My two books arrived! I’ve only barely started reading them, but they seem to be good reads. Positive, and that’s what I need you know? I get a little nervous about books that are very pro-home-birth because I am going to be having a hospital birth and I need positive energy. I don’t need books to be telling me that it’s not going to work. I’m all about the positive reinforcement here.

Yes, a home birth sounds like a wonderful thing as described in books. I would love to give birth at home, either in a pool or in my own bed. I would love to be able to crawl into my OWN bed afterwards, with my husband and newborn baby. To have just my midwife and attendants here to take care of me. To be in familiar surroundings and be able to control the environment. Yes, I think that sounds very nice.

But to be perfectly honest, there is ONE major reason that I fully agreed with Den when he said he didn’t want me to have a home birth (and it’s not the same reason as Den’s): the dogs. And cats, for that matter. From everything I’ve read, everything I know – about me, about the birth process – I know I want calm and peace. I simply fail to see how it would be possible to provide any sense of calm or peace with a large German Shepherd barking crazily (as he would be doing, with strangers in the house, unless he were bound, gagged and drugged in the basement). I do believe that would shoot to hell the whole plan right there. I do not want Zeeke to be the first sound Devin hears… he’ll hear it soon enough. (And finding someone to take the dogs when I’m in labor is far more complicated than anything else. Strangely, Den’s family does not like dogs, especially ones who bark maniacally and show great glee in destroying paperwork and cardboard.)

But that being said, I remain very optimistic about my hospital. They only thing that will not be an option for me is a water birth. The more I read and think about it, the more likely it is that I will request that the lights be turned down low and that people bother me as little as possible. I’m sure Den will step up for me and let my wishes be known if something needs to be said and I am busy. Thinking about how I deal with pain, I tend to withdraw into myself, curl up, and zone out. I like having Den near me, but I usually just want his presence, but don’t need much more than that.

My goal from now on is to learn as much as possible about relaxation techniques, positions, the labor stages, etc… so that when I get there we have a bag full of tricks to try. Yes we are doing the Bradley classes – I’d do more than one class if we could afford it but, umm, we can’t. So we’ll do the Bradley class and I’ll spend my time reading and mentally preparing. I want to remain flexible, not locked into some sort of plan. Thus the reading books.

I feel like I’ve come so far already. One of the reasons I was originally so reticent about starting the TTC process in the first place (back when I thought I’d actually get pregnant right away) was because for my teenaged and adult life I was fairly terrified of this whole idea of pushing a baby out of my vagina. The idea of getting an epidural did not help. I am a self-admitted sissypants, and I just had no idea how I would possibly survive such an ordeal.

I am not really sure where things changed, but I’m sure if I read back in the beginning of this journal I might gain some insight into that. I know that being exposed to other methods of birth were an eye-opener to me. Reading about women who enjoyed their birthing experiences, or at least survived the pain and felt proud of themselves for it… it really made me re-think my expectations and consider other possibilities.

Believe it or not, infertility also affected my outlook. Having my laparoscopy done was a huge deal. I have always been terrified of surgery – any kind of surgery, any kind of hospital-based issue including birth. I had never been IN the hospital before. But by that point I was so frustrated with infertility, so desperate for answers, that it really didn’t matter. I wanted that damn surgery done, and by the time the day came I had no fear, just determination. And I got through it… it wasn’t even all that bad (except the stupid IV). Later came IVF. Yet another thing I could never ever have seen myself doing. The idea of jabbing myself with needles? Needing surgery to retrieve eggs? Being in discomfort and pain as my body was manipulated by the drugs? Two years ago I would have gotten faint at the idea. But again, I was determined, I faced it head on as it was just something that needed to be done. By the point IVF became an option I was pushing for it instead of shying away from it.

The whole journey has showed me several times that I can accomplish the unthinkable if I put my mind to it. If it’s something that needs to get done, then I do it.. and it probably won’t be half as bad as you think it will be. Infertility has taught me so much about myself. In a way, now when I look back, I am thankful for the experience. (Of course you can only really say that once you’re safely pregnant and “on the other side.” ) But yes. I feel like I grew and matured ten times over going through what we went through. Would I have truly appreciated this pregnancy if it had happened our first month trying, or would I have spent it freaking out and feeling ill-prepared? I’ll never know, but I know it wouldn’t be the same. Infertility was a part of our journey, and I wouldn’t be where I am today without it. I have gained much strength and self-confidence, and for that, yes, I am thankful.

My goal for labor is no longer about getting over my fear and just getting thorugh it; it’s on being comfortable, being confident, and giving myself and Devin the best experience possible.