Due to the snowstorm yesterday I left early for the appointment – good thing, too, since people were slow driving, despite the roads being clear (ugh). The parking lot, however, wasn’t clear. It appeared several vehicles there had been there through the storm, and the little plows were just starting to scoot around clearing spaces. Which were mostly full. Of cars. So it was a snowy, slushy, car-filled pit, and still no one can park correctly. I don’t know what it was about that parking lot, I think everyone who parks there is a complete and utter MORON. I am going to hit another car there before this kid is out. But I did find an (unplowed) space and parked and got in on time.

I was called in shortly. Took my blood pressure (120/62), weight (yep I’ve gained a lot), urine sample. All fine. She weighed me twice to make sure the number was correct, heh.

I sat and waited briefly for the midwife to arrive. It was, yet again, another new midwife I haven’t seen before. This is getting a little frustrating for me, as I have to re-explain my situation to everyone… the IVF, the depression and anti-depressants. She had barely glanced at my chart before walking in.

She did say, however, that I’m anemic. I pointed out that the midwife last appointment said I was “slightly anemic” and that it was normal for pregnancy. This midwife frowned and said it was normal for later pregnancy, but that I was already anemic when I started out. Which is news to me – no one mentioned that my iron was low early on, the last appointment was the first I’d heard of it. So this midwife suggested iron suppliments and faxed in a prescription for me… I figure it’s no big deal, just another pill. But I am a little concerned that two different midwives see the same lab report and have different reactions.

I still have absolutely no answer on the anti-depressants, btw. When I explained it all she said she “doesn’t see why” it would be fine for pregnancy and bad for breastfeeding. I know there are issues, however. She suggested choosing a pediatrician and getting their take on it. I’m just frustrated that no one can give me some clear answers. It appears the midwives never did any research on it. :( Three visits, three midwives, three “personal opinions” – not enough for me. And now I have to go see a pediatrician about it?? This American system is driving me nuts. (One general doc who normally prescribes the anti-depressants; an ob/midwife who handles me during pregnancy, since the general doc won’t; and now a doctor for the baby, who presumably will handle the issue while I’m breastfeeding!) A friend suggested I consult an LC about breastfeeding and medications, which is a great idea. I’ll have to contact some in this area anyways.

Up on the table to feel my uterus and measure it (first time!). 22cm. She said the cms usually correlate to the number of weeks you are, but for some reason they had me down as 23 weeks instead of (nearly) 24. Oh well. I didn’t bother correcting them, they have my correct due date. She listened for baby’s heartbeat… she didn’t tell me what the rate was, but it was clear and strong. And then he started kicking the doppler. lol

As we were finishing up she asked where I worked. Oh boy. I dread that question, I really do. “Cat sanctuary” just opens up a whole lot of questions. It worked out well though – she was very interested and impressed and was telling everyone in the office what a cool job I had, and one of the other ladies working there asked for the sanctuary’s contact numbers as she’s looking to adopt a cat. But I was having a hard time focussing and giving clear, correct answers… my brain just doesn’t function before 9am. There are times when you really wish you had a boring job, lol.

I guess I’m just feeling let down by the lack of personal connection. My previous midwife knew me. Even when I only came in once a year, she knew me, she knew I was doing IVF, she knew I worked with cats. I really really liked her. If she did deliveries I would be with her in a heartbeat, but it absolutely kills me that I’d see her only for all the visits, then get stuck with someone else for the birth. :( Even my situation now is only slightly better, as I have no idea which of the many midwives will be on-call at the time… but at least they’re all midwives from the same practice. I just want to have one person who I can get to know and connect with, who will be the person there at the birth. Someone I know in trust. And sadly that is becoming very difficult to find. :( Almost all practices function on a rotating basis, and there’s bound to be someone among them that you don’t like or connect with.

I know I’m very short on sleep (another bad night), irritable, and hormonal this morning, but I’m quite upset with the switch in practices right now. I feel like I sacrificed something and I have no idea if it’ll be worth it in the end.

Last night I’m laying in bed, belly sticking up, uncovered, as I type and Devin starts to kick. And he kept on moving. I could SEE it. He was pushing and stretching and kicking and my belly was rolling and rippling. Freaky and so cool at the same time!! There really is a little person in there!

Of course as soon as I called out to get Den’s attention (he was in the other room) Devin stopped.

But he was active all night. I was trying to fall asleep and I had to switch to my right side, because when I was laying on my left he was kicking on my left and it was ticklish in an uncomfortable kind of way! I much prefer him on my right (which he usually is!).

::

We had a major storm come through yesterday… we have at least a foot of snow out there. Thankfully it stopped last night, Den shovelled the driveway, and the plows have been through, so it shouldn’t be too bad out there. Good thing, since I have an appointment this morning! I hope the traffic doesn’t totally suck. It’s funny because I’m not even from the north-east, we didn’t get a whole lot of snow near Vancouver, and yet I’m the one who is fine with driving in the stuff and everyone else seems to freak out!

Will report when I return. I expect another uneventful appointment – oh and it’s with yet another of the midwives. Fingers crossed they’re all as nice as the other two.

At this point I have no idea what’s going on with my body. I definitely feel better today – no puking – but I’m certainly not up to par. Just lots of nausea throughout the day. I really had to force myself to eat because any time I’d try to think of something to eat, just picturing eating it made me green. I took my unisom last night, so I don’t know what’s going on… either something else is at work and it’s a total coincidence, or I managed to really push my body out of whack yesterday. Which isn’t out of the realm of possibility… I get sick, I puke up everything and can’t keep anything down, an empty stomach makes me feel more nauseated, and so on and so forth. That’s why today’s goal was simply to get food in me, something that I have managed to do successfully so far.

Plus it’s not really helping that Devin is SUPER active in there today, stirring up lots of gas and not really helping things settle down at all! Maybe he’s just excited that there’s more room in there today, lol.

::

Yesterday not only was I puking and miserable because of it, but my legs were aching. I know it’s because they’re not getting much bloodflow as they used to… they’ve been falling asleep really easily (things as simple as sitting cross-legged can cause some numbness) and even just laying in bed was causing mild aches. It wasn’t normally painful, but it’s consistently irritating, like I just want to jiggle and shake them to get the blood flowing. By evening, however, it was painful and Den massaged my legs a little bit. It helped, but he can’t massage my legs all day.

So I did something I haven’t done in a year: I took a bath. A HOT bath. I only drew enough water to cover my legs, so my belly and chest were completely out of the water…. all I wanted to do is soak my damn legs and get them warmed up and relaxed. This is not exactly an easy thing because our water heater has some major issues with the faucet in the bathtub… it can’t keep up. so I had to fill it with the shower head attachment. Which took a long time. I heated up a huge pot of water on the stove to add, since far too often by the time I crawl into the bathtub it’s already lukewarm and totally defeats the purpose of having a bath! (You can see why I don’t do this very often… it’s a pain in the ass.)

All I can say is that bath was the most blissful thing EVER. And I don’t even LIKE baths, I find them boring and uncomfortable. But yesterday, soaking those poor legs… I just sat there, slouched with my boobs hanging on my belly, raggedy hair flopped around my face, mouth slack like some kind of druggie as I just let the warm water soothe my legs. Den walked in and started laughing at me. He said my belly looked totally cute… but that my hair looked aweful. LOL But he was great… he’d come in every few minutes and pour in more of the steaming water.

I tell you man, suddenly the whole idea of a waterbirth made sense to me. Unfortunately my hospital does not do actual waterbirths, but they have one hydrotherapy tub for laboring in. I want that tub. After my bath I wanted to drive down to the hospital and write my name on that tub so no one will take it from me. Den says he has lots of connections at the hospital, so I told him he needs to pull strings to make sure when I go into labor that tub is ready and waiting for me. I highly highly encourage every other woman due around the same time as me who will be birthing at this hospital to get epidurals. You hear me? Epidurals are good! Get one! (If you get an epidural, you can’t use the tub. Hah!)

So anyways, now that I’ve established that… ;) I’ve been trying to take better care of my legs since the bath, as I really don’t want to have to keep dealing with this… if I can prevent it, all the better. Thus the sleeping with pillows under my knees. And also, when sitting in bed I have a pillow under my knees. I didn’t do it before because I figured that raising my legs would not be a good thing… but apparently giving them a more natural bend really is helping. They are far more comfortable.

Yet again it all comes down to listening to my body better and adapting to its changing needs.

Just a note to say that I feel a ton better this morning. I have yet to eat anything, but I’m going to go do that shortly… but I don’t anticipate any issues with it. Last night I was able to eat some ice cream and feel fine (actually the ice cream felt REALLY good on my throat!).

During the night I used pillows to prop between my knees and against my back. I simply had one at my front and one at my back, so when I rolled over I still had a pillow there. If I layed on my side I put the pillow between my knees, but sometimes I slept in my “normal” pose, hugging the pillow to my chest with one knee up on it, the other leg stretched out. Both were comfortable with the pillow, and neither one made my hips ache (a problem I’ve had the last few nights). I got the first *restful* sleep I have had in a week. Thank goodness for that. I was getting very cranky without a good night’s sleep.

The cat is apparently very needy today because he’s walking all over my keyboard and stepping on my belly and will NOT leave me alone (and this is Jo, not Merlin!). So I guess that’s my cue to get up. Cats!

We’re supposed to be getting quite the snowstorm this afternoon, so I need to get moving to work early so I can get home before it gets bad.

Well it’s 5pm, 12 hours after I first got sick, and I am STILL miserable. Not only am I nauseated as all hell, but my belly HURTS after all the puking I’ve done (4 times and counting). I can’t keep anything down except some liquids. Even a couple of crackers came back up.

I’ve been trying to work (in bed, on my laptop), but I think I’m just going to curl up and attempt to sleep….

“So I did an experiment.”
“What’s that?”
“I didn’t take my unisom last night.”
“And how’s that working?”
“I think I’m going to puke.”
“Go take your unisom.”
“Going now.”

Of course, I didn’t actually make it to the table where my meds are before heaving up a whole bunch of stomach acid into the toilet. Golly gee, my favorite kind of pukings! (It’s really quite sad when you actually have different degrees of pukings.) Nasty shit.

Morning sickness: lots
Me: still 0

Nearly 24 weeks and still puking. Well I am one of the lucky ones, aren’t I.

Den felt Devin kick tonight! For sure kicks, not little “I think I felt something…” like last time. Devin is always very active in the evenings when I lay/sit down… when I get quiet, he gets active! So tonight when we got into bed Den put his hand on my belly and waited. And sure enough, 2 minutes later, there was a *thump* on his hand. Den’s head jerked up and he stared at me for confirmation, and I just nodded a “Yep, that was him alright!” He is supremely pleased about this. :D Of course he couldn’t stay awake for more than 2 good kicks and is snoring now, but I know he’s really thrilled that he finally got to feel it. I think he’s been quite jealous that only I got to feel it up to this point!

I’m getting quite curious as to what position Devin is in. I really don’t think he stays in one position for long, even still though. I know I read a baby update from some site for week 24 (a friend posted it) and it said the baby is getting a little cramped and isn’t able to do somersaults very much anymore. I said, “Ha!” No one apparently told Devin that little tidbit. I KNOW he moves around a lot. One hour he’ll be kicking a ton in the upper right of my belly. The next he’ll be way down low. So light only knows what he’s doing in there!

And why is it that when Devin kicks I get hungry?

::

The past two nights have been… shitty. Even during the day I am not sleeping very well. I get little aches in my hips, which is so minor and yet irritating… but mostly I just am restless and keep waking up for no reason. Then I have to pee. Then I get cold. I am getting frustrated! I just want some good sleep damnit.

This morning at 7:30am (which is before I like to get up, since I’m a night owl – as you’ll see by the timestamps on almost all of my posts) one of the dogs puked all over their dog bed in their crate. So there was me, in my jammies, tired and really freakin’ cold, scrubbing up nasty dog puke. So to all those people who say I have no idea what it’s going to be like changing diapers and cleaning up puke all the time, I say BITE ME. Given the choice between changing a diaper inside my warm house or bundling up and marching out into the pouring rain and ice to take my dog to poop…. I’ll choose the diaper, thanks. (No, we do not have a fenced yard or any way to just “let the dogs out” – if they have to go, it means we go with them, and then bitch at them for the next 10 minutes while they apparently enjoy the rain and snow and fool around before pooping.)

::

Now I don’t know if he’s kicking my cervix or if this is just pelvic pain from things getting wider… but every few seconds I’m practically jumping. *pain* OUCH! Then it goes away. *pain* OUCH! Arrggg.

::

One change in my body that I have been noticing especially in the last few weeks: my limbs keep falling asleep. Something as simple as sitting cross-legged (which I do ALL the time, always have) causes my feet to fall asleep. Tucking one foot under my other leg tends to cause that leg to go numb. Even just laying in bed sometimes I have to flex and kick my legs a little bit to get the blood moving. I can definitely tell that circulation is not what it used to be.

Getting lots of little leg cramps, too. I have to be very careful. This has been going on for a couple of months so I’m used to it, but I learned very quickly to NEVER EVER point my toes when I stretch. Or ever, really. It’s just a bad thing. Thankfully flexing my feet manages to discourage most cramps soon as I feel them starting, but I get them in my calfs mostly, sometimes my feet. Leg cramps are something I’ve dealt with for years – certainly not an uncommon occurrence to have to launch out of bed middle of the night and press my foot against a wall to flex the muscle. So I’m not exactly surprized that I’m dealing with this. I’m just glad it’s minor still…. those big ones hurt like a mother-something and I’m happy to avoid them.

It’s amazing how my body redirects my bloodflow to my midsection now that I’m housing a little creature. There are so many big blue veins that are visible from beneath my very pale skin, all along the sides of my belly and in my boobs too. I don’t really find them unsightly… just weird.

No new stretch marks so far, though my belly sure is looking stretched around the belly button! I know it has a long ways to go though. My hips have big silver stretch marks on them… but… that was from my previous weight gain, not pregnancy. Just the fact that they’re there tells me I’ll probably end up with more before the baby’s here, though.

I wonder how different my body will look afterwards.

::

I was just looking at those recent photos I posted of me, and I started thinking about how Devin will look at them one day and see his mom. Will he think I looked crazy young? Will he laugh and say, “Mom, I can’t believe you looked like THAT once upon a time! You look so different!”

It’s quite a mind-trip, isn’t it. I can’t believe I’m going to be someone’s mom.

There has been some radio silence because apparently I am getting hormonal. And not hormonal as in being sad a lot. I mean hormonal as in fine and chatty one second and yelling and crying at my husband (over something he said that I percieved as totally insensitive of my current state of pregnancy). I mean we were in the car talking and this argument broke out and I was screaming at him and crying. When we got home I slammed the doors into the house, crawled into bed, and BAWLED for ten minutes straight. He came in to apologise to me. And then like that, I was fine and I felt utterly stupid. WTF was that? Den says he needs to realize I’m hormonal and watch what he says, lol! I was apologising all night for going off the deep end!

Other changes are happening too.

Like my belly. It has been growing and stretching. And my belly button, oh my poor belly button! It is getting stretched and flattened like nothing I could ever imagine, and it is hilarious! I want to go around showing everyone my belly button and saying, “Look! Look how crazy this is!” But showing your belly button (on purpose) after age 5 is apparently inappropriate. Especially when it’s smooshed like a freaking pancake. The good news about the belly button is that it is actually LESS sensitive now than it used to be! I noticed this weeks ago when it started getting pushed on, and I just kept waiting for the other shoe to fall… and it didn’t. It’s still not sensitive at all.

So as well all know I like to lay semi-reclined in bed, propped up with pillows, my laptop on my lap. I spend many an evening sitting/laying here typing. This is also the time that Devin is most active kicking away at me – he likes it when I am sitting and still. Well yesterday I’m laying here typing and I see my belly MOVE at the same time that I feel a big kick. I stared at it for quite a while after that, but it wasn’t repeated. I know I hadn’t imagined it though. Tonight Devin is active as usual, and again I see my belly move – but this time as I watch it it moves again… and again! He kept poking me in the same spot, causing my belly to flinch upwards. Wow!

I’d write more but it’s midnight and I really really need to sleep. I have only one week left to get everything done before we leave for our trip and I have SO much to do! I will leave you with some photos that Den snapped of me before we went out yesterday. :)

My two books arrived! I’ve only barely started reading them, but they seem to be good reads. Positive, and that’s what I need you know? I get a little nervous about books that are very pro-home-birth because I am going to be having a hospital birth and I need positive energy. I don’t need books to be telling me that it’s not going to work. I’m all about the positive reinforcement here.

Yes, a home birth sounds like a wonderful thing as described in books. I would love to give birth at home, either in a pool or in my own bed. I would love to be able to crawl into my OWN bed afterwards, with my husband and newborn baby. To have just my midwife and attendants here to take care of me. To be in familiar surroundings and be able to control the environment. Yes, I think that sounds very nice.

But to be perfectly honest, there is ONE major reason that I fully agreed with Den when he said he didn’t want me to have a home birth (and it’s not the same reason as Den’s): the dogs. And cats, for that matter. From everything I’ve read, everything I know – about me, about the birth process – I know I want calm and peace. I simply fail to see how it would be possible to provide any sense of calm or peace with a large German Shepherd barking crazily (as he would be doing, with strangers in the house, unless he were bound, gagged and drugged in the basement). I do believe that would shoot to hell the whole plan right there. I do not want Zeeke to be the first sound Devin hears… he’ll hear it soon enough. (And finding someone to take the dogs when I’m in labor is far more complicated than anything else. Strangely, Den’s family does not like dogs, especially ones who bark maniacally and show great glee in destroying paperwork and cardboard.)

But that being said, I remain very optimistic about my hospital. They only thing that will not be an option for me is a water birth. The more I read and think about it, the more likely it is that I will request that the lights be turned down low and that people bother me as little as possible. I’m sure Den will step up for me and let my wishes be known if something needs to be said and I am busy. Thinking about how I deal with pain, I tend to withdraw into myself, curl up, and zone out. I like having Den near me, but I usually just want his presence, but don’t need much more than that.

My goal from now on is to learn as much as possible about relaxation techniques, positions, the labor stages, etc… so that when I get there we have a bag full of tricks to try. Yes we are doing the Bradley classes – I’d do more than one class if we could afford it but, umm, we can’t. So we’ll do the Bradley class and I’ll spend my time reading and mentally preparing. I want to remain flexible, not locked into some sort of plan. Thus the reading books.

I feel like I’ve come so far already. One of the reasons I was originally so reticent about starting the TTC process in the first place (back when I thought I’d actually get pregnant right away) was because for my teenaged and adult life I was fairly terrified of this whole idea of pushing a baby out of my vagina. The idea of getting an epidural did not help. I am a self-admitted sissypants, and I just had no idea how I would possibly survive such an ordeal.

I am not really sure where things changed, but I’m sure if I read back in the beginning of this journal I might gain some insight into that. I know that being exposed to other methods of birth were an eye-opener to me. Reading about women who enjoyed their birthing experiences, or at least survived the pain and felt proud of themselves for it… it really made me re-think my expectations and consider other possibilities.

Believe it or not, infertility also affected my outlook. Having my laparoscopy done was a huge deal. I have always been terrified of surgery – any kind of surgery, any kind of hospital-based issue including birth. I had never been IN the hospital before. But by that point I was so frustrated with infertility, so desperate for answers, that it really didn’t matter. I wanted that damn surgery done, and by the time the day came I had no fear, just determination. And I got through it… it wasn’t even all that bad (except the stupid IV). Later came IVF. Yet another thing I could never ever have seen myself doing. The idea of jabbing myself with needles? Needing surgery to retrieve eggs? Being in discomfort and pain as my body was manipulated by the drugs? Two years ago I would have gotten faint at the idea. But again, I was determined, I faced it head on as it was just something that needed to be done. By the point IVF became an option I was pushing for it instead of shying away from it.

The whole journey has showed me several times that I can accomplish the unthinkable if I put my mind to it. If it’s something that needs to get done, then I do it.. and it probably won’t be half as bad as you think it will be. Infertility has taught me so much about myself. In a way, now when I look back, I am thankful for the experience. (Of course you can only really say that once you’re safely pregnant and “on the other side.” ) But yes. I feel like I grew and matured ten times over going through what we went through. Would I have truly appreciated this pregnancy if it had happened our first month trying, or would I have spent it freaking out and feeling ill-prepared? I’ll never know, but I know it wouldn’t be the same. Infertility was a part of our journey, and I wouldn’t be where I am today without it. I have gained much strength and self-confidence, and for that, yes, I am thankful.

My goal for labor is no longer about getting over my fear and just getting thorugh it; it’s on being comfortable, being confident, and giving myself and Devin the best experience possible.

Well I think the pregnancy hormones are starting to hit me in a little way, because so far today I’ve found myself either in or near tears three times. It’s only 10:30am.

The first one I actually cried, and it was for an idiotic reason: I couldn’t find the remote control for my camera. I take my weekly photos with a tripod and a remote with a timer. I always put the little remote (it’s about an inch and a half long, inch wide) on our table right in the same place. In fact I remember doing that just the other day, because I found it on my desk. Well today it was gone. I tore the room apart… took everything off the table, off my desk, looked underneath both… it was NOT THERE. I got extremely upset and started crying. Den tried comforting me, telling me that he can just take the photos today and we’ll find it later, but there’s no way I could take photos while in tears. (I finally found the damn thing, if you’re wondering – it was under the couch on the other side of the room. Can anyone say, “Effing cats”? I sure can.) But yeah. Small issue, large meltdown.

The other two instances are much more justified.

One girl – whom I didn’t really know that well – in a pregnancy group of mine found out at her big ultrasound that her baby has a huge brain problem. Like so large they don’t even know if she’d survive once born, and will definitely have very severe issues if she did. The last week has been just terrible for her… finding out that the scan didn’t look normal, getting more scans and opinions, and having to make decisions about what to do. The whole community is just devastated for her, and every time I think about it I tear up. I just can’t imagine that kind of pain. I wish I could do more. I feel like anything I say doesn’t say enough at all, that the words are just not conveying how very heartbroken I am. Even though I didn’t know her well at all… it doesn’t matter. I cry for her.

And then the mailman came to our door and Den brought in two packages addressed to me! One was a gift from Kel, which she had told me would be coming. Exciting, yes! The other package had me totally stumped though. (And I’m so bad with my shopping every time I get a package I don’t remember ordering I start wondering what on earth I bought!) Well it was a gift for Devin… from a girl on one of my message boards. Totally, totally unexpected. It’s a wall hanging, one of the Sweet Vanilla pieces that we want to get for Devin… it’s SO precious. It’s the first thing we’ve gotten for his room. I was just so touched that she bought him a gift I teared up. I am so appreciative… so thankful for all these wonderful women I have met online. I don’t know where I’d be without all of them.