Thank you girls for listening to the last post. I’m fine now, but I just really needed to write it out. It was really unexpected how my grief for Devin came bubbling up like that, but not totally surprising I suppose.

Ultrasounds are still just so terrifying to me. Baby was kicking as I drove to the appointment, and I thanked it for helping me out. But still I get sweaty and my heart rate goes way up, as does my blood pressure (they tried taking it before the ultrasound… yeah, not good). I just kept thinking how I haven’t seen this baby since I was 6 weeks and it was a tiny blob. There is so much that can go wrong in there. I don’t like to dwell on that, but if anyone knows, I do. I could see the screen the whole time and she while I did see the baby as she scanned through, and saw it moving, she scanned my uterus and ovaries first. It’s hard not to ask, “Hey, can you just show me the heartbeat first?” (They usually do… from what I remember.) But I was patient and soon enough she was scanning through a very curled-up little baby, and we got to hear the heartbeat out loud. And saw it on the screen, too, the little peaks and valleys. (Nothing will ever erase my memory of seeing Devin’s still heart and flat line. Seeing a beating heart always makes me cry now…. with Kate and now this one.)

Baby was really curled up and seemed to me to be really low, which it made it difficult for her to get any good shots. She was really pressing into my belly with the probe, not always so comfortable, but I wanted her to get those shots. But we saw the brain, the renals, the 4-chamber heart, the 3-vessel cord. I kept looking at what she typed and nodding because that’s what it should be. Spine looked beautiful, so amazing. Little hands and feet – feet over head most of the time, kicking upwards. Hands were beside the face moving around. It wasn’t the best ultrasound I’ve had – I remember with Devin just being so amazed at seeing the movement and how he’d stretch. This one was moving, but not a ton, and stayed curled up like a little shell. I remember thinking is that okay that it’s like that, it’s not going to hurt itself will it? The tech told us it was a girl, and that was it. But she told me to stay put just in case the doctor wanted her to get some more pictures. Normally that would make me worry, but after seeing how she struggled to get the right angles I didn’t worry (much).

Kate is sick and not feeling well today so she was not really cooperating. Den was holding her and she was squirming and whining the whole time. I don’t know how much of the ultrasound Den actually got to see, because he was trying to occupy her by playing games and such. By the time the ultrasound was over she really was just done and was whining. She wanted to go running down the hall, and there was no door just a curtain across the doorway so Den was blocking her from leaving. She was alternating laughing at him and whining/crying. The tech poked her head in to say she was still waiting for the doctor to have a minute to look at the pictures, but it would be a few minutes, and if Den wanted to take her for a walk or even keep her in the waiting room… Ummm? What excuse me? Den was pretty ticked at that, but Kate really was done with being there.

The tech did finally come in and need one more picture of the cord insertion that she couldn’t get before, and that was it there. I went to find Den and then into see one of the Midwives. My appointment, as always, was very short. Report from the ultrasound says everything looks normal. How are you feeling? Any concerns or questions? She did a quick feel of my uterus (I believe it’s right about at my belly button now), heard the heartbeat again (can’t argue with that) and off we went.