My husband is a very private person. I’m not. We’ve gotten into some tiffs before over the issue, because sometimes I share things with friends online that he is not comfortable others knowing. You know how it is – when you first start having sex you tell your girlfriends all about it. Men just don’t think the same way. I keep a blog, I write on forums, I share things with women online that are the deepest parts of me. Den doesn’t always understand it, but he almost always supports it as something I need to do. He’s good like that.

But he really isn’t like that. He doesn’t talk to his friends about his hopes and fears. When he and I started dating and getting serious the first time his family heard about me was months later when he introduced me to them all. When we got engaged I had to keep hounding Den “Did you tell your mother yet?!” It’s not that he doesn’t want to tell people things. He simply doesn’t see the need for it. It never occurs to him. His life is his life and he likes to keep it that way.

When we started TTC I of course was not very shy about it. I joined forums, I started this blog, I told all my friends. I discovered that most people don’t go around telling family members and RL friends. I rather expected Den to follow that path. So it really surprized me when he out and told his family that we were trying. He didn’t make a point to, but it came up in conversation and he told them all about it. I was a little taken aback… okay, more than a little. And to this day he still has conversations with his brother about our progress, about the SA results, the doctor visits. I don’t think he goes into detail – but I know they definitely have an open line of communication between them. And I think that’s really cool.

Den has been funny the last few days. As with me he obviously wants to get excited about the fact that my period is late. But at the same time he tries to stay grounded and not get worked up. (He’s much better at it than me.) Which is why the last several days I’ve left it up to him whether or not I should test. He’s usually telling me not to test, to wait it out. So it amused me that the past two days he’s been the one saying, “Yes! Test!”

But again, we try to stay grounded. I was explaining to him what my friend said, about how clomid and the high progesterone level could very well be the culprit. One of the most special things about him is that throughout this process he’s listened intently as I explain these things and asks me more questions. This morning as I was expressing my frustration at not knowing if it was just the clomid or if it was pregnancy, he said to me in frustration, “I wish I understood this all better.” And that is pretty cool.

A friend on a forum just got her BFP. As excited as I am for her – and don’t get me wrong, I am very excited for her – if my period shows up this month it’s really going to suck. We tested together on the same day, got BFNs… two days later we both tested again, I got another BFN, she got a BFP. It sucks because I feel so guilty and selfish, but I can’t help thinking, “Why not ME?” :(

But it’s not over yet. I have everything crossed. Although I am checking for spotting quite frequently. ;) But I have no “heavy” feeling still…. that’s the one thing I do get before AF arrives… my insides feel “heavy”, like a raindrop about to fall. (I really have no better way of explaining it.) It usually happens a few hours before AF hits, I can feel it creeping up on me every month. And even when I had that cramping on monday, I didn’t have the heavy feeling. So every few hours I do a mental “check-in” for the heavy feeling and feel relieved when it’s not there.

If I AM pregnant, I would really like to know why those pee sticks aren’t telling me so. Grrr! I guess I could be one of those people for whom it doesn’t show up until much later… I never really considered that possibility before, since everyone else I know got their BFP right before AF was even expected, with very few exceptions. But then, lately I’ve been all about falling into the exceptions, haven’t I.

Now I’m at the point where I really, really wish I knew what my tempertures were doing. Damn. Great time to take a complete charting break. Reminder to self: next time, chart at least the LP.

I just realized…. that unfortunately now, if AF does arrive, she’ll be right in time for christmas. Damn!!

No period. However, a friend on the forum told me that clomid tended to extend her LP (the time before AF arrives) by several days for her – because more eggs = more progesterone. So unfortunately it seems I have more waiting to do. I did take another HPT (I asked Den if I should, he said yes) – it was negative. So who the hell knows. Maybe the progesterone is just dragging out my agony. I think if I get to 18 dpo with no sign of either a BFP or AF I’m going to call the doctor.

It’s that cramping two days ago that make me wonder.

Still no AF, still no more spotting. It’s getting late and I’m going to bed soon.

I am feeling some very light cramps again. Uterus-cramps, not cervix-cramps.

I just looked over all my past charts. The only times I spotted without getting my period immediately afterwards was my first and second cycles off the pill – I had some pre-AF spotting. But every other chart I spotted, I got AF, almost always within hours. So where is AF?? I even walked around the mall for a little bit today (christmas presents for my family, UGH, they are so frustrating!). La la la. Going to go eat lunch now.

o.O This is just very weird. And the cramping I had yesterday makes it much weirder. That never happens either.

(And I’m hesitant to even post this, because every time I post, “Wow this is unusual! It’s a good sign!” AF arrives.)

AF never showed. I woke up from a dream in which I’d gotten AF. I made a calculated run to the bathroom to find… nothing. Not a spot. I almost forgot to pee in a cup, but I remembered halfway through. Took another HPT… it was negative. So today will tell? I feel like AF will hit me any minute.

Driving to and from my meeting tonight I could feel something weird in my stomach. Not my usual “heavy” pre-AF feeling, but like little uncomfortable twinges. I kept “checking in” with it to see if it had moved, gotten worse, changed, etc. I finally told Den that “I feel weird.” I kept telling myself that it was probably not a good sign – but part of me whispered that cramping could be good, too.

So I checked in the bathroom. I wanted so much to be able to post about cramping and no spotting. But… not to be. Tinge of pink in my CM. Just the way it always starts. And I can definitely say that the cramping is getting heavier. I had just totally forgotten that today was 13dpo – the evening I usually get AF. I thought it was a day earlier for some reason.

Would it be silly to say I felt a kind of peace as I stared at the spot of pink? Just a feeling of… well, at least there’s no more guessing.