Today I finally delved into the lowest shelf of my office bookcase and pulled out the box of meds – the pills and injectables and needles that I stashed away after IVF#2 was successful. I remember that I kept it out on the table for most of my pregnancy – I think it was only the last trimester that I put it away. I guess it was my one “just in case”; I moved headfirst into my pregnancy in every other way, but I kept that box of meds out just in case I’d need it again, and as a visual reminder of what I’d struggled through to make it to that moment.

Ironically enough now it is the basket of Devin’s things that I keep on that table in that spot. A reminder of what I have been through, but also of where I can go. I don’t foresee me putting it away anytime soon, either. I guess there are just some things that are very hard for me to let go of. It comforts me to have it there.

It’s a little strange to see the basket and box of syringes there, side-by-side. A very visual reminder of the dual struggles I face.

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I am having worse side-effects from the pill this go-around than I did with any of the medications last time – including the cycles on clomid. I have the worst headache, and have been getting them every evening. I’ve been feeling nauseated a lot… not to the point of morning sickness, but I eat and just feel sick. Plus I haven’t stopped bleeding from AF yet! That’s really bugging me… it’s usually 4 days flow, 1 day spotting. And I’m still spotting… and spotting and OMG would it stop?! It’s making me nervous.

Maybe I should start reading my journal from last cycle. I have been neck-deep in all of last cycle’s statistics and data, but my blog record is far more than that… it is a measure of emotion, of where I was mentally at that time and place. I have not yet been brave enough to re-read from that period. It’s really hits me hard when I read something written by the old me – the person who had no idea what was coming down the pipeline. It’s a very heartsore reminder of what I have lost deep down inside.

Or maybe the headache is related to the fact that today is 8 months. A fact that I did not even realize until I saw my ticker on a forum said 8 months. Huh. Go figure.

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I got the package from HR today, all the info about the health plans they offer at work. The IVF coverage is wonderful, the out-of-pocket costs are nearly half what we currently pay under Den’s plan, but we really staggered at the price of the premiums. We would be looking at $110 per week for the family plan. Maybe that’s normal for the rest of you, but my husband’s federal plan is way less than that… less than half. Another case in point of why McCain’s health care “refund” plan sucked monkey balls: for the family plan at my work it would cost $5700 per year, and that’s with the employer paying 75% of the cost. That’s just… staggering.

I of course whipped out a new Excel spreadsheet to compare our different options and figure out what will cost us less in the long run over the year, taking into account all projected out of pocket costs and premiums. Turns out it’ll be cheaper for us each have a single plan. For Den his plan is actually ideal: the high out of pocket costs don’t matter so much when he doesn’t spends very very little time in a doctor’s office, the low premiums by far make up for it. For me however? I have to deal with sick/allergy visits, chiropractor, mental therapy, IVF, and hopefully maternity. That is a LOT of out of pocket costs. And remember how last time I ended up getting hit with a $40 “outpatient facility fee” every time I saw my midwives? Yeah, they raised that cost to $50. And with me going to see them as often as I will be… that would be one hell of an expensive pregnancy. Worth it, of course. But that would really hurt us financially. This plan of my employers has NO maternity visit fee, and NO maternity outpatient fee. I can go as often I need to without worrying about costs. The only costs will be a $250 copayment if/when I do get admitted (for delivery or otherwise). That we can deal with.

So we’ve made our selection and I will be sending in the paperwork to get myself all signed up. We have a little less than 2 weeks until the official start date that I am covered. And when I asked the woman at BC/BS on the phone about turn-around time for pre-approval she said it should take at most a week, though if we have an expected date of treatment they will try to process it quicker. Which means I should be fine! Tight, but fine. It’ll be a little stressful, but what else is new.