Old craving revisited: pears. Fresh pears, cut into slices. I sit here and munch munch munch and before I know it the entire darn pear is gone. I like how juicy they are, the texture, they’re sweet but not too sweet… yum.

::

You know those kinds of days when you just feel good? Yeah, that’s been today. Or at least the second half of today. (Or is it yesterday? It’s after 2am now… ) Den and I spent the evening together… not doing anything in particular, I was just chatting his ear off and watching him play an old game, but we were talking and laughing and just having fun. I love days like that. We get along so well. And I’m sometimes I’m amazed at how the bond keeps deepening each year.

On Thanksgiving day after stopping home to let the dogs out we headed to Den’s dad’s house. As we were driving down the road Den said, “You know what I want right now? Ice cream.” I laughed and said he was freaking crazy (it was freezing that evening). Conversation continued as usual all the way to FIL’s place.

We ended up staying at FIL’s for over 5 hours, the brothers all arguing over sports and everyone talking about babies, and all that stuff animated families do for 5 hours. We ate more food (too much food!) and had fun hanging out. We were tired and I was slightly cranky when we finally left. I had already fallen asleep on the couch twice.

15 minutes later we were pulling up to an intersection and Den says, “You know what’s on my mind right now…” And I replied without a pause, “Ice cream.”

Den stared at me in shock. “Holy shit. How did you know that?”

I just shrugged and smiled. It’s one of those things. After nearly 6 years together sometimes it’s scary how in sync our brains can be.

::

It’s most definitely the small things that matter in a relationship. Was I really happy to get a brand new camera for christmas last year? You better believe it. But I was just as touched – perhaps moreso, emotionally – by coming home late at night on Wednesday, after Den had already fallen asleep, to find my pretty little tree lit up for me. Normally if he’s asleep all the lights are off, but he left my tree lit up for me, because he knows how much I like it. (In the same room he was sleeping, too.)

I have given Den many gifts over the years for christmas and birthdays. He’s not an overly sentimental man, and he’s certainly not a scrapbooker or hoarder of things like I am.

Today I found the dogs chewing on a small gift I had given him 4 years ago on christmas as a joke: it was a very small black address book. I had written “Den’s Little Black Book” on the cover, and then gone through and wrote my name and phone number on every page (about 40 of them!). It was just a silly little whim I’d gotten in the store, something funny that would make him laugh.

Well he kept that darn thing for 4 years. And he was really upset that the dogs chewed the corner. I said it’s just a silly little thing, it’s not a big deal. He told me no, it was, that it was the best gift he’d ever gotten and he wanted to keep it forever.

Okay, tell me you wouldn’t tear up at that too.

(It is still being kept, btw, chewed corner and all. But as Den said, “Now unfortunately it’ll remind me of the dogs, too.” )

::

Being married can be so frustrating… but so very wonderful too.

I mentioned something on one of my forums yesterday and I didn’t really realize how true it was until I had thought about it later. What I said was: I’m never alone anymore. And while it’s obviously true in the physical sense, it goes so beyond that emotionally. At night when I wake up… in the car driving somewhere… sitting at my desk working… I can be totally isolated with no one else around, yet the tapping on my insides reminds me that I am not. Devin is here with me.

I don’t know when it transitioned into thinking about him as a true person – somewhere along the lines between 4 and 22 weeks – but I know the ultrasound really helped make it all the more real and tangible.

I talk to him sometimes. Or I place my hand on my belly and hold an “internal” conversation with him. He is a part of me, and yet he isn’t me.

Despite always looking forward to being pregnant, I always thought the whole thing would feel a little weird once I was there. I never thought I would feel this kind of love and appreciation and enjoyment. I joke about there being an alien in my belly, but I certainly don’t feel that way. It doesn’t feel “weird” in the slightest… instead I feel finally whole. This life inside me fits so perfectly, so beautifully, it’s strange to think that it’s not usually there, that I spend most of my life without a little creature growing inside me. I feel like I was made to do this, to be pregnant, to be the mother. Like I’ve been waiting all my life for this moment.

If I wasn’t so terrified of raising more than two children I could see myself as one of those women who are perpetually pregnant. I actually find myself thinking about my decision to have only two children. I know I cannot really make any true decisions until I’ve actually done the mommy thing for a while and have some kind of idea of what to expect – and some sort of guage as to how much I think I can handle. Right now the idea of mothering a child is still such an unknown. But yet… I am awknowledging the possibity of a third. Especially when I think of the odds of having another boy. Do I really want to just stop, regardless? Am I okay with closing the door on ever having a girl? I’m not so certain I am. I’m really not certain at all that I could walk away from that.

Of course things are far more complicated than me simply deciding how many children I would like to have. The logistics are extremely complicated. The main obstacle is, obviously, infertility. What I WANT may very well not be what I GET. And beyond that, we have a SMALL house – small two-bedroom, one-bath. We do not plan on moving. We do plan on adding on… but it’s going to be interesting affording an addition to house two children, much less three. The cost of raising the children… the cost of college… it just continues to get far more complicated!

But right now… right now I am pregnant, with our first, with our little IVF miracle. And every day and night that I am pregnant I think about how beautiful it is, how perfect, how very blessed. Devin holds a huge piece of my heart and for right now I get to carry him around with me everywhere I go.

So it didn’t occur to me until sometime last week when I realized I had never ACTUALLY signed up for those birth (Bradley) classes. I had talked to the instructor by email and found out the cost and that she had room… then my mind had a white-out and I didn’t do anything more. Umm, panic! I emailed the instructor to find out if there was still space and if I could register ASAP. I just heard back and it all sounds fine. Whew. Exhale.

So it sounds like our classes will be starting on January 9th, Wednesday evenings. (Unfortunate that some friends of mine just decided on Wednesday evening as our movie night… we’ll have to change it again!) I’m feeling very excited, very positive about it. I really can’t believe it is coming up so soon.

Den was ordering some books today so I added on two books to his order: Gentle Birth Choices and The Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth. They both come highly recommended. I figure I’ll start with the birth books, especially since our birth class is started in January, and later I’ll get the vaccine and breastfeeding books that I want.

It’s kind of funny… work has been weighing me down lately, and thinking about baby stuff really relaxes me. Even if it’s just signing up for birthing class and ordering baby-related books. It’s a way for me to re-connect with what’s really important in life.

Although I must say, having my pretty little tree lit up and two cats sleeping on the bed with us doesn’t hurt either. :) Good kitties. (As long as they stay away from my tree!)

Before I forget – things that taste really good lately: Fritos (mmmmm salty and so good!) and cookies. Oh so nutritious! I’m trying to limit my consumption. Sort of.

This year we are not putting up a Christmas tree. This makes me sad. I LOVE christmas trees. As in, sometimes when I was a kid I would get up in the middle of the night, plug in the tree, and sit and just stare at it for a while. To me there are no religious connotations to it, like many other Christmas symbols (which is all well and good… if you’re Christian! But seeing a holy cross or baby jesus in a manger does nothing for this athiest). I love the lights of the tree. I love the mood.

So anyways, we are not putting up the tree this year. Partly because we are leaving in 2 weeks and won’t be here to appreciate it… and partially because our cats have a BALL climbing the tree and knocking the (plastic) ornaments all over the house. The thought of us leaving them alone with the tree for a week makes me really fear what I’d come home to. And I don’t really like the idea of putting it up for two weeks and taking it back down. So no tree. This makes me sad.

So I went out and bought a mini tree for the bedroom! (The bedroom is one of the rooms we can lock the cats out of, if you’re wondering.) It’s a green, 4′, prelit tree in a pot. I don’t care much for the pot, but who cares. It’s a tree! A pretty tree!

Of course nothing in life is easy. I got it home and half the lights worked. So I tested every single of the bad half’s bulbs – and they all worked. By themselves. But on the tree? Nope. I got very irritating when I grabbed one of the bulbs and *pop* the lights turned on. Arrgggg, half an hour spent fixing that.

I had this idea, that after we paint this room I want to put up a string of mini white lights around the ceiling. In my old bedroom, at my parents’ house, I put up a string of lights one christmas, all the way around the ceiling. It had a switch even, to make it twinkle in different patterns. And those lights never ended up coming down. (I’m actually wondering if they’re still there. I’ll be so giddy if they are!) I loved it! All year round at night I could turn on my lights and sit there under twinkles. So I’m thinking that might be a really cool thing to do in the bedroom(s?), especially considering we have no overhead light at all.

Den is giving me a weird kind of “You’re so crazy, you surprize even me sometimes” look. But what does he know? He totally doesn’t appreciate the lights. Or the tree.

I tried on my pre-pregnancy jeans today. I have to say, they fit me most fabulously in the butt!! Damn! Of course there is simply NO way I could do up the jeans, not even a little bit… but the zipper part is the only part affected. I’m a little irritated with my maternity jeans, to be honest… they fit me great when I bought them. Then I LOST weight/size, and now they’re hanging off my ass. Especially when I wear the band below my belly like it’s intended to do. Then they’re really hanging down. So. I may have to see if I can find another pair to wear until my butt fills these back out. I mean, these work fine so I don’t want to be spending too much money, but they’re my only pair of pants that I have, other than sweatpants, and it’s a little irritating. I don’t think 2 pairs of maternity pants is too much to ask for.

Oh, PS – the sweats in my belly pics? Those are all pre-pregnancy sweatpants. Well actually the one I wear most often is one I bought when I first got pregnant… it’s a size larger than my normal, and it’s stretchy and fits just fine. I doubt I’ll be able to wear it afterwards though, I’ll have stretched out the elastic. Oh well. Small sacrifice for comfort.

One of my journal buddies on a forum is preparing for her home birth sometime this month. It’s very exciting! And then I realized that I’m halfway through my second trimester. Shit… isn’t there stuff I’m supposed to be doing? I’m just sitting here la la la-ing counting away the weeks. Friends are painting nurseries, ordering cribs, booking birth classes. Wait, what? At the beginning of this pregnancy I was totally way ahead of everyone. I had my wish list almost all set already, we had names picked out, I was this font of knowledge of birthing “stuff” simply because I got bored of reading infertility books all the time. So how did I get so behind here?

Well first of all, we can’t do jack shit on the nursery until the basement gets finished and Den moves his office out of there. Which is, unfortunately, nothing that I can help with. The men folk need to do all the framing and hanging sheet-rock, none of which I could do even were I not pregnant. Unfortunately, the men-folk keep cancelling their plans to come over and work on it. I am starting to get a wee bit antsy. We have a lot to do, and now it’s mid-winter. I was really hoping the major stuff would be done by now so we wouldn’t have to worry about… you know… SNOW.

We also have half a thought to tear down the panelling from our bedroom and paint… since we’re going to be spending a lot of time in here (and Devin will be sleeping in here for around 6 months), it’s probably a better idea to spend time working on this than the nursery. However, the logistics start creating issues. Like, how are we going to paint our bedroom in the middle of winter without me having major issues with the vapors? Not like we can just throw open our windows. And this is going to be an issue until it warms up in the spring. And even if Den does the painting in here, I still HAVE to sleep on this bed. We could possibly move it into the other bedroom… It would be interesting, to say the least. I think the bed would be the ONLY thing that would fit in that room. (It’s a king. The room… is small.) We might just have to do that though. I don’t see any other way to tear apart this room, take down wallpaper, and repaint without putting my beloved mattress at risk. But we can’t do that, again, until the basement is done and Den’s stuff is moved out. Everything centers on getting that damn basement done. I am irritated.

So anyways, back to my original point. Other things to do? Well I have a bunch of books to buy and read. For christmas I have asked for gift cards to book stores so I can purchase them (since I am not going to rely on family to get me the correct books!). Hopefully I’ll be able to get some of them that way! (I am no longer going to be using the library for books. Loaned books and I have some serious issues, involving astronomical late fees. Not good, not good at all. It’s cheaper for me to buy the damn things!)

I still need to send the deposit in for our childbirth classes – I totally forgot about it. Whoops!! So I emailed the lady tonight asking if there’s still space available. Hopefully I’ll get that sorted out shortly and we should be set to start in January. January, people. Soon as we get back from Christmas vacation we’ll be starting freaking childbirth classes. Holy crap.

I’m also poking around LLL Massachusetts to find a local group. Several friends have highly recommended going before baby is born, so I wanted to find out what’s available. Not sure when I’ll start going, but probably Jan/Feb timeframe. They all tend to meet once a month. LLL also have a yearly conference in this state, but, ummm, it’s at the end of March. Very bad timing for me. I don’t think I’ll be going anywhere a week before my due date. (It’s in the state, but the other side of the state… an hour and a half drive.)

Why do I always get these flashes of inspiration/motivation in the middle of the night? Sigh.

Holy moses, the last couple of days I have woken up positively starving. I swear this kid is trying to eat me from the inside-out. I half wake when Den gets up, because the dogs shift around and start whining, and usually I roll over and go back to sleep without a thought. Lately, however, I half wake up and growwwllll-grumble-grwlwlwlw. And it hurts! It’s like my stomach is trying to eat itself. So I have to get up and make something for breakfast, for fear of perishing while I was asleep. Yikes!

I have also finally discovered how I like my pancakes so I can get through a whole one. This may sound really stupid, or you may wonder why it took me all these years to figure it out, but anyways. I don’t like my syrup poured all over the pancake. The few bites are great, then it goes totally soggy and over-saturated. I hate it! So, duh, I finally figured to pour my syrup on the side, then dip each piece of pancake in it. Score! It totally tastes better! (Oh and by the way? That Aunt Jemima “Just Add Water” pancake mix totally rocks. Lets me eat just one or two pancakes for breakfast, without much fuss or preparation. Which is important when your stomach is stabbing you.)

Devin has been wicked active lately. Last night he was pretty quiet, but the night before that he was kicking all night long. It’s still not enough to keep me awake, thank goodness, but every time I woke up to roll over I could feel him jabbing me. There have been a few times in the past couple of evenings that he’s kicked me hard enough that I swear my whole belly moved. Of course I wasn’t looking so I don’t know for sure, but that’s what it felt like!

I don’t know if “hunger” is really the right word to describe it lately. It’s like I think to myself, “Gosh I’m stuffed, I ate a ton…. now what’s for dinner?” I just have the constant need to snack! All the time. (I’m curious to add up all my calories from yesterday and see where it puts me.) I ate a hotdog at midnight last night, fell asleep… and woke up at 6:30 with my stomach growling like I hadn’t fed it in a week.

We went out for a japanese hibatchi meal on Thursday – I’d been craving it for a week. (Actually I’d been craving it since I went there with my friends.) It wasn’t as good as it normally is, unfortunately (new cook)… and Den’s rare steak definitely looked far more appetizing than my chicken (sigh). But you know what? I am STILL craving it. Arg. It’s not a cheap meal, either! Can someone tell my body to crave, say, cold cereal? (Oh wait… it already does.)

Today being Saturday, my weekly day celebration – 22 weeks today! – I weighed myself as I have every week since I got pregnant. And I think the nutritionist can stop worrying about my weight! In the two weeks since my last appointment I’ve gained over 2.5 lbs… I’m well on my way to that 5lbs per month she wanted. [insert eyeroll here] I didn’t mean to take her so literally!

New craving: Ocean Spray’s Cran-Raspberry juice. Oh yum. Of course it has that freakin’ “high fructose corn syrup” in it – blech!! But it’s still better than soda or something, IMO. (I don’t drink soda. I’m weird, I know.) Strangely enough this craving has been edging out milk as of late. Weird. Maybe I’m getting enough calories now so my body doesn’t feel the need for all the calories in milk? Or maybe my body just likes to “switch it up” now and then.

Since being pregnant I’ve discovered all kinds of important things. Like: Rolaids taste way better than Tums. I actually don’t mind chomping on them frequently. It’s working, though… when I feel the acid indigestion starting I grab some and it seems to be keeping the heartburn away… for now, at least. I’m sure that will change.

One minor irritation: when I mention something in passing, like some aches and pains that I’m feeling, or the heartburn, or how freaking tired I get, and someone responds with, “Oh, if you think it’s bad now, wait ’til….” It’s like I feel that I have to preface every thing I say with some sort of disclaimer… or to brush it off and not say anything at all. What happened to just listening? And the funny thing is, the times I get those comments are NOT when I’m feeling miserable and sitting there moaning and griping about how horrible it is (because honestly, that’s pretty damn rare). Usually it’s just in casual conversation, said with a chuckle or a wry grin. Sometimes it’s even in response to them asking: “How are you feeling?” “Great, just exhausted is all.” “Oh wait until the baby comes…” Grrr. Why ask? Do you REALLY think any pregnant woman is going to say, “Great!! Perfect!! Never felt better!!” Well okay, sometimes I do, depending on if Devin’s being cute and kicking nicely, or if I’m getting weird cramps or heartburn. That’s not the point. I just feel like sometimes – with some people – I can’t say anything negative without someone jumping in to tell me just how BAD it’s going to get… to negate how I’m feeling.

Thank goodness for my internet friends. I think my forums online are a large part of why, despite my extremely limited social life, I don’t feel “isolated” or alone. I have these great communities of wonderful women where we can sit and gab and everyone is so supportive. I really appreciate that. And of course some of those online friendships transition into real-life ones – over the past year(s) I’ve made friends with two lovely ladies on one forum who live quite close to me, so we get together for dinner every now and then. I just wish more people lived closeby!

Like Kel. It’s no FAIR that she lives so far away. Kel and I have been friends for… ummm… well, it’s been over 10 years for sure. I think we were about 13 or 14 when we “met” online, if you can believe that. (Doesn’t that seem like a lifetime ago?) We’ve met in person exactly twice – once at my wedding, once when I went to visit her last year. And it’s no freaking fair that she lives far away! Someone needs to shrink the United States… or make travelling costs a LOT cheaper, I tell you what. Especially since she’s having another little boy! Devin and him (and Eric!) would be bestest friends, I’m sure! Destructive, though, I’m sure. lol

Tonight I am going to do something absolutely crazy: I am going to go to bed. To sleep.

Den has not snored once since falling asleep 2 hours ago. I don’t think I want to waste this opportunity!! (I had to say something, didn’t I.)

Especially since next week he is going to be sick. This weekend he is working (drill weekend, military), and it’s that special weekend they all get their flu shots. Now he does point out that what he gets afterwards isn’t near as bad as the actual flu, and at least it’s predictable… but he WILL get sick all next week. With him already being sick… well. It could be a difficult week. The poor guy. I have no idea what he even has, if it’s something we can do anything about… he’s not horrifically sick, just feeling lousy enough that he’s tired and drained and can’t sleep well.

Aagghhh!! It’s a sheep rug!!! Sleepy Sheep Rug. Haha! Not very large though!

Den was a little sulky the other day, so let me just clarify this: when I write “I” in here, it’s because I’m the one writing it and I don’t like to speak for my husband… sometimes we have, errr, very different views on things like parenting! So when I say “This is how I want to raise my child” it’s because, well, I am not so certain Den would agree with me on it. And of course whatever we actually end up doing is going to be an amalgamation of Den and me, and something that we agree on. I just usually talk out my own thoughts here before running them by Den and getting his opinion and input and figuring out what we’re actually going to do. ;) (He reads this blog, so it’s actually very helpful for me to write things out here, he reads it, then we talk later, lol.)

There, you happy honey?? :P

::

There’s a part of me that thinks my love of ultrasounds is so contrary to my otherwise very crunchy nature. Here I am wanting as little intervention as possible, no medications, no internal exams….. but 4 ultrasounds before 20 weeks? YES PLEASE! I find that a little amusing. I guess there’s an exception to every rule.

I was just sitting here looking at all the ultrasound photos we have, from 6 weeks to 19 weeks. It’s freaking amazing. To actually see our little boy grow from a tiny little blob into a very human-like form… wow. Not only are we totally blessed with this miracle of being able to grow a human in the first place, but to be able to actually see inside me to catch little glimpses of it? How effing cool.

The email I got today (from the hospital – I signed up for their “weekly baby development” emails) said that baby is around 10-11 inches long crown to rump, and around 15 ounces in weight. 11 inches!!! That’s nearly a FOOT long baby. INSIDE ME. Where does he fit??? The whole thing just astounds me.

::

Unfortunately it’s appearing that last night’s respite from Den’s snoring was just a fluke. Another night with the breathe-right strip, and he’s still pretty damn bad. :(

Not to mention the stupid humidifier. I was all excited at the possibility of a fan or some kind of white noise in the bedroom at night – I even read reviews of this particular brand that calls them really noisy. They lied. The thing barely makes a damn sound. And beyond that, Den likes to put the thing on HIGH, which means I wake up with everything in the room coated in dewdrops. Yuck. Umm, too high!! Also, while having the little bit of extra heat in this room during the dead of winter will be very nice, it is not yet the dead of winter. In fact, the bedroom is too warm for me now! Granted today was a warmer day compared to some the last few weeks (we’ve had some really chilly days, and then some where you barely have to wear a jacket… gotta love New England), but I’m in a really light shirt here! It’s just not normal.

::

I have finally discovered what I want for Christmas: RAM. Okay, most of you have no idea what that is, and it’s totally off topic. But it’s wicked cheap and I want to upgrade this laptop so bad right now so it stops freezing when I’m doing my web work in it!!

I also want a new cordless laptop mouse (old one died, drat!!) and I wouldn’t be displeased to get a much bigger usb drive than I have now, I use it frequently at work.

Every year I try to think of some varied things that I’d like to get. And every year I come back to the computer gear. What can I say, I’m a computer-reliant geek. Sigh.