Just curious – is major moodswings a symptom of pregnancy? Cause man, I am totally on the wire today. Granted a bunch of shitty things happened – but I totally lost it because I couldn’t find the packing tape. Yes, I was under a time crunch and I just bought it and now I still can’t find it – but I was just furious.

Meh, I’m probably PMSing.

I ordered pizza and reactivated my World of Warcraft account. That was Den’s suggestion, the gaming – he thinks I need something to occupy myself, and he’s not wrong.

I do feel okay today. The pets are all being extra clingy today, except Zeeke who is an assmunch like normal. I went and layed down on the futon in Den’s office for a while, and Zoe curled up against my stomach. I don’t know if she picks up on my moods or not, but she absolutely loves getting attention and I’ve been giving her a lot today. Whatever my mood she’s always my shadow, follows me everywhere. Whatever I’m doing, wherever I am in the house, I can always count on her to be at hand. Currently she’s laying on the floor behind my desk. The cats, too, are being affectionate – napping on my lap, following me around, taking over my desk to “help” me with typing. It really helped me, because the pets make me feel like a mama. I am their mama.

I do feel angry though. Angry that this keeps happening, angry that it feels like I will never see two pink lines on a pregnancy test. Maybe angry is to harsh… just frustrated.

I’m still really fighting to not blame myself for any of it. The thoughts creep in – maybe if I’d eaten better, maybe if I hadn’t used my laptop on my lap so much, maybe if I didn’t lift so much at work… but those just don’t affect implantation.

But I am blaming Den’s sperm for not being able to read a map and find their way to the egg. It’s Den’s and my little joke.

Well… at least I know. Every second that ticked by my shoulders slumped a little more. The control line got nice and dark. Nothing else did. It always amazes me every month, how stark white a test can be. 4 eggs, good progesterone, and nothing. In essence, four normal months of trying, nothing. What the hell is wrong? How can getting pregnant be THIS difficult when there is NOTHING wrong?

Not crying though. Big part of me is just resigned to BFNs every single month and expects it. I do feel very hollow inside.

Oh this is getting bad. It’s 2am. I want to get up at around 6am to test – not before, I want that pee to concentrate like hell. But, not only can I not sleep… my mind is racing like crazy… but I have to pee! Uggghhh. Four hours left. O.O I guess I shouldn’t have napped today… I’m totally wired, but if I get up I will have to use the bathroom which will just make my wait longer! Bored bored bored.

If I believed in a god I’d be praying so hard right now. As it is I am sending out wishes to the stars and the wishing stone and fairies and anything that will listen to me.

I test tomorrow morning. And I am so fricking nervous. I feel like I should have done in this morning when I thought about it, because at least then there was no lead-up. I napped all day to pass the time (and to keep warm), but now it’s closing on 9pm and I feel sick with anxiety. I don’t know what to expect, I don’t know if I should get my hopes up, I don’t know how I’m going to handle it if it’s negative again.

I just want to see that line. Please, please, let me see that little line. Make me believe again.

This probably means nothing other than the fact that my body still thinks it’s a teenager, but I have a huge mountain of a zit on my chin. It hurts. And it’s very annoying, because my face was just almost clear. I’ve been on Proactiv for a month, and you can definitely tell that my face is clearing up. But not totally, obviously… every time I think it’s all clear and ready to start healing, something like this explodes. And of course where there’s one there’s many… it’s a little chain reaction and it takes forever to get them back under control.

Light I hope my acne doesn’t get worse during pregnancy. Because seriously, I don’t know if my face can handle it. Poor thing’s already pockmarked all to hell with scars.

I am feeling really out of whack today. It’s like the feeling I get when I don’t take my medication, but I know I took it yesterday. I’m very anxious. That might have something to do with the dentist’s bill we just got, my present that just arrived (which I know was very expensive, a calculated expense but still it’s on my mind) and the stack of 100 christmas cards I am going to be mailing tomorrow. That’s going to cost a bit. I’m sure it’ll all be fine, we’re not in the poor house at all, but I guess it’s all getting to me. I just feel very anxious.

It’s also about that time of the month – with less than 2 days until my test date – that all my optimism vanishes and I start thinking that I was obviously on crack when I thought I was pregnant because there’s no way I am. Right? Right? Maybe it’s just my heart’s way of protecting itself. I’m scared to test. I’m going to, because I want to know – but it’s probably going to be another negative. Like every month. (I honestly just think that at this point my brain can’t wrap itself around the idea that it might actually be a positive some month.)

I called the RE Nurse voicemail, asked them to please let me know what my progesterone was. The nurse called back while I was in a store at the cashier and left a message on my phone. She said my progesterone level was 70.8. I listened to the message twice. I had Den listen to the message. She definitely said 70, not 17. It was a big ol’ WTF?!?! moment, because I was expecting a number between, say, 10 and 25. 70 is huge. On the forums people think she meant 17. I don’t think so. I found this on an infertility website:

So it stands to reason that with four eggs, four corpus luteums, my levels would be much higher than “normally” expected.

I’m watching a birth show on Discovery Health – very typical for me. I watch a lot of births on TV. I think it’s helping me come to terms with my fear of labor, to understand the process and accept it – embrace it for what it is.

Today one of the women giving birth was just screaming. I think she was having back labor. This was in a birth center, and she was doing it non-medicated. And when the baby came out she started crying, saying, “My baby, my baby, I love you so much.”

And I immediately started crying. I still am crying. What a beautiful little baby. What struck me most is that she was in horrible, horrible pain, but as soon as that baby came out nothing else mattered one little bit, she’d do it all again for him.

Like I said, I’ve watched a lot of births on TV the last many many months. And I have never once cried.

There is a new write-up about unexplained infertility over at Stirrup Queens. A good read. A few very interesting points: