I ordered pizza and reactivated my World of Warcraft account. That was Den’s suggestion, the gaming – he thinks I need something to occupy myself, and he’s not wrong.

I do feel okay today. The pets are all being extra clingy today, except Zeeke who is an assmunch like normal. I went and layed down on the futon in Den’s office for a while, and Zoe curled up against my stomach. I don’t know if she picks up on my moods or not, but she absolutely loves getting attention and I’ve been giving her a lot today. Whatever my mood she’s always my shadow, follows me everywhere. Whatever I’m doing, wherever I am in the house, I can always count on her to be at hand. Currently she’s laying on the floor behind my desk. The cats, too, are being affectionate – napping on my lap, following me around, taking over my desk to “help” me with typing. It really helped me, because the pets make me feel like a mama. I am their mama.

I do feel angry though. Angry that this keeps happening, angry that it feels like I will never see two pink lines on a pregnancy test. Maybe angry is to harsh… just frustrated.

I’m still really fighting to not blame myself for any of it. The thoughts creep in – maybe if I’d eaten better, maybe if I hadn’t used my laptop on my lap so much, maybe if I didn’t lift so much at work… but those just don’t affect implantation.

But I am blaming Den’s sperm for not being able to read a map and find their way to the egg. It’s Den’s and my little joke.