About two years ago, when the snoring was an issue (before I’d figured out how to just roll him over to make it stop) Den bought some of those breathe-right strips. They didn’t work. So they sat, unused, in the bathroom cabinet.

Last night was really quite pitiful, because it didn’t matter how many times I woke him up or how I rolled him over, he still kept right on snoring. (I finally gave up on sleep at around 5am.)

Well Den found them today and decided to give them a try, given that his snoring has currently progressed far beyond snoring only when he’s on his back. He feels very stuffed up, so we figured it wouldn’t hurt to try. And I’ll be damned, but it’s helping a ton. He is still doing his normal snoring when on his back, but the new snoring-on-his-side is practically non-existant. I am so relieved!!

Not that this fixes my sleeping problems. See I’m not supposed to be sleeping on my back anymore – which, by the way, is weird because I normally hate sleeping on my back and ever since I got pregnant I find myself waking up like that quite frequently. Weird. So anyways, I know the “optimum” position is on my left side. I like sleeping on my left side, to be honest. But… I have this issue. I have a MAJOR issue with being breathed on. And Den sleeps on my left. So if he happens to be facing my way? I can’t sleep on my left side, I have to sleep on my right. And sometimes that gets really annoying because I want to roll over!

It’s possible that once I’m asleep it doesn’t matter and I can stay where I am… but I’m such a light sleeper I really wouldn’t be surprized if I rolled over every time he did during the night, even without really waking.

Is it any wonder I find sleeping during the day more restful? Makes me wonder if I’m even going to be able to sleep well with a babe next to me. I don’t have an issue with the dog though, never have (I have slept with a dog next to me – yes, head on the pillow just like a human – since I was about 14 and I sized up to a double mattress from a twin). I guess we’ll just try it and hope for the best.

Friday evening I chatted with my mom and told her about SIL’s pregnancy. “Oh, another grandchild for [MIL]! Do they know if it’s twins or not yet?” LOL The first question asked in this family. I later said, “Well, at least you don’t have to worry about having another grandchild… not like Cory’s going to be reproducing anytime soon.” I swear to you my mom nearly fell down she laughed so hard. “You hear that, Cory??” she said. Then she told me he had just run out of the room in mock fear. Children! Egads! He thinks I’m crazy for having a baby! (My brother is 22 and nowhere near mature enough for a child. He’s not even in a relationship yet.)

My heartburn finally subsided overnight and I fell asleep, only to be woken up at 7am by the dog needing to pee, and then I realized my gag reflex was in overdrive and I ended up dry heaving over the toilet. WTF is with that? I haven’t had any pukies at all in over week. I’m wondering if the reflux isn’t triggering it. Ugh. That would be fun.

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Did I mention just how much I love this child that I am growing? Even when he sits on my bladder. I feel so amazed that we’re growing this third person in our family. Over the course of 10 months we go from 2 people to 3 people, but it’s not all at once. He starts off as this little bundle of cells and I get to nourish him and grow him until he’s ready to join the world as separate entity. That’s pretty damn wild. I’m really glad I have this in-between stage. I definitely appreciate the gradual nature of it.

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This book seems really interesting: Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. He challenges the whole praise/rewards paradaigm of child-rearing and offers alternative methods. There’s an excerpt (the first chapter) on his website. I’d like to get ahold of the book.

I guess I always figured I’d parent a kid the same way I parent my dogs, but I’m really starting to realize just how different the two are. I know people always told me that once I had a kid the dogs would become “just dogs” and I never really believed them. Not that I’m going to be locking the dogs in the backyard 24/7 or anything like that, but there is a very definite shift in the way I view things now.

Most of all I’ve been pondering on the fact that dogs stay in your charge, in your house, as “children” all their lives. Your goal as owner is to raise/train them to be whatever you want them to be, to function as a part of your life. For us that means it’s not really necessary for the dogs to be able to function in crowds. Zoe is terrified of strangers. For the most part, though it can be frustrating and cause a few hiccups along the way, it doesn’t really affect the family. We’re not the kind of family who entertains often, and we don’t normally take our dogs out into public places. Maybe we would more often if the dogs were very well-adjusted in those situations, but they’re not and it’s okay. Zoe is a very happy-go-lucky girl in this house with us, she adores the cats, she gets along fabulously with Zeeke, and she’s a very lovey, cuddly dog with Den and I.

Contrast that to a child. A child with severe social anxiety is a totally different matter. You can’t say, “Well it’s okay, the kid will just never leave the house.” Your goal as a parent is not simply to have the child function within your household – the ultimate goal is to raise a self-sufficient human being who will join society as a functional adult. The child, unlike the dogs, will not remain dependent on you for everything. A dog you teach to listen to you – the alpha person – to follow your house rules, always. A child you need to teach to think for himself… to make rational and logical decisions… to develop a code of ethics and morals… to have compassion for others… to have a sense of worth and self-respect. So many many more things. And as a parent-to-be it’s pretty freaking scary! Hell, I don’t even consider myself a fully functional adult, yet I need to raise one?!

So I’ll be reading some, thinking about how exactly I want to go about teaching this child to be a human being, and trusting in my own sense of judgement to get me through. All a learning process. I’m still scared that no matter what I do my kid will be a little hellion, or grow up to be a drug user, or run off in a motorcycle gang and come home covered in tattoos with some slutty woman. Not that it does me ANY good to think of these terrible things that might happen, but it’s a hard concept to accept that my child will grow up to be what he wants to be – parenting influence can only do so much! I just have to trust in him, and in us, and do my best.

Right now, he’s potential. He could be anything, anything at all. He could grow up to be a big football player like his daddy wants, he could grow up to be an awkward, nerdy physicist, he could end up a gothy artist… and I’m looking forward to meeting him and finding out who he is, this little person we created.

Oh my goodness, so this is what people mean when they talk about bad heartburn. Yick!! This is some nasty, burny shit I tell you. I’ve been having some minor heartburn off and on…. no real pattern to it, and it wasn’t all that disruptive, just irritating. But I fell asleep and woke up feeling like my throat was on fire. I ate a slice of bread with creamcheese and drank a glass of milk in an attempt to settle things. (I tried Maalox first, that didn’t help.) Guess there won’t be any more juice before bed. (I have had a major craving for cran-raspberry juice the last two days… been drinking a bunch of it!)

My 21 week photos are up. Holy moly, I grew this week! I expected to look a little bloated… I didn’t expect my lower belly to have popped out that much!

And according to my weekly weigh-in I’ve actually put on a pound or two this past week, which puts me over my starting weight finally! Not that I want to start packing on the pounds, but I’d like to see some gradual weight gain here. Devin is growing. It’s funny, I was all prepared to put on weight during this pregnancy, fearing the worst. My own mother put on a ton of weight during her two pregnancies and has never gotten it off… one of my fears was to end up like her. I never expected to lose a good portion of my extra weight during pregnancy. Granted I’m not done yet, so don’t be counting my chickens just yet… but I’ve lost a lot of the extra padding I was carrying in my butt and hips. I find it a lot easier to sleep on my side now, since with the rounded midsection and not-so-padded hips I don’t get that pinched blubber right above my hip bone that I used to.

It’s amazing to me how different each of our bodies reacts to pregnancy. It’s interesting to read threads on the different body changes that we’re experiencing… it’s so varied… a grab-bag of weird crazy symptoms. lol

Okay, the heartburn has subsided greatly… I’m going to try sleeping again. Fingers crossed.

Some photos taken yesterday. Neither of us are happy with the photo of both of us – Den was just tired and it’s unflattering. :( So we’re going to have to retake it… I really want a photo for our christmas card, but time is rapidly running out!

Happy day-after-Thanksgiving! Hope everyone is recouperating. I decided to go into work tomorrow instead of today, I just don’t feel good… I’m tired, hungry, and wicked cranky. :/ Lovely combo right?

Very quick post tonight while I wait for a file to send through email… I hope everyone in the U.S. had a good Thanksgiving. I know I’m totally beat… I ate far too much and felt like my belly was stretching out of my skin. But it was all so good, and I couldn’t turn down desert! Maybe I will end up putting on those 5lbs the nutritionist wanted to see. ;) (Doubt that.)

Biggest news of the evening… we arrived at noon to help prepare for the big meal, and BIL’s twin 7 year old daughters came running over to say hi. Den was saying to them, “We’re going to have a baby! Cool huh?” (since they only recently had been told about our pregnancy.) The girls responded with, “So is [SIL]!” Confusion ensued for a few seconds as they shoved an ultrasound photo in my hand and Den and I took a moment to realize that they weren’t just being silly.

So yeah. SIL is 13 weeks pregnant, due at the end of May. I’m still sorting through how I feel about it all. Happy – of course, yes, I am happy for them! This is not a total surprize, I knew they were going to be TTC soon. But to find out she’s 13 weeks along already?? That part has me thrown for a bit of a loop, I admit it. I had no clue. (She’s not showing at all. I had more of a belly at 6 weeks than she does at 13! Not that I’m complaining about that, I just find it funny!)

It’s always a bit of a stunner to me to be reminded how easily some people get pregnant you know? Like it seems like the most natural thing in the world. You decide you want a baby, you go off your pills, you have sex, you get pregnant. The concept seems so foreign to me, it really does. What does it feel like to just have it work out like that? Not that I begrudge people who are lucky! I can’t possibly hold it against people. But yeah, I do wonder sometimes why we got the short end of the stick, why it was so hard for us. Being pregnant doesn’t erase the hurt. It helps – oh HELL yeah. But things come up and you remember that you aren’t normal.

BUT I can’t sit here and have a pity party for myself. I’m a little stunned, but I really am thrilled for them. Both of us are. When she started talking about TTC (when I got pregnant is when she really got serious about the idea) I got really excited, because wouldn’t it be SO cool to have the kids close in age? These kids, these cousins, are going to be able to go through life together. My brother is super close to one of our cousins, always has been, so I know how beneficial it can be. So for that reason I’m really hoping she has a boy! What fun they would have.

Plus I’m thinking that it’ll be nice for me! To be able to hang out at SIL’s with the two babies, helping each other out… I think that’ll be really cool, and I think we’ll be able to bond over our shared experiences… and have another adult to talk to while the men work.

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Today Devin was kicking a little bit throughout the day here and there. When we got home after 11pm and I sat in bed with my laptop while Den watched TV… he threw a party in there. I put Den’s hand on my belly and had to “chase” the kicks for a while until he stopped moving. Den didn’t get any big, obvious kicks, but he did get to feel some slight movement! It felt to me like Devin was doing more of just nudging/pushing or moving around in there. Just little bumps. But Den thinks he did feel something a couple of times, though I know it was hard to tell. So that’s pretty cool!! I think Den was pretty happy, though I know he’d be happier if he felt something really obvious. We’ll keep trying to catch a big kick for him. Shouldn’t be much longer now, especially if we catch another really active period like tonight. Devin actually still hasn’t stopped, though he’s slowed down a lot.

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Okay that wasn’t as short as I intended… I need some flippin’ sleep!! Some people still have to go into work as usual!

I have been working very late two days in a row now, and tomorrow will be another very long day. Today I didn’t “finish” until 11pm – and that was only because my back was hurting and I needed to eat something and I had done enough to tide me (and my client) over until tomorrow. I am really looking forward to Thursday, a guilt-free family day of no work. (Well, actually I do have to go into work for an hour or two, but that’s easy mindless stuff, not the head-banging design stuff that gives me designers block and coder fury. If you ever hear a far-off, faint shrieking of, “Why is there a $%!%#! gap there?!? Why, why, WHY??!”… that would be me, screaming in frustration at my browser.)

I did take a break today to run to Walmart. I had to return the humidifier I bought, since it didn’t appear to be working at all. And of course that model was all sold out, so I had to pay more for a different kind… it’s the warm mist type. This one at least works. Den has it set up on his nightstand, actually… he has a slight cold or something, and that combined with the cold winter air has the poor guy in pretty rough shape. Hopefully the humidifier helps him out. (And quelling the snoring would be nice, for my benefit!)

Also bought some bras. Kel was telling me that Walmart has a good selection of non-underwire bras, so while I was there I tried some on. She was right! I found two bras that are less than $10 each and fit really nicely. And yes, a 38C. I could probably use a 40C, but didn’t see any. I will not be buying any bras from Motherhood ever again. When I need nursing bras I’ll buy them online from Motherwear. I am really friggin irritated that they can’t measure me properly, AND won’t exchange anything once it’s bought. Granted I *should* grow into the D cups, but I bet I’ll outgrow the band size first. But that’s not the point, now is it? I expect them to measure me correctly!!

I also bought a cute black maternity shirt. I wear size small maternity tops. This is amusing to me. I’m not exactly a skinny minny or anything, like I used to be. What the heck do the skinny girls wear?? Den wants me to wear it on Thanksgiving, which I am planning on doing, so hopefully I’ll get some good photos of pregnant me! ;)

Did I mention we had snow here today? Yeah. Snow. I “eek”ed out loud when I walked into the living room this morning. Where did THAT come from?? Also, I realized that I overlooked my winter coats when it comes to maternity wear. I never considered they wouldn’t fit. But suddenly I can’t button them even if I wanted to. Hrm. My belly may get a little cold this winter. I don’t want to spend a lot of money, but it appears I’ll need something warm to accomodate!

I have been having some serious stomach problems today. For a good portion of this pregnancy things have been… stopped up. Not fun. So last week I started taking colace. I know it said it can take about a week for it to start working. And it did! Yay, I was happy. And then… well… then it didn’t stop. Today I was having some bad stomach pains, running to the bathroom frequently… oh yeah. Fun day for me. So apparently colace reacts badly with me. Figures. No more colace.

I’m probably going to be saying this every day until the end, but he gets stronger every day! Now it’s like every hour or two that he has a bunch of movement.

I was going to say more, but I’m too tired. Bah.

Happy halfway mark to me! 20 weeks pregnant as of today. It’s been 18 weeks since my retrieval. It will be another 20-22 weeks until the baby is here. I am… in shock and awe… that I am at this point. I am blessed, truly blessed.

Devin is celebrating today. I can feel him, I think he’s throwing a party in there. Perhaps he’s invited friends? The funniest part is that his kicks now move. One minute they’re down low in my belly, next they’re higher and off to my right side. I have to “chase” him with my hand to feel it. :lol: It’s so awesome. I like to sit here and poke at my belly to see if I can’t get a response. Frequently I just zone out for half an hour at a time, hand on my belly, waiting for the little bumps against my hand. Once today among little bumps and pushes he really booted me – it made me laugh.

I have to change my point of view. What did I do today? It feels like “nothing”. I’ve just been laying here… I feel like I don’t even have the energy to pay attention to a TV show on DVR, I just zone out. But I didn’t do “nothing”! I’m growing a baby! Whew. I’m exhausted.

I can’t really understand the girls who say they wish they had their body back, they just want the baby out. I feel better than I have in years! I mean, beyond the nausea and the heartburn and little aches and pains – and I know those are going to get worse (minus the nausea, which I HOPE is going to get better… see, still trying to be optimistic here!). I suspect it’s going to feel very strange when Devin is on the outside, no longer a part of me. I’m getting so used to his daily movement. It’s going to be so weird to have that gone.

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Oh, by the way, I didn’t nap on the futon at all yesterday (since our mattress is finally dry)… and I slept on our mattress all night too. And look at that, no back pain today at all. So I am definitely placing full blame on the futon.

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PS – Weekly belly pic is up, for you obsessors. :)

It’s almost time to pull out the Christmas decorations!! You have no idea how excited this makes me. I might even do some this weekend. We are leaving on December 19 for my parents, so I want to have a good month to enjoy them! :D Christmas is just the best time of year to me. I love it. I love the Christmas music, I love decorating my house, I love wrapping gifts and setting them carefully under the tree. I have a lot of rituals and traditions surrounding Christmas, and they’re very important to me.

Like wrapping. Every year I go on the hunt for the right wrapping paper. I get very excited when I find it (especially if it’s on sale, lol!). I buy enough to wrap all the presents in it. (Sometimes I get a “set” of coordinating paper, so they’re not all the same, but they all “match”.) I have a bin in our basement full of wrapping supplies – tape, scissors, tags, ribbons, etc – and one full of bows. Every present is carefully wrapped and decorated. I get many comments from Den’s family about what an amazing job I do. That seems funny to me, because at my parents’ house that’s just how it’s done! My dad is an amazing wrapper, and I learned from him.

Oh, and I beg Den to buy his own wrapping paper and not show me what it is, and wrap all my presents in it. I think that one stems back to waking up on Christmas morning and finding all these gifts from Santa under the tree in wrapping paper I’ve never seen before. It was simply magical! So I bribe Den into indulging my little silly fantasies. :D

Stockings are another big tradition. I have a stocking for both Den and me, the dogs, and the cats. They’re not small stockings either. And my requirement is that they are STUFFED full! Little goodies… for us growing up the stockings were full of little candies, scratch tickets, socks, nuts, etc. Nothing at all big, but fun little dollar store items. You never knew what mom was going to find on sale and put in your stocking! So I continue that tradition here. I do buy things for my own stocking, but I also ask Den to buy some little trinkets to put in mine. I also buy treats and such for the pets for theirs. Most of their presents go in their stockings. Also a requirement: all stocking gifts be wrapped in tissue paper, not wrapping paper. It’s just how it is! (Den seriously gets a kick out of all these things I insist on. He’s still learning the “rules.” ) The dogs get to unwrap their own presents – usually not a problem if they can smell something inside! Then they’re happy for the rest of the day and leave us in peace. Although, once Zeeke gets the hang of unwrapping gifts he wants to help daddy with all of his presents, too. For Zeeke the cool part isn’t the present, it’s that we’re allowing him to rip up paper. LOL! (He has an obsession with paper and cardboard.)

A friend of mine online is searching for the perfect personalized stockings for her twins – it’s their first christmas this year! – and she posted a bunch of great ones! And that got me thinking about Devin. I could get him a stocking this year – since he’s certainly going to be a part of our Christmas celebration! He’s just not going to be able to participate. ;) (Not like he’ll be able to do much participating next year, either.) But again… all stockings must match. Right now we have different colored stockings… cheap ones, but I like them. They’re fuzzy. I have a maroon color; Den has the blue; Zeeke has the green; Zoe has the white. And I think the cats share a red one, but I forget. I think I might hold off buying pretty matching stockings for us hoomans until we are done with our family… because you know if I buy them next year, when the next kid comes along I’ll want to buy a whole new set. ;) (If I can’t get a matching one, that is – and I highly doubt a particular design will hang around for 3 years!)

So much to think about. :)

Only 1 month left until we leave for Canada!! I’m soooo excited!! I get to see my parents, my brother, my dog! Not so thrilled about the prospect of sharing a double-size bed with my husband, though. Especially since it’s not a pillow-top. I may have issues with that.

7:15pm. Up until this point I was sitting here feeling awake. 7 rolls around… I start drifting. 7:15 I’m really really drooping. There are things I wanted to do online before I fell asleep though. :(

Devin is not sleepy at all, however. Since I sat down in bed he’s been kicking and tumbling. I see where all my energy is going – he’s hogging it all.

I was telling my coworker about how Devin’s been kicking me. Sometimes it feels like a normal kick out the front, which I could feel if my hand was on my stomach. But sometimes it feels like he does something else, like kick my innards. Those ones make my stomach turn sometimes.

I’ve been using his name now and again in conversation… “Devin’s been very active today.” When it comes out of my mouth I stop and think about how it sounds. At first it sounded so weird, so foreign. Every time I say it it gets a little more familiar, and I think I fall in love with it a little more each time.

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Now it’s 9:15 and it appears I zoned out and never posted this. Snort.

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Some more thoughts… (and yes I split up this post)

I just have random things going through my head. Like, how on earth does a cat sanctuary with around 80 cats in it produce LESS FUR in one day than my two dogs? (Or to be really specific, Den’s dog) I walk in the house and am just at a loss as to how that dog isn’t bald. It’s winter, dude!! Didn’t anyone tell you you’re supposed to keep your coat ON?

Am also unsure as to how that dog has survived 4 years without getting an intestinal blockage. At least tissues – his favorite “treat” – aren’t dangerous. Just irritating as hell. (And where does he find them?? Where where where?? Though it is “treat season”… winter is when the tissues come out en masse.)

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Did I mention my sore back? I don’t think I did. Thanks to StupidDog (not to be confused with IdiotDog, above) and her high-capacity bladder we had to let our mattress air out for two days. I did sleep on it at night, but in the evening after work I napped on the futon. Sounded like an okay idea. It wasn’t. Woke up with a really tight, sore lower back. Really sore. I ended up laying with the reheatable gel pack thingie shoved under my tailbone for an hour, which really helped, but I’ve still been waddling around at work rubbing my back. I don’t know how I EVER thought that futon was the slightest bit comfortable, but it currently feels like a board. I wish to never, ever be without my pillow top all-natural latex mattress. I LOVE this mattress. It was one of the things I really insisted on before getting pregnant, and I am so freaking glad I did.

One of the other things I really wanted before a baby came along was of course a new washer and dryer, since our old one was… old. And small. And didn’t really work all that well. I have to say, I know we spent a pretty penny for our washer and dryer and we could have spent a lot less for non-front-loaders… but I love them. I still love how it chirps a greeting at me when I press the power button. I love how easy it is to add a prewash, or change the temperature setting. They are huge, so we can throw a ton of clothes in there – I’m finding we only need to do a load every week, though we usually split up the colors from the whites. And honestly I don’t even mind the fact that they’re in our kitchen. Our plan to move them to the breezeway has, predictably, been put off due to finances. I thought it would be a big pain in the ass to have them there in the kitchen, but they don’t really bother me at all.

We’re getting there. Slowly. Hopefully we’ll have a lot more done by the time Devin comes around. And I really hope by the time our kids are teens we’ll have a place that we’re really proud of.