ID cards as soon as possible, she printed off the confirmation pages for me, that includes my subscriber ID number and group number and everything I need. I read the page with a furrowed brow for a moment until I realized that I was holding in my hand everything I need to get this cycle started. Right here! I feel like writing her a big gushy thank-you card. And maybe a box of cookies. I’m sure she has no idea how much that little gesture means to me.

So Monday morning I will call the IVF insurance coordinator to give her all the info, Tuesday my coverage starts, and I should have the pre-approval process complete and be ready to order stims! Can you believe it’s next week already that I start?! I feel such a sense of peace about it.

::

At my other job we are currently looking for a volunteer to take part of my duties off my shoulder. The organization is growing very quickly, and I’m getting a wee bit swamped. I think my bosses are getting a little concerned about me burning out, so they’ve made it a priority to somehow ease my burdens a little bit. The other good thing is that the duties I’ll be handing over are some of the physical stuff. Other than helping load/unload my truck my entire job will be paperwork, computer work, graphics, photos, design, etc. Which is wicked awesome, in my mind. And it means I won’t need to worry about how to do my job when I’m pregnant this time around. (Yes, I did the job when pregnant last time, but last time I wasn’t a paranoid freak and actually still did a lot of lifting and stuff, which I will not be doing this time.)

It’s kind of funny to me… I started out as assistant to the boss. But then stuff got busy, so I started basically helping the manager with her duties, becoming assistant manager (a position that was created by me, basically). And now things are still growing and I’m going to get an assistant. Ha!

One thing I am really really missing about being pregnant: I am fucking freezing!! Last winter was the first winter my hands didn’t feel like they were going to fall off. My blood runs cold – when everyone else is hot, I am comfortable. Which probably explains why I was comfortably wearing turtlenecks all through my pregnancy, when most 8-months-pregnant people are parked in front of an open window in the dead of winter. Typically I am a block of ice. Like now.

::

I drove home from work today feeling almost content. I like working full-time. It feels good to be productive, to be busy, to be an adult.

The thing is, I am 26 years old and had never before worked full-time or at any point supported myself. I lived with my parents, supported by them, while I attended college. Summers, instead of working full-time as many students do, I visited the United States to be with Den, and was not allowed to work. After I graduated I immigrated to the United States, and was fully dependent on my husband for everything, as per the immigration rules (again, unable to work for quite some time). Den has supported us almost 100% since then, with me working part-time for a mere fraction of what he earns.

But now I have a real job, the kind of job people actually support themselves on. I have signed myself up for my own health and dental insurance. I have paid vacation and sick leave. I am still not making anywhere close to what Den does, but for the first time I’m making a living.

Don’t get me wrong, I have no worries that Den won’t be able to support us, or that he would ever leave me to fend for myself. But a part of me has always wondered, am I even capable of supporting myself? Am I the type of person who can’t handle a normal adult life, who would require someone to take care of me? I never thought I was, but there was always that question in my head. Maybe I was just… not capable. I don’t think I need to point out that I’m rather independent. Being entirely dependent on someone else is not exactly easy for me.

I feel relief at the answer. I drove home singing along with the radio, trying to flexing my toes in my fancy high-heeled shoes, thinking about the nice blackberry I’ll be getting next week.

::

1 week until lupron, 2 weeks until stims.

My beautiful, awesome looking phone was delivered yesterday. It is being shipped back tomorrow. Broken. :( I try to charge it, it doesn’t charge. I pretty much assumed there was a problem, not something stupid I was doing, but called technical support. Stayed on hold for 20 minutes waiting to speak to a live person. Was finally connected, gave the woman my info, mentioned my problem and…. phhtttt the phone I was talking on shut itself off. Aggghhhh!!! I was not amused. Used Den’s phone to call back, had to sit on hold for another 20 minutes to get a live person. And yeah, it’s a problem, have to send it back. Grrrr. I have a pre-paid FedEx label to use and I’ll probably get the replacement monday, but STILL. I want it now! Sigh. I really like the look and feel of this phone… errr, crackberry. I really think I’m going to like it.

And just think, next time I can be emailing/blogging from the ultrasounds, appointments, and even from the labor room.

::

Today I called HR to clarify some things about the health insurance forms, then packaged them up and stuck them in the inter-office mail. I included a note about how I have some precedures coming up and am really hoping to get my insurance card/number as soon as my coverage starts. Next step is I have to forward all this info to the IVF insurance coordinator. I just have to wait for that magic number and we can kick the next stage forward.

Which is, oh, next week. Next tuesday is the day that my insurance coverage starts. Next week is when I need to start lupron. OMG. I feel… almost giddy. And I can’t begin to tell you how good that feels. Those who are further into BabyLoss Land probably know exactly what I mean, and those of you in BabyLoss Land who aren’t here yet probably can’t even picture the day. (And the rest of you, well, it’s hard to explain when you have no frame of reference.) But I feel like I have a glimpse of how it could be someday, when I don’t feel aweful all the time. Some real tangible evidence that one day I really will feel joy again. I won’t always feel terrible. That was the one thing I desperately wanted to know.

I cannot imagine my next child. I can’t. I can’t agree on any names with my husband, because I really just cannot picture this other child, a not-Devin. But that doesn’t mean it won’t come to be. I think, more than anything, what I have learned is to surrender to life. To awknowledge what I do not and cannot know, with the understanding and acceptance that some day I may understand. Some day I may not. But I am able to shelve these ideas and not worry about them, for it is not now. When it is now, then I will worry and think and plan. For the time being I will simply let it be. And I’m okay with that.

It’s kind of reassuring that, despite what I am dealing with and what I have been through, I am still far less screwed up than many other people. In fact, I think I’m coping remarkably well for the shit hand I’ve been dealt so far. Depression and anxiety, infertility, child loss… and I’m still functional.

And here I used to think I was the messed up one.

Sonofagun. My husband went online and ordered me my new pink Blackberry with email… and didn’t have to change plans. It let him just “renew” for 2 years. That’s all. Bing bang done.

Can anyone explain how things just magically work out for husbands?! And why customer service reps lie to me??

I’m getting a pink phone. With keyboard. Squee!

I happen to be very loyal to my possessions. When I find something that works for me I tend to take care of them and hold on to them. This is why three and a half years after I moved to the US and got a cell phone I still have the same phone. I like it. I took care when selecting it, visiting the store to touch all of the options in person and ask questions about what one would work best in our house (which tends to prevent great reception). I ended up with a very solid LG flip phone, it has great reception, long battery life, works reliably, and is pretty. I know we can “trade up” every year or two if we want to – Den is on his third, for various reasons – but I will glance at the options and ask why I would bother with the hassle if my current phone is working just fine.

The one problem I have had are the keys. I feel like I was born with a QWERTY keyboard at my fingertips, and having to use the T9 function with the letters in alphabetical order results in a slow hunt-and-peck version of typing. I don’t do a lot of texting, but if I were to get a new phone it would have to have a QWERTY keyboard or there’s just really no point in switching.

A couple of days ago I was poking around the Verizon Wireless website to see what options I might have. I peeked at the Blackberries and ooo! They had PINK Blackberries! With QWERTY keyboards! And they were majorly discounted with rebates. The Blackberry Curve was only $100. And it was pink, did I mention the pink? I knew then what I wanted to do.

Of course detailed searching online, a visit to a nearby Verizon store, and talking with a service rep via IM on their website has pretty much sufficiently doused my enthusiasm. We have some Major Issues.

The family plan we currently have is a little more expensive than its the nation-wide counterpart because it includes Canada roaming and long-distance. No extra fees. Anytime I call my parents and talk for two hours (which can be frequently), or visit my parents and use my phone to call my husband or deal with businiess, I don’t have to worry about getting slapped with a huge bill. It’s all included. Needless to say this is very important for us to have.

I asked the Rep online if I could keep this plan and get a new phone. No, we have to upgrade to one of their new plans. Okay, do you have a plan that includes Canada? Yes. How much is the family plan? Oh, we don’t offer a family plan. Just a single plan. ….. What? So basically, their response is, “Sorry, you’re SOL.” According to their online options we can never get new phones, because we would lose our plan. We’d either have to get separate plans (very expensive) or pay per minute for all calls to Canada on top of our airtime (also very expensive). I’m pissed.

Earlier in the day I had gone into the local store to see the phones in person and ask a couple of questions. They have the phones. They also have a family plan that includes Canada. (How the fuck does a local store have it, but Verizon online doesn’t?? That makes NO sense.) The plan happens to cost $10 more per month than what we currently pay. And those Blackberries? The “discounted” price with a new 2 year plan is $199. Holy fuck. That’s a lot more than online. That’s twice what we can afford, and I’m sorry but a new phone is not worth that much to me.

Oh, and all of those costs are not including the $30/month extra we’d have to pay to get email on my Blackberry, which is kind of what I was hoping for. I’m at the bank three and a half days a week with no access to email, which is making it difficult for me to stay on top of client emails, since they usually contact me during business hours. If I want to continue doing that I really do kinda need email access somehow. (This also makes the QWERTY keypad that much more important.)

That’s Verizon’s answer to us: lose the plan and get the cheap phone, or keep the plan and pay out your ass for the phone. I am pretty pissed off.

So I called AT&T. I was told they have an international plan that is just $5.99/month on top of a nationwide plan – which ends up being cheaper than what we are currently paying. They carry the Blackberries, and on the website are even cheaper than Verizon. It’s the same $30/month for email access.

BUT. AT&T only has the silver Curve. No pink!! Sonofa.

Den’s telling me it’ll all work out and that it’s a Christmas gift. Christmas gift or not, I am really struggling to justify the extra expense on a damn phone. Do I really need email that bad? I just wanted to spend like $50 for a cute new phone. How did it turn into a big headache? I think I hate wireless companies.

No headache today!! Well, I had a headache of the other kind… the frustration kind where at the end of a shift you just want to slam your head into something because holy hell man, was it a game of how many mistakes I could make in one 3-hour period or something?? Ugh. But the actual physical head feels fine and clear.

I craved salad today, so that’s what I ate for lunch. It was good. I need to eat more salads. I am trying to figure out how to get more fruits and veggies in my diet, considering I do not like veggies and I hate buying either because they go bad in about .2 days. (I really have issues with my produce.) But I *need* to eat better! I’m starting the worrying already… are my food choices hurting my little eggs? Is this going to be the make-it-or-break-it for if we get an embryo out of this cycle? I’m all freaked out, especially since the doctor was right, eating dairy does make my allergies flare up worse. Shit. That has always been where I got most of my protein. I’m kind of screwed, aren’t I. Rock… hard place… me in the middle. Shit. Suggestions are welcome, though keep in mind that I’m a picky eater. So far I’m gravitating towards chicken, and I should eat more eggs and peanut butter.

I am also still feeling slightly nauseated when I eat. I’m hungry so I start chowing on something, then after a few bites I get this overwhelming “I’m full” feeling and eating more makes me feel very icky-nauseated. On the good side this has really curbed my pig-outs and I’ve dropped another pound. And yes, since I seem to be able to eat less, I am trying to eat better choices. My weight is now down to about 147 lbs, give or take (it fluctuates from day to day). I can probably attribute that to me not drinking milk anymore. I found a good way to discourage myself: I stopped buying organic. “Normal” milk tastes like shit to me now, so every time I lose my willpower and grab a secret glass of milk it tastes gross and I don’t want it anymore.

Still waking up all sweaty, though. That part is fantastic. Although that could be related to how warm it’s been lately… but it just seems too coincidental. Maybe I’ll try a lighter blanket tonight.

Today was my sonohysterogram. Unlike the HSG, this was done in the RE’s office in a normal ultrasound room.

There was the requisite 40 minute wait to get called back (seriously, seriously irritating aspect of this clinic – they are NEVER on time). And then we got shown to the ultrasound room. The Resident was there – yes, the one who went over my history in September. And you know what? She did the same damn thing again. I mentioned that, yes, I have had a vaginal delivery since my HSG, and she asked when. I said March. She said, “Oh congratulations!” … Yeah. Okay. Thanks, but the baby’s dead. Immediate apologies and back-pedaling. She remembered then that we had gone over this last time. I really would have thought that putting your foot in your mouth once would teach you a lesson. Apparently not. I wonder if she’ll attempt a round three – she’ll probably recognize my face next time.

In any case, I explained to her about the problem that I had last time with the HSG, with the catheter slipping out, the balloon being over-inflated, and me being in pain. She said she’d try to be careful.

Speculums still suck, no matter how stretched out I’ve gotten during delivery. Yeah, there were some little cramps as the catheter went in. The speculum came out, ultrasound probe went in, and apparently they injected the small amount of saline into my uterus. Then she – with the RE’s guidance – set to scanning my uterus to make sure it was shaped correctly and that there were no polyps or other formations. It was obviously all clear. :)

No pain! She even had to deflate the balloon a bit, because it was obscuring some of my uterus. I didn’t feel it at all. I really don’t know what they did during my HSG that second attempt, but I will never forget it.

They also took a look at my ovaries. My right one was hiding a bit (hard to get a good picture of), but each of them had roughly 15 antral follicles. Same as usual with me. I say it’s a damn good thing my body makes so many eggs, considering how few of them mature. I think that’s the one factor (and probably the egg quality) that keeps me from needing donor eggs yet.

Afterwards I did have some cramping. It was really weird, becuse it didn’t start until after we were done and on our way out to the car that I started getting little jabs spiking up from my cervix. I would be walking along, then yelp. Den was looking at me kind of funny. The cramping only lasted 15 minutes or so, then I was fine.

All in all a much less painful experience! Even with a Resident at the helm.

Today I finally delved into the lowest shelf of my office bookcase and pulled out the box of meds – the pills and injectables and needles that I stashed away after IVF#2 was successful. I remember that I kept it out on the table for most of my pregnancy – I think it was only the last trimester that I put it away. I guess it was my one “just in case”; I moved headfirst into my pregnancy in every other way, but I kept that box of meds out just in case I’d need it again, and as a visual reminder of what I’d struggled through to make it to that moment.

Ironically enough now it is the basket of Devin’s things that I keep on that table in that spot. A reminder of what I have been through, but also of where I can go. I don’t foresee me putting it away anytime soon, either. I guess there are just some things that are very hard for me to let go of. It comforts me to have it there.

It’s a little strange to see the basket and box of syringes there, side-by-side. A very visual reminder of the dual struggles I face.

::

I am having worse side-effects from the pill this go-around than I did with any of the medications last time – including the cycles on clomid. I have the worst headache, and have been getting them every evening. I’ve been feeling nauseated a lot… not to the point of morning sickness, but I eat and just feel sick. Plus I haven’t stopped bleeding from AF yet! That’s really bugging me… it’s usually 4 days flow, 1 day spotting. And I’m still spotting… and spotting and OMG would it stop?! It’s making me nervous.

Maybe I should start reading my journal from last cycle. I have been neck-deep in all of last cycle’s statistics and data, but my blog record is far more than that… it is a measure of emotion, of where I was mentally at that time and place. I have not yet been brave enough to re-read from that period. It’s really hits me hard when I read something written by the old me – the person who had no idea what was coming down the pipeline. It’s a very heartsore reminder of what I have lost deep down inside.

Or maybe the headache is related to the fact that today is 8 months. A fact that I did not even realize until I saw my ticker on a forum said 8 months. Huh. Go figure.

::

I got the package from HR today, all the info about the health plans they offer at work. The IVF coverage is wonderful, the out-of-pocket costs are nearly half what we currently pay under Den’s plan, but we really staggered at the price of the premiums. We would be looking at $110 per week for the family plan. Maybe that’s normal for the rest of you, but my husband’s federal plan is way less than that… less than half. Another case in point of why McCain’s health care “refund” plan sucked monkey balls: for the family plan at my work it would cost $5700 per year, and that’s with the employer paying 75% of the cost. That’s just… staggering.

I of course whipped out a new Excel spreadsheet to compare our different options and figure out what will cost us less in the long run over the year, taking into account all projected out of pocket costs and premiums. Turns out it’ll be cheaper for us each have a single plan. For Den his plan is actually ideal: the high out of pocket costs don’t matter so much when he doesn’t spends very very little time in a doctor’s office, the low premiums by far make up for it. For me however? I have to deal with sick/allergy visits, chiropractor, mental therapy, IVF, and hopefully maternity. That is a LOT of out of pocket costs. And remember how last time I ended up getting hit with a $40 “outpatient facility fee” every time I saw my midwives? Yeah, they raised that cost to $50. And with me going to see them as often as I will be… that would be one hell of an expensive pregnancy. Worth it, of course. But that would really hurt us financially. This plan of my employers has NO maternity visit fee, and NO maternity outpatient fee. I can go as often I need to without worrying about costs. The only costs will be a $250 copayment if/when I do get admitted (for delivery or otherwise). That we can deal with.

So we’ve made our selection and I will be sending in the paperwork to get myself all signed up. We have a little less than 2 weeks until the official start date that I am covered. And when I asked the woman at BC/BS on the phone about turn-around time for pre-approval she said it should take at most a week, though if we have an expected date of treatment they will try to process it quicker. Which means I should be fine! Tight, but fine. It’ll be a little stressful, but what else is new.

I am slightly mollified by this: Lawsuit Challenging Proposition 8 Filed. My husband suggested this would happen, and of course he was right. I am relieved to see this will be fought. I don’t see how this could possibly be upheld as constitutional – but then again, crazier things have happened in this country.

From my watching and participating in debates on the issue of same-sex marriage it does appear to me that to find a solution the country is going to have to make the separation between church and state much more clear: we’re going to define the civil government-upheld union under one name, and the religious union under another. There are always exceptions, but I feel like a lot of people who are okay with the idea of equal *rights* are unable to give up their religious concept of the term marriage.

::

I am happy that an African American has attained the high office of President (-Elect). But the question on my mind is – would America elect an Atheist?

I see the things said during campaigns, like the attack by Elizabeth Dole’s Senatorial campaign in North Carolina saying that Kay Hagan was Godless. Well, first of all it wasn’t true – Hagan is a Christian. But, like Colin Powel said about the allegation that Obama is a Muslim (which is also very untrue): So what if he is? Are Athiests and Muslims not allowed to be elected in this country? Are other religions still so unaccepted that you have to belong to the “correct” religion to be elected to office?

It’s really quite offensive to me, being a very open Atheist. I really take offense to the implication that I am less of a person because I do not share a religion with someone… that I am not capable of leadership. I don’t have to tell you what kind of person I am – I expect my actions to stand that test. I want people – especially the leaders of our country – to be judged based on how they treat others, how they conduct themselves, what they say and do… not what religion they subscribe to.

I try very hard to live that in my daily life. I have friends of many religions. I don’t care what you call yourself. I don’t care what God you are faithful to. If you treat me with respect, if you follow through on what you say, if you live with compassion, then that is all I need to know.

I wish more people believed the same.

::

Alaska might re-elect their current Senator who has been convicted in federal court on seven counts of corruption. This is just beyond my comprehension. I can understand if he had been indicted, but no verdict yet. I’m willing to suspend judgement for a while. But he was CONVICTED! In federal court! WTF!

::

But despite the shadows I still remain so very excited. I really want to see what Obama can do for this country. Watching him speak just makes me so proud, so hopeful. It’s wonderful.

I know many people just wanted the election over with so they can stop hearing about it. I actually think I’m a little disappointed that it’s over. I really enjoyed all the politics – that’s something I never thought I’d say.

I have absolutely no interest in actually becoming a politician, LOL. But I think I’d like to follow politics and I really want to educate myself much further on the American system. These last few months have been somewhat of a crash course for me. I currently don’t have any options for classes I could take at the college in US History, but thankfully my husband has dug up his old textbook, American Government In Action. I guess I know what I’ll be reading!

I feel a little woken up by all of this. Energised. This has given me something to invest myself into, something that really has nothing to do with babies or Devin. I’m enjoying myself, and that’s something worthwhile.