I mentioned something on one of my forums yesterday and I didn’t really realize how true it was until I had thought about it later. What I said was: I’m never alone anymore. And while it’s obviously true in the physical sense, it goes so beyond that emotionally. At night when I wake up… in the car driving somewhere… sitting at my desk working… I can be totally isolated with no one else around, yet the tapping on my insides reminds me that I am not. Devin is here with me.

I don’t know when it transitioned into thinking about him as a true person – somewhere along the lines between 4 and 22 weeks – but I know the ultrasound really helped make it all the more real and tangible.

I talk to him sometimes. Or I place my hand on my belly and hold an “internal” conversation with him. He is a part of me, and yet he isn’t me.

Despite always looking forward to being pregnant, I always thought the whole thing would feel a little weird once I was there. I never thought I would feel this kind of love and appreciation and enjoyment. I joke about there being an alien in my belly, but I certainly don’t feel that way. It doesn’t feel “weird” in the slightest… instead I feel finally whole. This life inside me fits so perfectly, so beautifully, it’s strange to think that it’s not usually there, that I spend most of my life without a little creature growing inside me. I feel like I was made to do this, to be pregnant, to be the mother. Like I’ve been waiting all my life for this moment.

If I wasn’t so terrified of raising more than two children I could see myself as one of those women who are perpetually pregnant. I actually find myself thinking about my decision to have only two children. I know I cannot really make any true decisions until I’ve actually done the mommy thing for a while and have some kind of idea of what to expect – and some sort of guage as to how much I think I can handle. Right now the idea of mothering a child is still such an unknown. But yet… I am awknowledging the possibity of a third. Especially when I think of the odds of having another boy. Do I really want to just stop, regardless? Am I okay with closing the door on ever having a girl? I’m not so certain I am. I’m really not certain at all that I could walk away from that.

Of course things are far more complicated than me simply deciding how many children I would like to have. The logistics are extremely complicated. The main obstacle is, obviously, infertility. What I WANT may very well not be what I GET. And beyond that, we have a SMALL house – small two-bedroom, one-bath. We do not plan on moving. We do plan on adding on… but it’s going to be interesting affording an addition to house two children, much less three. The cost of raising the children… the cost of college… it just continues to get far more complicated!

But right now… right now I am pregnant, with our first, with our little IVF miracle. And every day and night that I am pregnant I think about how beautiful it is, how perfect, how very blessed. Devin holds a huge piece of my heart and for right now I get to carry him around with me everywhere I go.