I’ve been a little out of the loop lately, and for that I beg forgiveness.

I just found out Sara found out her baby had no heartbeat…. miscarried at 8w4d. I just want to cry. Why does this happen to good people? Please go give her hugs, if you haven’t already.

I am, quite honestly, terrified about my appointment tomorrow. My morning sickness has been missing the past few days, and suddenly I’m just absolutely terrified. I really really hope they give me an U/S or check for heartbeat via doppler or something. I need to know everything’s still okay in there or I’m going to freak out.

I had a crappy dream last night. First half of the dream I end up in this hospital/delivery place and I’m having contrations sort of and they’re all set to deliver me, but the contractions stop. So they say they’ll induce me next week on my due date. And that’s when I realize I’m only 20 weeks along, not 40, and I’m trying to convince them that they can’t induce me.

The second half of the dream was much worse. I’m back at the same place, and they tell me the baby has no heartbeat. :( It was just… terrible. They’re trying to figure out how to get me pregnant again, and I was just totally upset.

I woke up with my hand protectively on my stomach, as if to make sure it was still there. I am so glad I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow – I sure hope she tries to hear the heartbeat with a doppler. I really really want to hear that heartbeat right now.

I keep wanting to make a post, but every time I open this browser up to write I either get distracted by something else or fall asleep. I don’t have a very good track record the last few days.

I wanted to talk about symptoms.

First, my morning sickness has all but disappeared. At first I thought it was the Unisom/B-6 that was doing it, but then last night I forgot to take my meds, and still no problems. Den even commented tonight that I don’t seem to be sick much anymore. Nope. Not really. Gaggy here and there, but mostly distracted by everything else. I haven’t even really noticed my stomach doing that painful “FEED ME NOW” thing when I forget to eat.

Which all would make me nervous, but I’m having new symptoms. Like a dull ache in my abdomen, and a sensitivity to using my abdominal muscles. I sometimes forget that I’m pregnant – it’s easy to do when you aren’t feeling much – and I turn too quickly or move in the wrong way and my abs throw on the brakes. No can do missy. Be nice to your abs. Once in a while I get a sharp twang in my stomach. Don’t know what it is, but it’s brief. It’s not really painful, just… strong, and out of nowhere. It always catches me off-guard.

Also, the foot cramps. Luckily I have not gotten many bad ones yet – just one or two – but just flexing my feet can and does cause a cramp to start. I’m a pro at immediately altering what I’m doing to flex my foot in a certain way to get it to go away… and so far that is working. But it’s pretty much a daily thing now. I can imagine it’s only going to get worse. (I’ve always had problems with random foot cramps… painful painful foot cramps. On the good side this means I know exactly how to deal with it. On the bad side it means I can probably expect more of them.)

My tummy is getting more and more obvious. At one car dealership I explained that we were expecting our first baby, thus the hunt for a midsize 4-door sedan, and she said, “Oh I thought so, but I didn’t want to say anything!” I’m really really pleased that it all seems to be my stomach… I’m not gaining anywhere else, so instead of looking chubby I’m looking obviously pregnant. I absolutely adore my baby belly. I find myself pausing in front of the mirror to turn sideways and pose and pat the belly. Den loves it too.

As for the boobs… I’m still waiting for the “OMG they grew!” morning, but I’m starting to doubt it’s coming. I think they are growing – very slowly. It’s like every morning I check, “Have they grown? No… no, not really.” But I put on my bra and it seems a little more filled out than it was a few weeks ago. My nipples are still a bit sensitive, sometimes I have an overall dull ache, but all in all I haven’t noticed much with the boobs.

Other than that, I’ve just been feverishly researching used cars and going out to look at some. I think I may have found my car – a 2001 Hyundai Sonata. I never really thought about looking at Hyundais, but it popped up in my price range and it looked nice enough. I took it for a test drive today and it just felt right. The other two cars I test-drove (A Chevy Cavalier and a Ford Taurus)… didn’t. Apparently I’m a foreign car girl. The Chevies and Fords just feel like something’s “off” about them – since my mom worked for a Chevy dealership for many many years and that’s basically all they’ve ever owned, I know from experience that it wasn’t just the Cavalier that left me feeling like that. My mom’s car feels the same way… very annoying. But for some reason the Sonata just “fit,” I could immediately picture it as my car, with my kiddo in the back. There was plenty of room for a car seat, lots of leg room in the back for someone of my height, and it had a nice big trunk. It was comfortable to drive, had all the amenities I wanted (power locks and windows, cupholder) and some I didn’t (sunroof, alarm system). It’s a little beat-up (paint chipping around the handles, some small stains on the upholstery, lots of miles on it), but that is certainly to be expected with the price range we were looking at. All in all I think I’d be very happy with this car. Tomorrow I’m going to try to arrange to have a mechanic check it out and then start the loan application!

There are a few things that really excite me about having my own car: I get the freedom to get up when I want, to go out when I want, without arranging schedules with Den first. I don’t have to make the twice-daily trip to drop Den off/pick him up, which saves us mileage. I can personalize the car a little bit more since it will be mostly driven by me, even if all I do is a special license plate (Spay/Neuter Mass Animal Coalition plate). Den is also very excited to get the SUV all to himself and not have to constantly put the back seats up and down, change radio stations, and rely on me to pick him up from work. This is going to be great for both of us, and I feel really happy that I’ll have a vehicle for when the baby is here.

Adding yet another monthly payment (or two – since insurance will be yet another) is a little daunting, but it’s not like we can’t do it. I may just have to cut back in other areas (I need to find a way to cut back on grocery expenses, HOW do only two people require that much every week??). With a baby coming, expenses are certainly worrisome! I have no idea what to expect when this baby comes. I’m making no plans for work, since I don’t know when I’ll feel up to it or even have the time… I’m going to take that as it comes. We are pretty much a one-income family as it is… my income is so small. It helps – certainly! But it’s only a tiny tiny fraction of our overall income. We’re lucky in that way… both in that he makes enough to be a one-income family, and that we’re already used to getting by with this, so it won’t be a huge shock.

But in the end? I’m pretty freakin’ giddy about getting a car. I really hope this Sonata works out. I’ll be sad if I can’t get it.

What have I been up to? Well, let’s see.

1) Being tired.

2) Being excited.

3) Car shopping.

4) Crying, because banks are stupid and want too much money.

5) More car shopping, and some actual test drives.

6) Feverish number crunching.

So yes, for my birthday Den said my “present” is that we’re getting me a car. Not “someday,” not “when the baby comes,” but now. I. Am. Thrilled. Well, mostly thrilled. I’m totally excited at the prospect of having my own car again. OMG am I. And having a car before the baby arrives is priceless.

However, as shown in my steps above… we ran into a major snag today. I researched loans and found out no local banks were willing to give a loan for a vehicle older than 6 years. Since we were hoping for something around a 1999 model, this is a major major problem. We cannot pull $4000 out of our asses – and if we were, I would already have had a car.

So today I went car shopping for 2002s and 2003s. I found a couple that were within our price range. A Chevy Cavalier that had some scratches on it – which didn’t concern me in the least – but alas the interior did NOT look at all like what I picture a newer car should look like! It had no power locks or power windows. The upholstery looked cheap, was ripped, and the seatbelt dug into my chest. It drove okay, but it was not the car for me.

I then test drove a 2002 Ford Taurus. I really liked that car. The reason it was so cheap was that it has 116k miles on it, which made Den yipe. But oh man… it had everything… power locks, power windows, remote keyless entry, alarm system, power seats for crying out loud (not something I need really! But cool!). The upholstery was beautiful. It had a CD player. And it was a big mid-size car, plenty enough room for baby and “stuff.” But alas, the Ford Taurus gets pretty crappy miles per gallon, compared to other midsize cars, and that makes me sad. It’s on my list, but we were really hoping for something that could do a lot better on gas.

Some friends pointed me towards credit unions, and I’ve found at least one who will give loans for older vehicles, which lets allows me a lot more leeway in what I look at! I like having options. Stupid banks only care if you’re going to finance a big sum of money. They offer small “personal loans” – at an interest rate of 12%. Grrrr. They can bite me.

So I guess for now I peruse the online listings and wait to see what shows up. All this car shopping is really making me wish we hadn’t gotten rid of the Mitsubishi Galant (the car Den leased before we bought our Mitsubishi Montero Sport that we have now). We love our SUV, and to be quite honest with a German Shepherd Dog an SUV was required. (The dog, umm, ate through a seatbelt or two in the car. He didn’t like being strapped in, and he also didn’t like staying in the backseat. And when you’re driving, having a 90lb dog climb on your lap… not so safe.) In any case, we loved that Galant. Only reason we traded it in was to get a larger vehicle. And we certainly won’t get rid of the SUV, we love it too. But now I want one of each. I’ll have to keep my eyes open for an older Galant up for sale.

So this is my life right now… obsessing about cars. I just want to make sure I get the right one… it’s going to be with me for the next 4 years or so.

I’ve never gone car shopping before, to be honest. My first car was an ’83 Plymouth Reliant that my dad “got” for me (for free – because who wants an ’83 Reliant?) It was boxy and ugly. But it was blue, it had 4 doors, and it was mine. I hated it at first… but I grew to love it over the 4 years I had it. The muffler may have fallen out, the windshield wipers never did work right, the upholstery was ripped up… but it was MY car, all mine, and I loved it.

Oh and of course there’s the worrying about how we’re going to handle two car payments when I’m not working…. but Den has Made The Decision that this is what we shall do, so apparently it will all just work out. And you know… somehow it always does.

First of all, we are considering your wise words and talking about looking for a cheap second car. I’m really really sad that I won’t be able to get a Prius – but even used ones are going for $15k, and the monthly payment on a loan of that size would be prohibitive with just one income. So we’ll have to settle for something non-hybrid (garrrrr)… I know the Toyota Civics get good mileage, is a decent size, and you can get them for pretty cheap too. We’ll see. Now that Den is talking about starting to play baseball again it is really making me want a second vehicle. (Since to play baseball he needs the truck to get there straight from work, and he doesn’t get back until late, leaving me COMPLETELY housebound all day.)

Anyways, we had two parties to go to today. I got a little bit of sun in the pool (on my shoulders, of course), while I floated lazily around and nearly napped on the inner tube. I was so tired around 1pm when we got there, I was just totally zoning out. Den kept asking me if I was alright, or was I just cranky? No, I said, I’m TIRED!

I ate FAR. TOO. MUCH. And it really doesn’t sound like too much when you think about it: a cheeseburger, some chips, some corn chips with dip, and then a cob of corn. Everyone else ate more. But I am pregnant, and the number two rule of pregnancy is THOU SHALT NOT OVEREAT. (The number one rule of pregnancy, if you are curious, is thous shalt eat frequently!!) We left from there to party #2, where I immediately seeked out the bathroom and threw a bunch up. Ugh. Lovely. And I still felt so uncomfortable… it was almost painful, the pressure.

Of course I AM pregnant, but when you have people you barley know coming up to you at only 9 weeks pregnant looking at my tummy and saying, “Oh my gosh, you’re pregnant?!?!” it’s pretty bad. We did get a lot of congrats though, at both parties. Everyone’s very excited for us. Got to hear some more interesting stories of babies and childbirth! lol! I can’t say I really dislike listening. I like stories. (I just don’t like preaching, which no one did today.)

And now, even though I ate far too much and got sick, I am still wanting to eat some cereal that I bought this morning. Grocery shopping is a dangerous game. I want to eat all of it. Now.

I crave crepes really bad. Have no milk or cottage cheese though, so I may have to run out tomorrow morning for some. I didn’t have the car today (Den was away all day), so I had to just sit here, suffering, with no milk. NO MILK!

Today I… slept. I’d feel bad about that, but I’m pregnant. I no longer feel like a really grouchy bear woken up mid-hibernation. I actually felt quite good today, after I got up. I put the dishes in the dishwasher and ran it, and did a load of laundry so I’ll have clean clothes for the week. These are big accomplishments for me.

I still don’t think I have the pregnancy fatigue very much, but then again I’ve always been the kind of person who needs 8 hours of sleep. And lately getting it has been very iffy… I tend to stay up to late, and Den rouses me every morning far too early. Since I need the car, I need to get up with him to drive him to work.

Some days (okay, a lot of days) I daydream about what it would be like to have two vehicles. It must be soooo cool. But then I crunch some numbers and realize that we do just fine with just one, lol. We could afford two right at this moment, with me working – but I won’t be working much when baby comes, and baby will require more expenses than we have now. I have NO idea how we’re going to manage to get ANYTHING done with one vehicle and a newborn – driving Den to work in the morning will be quite an ordeal, as I see it – but we’ll figure some way around it. I don’t see me needing the car very often, if I’m not working! I’ll be housebound, but I won’t really want to go anywhere with a newborn, anyways.

And now I am REALLY wanting some fresh-baked cookies. Gah.

We have a lot to do this weekend. I don’t get any time off, just my usual saturday and sunday, so I think by monday evening I’m going to be ready to pass out. I’m really glad I got today as a nothing-day.

Oh, and ps, my 9 week belly pic is in the belly pic page. I look a little, errrr, pale. I had just woken up and wanted to take a photo before I ate! lol I can see a change from last week… a little one, but I’m starting to show. Not sure WHAT I’m showing, blubber? But I’m showing something. LOL!

I may just have to keep a running list of annoying comments people say to pregnant women. Or just me, maybe I’m special. (But I doubt it.)

1. “You’re tired NOW? Wait ’til the baby comes! You won’t be getting any sleep then!” – Thanks, I’m well aware that sleep and babies are kind of mutually exclusive. But that doesn’t mean that the tiredness I feel now is not valid! Hello, I’m pregnant. Of course I’m a little tired. I have actually been getting this comment for years now, since I am very fond of my sleep. I like to sleep a lot. And I’d get these stupid little lectures about how everything will change when I have a baby and I won’t be able to do that anymore. What, like I didn’t realize that? Am I supposed to stop sleeping now, just because I won’t be able to some day? I’m just really missing the point of the whole comment, apparently.

2. “You aren’t going to find out the sex of the baby, right?” – Okay, first of all, that’s not even really a question. Or if they form it like a question, it’s one of those barbed questions. Yes, we are – and I don’t care if you’re my mother or someone I see twice a year, it’s MY decision. You do what you want when you’re pregnant, and I’ll do what I want. Why is that so difficult?

3. “Have you chosen names? You have? Oh you’ll change your mind.” If we haven’t changed our minds in the past one and a half years, I highly doubt we’re going to change it now. Not to mention that it took a whole lot of frustration and argument to come up with the very few choices we have now! But yet again, it’s back to not assuming something about me. (And this is different than someone who knows you well commenting based on their intimate knowledge of you. This is someone who barely knows you, saying they know what you’ll do because that’s what other people do.)

4. “Cloth diapers? You’re crazy. You’ll last two days and realize it’s not so fun.” What, so I’ll suddenly “realize” that disposable diapers are the One True Path? Just because you think I’m crazy because no one in YOUR experience has done it, doesn’t mean that’s the only way. I happen to know a LOT of friends who cloth diaper and are very happy with it. And I will be only too happy to show you, later – to be that person you know who actually did it.

Sigh. And I have a heavy, sinking feeling that this is only the beginning.

I have been dragging my ass since the moment I woke up this morning, even though I slept well and for a decent amount of time, and I have been grouchy to the umpteenth degree. Like grouchy… ready to bite off peoples’ heads. I’ve managed to keep it to myself for the most part, except with Den, when I finally snapped and yelled at him for choosing to disagree with me on something completely inconsequential when he KNEW I was cranky. I really feel like I need to stick a sign on me that says, “DO NOT TOUCH/SPEAK TO/LOOK AT THE CRANKY PREGNANT LADY.” I am just sooooo not in the mood for it. “It” being just about any form of communication.

9 weeks tomorrow! Yay! Something to look forward to! And a BBQ on Sunday to look forward to, as well. And then my birthday on monday (even though I have to work). How fun. Good weekend.

Okay, I really need some sleep.

I received some Thirsties diaper covers in the mail today! They are soooo cute! From photos online I was a little worried they’d be really plasticy – sometimes pics shows them as very shiny. And I wasn’t happy with that. But I get them and they’re so soft and lovely! AND they come in tons of colors – which most covers don’t. So now I’m on the hunt for more in XS and S in some other colors. Though it seems that on DiaperSwappers Thirsties go fast! I was lucky to get the ones I did, I guess.

I’m just so excited to try out my diapers on the ickle baby when he/she comes. I’ll have to remind myself of that when the time comes…. “Look, remember how excited you were for the diaper thing?” “Yes, but… I wasn’t thinking about the POOP!” Going to happily ignore that for now!

::

Den and I were talking a little bit more about labor and birth. Or rather, I was rambling about it, he was listening. I mentioned how I’ve gotten some mixed advice/reactions to giving birth in a hospital, seeing how I want a non-medicated, “natural-as-possible” birth. I guess it’s one of the things I’m letting him choose. There are so many things about the birth that *I* want, that I have specifications on, and he’s really insistent that we give birth in a hospital, in this particular hospital. And I’m okay with that, surprizingly. I can be a wee bit controlling (no, really?) so it’s a little weird that I’m so okay with it. But I guess that’s just how it is.

Den’s really starting to “get it,” I think – about what I want for a birth and what I’ll need to get there. He told me we’re just going to have to go over with the Midwife and OB what I’m looking for and suggested we ask their advice on how best to achieve that – ie, how to handle nurses and such. And he added, “I’ll be your advocate,” with a solemn nod. He’s so sweet. I’m not sure why I was worried before – maybe because the birth was so far off to him that he wasn’t showing me any reassurance – but now I can totally picture him being all protective and, “No, THIS is what she wants, this is what she gets.” That’s cool. Maybe we can pull this off.

I did admit to him that I’m not like 100% committed to going medication-free. Not that I don’t want to, but I recognize there may be mitigating circumstances that would change my mind. A friend of mine probably would have done a natural birth, had she not been in labor for three days – not active labor, but three days of no sleep. And her active labor was really drawn-out too. By that point she was so exhausted she could barely function. Getting the epidural allowed her to sleep for a few hours and prepare herself for pushing the baby out. I told Den, it’s a hard line. You need to go into it with as much dedication as possible in order to get yourself through it – yet at the same time you can’t be so inflexible that you’re totally disappointed if things don’t go the “right” way. I need to find a balance that will allow me to have the best experience for me. And part of that, unfortunately, is playing it by ear. (I haaaaate playing things by ear!)

::

My left ovary has been letting me know how unhappy it is the last two days. I guess it’s really shrinking back to normal, because I’m feeling a lot of pangs and twinges from that area. Feels a lot like right before retrieval, to be honest. And it’s only my left side. (It was significantly larger than my right at my ultrasounds, so that’s why.)

I was at Walmart today and while I was there I picked up some more Expecta (DHA suppliment) and decided to buy some Unisom and B-6 – the two things recommended by the nurse to take together to help with the nausea. She said the half-pill of unisom, taken with the B-6, doesn’t seem to make most pregnant women more fatigued than they already are. (Actually what she said was, “I know what you’re thinking – Unisom is a sleep aid, and the last thing I need right now is to be more tired!”) Even if it does make me tired, I wouldn’t object to that right now.

I think I am taking more pills now than I was when I was trying to get pregnant. :lol: (Just no injections – thank goodness!) I have: my celexa, the prenatal, the DHA suppliment, the B-6, and the Unisom. Lovely! And that DHA suppliment is a giant gel pill…. learned the hard way to take a BIG gulp of water to get it down, or else it gets stuck. Yuck yuck yuck.

::

In some sorta-unrelated news, Den has decided to take some night classes and finally finish his degree! He has a really solid, well-paying job right now, but, as he explained it, once he gets his Bachelors he can become an Officer in the military which could open a lot of doors for him. It would increase his pay slightly, which is of course nice, but I’m most excited that he could have some more career options. He’s had the same job for over 10 years, he’s pretty much at a dead-end right now with nowhere to go, if he transferred to something else he’d take a pay cut which we can’t afford. And he’s been getting increasingly more frustrated by it. I think mainly because he’s done the same thing for so long, he’s so bored and fed up with it. I’ve always felt bad that he can’t just go look for another job, again because we couldn’t afford the huge pay cut that would take. So for him to have some options is wonderful! The only downside is that he’d have to go away for several weeks for some required training, which would suck, but it’d be well worth it in the end. Obviously I would really love for that to happen before the baby comes.

We stopped by the college today so he could find out his current status as a student (inactive) and re-register and find out what he needs to do next. I guess he needs to put in some calls to advisers so he can find out what courses he needs to finish up his degree. He only needs 7 stinkin’ credits to graduate! Oy! He really is hoping to get enrolled for a Fall class, but I don’t know if everything’s going to be sorted out in time for that.

He also mentioned a big inspection that is coming up in February. I guess he doesn’t get paid overtime for any extra hours he puts in, but he gets “comp time” – which means for the hours he works overtime he gets extra hours in his time-off bank. Which, guess what, will be REALLY REALLY handy when the baby comes! I asked him if he can take paternity leave, and he can – but it would be unpaid. Can’t do that. So I guess he’ll just be saving as much leave time as he can so he can get a couple of weeks off with me and the baby. That would be so wonderful.

Oh I hope everything works out for him!

Hubby and I just watched a show on TLC called Crazy Sexy Cancer. It was really… interesting. Inspiring. When she cried I wanted to cry too. Her foray into strange and alternative therapies looking for her cure reminded me a lot of the things we infertiles do in a desperate attempt to fix what’s wrong with us, when traditional medicine has failed us or simply doesn’t know what to do. At one point she says something about how doing nothing feels so terrible… there’s this need to do something, anything.

I highly recommend watching, if you get a chance to see it.

::

The last couple of days have not been fabulous, at least in terms of feeling sick. And you know how it is… when your body feels off, it makes you really crabby about everything else, too. The mornings haven’t been great for me… an hour or two after I get up I’m feeling wretched and dashing to the sink/toilet/whatever’s close and heaving up my breakfast. Not so certain I’ll be eating much cereal anymore… didn’t work too well for settling my stomach. And unfortunately it’s continuing into the rest of the day off and on. I’ll be fine for hours at a stretch – or at least just slightly uncomfortable – and then there’ll be 15 minutes when I’m trying to puke and can’t stop gagging and heaving. Then I’ll be okay again for another while.

The way I was feeling before, I was feeling nauseated at times, but eating quickly calmed it and let me go on my happy way. However now food is making me feel a little green as well. Just running through the list of available meals makes my stomach turn a little. “Ooo,” Den said today, pulling something from the freezer, “we can split a panini!” Which, I may have mentioned, I previously was liking very much. Not today. No, I wanted nothing to do with that panini. Perogies, however, were okay. Whatever.

Den is being really sweet (when he’s not cracking jokes, at least – one of his favorite pasttimes!). Like tonight, with the panini – it’s a tiny little thing, hardly a snack for him, and yet he was trying to get me to eat half of it. Before that he forced half a cookie into me, lol. When I started cooking the perogies and asked him how many he wanted he insisted that he’d eat whatever I didn’t eat, that I should eat all that I could.

And he’s very sweet in other ways too. I feel so very lucky that my husband is a snuggler like I am. Because, I have to admit, there has been no hanky-panky going on in the bedroom or anywhere else in quite a while now. I think a lot of husbands would get cranky about that. But mine… he hugs me and kisses me and cuddles me and rubs my back and tummy. I feel so loved. I feel so happy.

Tired, too. I haven’t been sleeping very well lately, and that’s making me feel very exhausted (and whiny, and bitchy) in the mornings. The sleep thing is partially because I’m so tired when I get home from work that I’m napping, and partially because it doesn’t matter how tired I am all day, late evening I suddenly wake up and want to read and talk for hours. (Den doesn’t so much appreciate the chatter at 11pm.) I’m finally getting tired again now, at 12:30, though my stomach might keep me up a while longer.

Yes, the stomach pain. I sure am hoping this is not another one of those giant painful gas balls forming, but it’s very uncomfortable. My stomach feels bloated and tender. I took Maalox, so we’ll see how that goes. I’d really like to get some sleep now…

More links to save…. diaper bags this time.

The Skip Hop Dash looks like a possibility. More than I wanted to spend, but with lots of pockets.

Oh, I like the Five Piece Combo from Ryco. Looks very nice, lots of pockets, easy access, and even looks like it has a long shoulder strap.

I do love the Ju Ju Be All in terms of functionality and looks, but it is WAY beyond my price range. I guess some people are willing to spend that much on a freakin’ bag…. I am not one of them.

ETA: The Skip Hop Duo has also been recommended to me… and it doesn’t have the fold-over flap (which I hate). I especially LOVE the ice blue color. it’s $50, but that’s not *terrible*.