Last night it did finally hit me how much better christmas would be with little kids – even a baby – to spoil. Last year I really thought we’d have a kiddo by now. Plus I’m sorta regretting not flying back to my parents’ for the holiday. BUT I’m determined to really enjoy myself and enjoy christmas for what it is. I really do love christmas and I don’t want to let any of that – or my cranky pants hubby – get me down. :)

Well, I do have two dogs and two cats, all of whom KNOW there is something REALLY GOOD in their stocking and they want it now. So that will be fun. :)

So tonight we did indeed go out, and thankfully we didn’t stay out as late as we initially intended. I did indeed get drunk as planned, and unfortunately am now paying the price. Ugh. But, I think it was a worth it for a nice out with family and friends, feeling giddy and forgetting all the YUCK.

During dinner my BIL’s new GF – whom we just met for the first time, btw – says to Den in the way of conversation, “So… any children on the way or anything?”

Den replied, “Well… it’s a long story, but that’s the plan. We’ve been trying for a while now.” (Again I’m amazed at how upfront my dear husband is being.)

Did we get assvice? NO!! She nodded and said sagely, “I know a few people who have been through that. A friend of mine tried for YEARS to get pregnant. It’s really amazing that it happens at all, it’s so complicated, everything has to happen at just the right time!”

And I thought… Yes. At least SOME people get it.

It was a very good evening overall. I just wish I didn’t feel so sick now.

Well there was no gush, no trumpets heralding the arrival of AF. Which is kind of pissing me off, because I could really use a 2×4 instead of a suggestion, you know? When I woke up this morning I felt… nothing. And I was all kinds of “WTF?!” I peed – in a cup, to test again before calling the RE – and only when I was done did I see blood on the tissue when I wiped. Yeah. So I’m pretty sure the game is over this month. Again – I could use the 2×4.

I have to call the RE anyways to let them know it’s CD1 and get my clomid ordered, which I am concerned about because I’m willing to bet you money the insurance office is closed for the holidays and they won’t be able to approve my clomid again. That pisses me off, people. What luck, to have AF start just in time for Thanksgiving on one hand and Christmas on the other. And hey, I even get to still have my period on Christmas itself! Great! Just what I wanted under the tree!

I guess the pee sticks weren’t lying. Not sure if I’m happy about that or not. At least I still have the expectation of seeing that line pop up someday. (Because I’ll be honest – as much as I totally want to be pregnant, I don’t really want to find out through a phone call and have the pee sticks lying to me. I need to SEE it damnit or it won’t seem real. ‘Course if that’s what happened I would gladly take it… )

PS – I am feeling extremely crabby this morning. Not in tears, just very very crabby.

No red flow yet, but definitely heavier spotting. I don’t feel any of the normal AF symptoms, no heavy feeling, so it’s really weird. But I’m glad I waitied until Friday.

I layed in bed for an hour, lights off, trying to sleep. Nothing. No-thing. Cannot sleep. Grrrrrrr.

Checked again – spotting more. Although it’s more like lots of CM with some pink in it. I am waiting for AF to start. It’ll be a miracle if I wake up tomorrow morning to find it all gone away again… and I personally don’t believe in miracles, not for me at least.

Not sure about the dinner and band we’re going to see tomorrow. I was expecting to get AF earlier this week and be able to just deal with it. If I get AF tomorrow morning I really don’t think I’m going to feel like going out and partying with friends. Den will probably insist I go to dinner, at least to get my mind off of everything – but I don’t know how much I’ll feel like going out afterwards to a club to see a band play. I might just ask Den to take me home. Depends how horrible I feel at the dinner.

…. I have spotting. :( Perhaps getting a beta tomorrow will no longer be a problem.

Edit: My head is a roiling mass right now. I want to post a long, frustrated, angry, upset entry, but it’s so muddled right now it wouldn’t make any sense and I’d probably look back tomorrow and think, “WTF was I thinking??” But I’m just sitting here clicking the same forums again and again to check for updates and letting my head try to muddle through it. This roller-coaster ride SUCKS, it absolutely SUCKS. I am completely at the mercy of my body and whatever spirits are out there putting me through this and I hate the feeling of helplessness more than anything in the world.

More cramping. All the way across my uterus. Somewhat painful, too.

Again, this is totally outside my normal timeline of things – I never get cramps before I get my period, and besides that they’re the wrong kind of cramps than my usual. But clomid makes this whole cycle a big question mark.

Definitely calling the RE and demanding a beta tomorrow morning. But I don’t know how I’m going to make it until then. I feel utterly at loose ends not knowing. I’m mentally preparing myself for AF to arrive though.

Okay, I am going crazy today… utterly and totally crazy. I’ve been checking my cervix, which, up until this point, has been very high and firm and closed – but today it is softer and lower. It’s upsetting me, even though it’s kind of a stupid thing to get upset about. (Cervix position isn’t exactly reliable.) I still don’t feel like AF is near… though I am feeling pretty *yuck* about food. I go to bed starving, I wake up starving, I eat… and then uggghhh can’t eat, feels yuck. Arg!

So tomorrow morning, if there’s no AF, I’m calling the doctor for a blood test. I can’t tell you how many ways I’m hoping that me being as late as I am means a very good thing… but I’m still terrified that it’ll come back negative. If I’m not pregnant this is the WORST joke my body has EVER played on me. I will be very upset with it.

I’ve spoken to a few more people who said that clomid did NOT extend their LP at all. They think I’m pregnant and are telling me to go to the doctor, get a bloodtest! Okay okay, I will. Tomorrow.

My insides are a mass of knots right now. I’m really not very good at waiting. Kel, I really don’t know how you did it. It certainly seems a much more laid-back approach to just not start wondering until your period is a week late, but god, I can’t do that.

16dpo, no AF, another negative. Took my temp it’s “not high” – but of course without comparison temps it’s pretty useless. I probably shouldn’t have taken it, oh well.

Some quotes for my own use:

I hate it when sources disagree. *rolls eyes* Hasn’t anyone done a study on this yet?

This is a really good page of info on hCG levels – especially interesting is the table showing the different levels in singleton and twin pregnancy hCG levels. Will need this later!

And this is interesting: